What an interesting collection of responses.
As I thought this through, I began to feel like maybe I wasn't clear in what I was trying to describe -- especially where "alone" and "distraction" are concerned. Then I realized that maybe my lack of clarity was because I wasn't sure myself what I meant. So let me try to amplify a bit.
I mentioned distraction, but I experience the effects of it in two different contexts.
First, as I try to go about my normal (male) life, I find myself distracted by things around me (such as women) that remind me of how I would rather move about the world. To me, this represents a trigger (sudden increase) in my experience of dysphoria. I go from not thinking about it, to thinking about it in a heartbeat. I lose focus on what I'm doing, and enter a sort of automaton/zombie mode. After a conversation with a beautiful woman, for example, I have trouble remembering what I said, or knowing if I reacted appropriately at all. In a way, it's just like it was when I was 13 and a pretty girl sat next to me in class...
That is one type of distraction that I experience.
Second, one of the best remedies/preventatives for such a situation is a different type of distraction: a task. I find that I can be distracted out of my increased dysphoria by simply being busy. When I am in a work group with a well-dressed woman, I can focus on the task at hand and keep my dysphoria triggers at bay. I become functional when I am distracted from the distraction.
It's a back and forth all the time. But basically, if I'm really busy, it takes a lot more to trigger thoughts of dysphoria. Having a task can push such thoughts away.
In short, dysphoria distracts me regularly, but keeping busy can distract me away from dysphoria-triggering distractions.
But the one thing that ALWAYS triggers my dysphoria is when everybody else in the house goes to sleep at night, or leaves for the day (I generally work from home), and I am left alone. When I find myself alone, my thoughts almost immediately turn to dysphoria and transition and replays of all the times I was triggered recently.
So, in this context, "alone" means to me literally being by myself, with no one else around to observe me.
For the record, I'm in a relationship, and have kids, and don't feel loneliness on a regular basis at all anymore. It's not about loneliness. It's simply about the fact that, as soon as I have nothing else to think about, as soon as I have nothing to distract me from such thoughts, as soon as there are no human interactions to manage or tasks to perform, I begin to think about -- and deeply experience -- my dysphoria. It's my default place to go when I have no other thinking or doing.
I have long used this to my advantage: Stay busy during the day and have a good book or magazine to read or TV show to binge-watch and dysphoria stays submerged.
But that's just a cover-up, right? At least that's what I think is going on. When I put everything else away, dysphoria is there waiting. And sometimes I feel like I'm safe as long as it stays there, hidden, coming out only at night or when I'm alone. I can manage it more easily that way.
Do others experience anything like this?
Lora
