Public Bathrooms: what's the worst that could happen?

[ShadowCharms]

I've been transitioning for about a 19 months now. At some point about a year in, I started really freaking men out by being in the men's room. Pretty much constantly, men who saw me in there would run back outside of the room, and make sure that it was really the men's room.  A lot of them just wouldn't come back in until I left. I had some men shout at me, and others politely tell me that I was in the wrong restroom. At first I thought all of those dramatic reactions were funny, but gradually, it started to feel like I was actually trespassing by being in there.

Despite the fact that I have basically decided that I don't belong in the men's room anymore, I am absolutely terrified of using the women's room. I live in a state where the law protects me if I use the women's room, but I'm still very afraid of going in there. I don't want to be yelled at, or have the police called on me.

When I'm out with my mom, she tries to make me go into the women's room with her so that I'll stop being afraid. I've never had even one woman confront me for being in there, but it still completely terrifies me. A lot of my other friends tell me to just use the women's room like it's no big deal.

My biggest fear about bathrooms is using the women's room in another state. I know that in most states the law would not protect me should someone decide I didn't belong in there. I'm guessing that in some of those states, local lawmakers would take great glee in hoisting me up as an example of what happens to trans people who try to pee in peace.

All of my fears aside, what's the worst that could really happen? Are my friends right that I'm overthinking this, or is it legitimately dangerous for me to go into the women's room? Can I be tried as a sex offender for being in there? What else could I be charged with?

I'm just trying to figure out if public bathrooms are forever off limits for me.

[janetcgtv]

If you go out dressed and go to the men's bathroom. the men might realise(keyboard stuck) that you are born male then they might kill you. Women's bathroom maybe(likely) nothing would happen to you.

I'm happy for you to have a wonderful mother. Just please accept her advise.

The more you go in, the more it will become a piece of cake. Just when you go out dressed at first, it later became a piece of cake.

Have a lovely day.

[suzifrommd]

Please don't dwell on the worst that could happen.

I know lots of non-passable trans women who use the ladies' all the time in all sorts of places, and not one of them has ever reported a problem.

While the possibility of nastiness still exists (cisgender women have been assaulted in restrooms too...) you can't worry about every awful thing that might happen.

[Valwen]

Dependant on the state and people involved you COULD be murdered, raped, arrested or assaulted. But you are way more likely in the ladies room to just at worse cause some embarrassment, mabye freak out some normal people and worst case get yelled at, but based on your picture I doubt anything more than a bit if fear and embarrassment. On the other hand in the men's room appearing female makes physical, mental and emotional assault more and more likely.

I am going through something similar and though my state dose not exactly protect my rights in this situation I made the decision that from the moment I took off the boy costume I would use the pink door so to speak. Even after weeks I get nervous, and embarrassed but I force myself to go every time, thirty odd years of social conditioning takes time to overcome but I know I will get use to it in the end, and you will too. :-)

Serena, acting way more confident than she is right now.

[Sammy]

I usually go by the logic that woman in men's room is considered as funny accident (guys wont make a fuss and dont really care in most cases anyway - as they try not to look very close at anyone present inside), whereas women might call security or law-enforcement - for me, it is apparent which is the worst case scenario. I have had those cases when somebody comes in, seems me in front of the sink and double-checks the sign, or those rare occasions when I lock eyes in the mirror with someone standing next to me and he has that "WTF???" expression, but they have never said a word to me. And since I know that I dont look like a guy anymore, but I am not sure that I look as a woman, I go with the lesser risk.
Of course, this is said from EU perspective, where people dont carry concealed fire-arms anddo not enter restrooms with intent to assault, rape and murder each other whenever an opportunity would present (sarcasm mode off).

[Stella Sophia]

Yeah I totally feel your pain, I started using the female's bathroom before I started HRT, and I mean I use it now still and I am not very passable, I totally look like a "man in a dress". It really comes down to just getting used to it. I wont lie it is still very awkward as hell but I find the more I do it the easier it becomes. But you sound like me, so here is a run down of the worst that could happen, according to my own mind:

Get harassed for using the women's restroom:

1.) Women scream/attack you
2.) Women call their guys to the rescue.
3.) Guy "is the hero" and drags you out of the restroom and declares victory over the "trans invader."
4.) Someone calls the policy and you are escorted out and fined
5.) Women make nasty faces or remarks at you

Get harassed for using the men's restroom:

1.) Attacked or raped because you were "asking for it" coming into the men's restroom, "That's a dude, they knew what they were doing coming in here."
2.) a group of guys perform the violations and harassment found in problem 1 above.
3.) You get murdered or seriously injured.
4.) Gangbang type of murder/rape. Remember; "You asked for it coming in here like this."
5.) Men making nasty faces or remarks at you.

What's  the difference here? Generally you will find if the worst happens in a women's restroom, its going to be about making a big scene, about people seeing what is happening and or making sure everyone is aware, so this leaves you embarrassed and humiliated as all hell but people are watching. The other alternative is that men wont make a scene about it, they will just rape or kill you.

