I want to see if others experience something that I've discovered about myself: My dysphoria is often much worse when I am alone.

It never disappears completely, of course. I can be triggered in many different ways when I'm going about my daily life. Dysphoria, for me, is largely about distraction. There are times when I just cannot function normally because I am so keyed in to things around me which are reminders of how I would rather be in the world.

But when I'm around other people, actually engaging with people in conversation or activity, my "guy mode" sort of takes over automatically and I don't get triggered. Sometimes, then, I come away feeling like that "other woman" is just a figure of my imagination which appears and takes over when I am by myself.

Am I Jekyll and Hyde? Am I Cinderella (who only transforms after everyone else has gone to the ball)? Or maybe it's a corollary on the old question: If a transwoman lives in the woods and there's no one there to see her, is she really trans?

Lora

I've been trans all my life whether I'm in the desert or in the forest with only the squirrels . Companionship only dulled the loneliness of the hidden secret.

I have to say, this time, I found it to be the other way around, being by myself was awesome... not so much when mixing it socially. During my first tilt at transition some twenty years ago though it was a different story. Hard to know which was worse, alone vs company because there were different issues at play. This time I was, I dunno, able to distract myself better? Maybe? Misery loves company so if you aren't in a good mood and by yourself it can somehow balloon to an extent it wouldn't normally.

For me, things are worse when I'm alone. Especially when I see one of my friends with his girlfriend. I get jealous.

For sure it's worse when alone. The distraction thing also applies to me , have spent most of my life working like a crazy person. It helped to keep all the internal noise at bay. Unfortunately distraction is not working so well anymore, hence my starting therapy earlier this year to try and work on all this.

Quote from: translora on July 31, 2015, 12:40:57 AM
Or maybe it's a corollary on the old question: If a transwoman lives in the woods and there's no one there to see her, is she really trans?

I like this and I find it really quite profound.

Usually I'm pretty good even when alone since I keep myself busy and try not to dwell on anything. But when I'm really really tired and alone my thoughts get the best of me. I had a really bad dysphoria even this Tuesday but working fifty hours probably had something to do with it. What helps me right now is just telling myself to go to sleep and see if I feel better in the morning, working so far.

If I'm out at a customer, guy mode doesn't bother me. Too busy to think about it. As soon as I'm alone in the car to go home though, I can't wait to get home and change into girl mode. I think it is most likely that distraction mostly works most of the time.

What an interesting collection of responses.

As I thought this through, I began to feel like maybe I wasn't clear in what I was trying to describe -- especially where "alone" and "distraction" are concerned. Then I realized that maybe my lack of clarity was because I wasn't sure myself what I meant. So let me try to amplify a bit.

I mentioned distraction, but I experience the effects of it in two different contexts.

First, as I try to go about my normal (male) life, I find myself distracted by things around me (such as women) that remind me of how I would rather move about the world. To me, this represents a trigger (sudden increase) in my experience of dysphoria. I go from not thinking about it, to thinking about it in a heartbeat. I lose focus on what I'm doing, and enter a sort of automaton/zombie mode. After a conversation with a beautiful woman, for example, I have trouble remembering what I said, or knowing if I reacted appropriately at all. In a way, it's just like it was when I was 13 and a pretty girl sat next to me in class...

That is one type of distraction that I experience.

Second, one of the best remedies/preventatives for such a situation is a different type of distraction: a task. I find that I can be distracted out of my increased dysphoria by simply being busy. When I am in a work group with a well-dressed woman, I can focus on the task at hand and keep my dysphoria triggers at bay. I become functional when I am distracted from the distraction.

It's a back and forth all the time. But basically, if I'm really busy, it takes a lot more to trigger thoughts of dysphoria. Having a task can push such thoughts away.

In short, dysphoria distracts me regularly, but keeping busy can distract me away from dysphoria-triggering distractions.

But the one thing that ALWAYS triggers my dysphoria is when everybody else in the house goes to sleep at night, or leaves for the day (I generally work from home), and I am left alone. When I find myself alone, my thoughts almost immediately turn to dysphoria and transition and replays of all the times I was triggered recently.

So, in this context, "alone" means to me literally being by myself, with no one else around to observe me.

For the record, I'm in a relationship, and have kids, and don't feel loneliness on a regular basis at all anymore. It's not about loneliness. It's simply about the fact that, as soon as I have nothing else to think about, as soon as I have nothing to distract me from such thoughts, as soon as there are no human interactions to manage or tasks to perform, I begin to think about -- and deeply experience -- my dysphoria. It's my default place to go when I have no other thinking or doing.

I have long used this to my advantage: Stay busy during the day and have a good book or magazine to read or TV show to binge-watch and dysphoria stays submerged.

But that's just a cover-up, right? At least that's what I think is going on. When I put everything else away, dysphoria is there waiting. And sometimes I feel like I'm safe as long as it stays there, hidden, coming out only at night or when I'm alone. I can manage it more easily that way.

Do others experience anything like this?

Lora

Quote from: translora on August 01, 2015, 12:48:54 AM
But that's just a cover-up, right? At least that's what I think is going on. When I put everything else away, dysphoria is there waiting. And sometimes I feel like I'm safe as long as it stays there, hidden, coming out only at night or when I'm alone. I can manage it more easily that way.

Do others experience anything like this?

Lora

I definitely am more likely to pine for femininity when I'm alone. Socially I'm very feminine so in social situations it's not hard to prove to myself that I'm a woman. But when the wig comes off and my large forehead and receding hairline is in full view, I have a real hard time seeing "her" in the mirror. And when I'm relaxing at home, somehow my old male persona comes out. It's hard to see myself as female absent the social validation.

I find the distractions don't help. My gender messages are always there, challenging me to be feminine. I did 12-step work a number of years ago to recover from my eating disorder. The number one principle is that I must be honest with myself, so I don't have the luxury of pretending my gender issues don't exist.

Definitely

With enough Diversions, Distractions and some Denial it is a lot easier to stuff your feelings. It was being absolutely alone, relocated away from my wife, relocated to culture shock central from just outside New York City to rural West Virginia, A new job that offered absolutely zero diversions, used about 5% of my abilities, that gave me wayyyyy too much free time to be alone with my thoughts. Those thoughts that always screamed you need to do something, for real, about being trans or your life, like in Groundhog Day, will just keep on repeating disaster after disaster