Wife of mtF Woman here to ask questions.

[StupidFox]

Hi. I'm the wife of a mtF woman and I came here to ask questions and stuff as we move forward with her transition.
I'm super gender-identity-aware and friendly and all that. I actually thought I was ftm when I was a teen and ended up going partially through transition before realizing I was just a good bit genderqueer.

I identify as female now though, and my wife is my wife is my wife. I don't care. I just want her to be happy. I'm pretty far to the lesbian side of pansexual anyway. And we've been together for 15 years. (Just held a wedding this July after the SCOTUS ruling!)

My wife has been living full-time female for about 6 years, has changed her name legally, but hasn't started HRT. We just found her a therapist in our area (finally, we live in the South) and we're going for an appointment later this month!

She has medicare/medicaid (disabled, severe anxiety/paranoia) so we are now going to do all we can for her on that insurance.
I have read a lot of things about what that covers and I have lots of questions about the mixed answers out there.

She wants to start HRT as soon as possible, and she is interested in SRS. I just wish we had started this as soon as medicare/medicaid started coverage but I was in a bad place at the time and had too much stress to really figure out what we needed to do so I let that languish. I feel bad now and I want to help her achieve everything she wants as soon as possible.

It's sad because I "was trans" for a while (it's what I thought at the time, even if I later realized it wasn't what I needed) and I know what it feels like to have a disconnect between your body and your identity, but I really had no idea how much stress this was causing her until a recent conversation where we really dug into the issue and she finally admitted to me how much she wants the transition and how much "outings" and things like using the restroom cause her stress. I didn't know because we had fallen into a routine of things and I did everything I could to make it easier for her, but we didn't talk about it a lot. I didn't push her to talk about it and she didn't offer. Now that I know these issues are so big for her, *so big*, I'm going to make sure we keep talking about it.

Anyway, I'm here to do all I can to learn as we go and help her cope with her issues. I have questions about everything. Even my two years or so ago research is really outdated at this point. Man it's amazing how far we've come with technologies and medical procedures in the past ten years!

Thanks for letting me be here.
Foxy

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Feel free to post your questions here or in an area covering the topic you wish to discuss. If you post to a thread, anybody else who as posted to the same thread will be notified of the activity and will return to the thread to view your questions so staying on a single threat will get you faster responses. I am willing to answer any questions I can but if you are interested in current information, others may need to provide it as I am about 30 years out of date on some stuff. Others will be along shortly to welcome you so when ever you are ready, let us know how we can help you.

I am glad that both of you will be able to stay together. Most of the time it's 50/50 as to if a couple will break up. Staying together is really best for both of you.

As for you being tans, I suspect you may still be but you aren't on the extreme end like I was where surgery was the only solution for me. There are may other here who find a happy spot between CIS and Transexual and I think you might be one of them. Enjoy your time here.

[StupidFox]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Feel free to post your questions here or in an area covering the topic you wish to discuss. If you post to a thread, anybody else who as posted to the same thread will be notified of the activity and will return to the thread to view your questions so staying on a single threat will get you faster responses. I am willing to answer any questions I can but if you are interested in current information, others may need to provide it as I am about 30 years out of date on some stuff. Others will be along shortly to welcome you so when ever you are ready, let us know how we can help you.

I am glad that both of you will be able to stay together. Most of the time it's 50/50 as to if a couple will break up. Staying together is really best for both of you.

As for you being tans, I suspect you may still be but you aren't on the extreme end like I was where surgery was the only solution for me. There are may other here who find a happy spot between CIS and Transexual and I think you might be one of them. Enjoy your time here.

Thanks.

Well, I've known about her feelings for a long time. The only new thing is how we're now suddenly actually moving forward with HRT and such. :3
If we broke up it wouldn't be over this haha. But we're a very close couple, very open. Have been in love a long damn time. Not giving up that easily!

