Exhausting

[takotsubo]

I was sad and anxious today, and my wife asked me why. I was unable to verbalise it, all I managed was: "it's the transgender thing; it's exhausting".

Because it is. I'm exhausted with always being aware of my body, and always displeased. I'm exhausted with thinking every time I see a woman roughly my age: "I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat". Exhausted with how every time I see a man I'm reminded of that I have the same kind of body as they do, and I'm appalled. Exhausted by the contradiction in that I feel from a political standpoint that society puts way too much focus on gender, yet my gender is all I can think of. Exhausted by the memories from my childhood and teens that resurface all the time; memories of how I wished I were girl; memories that prove this isn't something new or temporary, it's been there all along. Exhausted with blaming myself for not transitioning when I was younger, when it would have been easier and the result world have been so much better.

I feel trapped by my gender dysphoria. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that I am transgender, but I am terrified at the idea of transitioning. I feel like all my options are terrible, and while I try to make up my mind, testosteron keeps me moving steadily in the wrong direction.

And it is so tempting to just push these thoughts away, to hide them again, to pretend, possibly even live relatively happy for a year or two, before it all comes back again.

[Swayallday]

I was sad and anxious today, and my wife asked me why. I was unable to verbalise it, all I managed was: "it's the transgender thing; it's exhausting".

Because it is. I'm exhausted with always being aware of my body, and always displeased. I'm exhausted with thinking every time I see a woman roughly my age: "I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat". Exhausted with how every time I see a man I'm reminded of that I have the same kind of body as they do, and I'm appalled. Exhausted by the contradiction in that I feel from a political standpoint that society puts way too much focus on gender, yet my gender is all I can think of. Exhausted by the memories from my childhood and teens that resurface all the time; memories of how I wished I were girl; memories that prove this isn't something new or temporary, it's been there all along. Exhausted with blaming myself for not transitioning when I was younger, when it would have been easier and the result world have been so much better.

I feel trapped by my gender dysphoria. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that I am transgender, but I am terrified at the idea of transitioning. I feel like all my options are terrible, and while I try to make up my mind, testosteron keeps me moving steadily in the wrong direction.

And it is so tempting to just push these thoughts away, to hide them again, to pretend, possibly even live relatively happy for a year or two, before it all comes back again.

I'm with you here.
Unfortunately I seem to be at a point where I truely can't put the lid back on. I'm tired of distracting myself also.
Personally i'm looking into low dose to perhaps find somewhat relief of these feelings.

I don't find it terrifying, an sich, I think it's actually rather beautiful!
But I get it... Losing friends, work, history, ... Those reoccuring thoughts you have? I have them too!!! I haaattteee it how I ALWAYS!! end up feeling sorry that I didn't transition earlier
But your wife seems supportive, understanding, ok with it?

Onwards to a better life !

[takotsubo]

I'm with you here.
Unfortunately I seem to be at a point where I truely can't put the lid back on. I'm tired of distracting myself also.
Personally i'm looking into low dose to perhaps find somewhat relief of these feelings.

I think I could probably still convince myself that this was just some kind of phase, that I dont't need this. But it does not seem fair to myself. I already seriously considered transitioning once, but chickened out. I feel I owe it to myself to explore this part of myself, because now ten years later it's obviously still alive and kickin'. I don't want to be back here in another few years, always restarting from square one.

Low dose HRT, that is?
Are you considering that as an alternative to transitioning, or as a temporary solution?

Those reoccuring thoughts you have? I have them too!!! I haaattteee it how I ALWAYS!! end up feeling sorry that I didn't transition earlier

While I find it very hard not to, it is obviously pointless to beat oneself up over bad decisions made in the past. Better to learn from them, I guess. And what I'm learning is that if I so deeply regret not transitioning ten years ago, chances are I will regret it later on if I don't figure this out now.

But your wife seems supportive, understanding, ok with it?

Well... she isn't happy about it. She really hopes that I will chose not to transition. But yes, most of the time she is very supportive. How about the people in your life?

[Obfuskatie]

I think I could probably still convince myself that this was just some kind of phase, that I dont't need this. But it does not seem fair to myself. I already seriously considered transitioning once, but chickened out. I feel I owe it to myself to explore this part of myself, because now ten years later it's obviously still alive and kickin'. I don't want to be back here in another few years, always restarting from square one.

