This is hard for me to say, so if parts don't make sense I'm sorry.
I've "known" I was transgender (MtF) since I was 17 or 18. For several years I accepted this, but didn't really do anything to progress at all. Even without money I could have practiced the voice or studied up on how to do makeup or a million other things. But I didn't. After a few therapy sessions I stopped going, confirmed myself as trans and even tried to start HRT without a doctor.
I was stupid and lazy and @#$% everything up. Then I moved out of state and I repressed all of it for years. I convinced myself I could live as a male. I bought a house, got a job, bought cars to attract the ladies and even fell in love. For years I fooled myself and wasted my best opportunity to transition.
Everything has fallen apart for me. I'm stuck at a terrible job, I've lost or alienated those who care about me and I've made commitments that take me away from transitioning. I'm now 30 years old, going on 31 and at the lowest point in my life. Depression had taken over before and for that very reason I sold my gun, terrified in my better moments of what I might do. Tonight was worse than ever, I've never wanted to end things or hated myself like I did tonight. I was desperate enough to put a knife to my forearm and push it in.
I thank god for my friend. A man I've known through online game and chat for more than a decade, who first knew me as a woman and the later truth, as a transgendered male. Through tears and alcohol I asked for his help and rather than shun, insult or disapprove, he acknowledged me and what I'm feeling. He accepted that though he may not understand, my feelings and emotions are valid and I am a still a human being, even outside the norms of society.
His acceptance has made a world of difference, knowing that there's even one human being who knows me and cares for me. In a matter of hours I've gone from depression and suicide to feeling hope and determination. I can make this work. I CAN do this and even if the world despises me, there are the splendid few who understand that I have to do what's right for me.
I begin a new me tonight. I know what I have to do and how to do it. I am stronger than this society and I have allies. It will take time and hard work. I will complete this. This I swear.
