feeling confused and invalid

[Taliah]

I don't really understand myself. I started off in life wanting to be an "alpha". I dont know why I wanted to be one, maybe because if my dad, but I strove for it. I did martial arts for five years and have established myself as the leader in most of my friend circles and work groups, but I've had feelings of wanting to be a woman since I was younger than 10.

I was able to separate being in charge and these feelings before because I just chalked them up to being a fetish. But over the past two years I've become really depressed and have developed anxiety and insomnia. Through therapy I realized that these feelings are much more serious.

I came to terms with it for a while, i thought maybe i can transition, live the same life and be happy but I can't anymore.

It's so conflicting. I'm the leader who everyone looks toward. My sister relies on me, my mom would be a mess, my friends would all disband, and all the people who treat me as their confidant would lose that emotional support. I would let all those people down, and i don't know if I can put personal gain over that.

But at the same time I'm tired of being alpha. I want to be taken care of, I want someone to protect me, I'm tired of bearing everyone's weight.

I'm so conflicted on masculinity and femininity. I like fighting, I like being tough, i love sports and physical competition, I like leading,  i lIke the respect. There are so many things about me that scream male. Yet I want to be a woman, and I still don't know if I'm just confused or not.

I know women can be tough too, that's why I had a little hope for transitioning, but yesterday messed me up. My aunt and her nephew stayed over. He is well behaved and cute, but I still didnt really connect with him. His aunt made me babysit hIm for a while and it was irritating and boring. Then when she tried to put him to sleep, he wouldnt stop crying and it made me so irritated and cranky.

And it made me realize I that I'd be a terrible mother, i have no maternal instinct, and probably am better off as a father.

I just don't know. I feel incredibly sexist for just thinking like this and making generalizations, but the truth is that I've yet to see a woman as domimant as I am, and Its making me so confused. All the women in my life are okay with being told how to live their lives or being stuffed into negative gender roles. When my uncle says things like girls can't have sleepovers because they are weak and won't be able to defend themselves if one of the girls parents is a pervert, my cousin just laughs and agrees. It makes me infuriated that someone would make that kind of claim. Yet no one ever fights against it. I don't want to become some weakling who people wall over And I'm scared.

*Also I know the word alpha makes me seem like some frat kid, but I don't really know a better way to put it. Sorry if I sound like a tool. And thanks for reading this jumbled junk, I just really need someone to help me understand what to do, because I'm starting to feel like a fraud with a sick fetish instead of actually trans and maybe I'm not dominant at all and just deluded. I feel like my whole persona is becoming unraveled.

[Tessa James]

Hey Taliah,

Seems you have been dealing with descriptors and dilemmas about how you fit in?  Our deeply intrinsic gender identity can be seen as very separate from culturally determined gender roles and behavior.  Perhaps you have not worked with that many women or your sense of domination is situational but consider that women are in leadership positions all over the globe.  Not many female heads of state, corporate CEOs or even your supervisor/manager level professional is a weakling.

You can be a leader of any gender who can let it go enough to share power and recognize your own needs and vulnerabilities without calling it out as masculine or feminine.  Women are tough!, as someone who assisted at thousands of births can attest.
Women are competitive and some are not on the mommy track and chose a child free life. Not just victims of the pervs, women do fight oppression and kick butt as survivors in a arguably male dominated global culture. 

All of that is incidental to how you view and feel yourself in a gendered world.  A fetish is one explanation for some behavior and if you are working with a therapist maybe more can be explored?

And perhaps most importantly you are challenging your own acknowledged sexism, good for you and any of us to work on.

[Taliah]

Hey Taliah,

Seems you have been dealing with descriptors and dilemmas about how you fit in?  Our deeply intrinsic gender identity can be seen as very separate from culturally determined gender roles and behavior.  Perhaps you have not worked with that many women or your sense of domination is situational but consider that women are in leadership positions all over the globe.  Not many female heads of state, corporate CEOs or even your supervisor/manager level professional is a weakling.

You can be a leader of any gender who can let it go enough to share power and recognize your own needs and vulnerabilities without calling it out as masculine or feminine.  Women are tough!, as someone who assisted at thousands of births can attest.
Women are competitive and some are not on the mommy track and chose a child free life. Not just victims of the pervs, women do fight oppression and kick butt as survivors in a arguably male dominated global culture. 

All of that is incidental to how you view and feel yourself in a gendered world.  A fetish is one explanation for some behavior and if you are working with a therapist maybe more can be explored?

And perhaps most importantly you are challenging your own acknowledged sexism, good for you and any of us to work on.

Yeah I think that, that is the issue. I just haven't spent enough time with women in leadership positions. I think it has to do with the fact that I've grown up with extremely sexist cultural values and am surrounded by people with those same values.

I have to constantly tell my sister to disregard the things my parents tell her. I think that when I go to college next year I am going to try and diversify myself and my views.

I think I will discuss this more with my therapist. Thank you for reading this and responding. Sorry if I came across as rude.

[Dena]

The story you have told is very common and if you remain around here for a while you will hear it repeated many times.
I had my surgery 33 years ago but the male side of me is still with me. In the transition process the female side of me was allowed to come out in the open but there was no reason to lose the male part of me. I still do activities that impress the men around me and I am called on for my technical knowledge all the time. I also shoot completion trap and my neighbors raze me about driving a Mustang saying it's not lady like. You have two options in life. You can live a life defined by somebody else or you can define your own life.
I suspect the fact you are uncomfortable with your self is reflected in your actions. You may not be a kid person or kids may remind you that you are not what you want to be. If you decide to transition you will learn what the truth is but there are CIS women out there who don't like kids as well so don't judge yourself by that standard.
You have found the right place here to work out your feeling as all of us have had conflicts like yours. From your short note I see a bit of me in you so you have many brothers and sisters here. Therapy is something you should start as soon as possible so you can work these feeling out but feel free to ask our help as well