And no, I'm not trans. I never was. I was genderqueer and confused. I thought I was trans because I didn't want to be super girly and or for people to identify me with being a girl more than being "me".

I now feel I am between cis and genderqueer. Which is to say, I'm still genderqueer to some degree, but comfortable in my own skin finally. I actually came to embrace my femininity once I got over some other deep-seated issues. I'm the exception, rather than the rule! But I am definitely not quit CIS even though I'm AFAB and identifying female now. I still feel that my gender is too much of a spectrum. But I'm not trans. I'm not a man and I don't feel any need to become one anymore. My happyplace is somewhere between female and neutral.
When I was young, I think I mistook wanting "not female" for "wanting male". The therapist I saw was untrained and didn't know how to actually handle transgender issues, so she just nodded and gave me letters and let me go forward without ever even asking questions. It wasn't really what I needed. My peace came when I settled some other issues that were at the root of my body issues. I don't think I had "gender dysphoria" as much as I had "body dysphoria" in general. Now I've settled both of those things, but I still know that dysphoria is a major issue and I know to a degree what it is like.

I'm here for my wifey and I'll be here for her for the long haul. I want her to be happy and be herself. :3
So hopefully I can get answers and we'll figure this all out together. :3

Thanks!

[Devlyn]

Hi Foxy, welcome to Susan's Place! I wish the best for both of you.   

Here's a link to a Medicare thread that might be helpful: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,138199.msg1694257.html#msg1694257

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[stephaniec]

welcome, never been married myself ,but I'm trans so I know about the trans part.

[frances_larina]

And no, I'm not trans. I never was. I was genderqueer and confused. [...] When I was young, I think I mistook wanting "not female" for "wanting male". The therapist I saw was untrained and didn't know how to actually handle transgender issues, so she just nodded and gave me letters and let me go forward without ever even asking questions. It wasn't really what I needed. My peace came when I settled some other issues that were at the root of my body issues. I don't think I had "gender dysphoria" as much as I had "body dysphoria" in general. Now I've settled both of those things, but I still know that dysphoria is a major issue and I know to a degree what it is like.

Hi Foxy,

I'm a transsexual parent (we go with, "Mom-da") of a transgender/transsexual child.  I realize that you are here for your wife, and very much appreciate your love for her.  This is a good place for that info.  But I feel like *your* story is so incredibly important, too.   As knowledge of trans* existence and issues have become more mainstream, I've noticed that almost half of the local therapists are now listing "gender issues" and "transgender" in their list of areas of expertise.  I've met a number of them; not one is at all qualified nor knowledgeable.  One revealed that they, "went to a workshop" and another "took a course" in trans* issues.  As a result, we're seeing many kids who are gender nonconforming but not transsexual getting treated as if all non-conforming kids are transgender/transsexual.  In my opinion, this could have long term detrimental effects on the both the transgender/transsexual and genderqueer communities.  It's like the therapists were trained by Ken Zucker and never were taught the difference between a child saying, "I want to live like a boy" (meaning clothes & social role not as a girl) and, "I AM A BOY".  Anyway, I really wish that others like yourself could tell their stories more broadly, in a way that ensures there is room for everyone as you did.

The Medicare question is further complicated by whether or not your state has set up an exchange.  Here in California, all policies must conform and must not exclude trans health care needs.   And, as others have noted finding a surgeon who accepts Medicare is problematic.  I've known people here who have gone off Medicare and gone onto Kaiser b/c they have arrangements pre-negotiated with a couple of surgeons in the state.  There is still a fair bit of paperwork but at least they have pretty good liaisons to do most of it and advise / walk you through the rest.  Other states won't even set up an exchange and have intentionally restricted Medicare & the ACA.

