This is hard for me to say, so if parts don't make sense I'm sorry.

I've "known" I was transgender (MtF) since I was 17 or 18.  For several years I accepted this, but didn't really do anything to progress at all.  Even without money I could have practiced the voice or studied up on how to do makeup or a million other things.  But I didn't.  After a few therapy sessions I stopped going, confirmed myself as trans and even tried to start HRT without a doctor.

I was stupid and lazy and @#$% everything up.  Then I moved out of state and I repressed all of it for years.  I convinced myself I could live as a male.  I bought a house, got a job, bought cars to attract the ladies and even fell in love.  For years I fooled myself and wasted my best opportunity to transition.

Everything has fallen apart for me.  I'm stuck at a terrible job, I've lost or alienated those who care about me and I've made commitments that take me away from transitioning.  I'm now 30 years old, going on 31 and at the lowest point in my life.  Depression had taken over before and for that very reason I sold my gun, terrified in my better moments of what I might do.  Tonight was worse than ever, I've never wanted to end things or hated myself like I did tonight.  I was desperate enough to put a knife to my forearm and push it in.

I thank god for my friend.  A man I've known through online game and chat for more than a decade, who first knew me as a woman and the later truth, as a transgendered male.  Through tears and alcohol I asked for his help and rather than shun, insult or disapprove, he acknowledged me and what I'm feeling.  He accepted that though he may not understand, my feelings and emotions are valid and I am a still a human being, even outside the norms of society.

His acceptance has made a world of difference, knowing that there's even one human being who knows me and cares for me.  In a matter of hours I've gone from depression and suicide to feeling hope and determination.  I can make this work.  I CAN do this and even if the world despises me, there are the splendid few who understand that I have to do what's right for me.

I begin a new me tonight.  I know what I have to do and how to do it.  I am stronger than this society and I have allies.  It will take time and hard work.  I will complete this.  This I swear.

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am glad you came to a decision but all is not lost. I had my surgery at age 30 mostly because when I had it, medical care was far harder to come by. You are far from the oldest person in treatment and you have many years ahead of you to enjoy your new life. We are a great source of information and all you need to do is ask. Odds are shortly somebody will turn up with an answer.

I suppressed my feelings between age 13 and 23 because I knew care wasn't available and I had to get by without it. Others have suppressed their feelings for other reasons. It's not uncommon for us to delay treatment for one reason or another.

Take good care of yourself and if I can help you with anything, let me know.

Hi

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

One thing to keep in mind is that what you describe is a very common experience for many trans people. So many of us come to the realisation that something isn't right with the gender they are expected to present as, that their identity differs but do nothing about it for many years. In part it's because society is fairly well stacked against us in terms of support, being believed, treatment, acceptance. Myself, I actually tried to transition when I was 24... lasted two years on HRT before deciding I couldn't proceed... then spent the next twenty years pretending that it never happened until the depression finally got so bad I had to do somethings about it. By comparison you're doing pretty good! It's not uncommon for trans people to give themselves a hard time about "missed opportunity" but the truth is you are ready when you are ready and not a minute sooner.

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Cheers

Grace

A big warm welcome to Susan's ShackledPhoenix

You are amongst friends and folks with similar experiences.... I can relate to some of your story, especially the trying to be the male model... I went further, married and had kids and grandkids now... Yes I do lament on the lost years... However I also look back with pride on my kids and the fact that I managed for so many years to not let the urges, waves of needing to be the real me and "lostness" consume me, i guess knowing that my time will come... The variation is for 40 odd years of my life I thought I was the only one suffering!

I think for you, acknowledging and reclaiming yourself back from the precipice is certainly your signal to move forward, get back to a therapist and work out how to move forward.

Lovely to have you witg us and look forward to seeing you about the forums and your journey forward, whatever that might be.

L Katy 

Hi ShackledPhoenix 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

My warmest welcome to you!
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all that. But change is always possible. I should know, my renewed life has barely even begun, and I'm already feeling better.

Good luck with your new beginning. Everybody deserves another chance at life, right?

-Freya

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Welcome.  I think you'll find some great information and friends here.  Your story reminds me a little of me.  I knew at 18 I was ready to transition, but after some time setbacks, I repressed everything for 20 years.  Now, here I am at 40 making another go at it.    You've got 10 years on me, so it's never too late!  Good luck and hugs. Remember you are not alone.

ShackledPhoenix,

I want to thank you for sharing your story. It is funny the more I think I am alone in my own journey, I found a story like yours. And by being extremely brave and sharing it, you have made me realize that we (us trans folk) are way more connected than I thought. So thank you!

And you are right, if you have friends and allies, you can do amazing things! I believe in you!

- Sarah Marie

Thanks for all of the good will. 

I feel good in the light of morning.  I let out a lot of emotions last night and just saying them has helped.  I'm working on drawing up a plan and feel like I CAN move forward from here. 

My only regret.... this username.  It's so terribly cheesy.  I went by it for a time as a teenager and no way was I thinking up something better last night >.<

Thanks everyone.

Don't worry to much about your user name. Once you hit 15 quality post, your world will unlock and you can alter your profile. One possible alteration would be the female name you would like to be called by. When a name is posted, you will be called by that name instead of your user name.

In that case I won't even bother using it. Hi and welcome to Susan's. As Grace mentioned that is so common for many of us including myself.  We don't doing anything about and tried to make it work the one way only discover it just working. It's amazing how friends can inspire us to do what we need to do and are excepting of something that we haven't possibly tried to communicate to any other friend before. I had communicated to family, but not friends in my case, but regardless it's those friends that get us to move forward and help pull us out of the depression we were in. Your not alone now and your among friends. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

By the way we can change that screen name when your ready. Just let us know and we can get that done for you. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: ShackledPhoenix on August 01, 2015, 04:05:14 PM
Thanks for all of the good will. 

I feel good in the light of morning.  I let out a lot of emotions last night and just saying them has helped.  I'm working on drawing up a plan and feel like I CAN move forward from here. 

My only regret.... this username.  It's so terribly cheesy.  I went by it for a time as a teenager and no way was I thinking up something better last night >.<

Thanks everyone.