Low dose HRT, that is?
Are you considering that as an alternative to transitioning, or as a temporary solution?

While I find it very hard not to, it is obviously pointless to beat oneself up over bad decisions made in the past. Better to learn from them, I guess. And what I'm learning is that if I so deeply regret not transitioning ten years ago, chances are I will regret it later on if I don't figure this out now.

Well... she isn't happy about it. She really hopes that I will chose not to transition. But yes, most of the time she is very supportive. How about the people in your life?

A) How many people have you talked to IRL about your gender issues? We're great and all, but most licensed therapists > armchair-therapists.
B) It's not a phase, not when you're gay, bi, asexual, intersex nor any of the myriad of flavors of trans. That's the old and tired lie everyone reaches for to deny our identities. We fundamentally know and feel our gender identity in the core of who we are. That doesn't mean you're MtF, you can also be somewhere in between Male and Female; e.g.two-spirit or gender fluid. You're going to need time and a safe space to freely express your gender to determine what expressions best fit you and what medical interventions if any are right for you.
C) Any HRT is a big step, whether it's a small dose or large one. Don't think of it as an intermediary compromise, it isn't, and it will significantly effect you emotionally and physically, whether you notice or not, others may. Think - one of these are not like the other... It becomes more apparent when there are contrasts even if it's subtle on its own.
D) Your wife may care about you, but not wanting you to transition = not supportive. If you can calmly express to her that your feelings for her aren't going to change no matter your decision, that may help. But she picked you. Not a male you, you. Many women who end up with trans spouses usually do so because they are or were searching for a feminine man or manly woman. She didn't end up with you, you both found each other.

When I look back at the 9 years after figuring out I was trans, I don't regret the time, or starting at 29 instead of 20. I regret being ashamed. I regret telling my unsupportive abusive ex instead of my mom and brother first. I regret letting one extremely negative response taint my view and optimism about the world. I regret not trusting the rest of the people that matter most to me. The time is mostly reversible with money and more time, but internal scars I gained won't go away.
Trust yourself and get real tangible help. Your wife may be involved but you have to be a whole person to be a real partner. Being a shadow of one will only make her and you both miserable.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rachel]

Dealing with dysphoria is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have found that going for your dreams can help with dysphoria and provided hope. A gender therapist is a good start. HRT can be tried for 4 months to see how it helps. Going to group helps by meeting others that are like yourself and are dealing with the issues.

I have yet to meet a trans person that wants to be trans. Every trans person I have meet wants to be themselves.

It took me going to the edge to realize I just want to be myself and doing something about it. 

[takotsubo]

A) How many people have you talked to IRL about your gender issues? We're great and all, but most licensed therapists > armchair-therapists.

None, so far, except my wife. But I'm on a waitlist to see a gender therapist.

B) It's not a phase, not when you're gay, bi, asexual, intersex nor any of the myriad of flavors of trans. That's the old and tired lie everyone reaches for to deny our identities. We fundamentally know and feel our gender identity in the core of who we are. That doesn't mean you're MtF, you can also be somewhere in between Male and Female; e.g.two-spirit or gender fluid. You're going to need time and a safe space to freely express your gender to determine what expressions best fit you and what medical interventions if any are right for you.

Don't get me wrong, I don't actually think it is a phase. But my gender dysphoria is something I've been able to push aside for years, and I could probably do it again. I don't think it is a good idea (not at all), but it is tempting, not having to deal with all these feelings right now. Anyway, I'm working on the small steps, starting with hair removal.

C) Any HRT is a big step, whether it's a small dose or large one. Don't think of it as an intermediary compromise, it isn't, and it will significantly effect you emotionally and physically,

I know it is a big step, and it's not one I'm about to take without careful deliberation and consulting an endocrinologist. But I've spoken to trans women here who are on low dose HRT as an alternative to full transition.

whether you notice or not, others may. Think - one of these are not like the other... It becomes more apparent when there are contrasts even if it's subtle on its own.

I'm not sure I follow you here. Would you mind clarifying?

D) Your wife may care about you, but not wanting you to transition = not supportive.

I gotta disagree with you there. She's scared, much for the same reasons as I'm scared. Me transitioning would turn her life upside down too. I can't blame her for hoping for an easier solution to my dysphoria than a full transition.