Seriously girl, its dangerous for you being in the boy's room. This might sound awkward as hell but try going from store to store where there are public restrooms and just go in and follow the motions (check your facebook while on the toilet) and just get used to it. don't wait for everyone to leave, walk out and wash your hands and check your makeup like you been doing this your whole life. Most women I have been in the bathroom with don't even notice even if I am over 6' tall and built like a football player but in a dress.

I should also mention I live in Idaho, the land of bigotry, and I have yet to have any problems in the 4 months I have been using the ladies' room.

[Ms Grace]

If the men see you as a woman, then presumably the women do too. I know it's a big scary step but if you are presenting as female then use the female rest rooms. Once you've done it once you'll see the worry was for nothing. I have little choice in the matter - the Spiro makes me need to pee so much I am frequently looking for a rest room when out in public. There's no way I'm using the men's!

[suzifrommd]

Get harassed for using the women's restroom:

1.) Women scream/attack you
2.) Women call their guys to the rescue.
3.) Guy "is the hero" and drags you out of the restroom and declares victory over the "trans invader."
4.) Someone calls the policy and you are escorted out and fined
5.) Women make nasty faces or remarks at you

I agree with your lists.

I want to emphasize that these things very rarely happen. When they do, they tend to be be national news (which means that they must be rare). None of the non-passable trans women I know (and I know quite a number) have ever had any sort of trouble in a ladies' public washroom.

I don't want to scare people off who might be thinking about transitioning and are concerned about problems if they are not passable.

[Lady Smith]

When I started transition I was so worried about this I asked my GP to write me a letter explaining my situation that I could carry on me at all times.  After five years had gone by I stopped carrying it because I'd never had to use it.

Oh yes Grace I can remember that awful sudden need to go pee when I started HRT.  If anyone had tried to stop me from going into the ladies back then they would've either been trampled or suddenly drowned or both 

[Mariah]

The last time I used the mens room was no more than a couple of weeks before going full time. If it wasn't for the area missing some hair on top of my head I wouldn't have even considered using the mens room then. The fact is I felt, always kind of did, but especially that last time that I was in forbidden territory being in there. I even took a look to make sure no one was watching me enter that bathroom. Lucky no one was in there, but still I was concerned that someone would watch a girl go in the mens room. I had a ball cap on so that bald spot wasn't visible at all. I knew then I couldn't and wouldn't ever use one again. I have never had an issue even the gender market wasn't updated yet, which it was within a month of being full time. It if it wasn't for a mail snafu it would have been sooner. You shouldn't have any problem when presenting female using the woman's restroom. I have used it in other states including those that have tried to pass laws prohibiting it and didn't have an issue. Anne is right, if it helps get a letter to carry on you that explains that you should be and need to be using the woman's restroom. It will give you an insurance policy of sorts tell your gender marker is updated. Hugs
Mariah

it started to feel like I was actually trespassing by being in there.


My biggest fear about bathrooms is using the women's room in another state. I know that in most states the law would not protect me should someone decide I didn't belong in there. I'm guessing that in some of those states, local lawmakers would take great glee in hoisting me up as an example of what happens to trans people who try to pee in peace.

All of my fears aside, what's the worst that could really happen? Are my friends right that I'm overthinking this, or is it legitimately dangerous for me to go into the women's room? Can I be tried as a sex offender for being in there? What else could I be charged with?

I'm just trying to figure out if public bathrooms are forever off limits for me.

[RaptorChops]

 It's all in your head 99% of the time. I know when I started using the men's room I freaked out that some guy was going to grab me and beat the snot out of me. It never happened and I never had anyone say anything to me.

[Devlyn]

My first public use of the ladies room was with my sister. I asked her to make sure the coast was clear, she signaled me in and there were three women standing there using the sinks and hot air hand dryers. I found a stall and while I was peeing someone tapped on the door. I said "Just a minute" but my voice doesn't pass. I came out and washed up, more women around. No one said a word. This was a nice restaurant, I'm sure it is more difficult in different scenarios. Just go for it!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Gewaltraud]

I pretty much just go wherever there's no line. No one has ever given me issues because I look pretty androgynous and most are terrified of me anyway, for reasons I don't know... All I can say is that to overcome your fear, you have to feel confident about who you are, show no fear and stand behind yourself. No one messes with that.


Mod Edit- No foul language please.

[iKate]

The worst that can happen is the worst that can happen and very very very very rarely happens. I'm not afraid of anyone but I don't belong in a men's room. I simply just go in like I own the place and nobody cares. Women have even asked me for sanitary products (because the vending machines are never stocked). So I started carrying a pack of tampons even though I will never use them. I do carry liners to keep my underwear clean and fresh and things flat. Plus it's practice for post SRS.

But seriously don't be afraid.

Also change your ID to female ASAP. If you get arrested this can help with mounting a defense. Bathroom bills based on birth gender have all failed so what's on your ID will likely hold up in court.

[warlockmaker]

In Thailand even as a male you have female restroom cleaners and they come and go without a problem with males around doing their thing, and using the female is no problem as 50% of the time there is a TG there already. The Thai TGs can be very humerous and tend to engage you in conversation. I do have a doctors letter for other countries in Asia that are more anal about this issue.