Trigger warning - transition is nice but I want things I can't have

[iKate]

So yes, transition is going really well for me. I pass pretty much 100% now. Voice was my biggest obstacle but that is gone now. I have close to 100% social acceptance from everyone and 90% from family. I am very happy about that.

But it burns me that:

I can't get pregnant. I know some women would die for this, but I really really want to be a mom, moreso than I am to my current kids. I mean I love my kids but there is a bond that a kid has with their mom. Adoption is nice and something I could do but it's not the same.

Everything else about the female reproductive system that I can't have.

Men who would refuse to touch me when I tell them I am trans. Nope, not going to lie to them or not tell them. I believe in being honest and up front about who you are. I mean I am not dating right now but the thought of it bothers me. I get attention from men but they don't know.

When post op having to dilate regularly. See the last paragraph as to why that may be necessary.

People who know me for a while still accidentally misgender me then correct themselves. I know they are making an effort but it bothers me.

History that includes male centric stuff ilke an all boys school where I was bullied and called all sorts of names for being effeminate. Going back to elementary school, so even transition in my teens and 20s wouldn't have helped.

People who always like to shove X and Y chromosomes in your face and make ridiculous comparisons about how some guy identifies as a dolphin so he should transition to one.

I mean, I hate to say this but I can see now why a lot of trans women kill themselves... why am I even bothering? Sometimes I feel I should just forget about it and just go back to being a depressed, dysphoric male. I can't, because I'm essentially past the point of no return. But it certainly feels like I'm losing my wife and losing my family for nothing. I mean I'll be constantly depressed if I detransition but at least I'll have a normal family.

I hate to say this but transition isn't helping with my dysphoria. Some parts are gone, but it's kind of making some parts of it worse.

I did talk with my therapist about this, and she said that a lot of what I have to do is acceptance, and hope that eventually medical science will catch up to completely "fix" us, but that is unlikely so I should learn to accept.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Kate. It's a long road. Family and relationship stuff is hard for people whose identities are 100% mainstream. It's ten times harder for us.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[stephaniec]

transition is a lot easier for me because I'm a lot older and have absolutely nothing to lose. I've never had anything so you can't really miss what you never had. I know a lot of people on Susan's have lost a lot or are in fear of losing every thing and that's bad. I denied myself my whole life and some time I get pretty pissed about it. I've had a lot of therapy for other reasons and never was able to deal with this until recently, but I still get angry because some of the so called psychologist , really only one , all the others were good considering the type of problems I had. The one that was an idiot could of shown me the possible path , but didn't. The real messed up thing is that the one psychologist that was an idiot lives a few blocks from me and I see him all the time and I just want to throw a bottle of coke at him , but I'd waste a good coke . Other than that I'm pretty lucky to have a good transition. My biggest concern all these years was having hormones and that's what I finally got.

[Petti]

Hello Kate. I feel your pain, sister. I recently came with some of the same concerns and maybe some of the responses I got will help you as well:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,192327.0.html


Please read through that thread a bit, and look at my posting history as it is very similar to you. The reason I am suggesting this is because a lot of the responses I got helped to make me feel better and I don't want you feeling down.



Just know the fact that I have a prostate and that I will never have a uterus hurts really, really bad and I truly sympathize and cry with you.

[JLT1]

Hi Kate,

I came up with almost the same list.  It's better now but far from perfect. 

The child thing hurts the most.  I would be a great mom.....

I keep muddling forward and looking at new things.  I'm making this a voyage of discovery, not only of myself but of the world.  The further I get, the more I learn and the more fun it gets. 

Keep what was good and toss the rest away.  Its a new life.....LIVE IT.

Hugs

Jen

[kittenpower]

try to focus on the positives, there's always negative things to bring you down if you focus on them.