[StupidFox]

Hi Frances, Thank you for understanding! Oh gosh it's so nice to hear from someone who *gets* what I'm talking about.
I think it's hard to talk about my issue because a lot of the time, if I say "I thought I was trans, but I was wrong." People seem to take premise and think I'm saying "Transgender isn't real" when I'm not. I'm just saying *I* was wrong.  But yes, there is a huge difference between "I am a boy" and "I'm not a girl" even. I was really just "not a girl" then. I'm actually embracing being a girl now, but I wasn't at the time and that's a totally different issue. I think we can totally change those things as we grow. I'm a girl now and I embrace being a girl. I'm still not 100% cis, but I'm closer than I ever have been. I don't feel I'm more "right" now than I was then either. Just different. Another step in the journey.

Ooooh see this is why I'm here. I had no idea that it was so complicated. I just heard it could be done now. We'll make it work one way or another! I want my wifey happy and whole.
We are in Alabama... I know Alabama has resisted Obamacare as hard as it can (*rage*) so no telling. BUT we plan on moving to Portland, OR in the next year or so.
So I'm kinda just learning the general gist of everything right now and trying to learn the steps in both Alabama and Oregon. I know we need SRS finished before she can get her birth cert changed in Alabama for example. (freaking dinosaurs...)

I also don't know much about individual surgeons yet, but I want to make sure she goes to someone good. She has *severe* anxiety so I want to know the person taking care of her is highly competent. Of course, I want her to receive the best of care that we can manage.

I'd prefer to avoid the "flying to Thailand" thing because that would add whole new levels of stress for her and she has a hard enough time with walking into Walmart. Anxiety is not easy to deal with on top of being trans.

Thank you all for the welcome wagon! I'll check out that thread too!

[Dee Marshall]

Welcome! Ugh, I hate to have to call you "StupidFox". You don't seem stupid at all! Your wife is really lucky to have you.

(I always look at these threads hoping my Sweetie is finally posting here. Not yet.)

There's lots of support and education here and the best guys, gals, and others it's ever been my luck to meet. When you've been here long enough to PM feel free to contact anyone of us if you have questions you want to keep more private, but really the best way is to just post. We're well policed here but it's almost never necessary.

[StupidFox]

Thanks Dee!

You can call me Foxy if you prefer. I just chose StupidFox because I adore that comic. He's so cute. :3



And thank you. ^^

[katrinaw]

A big warm welcome to Susan's Foxy

A bit of house keeping to help you around the site

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service and rules to live by	Standard Terms and Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, and signature images policy

Firstly it makes me happy that you and your partner are taking this journey together... I also commend you for joining and sharing your feelings too.

You are certainly at the right place for support and guidance for you both.

Look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

[GendrKweer]

Welcome, Foxy! You sound like a wonderful partner for a transperson to have (or any person I suppose). Actually, you sound much like my wife, so maybe that's it. Communication is always the key, and you seem to know that, so you're ahead of the game. Keep talking, keep loving, keep on having fun. We're all here if you wanna bend our ears about whatever. xx

[Sharon Anne McC]

*
When she is ready, she can apply to Social Security for her change in sex identification marker.

SSA makes that easy - per RM 10212.200:  She can get her doctor's statement that she is in medical care and receiving treatment.

I posted that SSA regulation on a page (https://slimandme.wordpress.com/2015/07/31/another-sex-change-at-social-security/) at my web-site.

Courts at friendly states should also help with name changes and legally changing sex on paper - leading to birth certificate changes, passports, and other legal documents requiring sex identifiers.

One step at a time and you can do it.

And now that marriage equality is the law, you can remain legally married with all the benefits.  There was a time when married partners were required to divorce - sometimes as early as when the partner began transition other times when the partner went for GCS / SRS.  That requirement especially hurt married couples who wanted to stay married.

*

[Mariah]

Hi Foxy, welcome to Susan's. Thank you so much for coming on her to learn more to help support your wife. It's true that things have come along way in recent years. Her insurance should cover most things, but the bigger issue will be getting certain people to accept the insurances due to rates they are reimbursed by the government. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck to both you and your wife. Hugs
Mariah

[V M]

Hi Foxy 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M