Also, she is starting to come to terms with the idea. The other day she said we'll "be the hottest lesbians in three counties". :-D

When I look back at the 9 years after figuring out I was trans, I don't regret the time, or starting at 29 instead of 20. I regret being ashamed.

That's comforting. I don't feel so terribly ashamed. I feel shy and insecure about it, but not ashamed. So maybe in a few years I won't have so many regrets.

I hope the emotional scars you mention will at least fade with time.

[takotsubo]

I have found that going for your dreams can help with dysphoria and provided hope.

You mean as in going for full transition?

Going to group helps by meeting others that are like yourself and are dealing with the issues.

I've been trying to explore the local support groups, but they seem to be very focused on cross-dressing in the absence of gender dysphoria, and I don't quite feel that applies to me.

I have yet to meet a trans person that wants to be trans. Every trans person I have meet wants to be themselves.

Yes, that's something I've been struggling with. If I could be happy in my body and my assigned gender, would I want to? Intellectually, yes of course I would. A happy life is the goal after all, right? But emotionally the argument seems invalid. How could I be happy with a body and a gender that are not mine? It just doesn't make sense.

[Cindy]

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 29, 2015, 02:34:06 pm
I have yet to meet a trans person that wants to be trans. Every trans person I have meet wants to be themselves.

Yes, that's something I've been struggling with. If I could be happy in my body and my assigned gender, would I want to? Intellectually, yes of course I would. A happy life is the goal after all, right? But emotionally the argument seems invalid. How could I be happy with a body and a gender that are not mine? It just doesn't make sense." Unquote

I recall my first therapy session. I asked him if he could find a way to let me be a man. He just smiled and said I can make your body match your brain, but I can't make your brain match your body.

Now, years later, contentment. My body matches my brain. Finally. Yes it was hard; lots of tears, lots of screaming, lots of why me. Finally? Thank god I stood my ground and became me, a happy, content woman. I would not swap it for the world.

Hang in ladies you will get there.

[Obfuskatie]

None, so far, except my wife. But I'm on a waitlist to see a gender therapist.

Don't get me wrong, I don't actually think it is a phase. But my gender dysphoria is something I've been able to push aside for years, and I could probably do it again. I don't think it is a good idea (not at all), but it is tempting, not having to deal with all these feelings right now. Anyway, I'm working on the small steps, starting with hair removal.

I know it is a big step, and it's not one I'm about to take without careful deliberation and consulting an endocrinologist. But I've spoken to trans women here who are on low dose HRT as an alternative to full transition.

I'm not sure I follow you here. Would you mind clarifying?

I gotta disagree with you there. She's scared, much for the same reasons as I'm scared. Me transitioning would turn her life upside down too. I can't blame her for hoping for an easier solution to my dysphoria than a full transition.

Also, she is starting to come to terms with the idea. The other day she said we'll "be the hottest lesbians in three counties". :-D

That's comforting. I don't feel so terribly ashamed. I feel shy and insecure about it, but not ashamed. So maybe in a few years I won't have so many regrets.

I hope the emotional scars you mention will at least fade with time.

In the mean time, find a local LGBT association most college campuses have them, or PFLAG. That way you can meet people like you and have a safe place to talk about all of this stuff. I'm glad to hear that your wife is starting to say some positive things about all this. I didn't mean to say she was unsupportive, by I kinda believe it's all or nothing and have experienced half-hearted support that became very negative in the past. If you can introduce her to a partner support group she'd probably benefit from it a lot since your process and her process are going to be very different.
'One of these things are not like the others...' Refers to the way our brains are programmed to seek patterns. Think Highlights magazine, and finding hidden objects in pictures. After a while on any hormones, a lot of others here, including myself, start noticing the occasional person staring at us. It comes from them not being able to tell why they think there's something odd about us. It's often referred to here at Susan's as drab-fail or something similar when it becomes hard to blend in as your birth gender. It becomes more pronounced and frequent the further in transition you go while trying to present as your assigned sex. I hope that makes a bit more sense [emoji53]
And I appreciate your concern about the emotional scarring. I doubt they'll go away, but the more good things that have been coming into my life recently, the more the scars fade. I think as long as you stay true to yourself, you'll be fine. [emoji6]


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[takotsubo]

I recall my first therapy session. I asked him if he could find a way to let me be a man. He just smiled and said I can make your body match your brain, but I can't make your brain match your body.