[.Christy]

Yes i felt the same way this past wednesday. A few others and i were invited to speak to new incoming nursing students and my friend brought along her son since they had somewhere to go later. Seeing their mother-child bond and how close they were just made me feel depressed. It stung. The prospect of not being able to carry my own child with the one i love really hurts. But i try to look on the brightside, i know there are a lot of orphaned kids that need a loving home and my love wont change even if the child is adopted. 

[iKate]

Yes i felt the same way this past wednesday. A few others and i were invited to speak to new incoming nursing students and my friend brought along her son since they had somewhere to go later. Seeing their mother-child bond and how close they were just made me feel depressed. It stung. The prospect of not being able to carry my own child with the one i love really hurts. But i try to look on the brightside, i know there are a lot of orphaned kids that need a loving home and my love wont change even if the child is adopted. 

Well, it's not that I don't have a close bond with my kids. They hold on to me like I am their mom at times. It's the carrying of one that I can't do that hurts. And while the perception of others shouldn't matter, I can't help but feel that others are viewing me as lesser just because I can't get pregnant.

Believe me, I was in a fertility clinic many times over. The doctor who ran it told me that infertility patients had a mental state of cancer patients. They felt as if their life was over.

But you know what? After 5 cycles of IVF, I realized that full reproductive capabilities for MTFs will be possible someday. The major block I see is so-called "ethical" issues, or people who don't want to "play God." That is nonsense of course, they simply don't want to see us be our full authentic selves.

[iKate]

Thanks girls. I have some reading to do I guess. Petti, your thread was especially helpful.

Suzi, Stephanie, Suzi, kittenpower, Jen, Christy, thank you for listening.

[iKate]

While we're at it, here's something I absolutely don't like:

Why is it that EVERYONE cisgender who I tell that I transitioned compares me to Caitlyn Jenner? Yes we have some things in common, but many things we do not. I was never a competitive athlete, and I don't have her money. And most importantly, she did not "inspire" me to transition. In other words I'm not copycatting her. Yet I get the impression that some people think I am.

[ChiGirl]

Hugs.  I've been having the same feelings lately.  Just remember how far you've gotten and the positive side of that. 

Why is it that EVERYONE cisgender who I tell that I transitioned compares me to Caitlyn Jenner? Yes we have some things in common, but many things we do not. I was never a competitive athlete, and I don't have her money. And most importantly, she did not "inspire" me to transition. In other words I'm not copycatting her. Yet I get the impression that some people think I am.

Oh God, yes.  Ridiculous.  I know I'm going to get this from my extended family when I come out to them.  It could have been worse.  I almost went with the name Caitlin! [emoji14]

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

[kittenpower]

As an aside, I would like to say that trans women with money definitely have a different transition experience than most of us; I'm not saying that they do not have their share of problems, however, I do think that not having enough money to get the surgeries that are needed, is probably the worst problem of all. So, the Caitlyn Jenner comparison is kind of a moot point.

[Dena]

Before transitioning, I knew how messed up I was and that I would have to transition at some point in my life. As the result there never was anybody else in my life. After I transition I discovered I loved children but they weren't even warm to me. That tall woman with the low voice was something the feared. As the result, I have always wanted to be around children but only a few would even approach me. Now I am somewhat filling that need in me by working with the children who come to this website. Here a 63 year old can talk with a teen and both can gain from it. Yes I would like to be around younger children but I don't think that will be in the cards anytime soon.

It was one of the tradeoff I knew I would have to make in order to save myself. Noting is perfect in this world and our options are far from it but we just have to make the best of what is available.

[iKate]

As an aside, I would like to say that trans women with money definitely have a different transition experience than most of us; I'm not saying that they do not have their share of problems, however, I do think that not having enough money to get the surgeries that are needed, is probably the worst problem of all. So, the Caitlyn Jenner comparison is kind of a moot point.

I do get what you're saying though, but I am not really as concerned about the money as it was about equating me to her and people thinking that I am somehow following some kind of trend. This what bothers me. It reduces my transition to a fad in many people's eyes.

