this is so confusing and scary!

[samtheant]

Hi,
I'm massively confused and need some help.

Since I can remember I've never fitted in with girls. I was a tomboy as a child. As an adult, I've always felt like there was a special "womanhood" class at school that I must have been off sick for! I feel like I'm in drag if I wear dresses, and for most of my adult life I've dressed very gender neutral.

When I first found out about periods, i remember thinking "it's ok, it's not gonna happen to me", and I felt betrayed when it did. I was kind of expecting to grow up and become a man. I still feel a certain amount of shock every month, and I think my breasts look ridiculous.

When I was going through puberty (and attending an all girls school) I became incredibly isolated and depressed and developed an eating disorder, which I'm still battling at 35.

I realised I was attracted to girls so decided I must be a lesbian. And yet lesbian culture never appealed to me. I always preferred the company of the gay guys in the bars and clubs, although I'm not attracted to men.

I recently gave into an urge I've been having for years now and got my hair cut into a man's style. I looked in the mirror and it was like recognising myself for the first time. It was remarkable and scary and amazing at the same time!

I began wearing men's clothes and I LOVE the way I look and feel wearing them.

I find myself looking at men in the street and wishing I was them. People in shops sometimes call me "sir" and it feels amazing.

The problem is, I'm married to a bisexual woman, and I've tried talking to her about how I feel. She either doesn't understand or is deliberately denying what I'm saying. I've always been open about not feeling like a woman and she's ok with that. I've told her recently that I wish I'd been born a man and she said she could understand that as men have a better time in our society.

Part of me is relieved that she's not getting it - maybe it'll be ok if I carry on and just be a butch lesbian?  Maybe I can cope with that?
We have two young kids (one of whom has autistic traits) and I feel so guilty about putting them through anything. I don't want to lose her or them, so maybe I do need to keep my mouth shut?

But... I'm a man. Or at least I'm pretty sure I am. This is tearing me apart.
Help!

[Mariah]

Hi Sam, Welcome to Susan's. It's amazing how confusing this can be as we try to sort through everything. I felt the same way except in regards to the guy things and looks. For me it was the facial hair, body hair and some deepening to the voice that I felt betrayed by. Most of us that new early on felt that way in regards to those traits that remind of who were not because they don't correspond with our gender identity. A therapist could help you find away to talk to your wife about it. Your wife may truly not understand. You may need to educate her on this. I know I had a great deal of teaching when it came to my boyfriend because he truly didn't know much. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife is that way and it's not deliberate, but pure honest she doesn't understand. This is another spot where a therapist can be of great benefit. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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[Tessa James]

Welcome to Susan's Sam,

This is a great place to explore with people like yourself.  One of the moderators will be along soon to give you the terms of service welcome. Opps she is already on it!

Gender can be as complex as rocket science or as simple as how you feel it.  And then working that out with a partner and family can add a lot of drama and intensity.  I and my partner are bi/pan sexual and I consider it a plus in being able to experience and acknowledge loving each other and other people without regard to gender or body parts.

I share other parts of your narrative in considering, much earlier, that I must be gay.  The part that did not, and does not, fit that narrative is feeling myself as female regardless of who I was with.

It is good to hear that you are taking steps to explore your identity and make choices about your presentation.  All the best to you!

[gennee]

Hi and welcome to Susan's, Sam. Gender can be confusing at times. You are moving into the right direction. Educate yourself about gender topics so you can help your partner to understand. Good luck.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Your story isn't that uncommon around here and it strongly indicates transsexualism. The way this works however is we tell you what we think and it's up to you to decide if it's true. You will also have to decide what type of life is the most comfortable for you. Some FTMs are comfortable with little or no surgery but alter their life style. Others want to go all the way up to the limits of what surgery and hormones can offer them. Spend some time here learning about your options. People going both directions are friendly, helpful and welcome newcomers. The guys can offer you help with medical procedures and I can help you more with the mental side of things. If you have questions just ask and somebody will be around to answer them for you.

[V M]

Hi Sam 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Tessa James]

I am reminded by your statement, "I realised I was attracted to girls so decided I must be a lesbian" that I thought something similar and the psychologist way back then echoed that too.  It is understandable but reductionist theory and did not take in to account that for most of us, gender identity and sexual preference/orientation or two different subjects.
Until puberty i was also "... kind of expecting to grow up and become a.."  woman in my case.  Many here can relate to you seeing yourself in the mirror for the first time after some changes too. 

Yes, you can cope with almost anything but there is a seductive nature to being yourself and loving how you look and feel when being so free.  Seems you have a dilemma familiar to many here.  Good luck exploring the options Dude.

[inenidok]

it is a rough to deal with I know what you are saying even thou I know at a very young age something was not right I did not know what it was, but the only way I can explain it to some people its like when I was in the womb something happen like my brain and body disconnected for a split second and my body went male and mind went default female so when the reconnected I was a 180 off, like a computer does an automatic shut down and restarts in safe mode. that is the only way I can explain it. I am new here too and I think there is a bunch of caring and loving people here to help with the journey. 

[samtheant]

Thanks for your kind responses. It's good to hear from you all as I think the hardest part of this is the isolation - I have nobody IRL who I can talk to about this. Thank you all for listening. I feel massively trapped and trying to navigate out of this is so hard.
If I didn't have my family to consider, I'd be marching into the GP's surgery tomorrow asking for a referral to a gender identity clinic (I'm in the UK)
When I was 20 I had an FTM university lecturer and I remember thinking he was awesome and wishing I could do that. I convinced myself it was a bad idea (religious parents, fear of rejection etc) but I wish I'd gone for it. I don't want to be looking back in another 15 years and wishing I'd done something now, but nor do I want to lose my wife and kids, who I love more than anything.
This is all so hard!

[Arch]

I've known so many transsexuals who grappled with their situation for years before doing anything about it. I was one of them; I recognized what I was a full two decades before I was desperate enough to start my transition. I went through various phases before I finally crawled back INto the closet and stayed there for a good six or seven years. I had to get to rock bottom before I could really accept the truth and begin to take my first steps into transition. I just ran out of emotional energy and couldn't hide from myself anymore. I have to say that starting from rock bottom is a severe disadvantage.

We all have to go through our own arc, but I hope that you can avoid hitting that rock bottom moment that spurs so many transitions. I think that people are better off when they act from a position of relative strength and have the emotional wherewithal to meet the challenges of transition (if that is part of their path).

That path can be hard if you don't have any IRL support, but at least Susan's Place can help. We have tons of FTMs here, many of them in the UK. You can get a lot of good help and advice.

[katrinaw]

Big warm welcome to Susan's SamTheant

You are cetainly amongst like minded folk here, as Arch and others have said, some of us bury or control our emotions for whatever reasons and it can take many years to finally be pushed into transitioning, i was forty years thinking I was the only person in the world who struggled with my inner battles on who I really was... I knew at 4 yo...

i do look back over the years knowing what I know now, but not then... However I have a loving wife, kids and grandkids... Which I am proud of and proud at how i managed my complexities... But at the end, you find you have no choice...

Look forward to seeing you about the forum's, all I can say is be honest with yourself and others, unlike me, it may save more heartache in the longer term...

L Katy 

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I hope you partner is willing to learn more about what being trans is about.

When I came out to a friend and my sister they said they would rather be a guy because it is easier. It is a common thought from Cis gendered people that choosing your gender is possible.