Being friendly with psychopharmaceuticals, it feels strange to me that this is still where we are at. That there isn't a drug that can ease dysphoria. But I guess gender identity is too fundamental to be altered with the blunt tools that psychiatry has to offer today. And as I said - taking a drug to match mind to body and be content as a man would feel wrong anyway.

Now, years later, contentment. My body matches my brain. Finally. Yes it was hard; lots of tears, lots of screaming, lots of why me.

I'm trying to curb the Why Me's, and remember how incredibly privileged I am. That I live in a time and at a place where there are resources available to help me with me gender issues, and even transition if it comes to that. That statistically, it was three times as likely for me to be born with cystic fibrosis as with transsexualism. From that perspective it makes no sense to be bitter.

Emphasis on the trying, though. :-/

Finally? Thank god I stood my ground and became me, a happy, content woman. I would not swap it for the world.

Hang in ladies you will get there.

Thanks for the encouragement. :-)

[takotsubo]

In the mean time, find a local LGBT association most college campuses have them, or PFLAG. That way you can meet people like you and have a safe place to talk about all of this stuff.

I'm glad to hear that your wife is starting to say some positive things about all this. I didn't mean to say she was unsupportive, by I kinda believe it's all or nothing and have experienced half-hearted support that became very negative in the past. If you can introduce her to a partner support group she'd probably benefit from it a lot since your process and her process are going to be very different.

Spending the last few days celebrating Pride, I got the distinct impression that we have a strong local LGBT-movement, but that the trans organisations are weak, and/or seem to consist largely of middle aged male cross-dressers that I have a hard time relating to. Same goes for the partner support - we went to a seminar on partner support together the other day, hosted by the most prominent local trans organisation, but they seemed almost alien to the concept that my wife faces a situation rather different from the spouse of a heterosexual cross-dresser without gender dysphoria. So the search goes on. We met a fair deal of young transgendered persons, so I think we have every possibility to find a support network, there just seems to be a lack of organisation.

'One of these things are not like the others...' Refers to the way our brains are programmed to seek patterns. Think Highlights magazine, and finding hidden objects in pictures. After a while on any hormones, a lot of others here, including myself, start noticing the occasional person staring at us. It comes from them not being able to tell why they think there's something odd about us. It's often referred to here at Susan's as drab-fail or something similar when it becomes hard to blend in as your birth gender. It becomes more pronounced and frequent the further in transition you go while trying to present as your assigned sex. I hope that makes a bit more sense [emoji53]

I had to google Highlights Magazine, but then it made sense. :-D I've always had a hard time blending in amongst males, and I've gotten my fair share of stares, but I can see how HRT would accentuate it. 

[Rejennyrated]

I think I could probably still convince myself that this was just some kind of phase, that I dont't need this.

I apologise for the fact that I am late to this convo and I probably cant offer that much insight, but I wonder if you would be kind enough to answer a question that I have genuinely been puzzled by for a long time, and which no one has ever really answered for me.

Why would you do this? Why would you repress your identity in that way, particularly once you have figured it out?

I mean to borrow from the bible "what profit has a man if he gains the whole world, but in the process loses his soul?" If you know your heart and soul are female then I submit even the bible points out the logic pretty well.

Of course I speak as someone who, being rather naive in my youth, has lived all my life from very early childhood being totally open about my gender identity, even when my body didn't match. Due to medical restrictions in the 1960's and 1970's, I was not able to receive any treatment until I was an adult, but on the whole the comfort I gained from being honest with myself, and my peers, outweighed any problems.

So it has always puzzled me why people do this repression thing. Transition and SRS was not that hard in my experience. There were challenges to overcome, it took time, it took money, and it took some work, but the payback in self love and peace of mind was massive.

So I suppose what I want to say is, you can do this. For me it wasn't really about being male or female, cis or trans, it was just about being honest with myself and everyone about who and what I really am - and that alone carried a truly massive reward in peace of mind.

I know there are issues with wives and families, and while I have no experience of that, as was postop long before I got a family, I do empathise with your dilemma and I wish you fair sailing.

[JoanneB]

I was sad and anxious today, and my wife asked me why. I was unable to verbalise it, all I managed was: "it's the transgender thing; it's exhausting".