[Fids]

I'm a trans man, and my family also compared me to Caitlyn Jenner. :|  There is some scientific progress that's been going on as of late that could mean the steps in the right direction towards reproductive ability for trans people. Not only the uterine transplant, but I've read that scientists have been able to convert the bone marrow of afab people into sperm, and the bone marrow of amab people into egg cells. Although the risk for birth defects is higher, that means one step in the right direction towards trans women becoming biological mothers.

[Dena]

I do get what you're saying though, but I am not really as concerned about the money as it was about equating me to her and people thinking that I am somehow following some kind of trend. This what bothers me. It reduces my transition to a fad in many people's eyes.

The part people miss and has a personal touch to me is Caitlyn first attempted to transition about the same time I transitioned developing a C sized cup that was hidden from the public all this time. In the 30 years of self promotion and encouraging people to get out there and get it done. Caitlyn was hiding from the public a big personal failure in filling this need. For you, this isn't a fad and to me, you are far more real than Caitlyn because you made the personal decision about your self and you are getting the job done right the first time.

Ignore other peoples opinion because it is miss informed and it will fade from their memory in a short time. Enjoy the new world that is opening up to you and be yourself. You know the truth and other peoples opinion doesn't matter.

[Ms Grace]

Why is it that EVERYONE cisgender who I tell that I transitioned compares me to Caitlyn Jenner?

I figured this would be an issue - especially for people choosing to transition post-Jenner. The issue is that most people knew very little about trans women prior to Jenner, she has made trans issues extremely prominent, so it's the only thing a lot of cis people can relate to.

try to focus on the positives, there's always negative things to bring you down if you focus on them.

I can only reinforce this. Everything on your list (except the bit about men not touching me when they find I'm trans, swap that out for women instead) would be on my list of trans laments. But I just don't focus on it. There's a lot that is right in my life at the moment so I'm going to focus on that, especially the reproduction issue - even if I had been born a genetic female there is guarantee I would have been able to have a child (or even wanted to!).

[kittenpower]

The part people miss and has a personal touch to me is Caitlyn first attempted to transition about the same time I transitioned developing a C sized cup that was hidden from the public all this time. In the 30 years of self promotion and encouraging people to get out there and get it done. Caitlyn was hiding from the public a big personal failure in filling this need. For you, this isn't a fad and to me, you are far more real than Caitlyn because you made the personal decision about your self and you are getting the job done right the first time.

Ignore other peoples opinion because it is miss informed and it will fade from their memory in a short time. Enjoy the new world that is opening up to you and be yourself. You know the truth and other peoples opinion doesn't matter.

I don't really think it is fair to judge Caitlyn Jenner for not moving forward with her transition in the 80s, or to say that someone is more "real" than her. It was the 80s, she was a public figure, and a parent; you were unknown, able to transition privately, and single with no kids.

[Dena]

I don't really think it is fair to judge Caitlyn Jenner for not moving forward with her transition in the 80s, or to say that someone is more "real" than her. It was the 80s, she was a public figure, and a parent; you were unknown, able to transition privately, and single with no kids.

It's not the failure to transition. It's the part where Caitlyn was making money as an inspirational speaker while hiding her chest and her past. I was in the trenches earning my money honestly and giving value for every dollar I received.

[kittenpower]

It's not the failure to transition. It's the part where Caitlyn was making money as an inspirational speaker while hiding her chest and her past. I was in the trenches earning my money honestly and giving value for every dollar I received.

She won a Gold Medal at the 76 Olympics, so she knows first hand, the amount of determination, dedication, hard work, perseverance, and self sacrifice it takes to achieve greatness. So, with that in mind, I think that she was more than qualified to be an inspirational speaker. So I really do not understand how hiding her chest, or the fact that she is trans, makes her dishonest.  Most of us go through a period of hiding our true selves for various reasons, so she did what she needed to do.