Not Sure It's Ever Getting Put Back in the Box

[KatelynBG]

So I think I reached self realization early last week. It's like a switch went off in my head. I'm def getting "the feels." Lots of crying in secret. I've allowed myself just the slightest bit of feminine gestures and it all feels amazing. I promised my wife not to do the cross dressing thing again and have managed to keep true to that for now, I know she's gone when I come out, she's driven to be as "normal" as possible in life. I've accepted this and am mourning the loss of this life I've managed to build. I just don't see going back into denial ever again. I did a charity thing in one of the most premier tourist towns on the eastern seaboard and the dysphoria was almost crippling. Seeing all those women my age doing normal woman things, shopping, jogging, biking, being playful with their families was awful, but I allowed myself to feel it rather than reacting to my testosterone. I don't want to go back but now is not the right time to start this.

[Rejennyrated]

There never is a right time with something like this.

If you wait for the "right" time you will never do it, and you will grow old as you are.

My advice is to stop torturing yourself and make a choice. Will you choose well? Who knows, but unfortunately for those of us who were born this way it is an inevitable choice. There is really only one option, and the choice therefore is only whether you will move forward, or again put things off for another day.

You cannot steer a stationary vehicle so the only way to find out where a road leads is to set off down it. As you correctly guess that often comes with a price, so as the sign on the mud road in the affrican bush says - "choose your rut carefully because you will probably be in it for some time."

Of course all that is easier for me to write from the perspective of 31 years post everything... but I do wish you good luck.

[KatelynBG]

I think you're right. Tonight my wife really got on me about my therapist appointment and I couldn't take it anymore and told her about my gender dysphoria. She freaked out and kept saying she just wanted a normal life. We talked in circles and I didn't really get deeper than telling her I have a need to feel feminine sometimes. She hasn't left me but if I push it, she's gone. I really wasn't planning on this conversation happening yet. She broke my heart when she asked if I was going to humiliate her or if our marriage was a sham.

[Dena]

There is always a cost to transitioning. I knew it was going to happen so I made no attempts at forming an emotional tie with somebody else, but there was one I couldn't avoid and that was my family. When I came out I was well aware that I might have spent my last night in that house. I was luck in that while my parents weren't really supportive at first, I continued to have a roof over my head and I made my first attempt at therapy. You and your wife have a hard decision a head. I don't think you will be able to put it back in the box and have any form of happiness in your life. That isn't really an options for most of us. As for your wife, I don't know if she can be made to see this and if not you have a really bad choice between the lesser of two options. One option is to stay with your wife and be miserable. The other option is to split and be miserable and happy at the same time. I would love it if I could offer you that third option of transitioning and remaining with your wife, but only she can offer that. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can get her in therapy where she might alter her viewpoint.

[Ms Grace]

The realisation that one is transgender is a bit akin to opening to Pandora's Box, certainly nothing is ever the same afterwards. But to butcher the metaphor a bit further remember that hope was the one thing left in the box, as long as you have that (and not an unrealistic expectation) then you can accomplish a lot with that self awareness.

[Laura_7]

here are some resources that might help you:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077
Some people say they will be like their male/female twin, with the same sense of humour...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885


You might look for counseling:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,162888.5.html


hugs

[KatelynBG]

(Trigger? Not sure how that works yet) Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. The more I think about our conversation last night, the more upset I am getting. She didn't show an ounce of compassion or caring. It was all about her. At one point she said she's worried and I replied, "Well I'm not going to commit suicide." And she said, "No that's not it, I just don't want to be humiliated."  Like to hell with me and my anguish and pain. Then she tried to disuade me from going to the therapist and implored me to move on. The more I think about this the more I think that I don't want to be in this marriage anymore, my GO issues having nothing to do with it.

[traci_k]

Big hug Kate - and take a deep breath. I know what you are going through. Ever since I told my wife, life has not been the same, only worse. The lid probably cannot be put back on the proverbial box because if you tell her now it was all a mistake, you're not transgender, she'll have to live in denial you ever said it, and it will forever tug at her mind.

The questions you have to ask yourself are "What if you don't transition?" How old are you? Is transition reasonable? Are you ready to lose your wife? Any kids? If you don't transition, can you live with the ever-gnawing regret and thoughts of what could have been? Do you want to be 60 like me and living everyday in pain and anguish, though some days are not as bad as others.