Because it is. I'm exhausted with always being aware of my body, and always displeased. I'm exhausted with thinking every time I see a woman roughly my age: "I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat". Exhausted with how every time I see a man I'm reminded of that I have the same kind of body as they do, and I'm appalled. Exhausted by the contradiction in that I feel from a political standpoint that society puts way too much focus on gender, yet my gender is all I can think of. Exhausted by the memories from my childhood and teens that resurface all the time; memories of how I wished I were girl; memories that prove this isn't something new or temporary, it's been there all along. Exhausted with blaming myself for not transitioning when I was younger, when it would have been easier and the result world have been so much better.

I feel trapped by my gender dysphoria. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that I am transgender, but I am terrified at the idea of transitioning. I feel like all my options are terrible, and while I try to make up my mind, testosteron keeps me moving steadily in the wrong direction.

And it is so tempting to just push these thoughts away, to hide them again, to pretend, possibly even live relatively happy for a year or two, before it all comes back again.

Welcome to the World I lived in, and still do. I feel your pain.

After some 50 years of trying to keep the ocean of corks around me under water I hit bottom. That was when I realized that how I was NOT handing being trans was the root cause of many, if not all, my major life disasters.

Transitioning was the very last thing on my mind. Been there, tried it twice in my early 20's. Both times realizing it wasn't for me. On top of my list was figuring out some way to get these two great aspects of myself, the male and female, to peacefully coexist inside of me. It was pretty obvious, even to me, that the male side beating down the female one was not working after 40+ years of that route. Living out in the middle of nowhere at the time the only support/help I could find was a TG Support group some 90 miles away. After a lifetime of living in the shadows of NYC for the first time ever I reached out to "those people". I was in shock by the time the first meeting ended. There I was in a living room filled with others who's life stories almost mirrored my own. By the time the third meeting was over I knew I needed to be there. I also know it was already almost too late to tell my wife what was up.

My wife, like yours, knew of my gender issues, even my transitioning experiments. She even had no problem with my occasional escapes from maleness when I needed to present as female around the house. In time she even stayed home when I did. I, we, figured I was "just a cross-dresser". I knew I had given up any hope in this lifetime of transitioning. Better luck next time. So more resigned to being a CD. She was "Supportive to a point". A self described sexist. She liked men and what they had and how they made her feel. Totally OK with me being a CD. Usually haunted for days after my escapes when looking at me she saw Joanne. A bit of a buzz-kill for her in the romance department.

Telling her about this new development was not going to be easy. Unlike you, open and honest communication did not come easy. My wife is pathologically honest along with a bearer of TMI. She was far from thrilled over it, especially since almost all the members of the group were transitioned.

This all happened six years ago. A lot of great things have transpired since then. I am still trying to figure out exactly who I am vs who I am expected to be. I still present male, got rehired by an old boss and am once again doing a job I love and have fun in. My life is working on so many levels now with all the personal growth I've obtained these past years in taking on the beast. I still need to learn and grow more. My wife is grateful of all the work I have been doing and "most" of the changes I've made. My on again, off again relationship with low dose HRT I relied on once every few years for the brain reset became on again to fullish dose. The bumps on the chest don't thrill her by any means.

Not to obfuscate things (  ), HRT DOES change you on many levels. More so then bumps on your chest and things going numb downstairs. It can be emotionally addictive. There was a time, early on, when during my WTF am I doing meltdowns I'd either say to myself or to my wife I can stop that. She always said no, don't. Then it became "You know you can't". For me it even has become you know you can't when I begin to think maybe I can.

It can be, and in many ways is a struggle to "Manage" being trans. There is no cure. There is no ignoring it. I tried for decades using the 3D's of Diversions, Distractions, and Denial to manage it. Today I am trying and learning of other ways to that are suitable for me. Besides managing the trans part there are many more balls in the air that I have to juggle. In an ideal world I would fully transition today. I am also thankfull I do not overwhelmingly feel that I NEED to. Well... most days I don't.

[takotsubo]

I apologise for the fact that I am late to this convo and I probably cant offer that much insight, but I wonder if you would be kind enough to answer a question that I have genuinely been puzzled by for a long time, and which no one has ever really answered for me.

Why would you do this? Why would you repress your identity in that way, particularly once you have figured it out?

I mean to borrow from the bible "what profit has a man if he gains the whole world, but in the process loses his soul?" If you know your heart and soul are female then I submit even the bible points out the logic pretty well.

