Heyyyy~

[Cyanide]

Hi, so I'm new to this site, but I'm pretty sure that's obvious otherwise I wouldn't be posting here. I'm not really sure what to say. I'm 20, nearly 21, have questions about my gender identity that I was hoping maybe people here could help me answer (but I'll leave that for another topic), I own a cute cat whom I adore, I'm an artist as well as a writer, aand... Gosh, I have no idea what else to write. Mostly, I want to learn more about other people's experiences and maybe figure out what my gender means to me along the way.

Anyhow, nice to meet everyone, I guess. I hope I can get along with everybody! c:

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am pretty sure you will get along with most everybody here. We are all brothers and sisters in a common cause and I think you will fit right in. We are happy to help you how ever we can so feel free to post questions on this thread. The way this works is anyone who has posted to this thread will be notified of updates and will check the new post to see if they can help For starters, if you have questions about you identity, you might start with youtube and request "The transition channel" this is a well done series that will give you the basics and may help you form your questions better. Let me know if I can provide any additional help.

[Cyanide]

Thanks for the welcome, as well as referring me to that youtube channel!

I'm not gonna lie, I was a little scared watching the videos, but they were really enlightening and I appreciate them. I watched the "Are you transgender ftm" videos and was really surprised with how much I related to everything in them, but also how much that unsettled me. The first video that addressed gender dysphoria especially since I used to feel a lot of the things she talked about but I used to suppress it to the point where I tried to force myself to accept my body and that I was female and to just get over the fact that I wasn't male. I thought I was over it, honestly, but I feel like my emotional and psychological state has really deteriorated in the past few years since I "accepted" it and I couldn't figure out why since in my head I had that problem listed under "solved".

Though, I guess I subconsciously knew I hadn't really solved it at all, or I wouldn't have sort of wandered here thinking "what if" after years of struggling. I gotta say I'm really nervous and I don't know where any of this leads or what I should do. I'm not even sure what questions to lead with other than this feeling like I have too many to count.

[Dena]

We can help you with some of the questions but others you will need to take up in therapy. I think it is going to lead to a major change in your life style but this is something that is self diagnosed. We can ask the questions you need to ask yourself and from the answers you provide, you will know what you are. In my case I had a pretty good idea at age 13 but at age 30 when I went for surgery, the doctors stated I was able to make my own decision but the decision for surgery was mine and mine alone.

There is a buch of fear facing the truth and even more fear if you decide transition is the path for you. If you ask me was it worth it, my reply would be every bit of it. I am 33 years post surgical and the only thing I regret was the the medical community wasn't able to treat me sooner.

[gennee]

Hello and welcome to Susan's.

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

Here are a few resources that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885


hugs

[Cyanide]

We can help you with some of the questions but others you will need to take up in therapy. I think it is going to lead to a major change in your life style but this is something that is self diagnosed. We can ask the questions you need to ask yourself and from the answers you provide, you will know what you are. In my case I had a pretty good idea at age 13 but at age 30 when I went for surgery, the doctors stated I was able to make my own decision but the decision for surgery was mine and mine alone.

There is a buch of fear facing the truth and even more fear if you decide transition is the path for you. If you ask me was it worth it, my reply would be every bit of it. I am 33 years post surgical and the only thing I regret was the the medical community wasn't able to treat me sooner.

I'm not sure if I can go to any type of therapy, honestly. Actually, one of my biggest concerns is about the people around me, mainly because in my younger years --since before I can remember, honestly-- I used to be VERY vocal about how much I wanted to be a boy, to the point where I'd pray for it to happen at night, or cry about it, and I used to get very angry and almost insulted when people called me by female pronouns. I was discouraged from chasing those thoughts, though, and people would tell me not to be bitter just because I was jealous I didn't get to play with boys or hang out with them without things being weird. But in recent years I've been trying to adapt and I noticed the people around me are getting much happier with me for acting more feminine, growing my hair out, putting on makeup, and shaving my arms and legs--which are all things I used to be very strongly against doing, but I started making myself do because I wanted to feel good about being a girl even if it took everything I had and I thought that if I was prettier I could be okay with it.

I think I've been avoiding thinking about actually being Trans because I used to sort of dismiss it myself, what with the negative comments I'd get when I'd try and act masculine. I'd think "I'm just jealous because boys have more fun." or "I'm probably one of those lesbians who has more masculine traits." and I'd put myself down for it a lot when things that forced me to face that I wasn't male upset me and I'd think I was being stupid, unreasonable and delusional if I thought I was anything other than female.

Hello and welcome to Susan's.

Hi, thanks! Happy to be here! 

Hello and welcome 

Here are a few resources that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885


hugs

Thank you! The post you linked to certainly does give me a lot to think about. I think I'm slowly getting more answers the more I read. I've actually dressed in a more masculine fashion before, as well as had my hair cut so short to the point where I did get mistaken for a boy several times and I'd get especially happy when girls would say I would have made a handsome guy.

....Reading my own words, I'm kind of like "Why wasn't this really, really, really flippin' obvious to me before?"

[Laura_7]

Thank you! The post you linked to certainly does give me a lot to think about. I think I'm slowly getting more answers the more I read. I've actually dressed in a more masculine fashion before, as well as had my hair cut so short to the point where I did get mistaken for a boy several times and I'd get especially happy when girls would say I would have made a handsome guy.