I don't want to push you one way or the other. Ending a marriage and life together is the hardest thing you'll have to do. What will your family say? Only you can ultimately decide if the costs are worth it. You will have accusations thrown at you about how selfish you are. Yes, self-preservation is about selfishness. You have have to live with the consequences, good or bad.

You've got a lot to explore with your therapist and I hope your wife will let you go back.

Big Hugs

Traci

[Dena]

The one thing you must do at this point is continue to see your therapist. You need to explore this and while we are good on the web site, there is no substitute for therapy. At this point her advice of moving on is based on ignorance about the issues you face. Should you stop therapy and attempt to make the marriage work you will continue to become more uncomfortable with yourself and I think the marriage will end because of that. As I see it you will have to put your foot down and say therapy stays. No judge in a divorce trial will find fault with you for seeking therapy.

[KatelynBG]

I am going to the therapist still. I didn't budge on that.

[KatelynBG]

Just left my first therapy appointment. She is an absolute pro, I am in very good hands with her.

[Laura_7]

Congratulations 


hugs

[Dena]

Glad you found somebody you can work with. If you think it would be worth it, you might start dropping hints that the wife should see her. I know only about half these relationships work but I keep hoping for 100%.

[Mariah]

Congrats, I'm glad you found someone you can work with. Hugs
Mariah

[traci_k]

Glad to hear the session went well.

Best wishes with your wife.

[KatelynBG]

Thank you everyone. It was very cathartic to just unload everything. Not sure what will happen with my wife but I appreciate the well wishes.

[KatelynBG]

So since my appointment with the therapist Wednesday, my wife hadn't mentioned it at all until last night. She had asked me not to talk about my gender issues with the therapist which is absurd of course and I refused that line of thinking. So last night she said "So you didn't really talk about your appointment yesterday," and I replied "It was good, she's really nice." And kind of left it hanging there. Then we went out to dinner last night and I started talking about my therapist and how I thought she would help me a lot and she asked what we talked about. I replied that it was pretty private and I didn't want to go into it. What happened next surprised me. She asked "Will I have to go to an appointment with you at some point?" And I asked if she'd be willing to do that and she said yes.

I think she knows what we're talking about in therapy and given her previous attitude, it shocked me that she'd be willing to go in with me at some point. I'm cautiously optimistic here and not trying to get my hopes up.

[Dena]

She probably has gotten over her initial emotional response and understands she isn't going to browbeat you into a decision. Now she is ready to look at what you are doing. This doesn't mean the battle is over but she is willing to face it in your therapist office. It is a start and I hope it works out.

[KatelynBG]

I went running this morning and went for a long one, 7 miles, which is 2 miles more than I usually go. I had a lot on my mind and running usually helps me. I actually chose a new route to run and I turned a corner and all of a sudden te sun was at my back and I could clearly see my masculine shadow. The dysphoria hit me like a freight train and I had to stop and just sob pathetically on the side of the road for a few minutes. It was a quiet road and no one seemed to notice the rather large, ugly man blubbering like an idiot at the roadside. I turned around to run back so my shadow would be behind me while I ran.

When I got back and took a shower I got out to shave and my wife was getting in the shower I asked her if I could shave before she got in and she flipped out, saying it's the weekend and I don't need to shave. This got me pretty upset as well.

Later on I was taking my daughter out for breakfast and we had to bring back some library books (including Jenny Boylan's She's Not There, which I read last night cover to cover in secret) and she started talking about how she thinks there's an upside down table in her brain. We bantered back and forth for a bit and I said "Do you want to know a secret? Sometimes there's a girl in my brain. She kind of stopped and asked why and I replied back, "I don't know really but she's always been there, she's like my guardian angel and somehow makes me feel better when I'm sad." She said "I'm glad she makes you feel better daddy, hey look there's chocolate all over my face!" And we laughed and laughed and she was back to her Normal self and I smiled the biggest smile in weeks.

[Laura_7]

Well when being outside for long sometimes the energy drops... just be aware... it recedes after some time and you come back to normal...


Glad you had a good laugh