Of course I speak as someone who, being rather naive in my youth, has lived all my life from very early childhood being totally open about my gender identity, even when my body didn't match. Due to medical restrictions in the 1960's and 1970's, I was not able to receive any treatment until I was an adult, but on the whole the comfort I gained from being honest with myself, and my peers, outweighed any problems.

So it has always puzzled me why people do this repression thing. Transition and SRS was not that hard in my experience. There were challenges to overcome, it took time, it took money, and it took some work, but the payback in self love and peace of mind was massive.

So I suppose what I want to say is, you can do this. For me it wasn't really about being male or female, cis or trans, it was just about being honest with myself and everyone about who and what I really am - and that alone carried a truly massive reward in peace of mind.

I know there are issues with wives and families, and while I have no experience of that, as was postop long before I got a family, I do empathise with your dilemma and I wish you fair sailing.

I appreciate your thoughts, regardless of if they come early or late in the conversation. :-)

So why would I repress my identity?

Because it is easier – at least in the short term. No difficult decisions. No need to come out to friends and family. No drugs with burdensome or dangerous side effects. No strain on my marriage.

Because I'm scared. I'm terrified of the RLE period. Of being seen as a man in a dress. Of discrimination. Of hate crimes.

Because while my dysphoria is absolutely present, for long periods of time it has been relatively discreet. I am not one of those trans persons who knew with absolute certainty from childhood that they were born into the wrong body. In retrospect the signs were there, but I didn't even start to think along the lines of being transgendered until I was a teenager. And while I've had my share of suicidal ideation, it was seldom directly connected to my gender identity. My dysphoria has been there from the very beginning, but a lot of the time it has been an itch, a constant discomfort, rather than an unbearable pain. In the context of your bible quote - I don't know if repressing my dysphoria could be considered "losing my soul". Maybe like losing a part of it.

Because I'm not confident that transition is the only way for me to live a happy life. In a lot of ways I am happy. It is a struggle to keep depression at bay, but it is a struggle I'm getting better at.

But maybe most of all, because I lack confidence in the image of myself as a woman. While I long for it, I find it hard to imagine. Hard to believe that I could ever truly look and feel like a woman.

But I'm glad to hear that transition and SRS were not that difficult for you. And I have yet to hear someone who made the decision to transition and then came to regret it. I know it happens, but it seems rare.

And when it comes to family... My wife really is coming around more every day. She's made a point now several times of saying that if I need transitioning she'll be there for me. And while I'm really scared at the idea of coming out to the rest of my family, I feel confident that they will be supportive, so I'm not even really sure of what I'm scared of there.

Anyway. Thank you for your kind words, and for taking the time to read. I should probably be more concise, but it feels good to turn my messy thoughts into words. I hope this answers your question, at least partially.

[Rejennyrated]

Yes thank you it does...

I understand a little more now - and though you may not know this, I hope it may please you to know that by helping me to understand you will probably have helped at least one of my future patients - because I'm a penultimate year medical student and I'm pretty sure that sooner or later I will come acrosss a trans patient - so understanding better the barriers and fears that some will face is very important to me.

I would encourage you and tell you that I think many of your fears will not translate to reality. In truth most people who do not have my luck to transition in early childhood do have the woory of how they will look and its perfectly understandable, but in reality after a sometimes shaky start most of them do go on to look pretty good.

As for the rest I do believe a skilled therapist will be able to help you work through those fears, and I do think that is the most positive thing you can do for yourself, because clearly you now know or suspect that this isnt ever going to go away.

I do wish you every happiness - and would like to thank you for takin the time to explain so clearly. I appreciate it a lot.

Best

JennyD.

[Serverlan]

...taking a drug to match mind to body and be content as a man would feel wrong anyway.

Maybe it would feel wrong, but that's not certain. I'd certainly give such a drug a shot. It's all about the dysphoria for me.

[Obfuskatie]

I appreciate your thoughts, regardless of if they come early or late in the conversation. :-)

So why would I repress my identity?

Because it is easier – at least in the short term. No difficult decisions. No need to come out to friends and family. No drugs with burdensome or dangerous side effects. No strain on my marriage.

Because I'm scared. I'm terrified of the RLE period. Of being seen as a man in a dress. Of discrimination. Of hate crimes.

