to come out to everyone before starting physical transition or not?

[phoenix633]

I'm 25 and transitioning from female to male. I am not on hormones or anything yet. I've been going to gender therapy for 3 months and planning on continuing that. I have the option to start hormones in about a month but I am not totally out to everyone. I pass as male in public pretty much all the time but everyone thinks I'm 15. I have come out to my parents who are trying to get used to the new name and pronouns and my closest friends. I deactivated my old facebook since I've got about 700 acquaintances on there and didn't feel like being that public. I can always reactivate it whenever I want and eventually I want to to let a lot of people know at once. What I am most concerned about is my extended family. There are about 40 of them and a lot of them conservative and religious. I just don't know how to tell them or when or if I even should. Sometimes it just feels weird to think that 90 percent of the people who know me have no clue what I am doing. It makes me feel kinda like I'm hiding but I'm also scared to tell everyone on facebook and my whole family and get that much attention. I know I would probably get a lot of support from some people but it would feel so real. Maybe it would make me feel better to just get it over with. I am not sure. But at the same time, I just don't like to make big announcements and be the center of attention so I'm trying to figure out how to come out and when. Especially with my family. Should I send an email or video of me explaining this or just not tell anyone until I see them next? Or just make a facebook post because most of them are my friends on there.

[emyrinth]

I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you. I came out to most people before I started HRT because I wanted to know where I stood and give people a chance to get used to the idea before they started noticing changes. In retrospect (mtf) I don't think it was necessary to wait. However as to who I told and when it was a matter of accessibility of the person and how I thought they would take it. The hardest was my Dad who still pretends the whole thing isnt happening.  Everyone else I read as an individual, if I didn't think they could take it I just didnt tell them. Its now an "open secret" as in I talk about it openly, share articles that are pertinent to me and if someone didn't know.. oops.

[Mariah]

It's totally up to you as to when and where you come out. I did tell people on facebook, but I was able to do so via private message before the forced conversion to messenger so they were able to communicate back and fourth easily. You seem like you would prefer a more private route and I can understand that. There is no need to come out tell your ready to tell people. That could be months or even years in to transition. I told people before physical changes started to occur, but that was personal preference. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Valwen]

Not long after I started seeing my therapist he urged me to come out to someone who I trust and who I would in time need to tell. After I had done that I talked with my mother and then made a resolution. I resolved to come out to one new person each week starting with those I am closest to and working my way out. There where weeks I failed and others where I told more than one, it was good for me it made me feel like I was always going forward and I kept that up for several months until I accidentally went full time.

Something similar may work for you.

Serena

[CrysC]

Just my 2 cents worth...
I'd make sure I was really going through with it first before bringing it up.  If you are on the fence at all then you will face pressure to change your mind.  At this stage you don't need that.  It's all about you finding out who you are. 
If that takes starting HRT or going out as a guy some then you might want to do that.  Therapists are great to help walk you through this, good ones that is. 

This is a fairly uncomfortable thing even if it feels so awesome at times when it's the right thing.  No need to make it more uncomfortable than you have to though. 
Good luck Phoenix!  May you rise from the ashes reborn  ;-)

[AnonyMs]

I'm not sure I'm a good person to answer this but I;ll give it a go. I'd not tell anyone until as as late as possible, well after starting HRT. If you change you mind your can always stop HRT, but you can't reverse outing yourself. Its been years for me though. I'm just not ready yet.

[KristinaM]

It's difficult to put the genie back in the bottle!  I've told my parents and siblings, a dozen friends or so, one of my coworkers, and of course my wife.  So, yeah.  I'm walking this path one way or another now with no turning back unless something EXTREMELY dramatic happens to change my life.

[Tristyn]

Hi phoenix. And welcome.

Love your username. In fact, that is what I prefer to be called now instead of my at-birth name. I think you are doing the right things and I try not too over-think these things but it is good to be prepared.

I am sorta in the same boat you are(even down to the age part, cause people say I look about 10 years younger too). T will help us look kinda older and therefore help masculinarize our appearance even more, which is what I'm sure you want, right? I say you are off on a very good start because you are taking appropriate steps for transitioning(in truth,there are a diversity of steps since all transsexuals/transgender people are unique ). I honestly just came out to my own self as being transgender last month and to my immediate family(unfortunately I was outted by someone to a sister I do not like much and another sister that I dislike but not with as much intensity...my oldest bro probably knows now too, which really frightens me to think about because he is also very religious/conservative/Christian, I believe ).

To make a long story short, everyone received it very well except my family(my favorite sibling, another big brother of mine, seems to try to accept it but I can greatly sense his discomfort when bringing it up in our text ). Even with highly supportive family, this sudden news can indeed be a shock or even devastating to hear about. Hopefully they will hear it from you and not someone else behind your back. So do be careful who you choose to come out to, ok? I am quickly learning this and new things about this very hard pre-transitioning stage every single day.

Best of luck to you, my friend.

[AbeLane]

Hey Phoenix -

I also have an extended family that's pretty religious/conservative. Lucky for me, I don't see them often. But I also didn't know how to come out to people. So this is what I did. I actually only told five people in person. People I knew would be accepting, supportive, and who were close to me. Then I spend a couple weeks writing out a Facebook post. (It took me that long because I wanted to make sure I worded it perfectly.) And then I just put it out there. There are still people who don't know because they aren't facebook friends with me who might get a little surprised when I start transitioning (my neighbors/people at college) but I don't feel the need to come out to everyone. When people call me by my birthname now I just correct them and say "I go by Abe now" if they have questions I explain that I'm transgender, but most people just go with it or figure it out on their own (thank god we live in a time when people are starting to hear the word transgender and know what it means).

I preferred coming out on Facebook, because I didn't have to do it face-to-face and see people's reactions. I felt it also gave people a bit of time to understand and come to terms with it before they had to talk to me again. And the support I receive from friends made it easier to deal with any non-support I received from my extended family.

But yeah, just because that's how I did it, doesn't mean that's how you have to do it. When the time is right for you to tell people, you'll know it.

[Tristyn]

Hey Phoenix -

I also have an extended family that's pretty religious/conservative. Lucky for me, I don't see them often. But I also didn't know how to come out to people. So this is what I did. I actually only told five people in person. People I knew would be accepting, supportive, and who were close to me. Then I spend a couple weeks writing out a Facebook post. (It took me that long because I wanted to make sure I worded it perfectly.) And then I just put it out there. There are still people who don't know because they aren't facebook friends with me who might get a little surprised when I start transitioning (my neighbors/people at college) but I don't feel the need to come out to everyone. When people call me by my birthname now I just correct them and say "I go by Abe now" if they have questions I explain that I'm transgender, but most people just go with it or figure it out on their own (thank god we live in a time when people are starting to hear the word transgender and know what it means).

I preferred coming out on Facebook, because I didn't have to do it face-to-face and see people's reactions. I felt it also gave people a bit of time to understand and come to terms with it before they had to talk to me again. And the support I receive from friends made it easier to deal with any non-support I received from my extended family.

But yeah, just because that's how I did it, doesn't mean that's how you have to do it. When the time is right for you to tell people, you'll know it.

I wish I would have thought of this. I mean, I know full and well that all my family use it(Facebook), mostly. I am so set in my ways of being annoyed by social media, I failed to see any advantage it could possibly possess, until now. Even my father uses Facebook. I still think he would be very refusing of me anyway....he is just that stubborn.

Also, I know you were responding to the creator of this intro thread, but I just thought I would place a little input here too. Greatly sorry for any confusion this may have caused.