....Reading my own words, I'm kind of like "Why wasn't this really, really, really flippin' obvious to me before?"

Use the resources...
there is a link there leading to more...

I'd say listen to your feelings...

and writing and asking questions helps...

and it can be much fun to explore...

hugs

[Dena]

I just connected - FTM, I missed that. In your direction, the drive is a bit different but no less real. The question is do you feel comfortable when you make your self appear more feminine or are you pretty uncomfortable doing that? Did male dress make you more comfortable with your self? Some FTMs can find enough comfort appearing more boyish and they live like that. Others need far more and undergo some or all of the medical options.

As for therapy, it's nothing more than talking a person more skilled that we are. The turnaround is also much faster. If you are not able to find comfort in your current life, you need to explore the options in therapy and define a new life that you will be comfortable. How far you want to go will be up to you but the hormones do a great job going your direction. I have been around a number of post transition FTM and I do know how to detect them but with out inside information, I would assume they were born male. The surgical results aren't as good but the guys who have it aren't complaining.

Take your time and explore your options. I am not sure if you are aware of it, but this is caused by a defect in the development of your brain before you were born. You can't change it. You might be able to suppress it for a while but it has been with you all your life and will continue to be with you. You need to define your life so you are comfortable with yourself and that is how you will find happiness.

[Mariah]

Hi and welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. God luck and Hugs
Mariah

Things that you should read

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[katrinaw]

Warm welcome to Susan's Cyanide

Other way around for me, I used to cry at night wanting to be female, praying to any deity I could think of and fairy godmother etc... all to no avail.... So with you there, big time... In fact it was only over the last few years or so that I stopped, you know, getting transition plans into place.... and HRT helped immensely also...

As far as comprise, I conformed through all my life, thus far, because of risk of outcast, and the turmoil of my family if I moved earlier, however these days, whilst still awkward in many places, there is far more known about Gender Dysphoria and thus gaining much more acceptance than previously.

Anyway cool that you joined us and I look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

[Cyanide]

Use the resources...
there is a link there leading to more...

I'd say listen to your feelings...

and writing and asking questions helps...

and it can be much fun to explore...

hugs

Thank you! It is really interesting. I feel like I'm learning a lot of new things, even though I guess a part of me is still reluctant to accept anything for certain.

I just connected - FTM, I missed that. In your direction, the drive is a bit different but no less real. The question is do you feel comfortable when you make your self appear more feminine or are you pretty uncomfortable doing that? Did male dress make you more comfortable with your self? Some FTMs can find enough comfort appearing more boyish and they live like that. Others need far more and undergo some or all of the medical options.

As for therapy, it's nothing more than talking a person more skilled that we are. The turnaround is also much faster. If you are not able to find comfort in your current life, you need to explore the options in therapy and define a new life that you will be comfortable. How far you want to go will be up to you but the hormones do a great job going your direction. I have been around a number of post transition FTM and I do know how to detect them but with out inside information, I would assume they were born male. The surgical results aren't as good but the guys who have it aren't complaining.

Take your time and explore your options. I am not sure if you are aware of it, but this is caused by a defect in the development of your brain before you were born. You can't change it. You might be able to suppress it for a while but it has been with you all your life and will continue to be with you. You need to define your life so you are comfortable with yourself and that is how you will find happiness.

I do feel a lot more comfortable when appearing as a male. I have attempted at it before, and when told I make a good-looking male I used to get very happy about it. I also love the way male bodies look, and wished I could have the same figure, but I think things like that are probably out of the question for me.

I haven't really read much about FTM surgery or actually transitioning, if I'm being honest. I'm still a little timid about actually diving in too deep. I've mostly been reading more about people who seem to feel like I do and have went through similar experiences. The idea of therapy makes me kind of nervous, if I'm being honest. I'll read more about it, though, and check out what I can do.

Hi and welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. God luck and Hugs
Mariah

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Thank you! The links you posted were very helpful, and answered a few points I'd rather been wondering about regarding the forum. Mainly why I couldn't upload an avatar, since I'm pretty used to uploading one the moment I join a site. I figured it must have something to do with being new, though, and I think it's a fair precaution to take, since with the internet being what it is, I'm sure troublesome types come along pretty often.

Warm welcome to Susan's Cyanide

Other way around for me, I used to cry at night wanting to be female, praying to any deity I could think of and fairy godmother etc... all to no avail.... So with you there, big time... In fact it was only over the last few years or so that I stopped, you know, getting transition plans into place.... and HRT helped immensely also...

As far as comprise, I conformed through all my life, thus far, because of risk of outcast, and the turmoil of my family if I moved earlier, however these days, whilst still awkward in many places, there is far more known about Gender Dysphoria and thus gaining much more acceptance than previously.

Anyway cool that you joined us and I look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

Hi, thanks!

I'm glad to see that there are people who had similar feelings to mine, honestly. I used to think I was pretty alone with it, and tried really, really hard to suppress them. Now I'm starting to think more seriously about them, rather than just trying to dismiss them as me being absurd.

I look forward to seeing you around the forums, too!

[V M]

Hi

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M