Because while my dysphoria is absolutely present, for long periods of time it has been relatively discreet. I am not one of those trans persons who knew with absolute certainty from childhood that they were born into the wrong body. In retrospect the signs were there, but I didn't even start to think along the lines of being transgendered until I was a teenager. And while I've had my share of suicidal ideation, it was seldom directly connected to my gender identity. My dysphoria has been there from the very beginning, but a lot of the time it has been an itch, a constant discomfort, rather than an unbearable pain. In the context of your bible quote - I don't know if repressing my dysphoria could be considered "losing my soul". Maybe like losing a part of it.

Because I'm not confident that transition is the only way for me to live a happy life. In a lot of ways I am happy. It is a struggle to keep depression at bay, but it is a struggle I'm getting better at.

But maybe most of all, because I lack confidence in the image of myself as a woman. While I long for it, I find it hard to imagine. Hard to believe that I could ever truly look and feel like a woman.

But I'm glad to hear that transition and SRS were not that difficult for you. And I have yet to hear someone who made the decision to transition and then came to regret it. I know it happens, but it seems rare.

And when it comes to family... My wife really is coming around more every day. She's made a point now several times of saying that if I need transitioning she'll be there for me. And while I'm really scared at the idea of coming out to the rest of my family, I feel confident that they will be supportive, so I'm not even really sure of what I'm scared of there.

Anyway. Thank you for your kind words, and for taking the time to read. I should probably be more concise, but it feels good to turn my messy thoughts into words. I hope this answers your question, at least partially.

RLE is no longer a requirement for transition. In the change from HBIGDA to WPATH standards of care and the revising of the DSMV for dysphoria, most clinics operate with informed consent as their requirement. In order to do SRS, we still need two letters from therapists/doctors. There isn't a lot of research on cross-sex hormone replacement, most of the dire predictions are from results for HRT with menopausal women. It doesn't mean you won't develop thrombosis or w/e, especially if you smoke. It means there's no evidence that HRT works the same when paired with hormone blockers or after orchiectomy to prevent osteoporosis among other things.
For me, my gender issues started at around 2, but I didn't understand it nor have the words to express how I felt until finding transgender on Wikipedia at 19. It blew my mind that there was a word for people like me, when I had thought no one felt like I did.
My original postponement of transition after that eureka moment, was because of being told I'd never be able to escape looking like a man in a dress. I don't, but at the time I couldn't see past my insecurities. In my experience and from what I've read, dysphoria gets worse with time, not better.
Talk to the most supportive member of your family. Work your way through the rest of them and see how supportive they are. Be concise and direct, and don't beat around the bush. You can figure out whether you want to transition separately from being open with the people who are most important to you. After you tell them is when they will finally have the chance to really see you. That may be enough, being able to talk openly about how you feel with the most important people in your life. But you may decide you need to transition at some point, and if you already have a supportive family at that point, you'll be starting from a place of confidence and security.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[takotsubo]

Transitioning was the very last thing on my mind. Been there, tried it twice in my early 20's. Both times realizing it wasn't for me.

What was it that made you feel transition wasn't for you the first two times? Do you plan to transition someday? I saw that it says "third time's the charm" under your avatar...

Living out in the middle of nowhere at the time the only support/help I could find was a TG Support group some 90 miles away. After a lifetime of living in the shadows of NYC for the first time ever I reached out to "those people". I was in shock by the time the first meeting ended. There I was in a living room filled with others who's life stories almost mirrored my own. By the time the third meeting was over I knew I needed to be there. I also know it was already almost too late to tell my wife what was up.

It is an amazing thing to meet other TG's and see how similar our thoughts and troubles are. I'm thankful to be living in a time where the internet allows me to do so with such ease. But I'm also working on finding a real life support group.

A self described sexist. She liked men and what they had and how they made her feel. Totally OK with me being a CD. Usually haunted for days after my escapes when looking at me she saw Joanne. A bit of a buzz-kill for her in the romance department.

Obviously I worry about my wife not being attracted to my body after a transition, but she probably has rather different opinions regarding masculinity than your wife does. While her standpoint is more philosophical than practical, she'd probably describe herself as misandrist. Male traits have never been valued very high in our household.

My life is working on so many levels now with all the personal growth I've obtained these past years in taking on the beast. I still need to learn and grow more. My wife is grateful of all the work I have been doing and "most" of the changes I've made.

