How to accept myself?

[boredrooster]

Hi all, I need a place to vent.

I am a 19 year old college student born in new York City that moved to SoCal. I have no friends except for some Canadian friends online. I am currently not transitioning. I won't be able to transition until I am 24... :/

I don't know how to begin and this will sound offense many times over within this venting thread.

I recently took the first step of accepting myself as Trans by making a tumblr that identifies myself as a non transitioning mtf Transgender. I feel this is a big step because I can express myself in some form.

However I still hate myself for a lot of reasons. I am probably going to sound like a lunatic so prepare yourself. I hate myself for being black. Yeah. I don't want to be another race because then I wouldn't be me but I really hate being seen as a second class human being. It is maddening knowing that to other races that I am undesirable, and that we are looked down upon, at least here in the United states. Being Trans just makes it worse. Unfortunately I tried getting help for my ignorance problem through my friends. And they told me they don't blame me.

Yes you read that correctly they told me I shouldn't feel bad about hating myself for being black. They further supported these statements by saying that black women are just not as good looking as other races and that it is a bother to be around black people most of the time. They also asserted that black Trans people just look manly because black features just look manly. Holy crap.

So now I realize there is no hope for me. This is the reality. This is how people will see me when I transition. It is maddening. I don't want to play a race card but being black and Trans must mean you are the bottom of the barrel in society.

I look at friends pictures (white cis females) with smiles and selfies on fb. I just get mad to the point where I don't even want to go on Facebook anymore. I stare at those profile pictures and I wonder what makes my life worth living at this point.

I know I will never like being black or trans, but I hate living life as the wrong gender. Even though being forced to live as a male right now sucks. I know it within myself because I hate being in second place. I hate being inferior I HATE IT. I have dealt with it my entire life within the confines of my family. I can't stand it anymore. I think there is really nothing worth living for anymore.

[Dena]

I live in Southern California for many years and it is a pretty fair minded place. I would suggest you get in contact with the local gay and transgender community as I know it's pretty strong in the area. There was a group called Dignity that while a gay group was very accepting of my roommate and me. I am sure there are other groups that are more transexual related.

As for appearance, that is a battle every one of us goes through. It took a long time before I could accept my face as female and that happened the day I looked at the bathroom mirror and saw my mother staring back at me. A combination of hormones, hair and a nose job gave me the appearance I have. As for you face, we won't know until we really start working with your look. If you join a local group, they may also be able to help you as well.

You need to accept yourself first and understand that much is possible. Many of us transition early on with almost nothing to work with. In the very early 1980's we figured there were around 60,000 of us. There are far more of us now and as the result our options are greater. I think there is much hope for you but you will need to find what is possible.

[suzifrommd]

I know I will never like being black or trans...

No dear, you don't know that.

You can't predict what the future will be. None of us at 19 had any idea what we would be like in 5, 10, 20, or 50 years.

Please don't try to predict the future. Just do what you need to do to be true to yourself.

You are a beautiful, valuable person, capable of bringing great joy to the world. Please, please, please don't lose touch with your personal power.