I'm very glad to hear your life is working better, but I'd love to better understand what changes you have made. Is it largely acceptance that has gotten you to where you are? Or was HRT the major game changer? Or something entirely different?

You're saying HRT has been emotionally addictive to you. In what way? As in it makes you feel better while you're on it, or as in you experience withdrawal symptoms when you don't?

In an ideal world I would fully transition today. I am also thankfull I do not overwhelmingly feel that I NEED to. Well... most days I don't.

While I absolutely see where you're coming from, I kind of wish I felt that overwhelming need to transition. If I knew that transition is what I need to do to stay alive, I imagine I would experience a lot less doubt. Do I want to live? Yes. Therefore: transition. It would also be a much easier sell to my wife and family than the current "sure, I probably could live like this for the rest of my life, but it doesn't feel right".

[takotsubo]

Yes thank you it does...

I understand a little more now - and though you may not know this, I hope it may please you to know that by helping me to understand you will probably have helped at least one of my future patients - because I'm a penultimate year medical student and I'm pretty sure that sooner or later I will come acrosss a trans patient - so understanding better the barriers and fears that some will face is very important to me.

I would encourage you and tell you that I think many of your fears will not translate to reality. In truth most people who do not have my luck to transition in early childhood do have the woory of how they will look and its perfectly understandable, but in reality after a sometimes shaky start most of them do go on to look pretty good.

As for the rest I do believe a skilled therapist will be able to help you work through those fears, and I do think that is the most positive thing you can do for yourself, because clearly you now know or suspect that this isnt ever going to go away.

I do wish you every happiness - and would like to thank you for takin the time to explain so clearly. I appreciate it a lot.

Best

JennyD.

I'm glad I could help. :-) Also, always nice to meet a colleague – I just graduated in June!

Well, it kind of bothers me that I worry so much about my looks post transition. What do looks matter if I can be myself, right? But they do matter. At least at this point. And that's another reason I need to find som real-life transsexual friends, because most of the cross-dressers I met last week didn't even bother to shave, and looked exactly the way I absolutely do not want to look. I'm glad they feel happy and satisfied with that level of femininity, but it's just not going to cut it for me.

I keep my fingers crossed for a good connection with the gender therapist when we meet in mid-September. I got a positive impression over the phone.

[takotsubo]

RLE is no longer a requirement for transition. In the change from HBIGDA to WPATH standards of care and the revising of the DSMV for dysphoria, most clinics operate with informed consent as their requirement. In order to do SRS, we still need two letters from therapists/doctors.

I'm pretty sure it's still required in Sweden. But obviously I'd love it if I were mistaken.

There isn't a lot of research on cross-sex hormone replacement, most of the dire predictions are from results for HRT with menopausal women. It doesn't mean you won't develop thrombosis or w/e, especially if you smoke. It means there's no evidence that HRT works the same when paired with hormone blockers or after orchiectomy to prevent osteoporosis among other things.

That's interesting. What is w/e short for? I've (almost) never smoked, and I have a fairly healthy lifestyle, so at least I'm not at a high risk of cardiovascular complications.

My original postponement of transition after that eureka moment, was because of being told I'd never be able to escape looking like a man in a dress. I don't, but at the time I couldn't see past my insecurities.

I'm sorry someone said that to you. Words can do such damage.

In my experience and from what I've read, dysphoria gets worse with time, not better.

That is my experience too.

Talk to the most supportive member of your family. Work your way through the rest of them and see how supportive they are. Be concise and direct, and don't beat around the bush. You can figure out whether you want to transition separately from being open with the people who are most important to you. After you tell them is when they will finally have the chance to really see you. That may be enough, being able to talk openly about how you feel with the most important people in your life. But you may decide you need to transition at some point, and if you already have a supportive family at that point, you'll be starting from a place of confidence and security.

I discussed this with my wife yesterday, and we concluded that the person in my family that is likely to have the best reaction is actually my grandmother. She is born in the 30's, but she places such pride in being progressive, I think  she'll have my back from the get-go. My parents will support me too, but probably with a lot more questions and worries. Anyway, I absolutely see your point, but I feel like I want to know more about what direction I'm moving in before I come out to my family. I want to be able to provide better answers to those questions about what happens next.