Coming out caused anxiety

[AlB]

Hello everyone. I hope you'll take your time to read this, because I really need some help/advice.

I'm a 20 year old transguy and I live at home with my parents.
I came out to them about 8 months ago. I had known for sure I was trans since I was 15/16, but I wasn't able to build up the courage to tell them until I was 19. We've never really talked about our feelings in my family, so it was pretty hard for me to do it. When I felt like it was the right time to come out to my parents, I thought they would be okay with me being trans. Not necessarily super supportive, but at least I hoped they would be like "well, if that's what makes you happy", you know. Buuut no.

My mom... she said something like "we wanna help you accept who you are and get rid of those feelings" and was pretty shocked when I said that I didn't want to get rid of them. In general she didn't really get what I was saying. She "forced" me to go to therapy, because "I clearly had a lot of thoughts that I needed to talk to someone professional about". When I talk about surgery she tells me that I will be mutilating my body and she's so certain that 99 % of the transpeople who's had surgery regrets it. And when I try to explain that it's something I've wanted for as long as I remember, she's like "it's not right for you, it wouldn't do anything good". She's never listened to me when I try to explain, she's too stubborn and stuck in her own opinion, so I've given up explaining things to her, because we don't get anywhere.

My dad didn't mention anything trans related the first two weeks after I came out, but when he did, he was way better than my mom. He knew that they couldn't really do anything about my decisions and that they probably just needed some time. Fair, I accepted that.

Two weeks after talking to my dad, I attended a new school where I presented myself as male. My mom knew I was gonna do that, but when my dad found out he got really mad and almost freaked out. He told me that "I would never get a job because nobody would ever hire a freak like me, a girl who presents herself with a boys name". He also said that I would never be a boy, I would always be a girl and people would always view me as one.
So you probably understand why I don't really like talking trans stuff with them.

Uhm, okay. To the point. My parents' reaction has caused a lot of stress and anxiety to the point where I don't have the courage to come out to anyone else (I'm only out to five friends or so), even though living as a girl i certain situations ruins me. Okay, that's not the final point, even though it would be extremely nice to finally come out to everyone.

I guess the point is... in relation to my education I have to do an internship (sorry if that isn't the correct word, English isn't my native language, lol) in a kindergarten, which I was actually looking forward to, but I HAVE to call the kindergarten in order to start. But I can't. I've never liked phone calls, but now it's worse than ever. I guess my current fear is based on the thoughts of "what if I know someone who works there?", "what if they don't accept me as a boy?" and stuff like that.
The internship begins in two and a half weeks, so I have to call them soon. Ugh.

Well, so my question is. Do you have any advice for me to overcome the fear I have? Things I can do to leave my parents' comments behind? Anything would be appreciated.

[FTMax]

You're an adult. If you have the option, I'd move out. It's no fun to constantly be hiding something about yourself from the people you live with, or to have to justify your choices to someone.

I hate making phone calls and I've found that writing out the flow of the conversation in a word document usually helps me. Just write out what you're going to say when you call, write out their potential responses, and practice it a few times. You'll still be a little nervous when you actually pick up the phone to call, but you'll have everything prepared ahead of time.

I've transitioned in place and basically forced people to accept that this is the way things are now. If they don't like it, they get cut out of my life. They get a few chances, and then that's that. You just have to be a little more assertive and stand up for yourself. Try to think about what the consequences will be before you say things, and then do what you can stand.

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,193402.msg1724354.html#msg1724354

Many people now say being transgender has biological connections, to do with brain development before birth.
So its just how people are.

You are how you are, and thats how you feel.
Just relax.

You could see it as kind of a game.
Just calling there. And if someone would know you there, so what ? Just try to relax. people talk so much the whole day... often people don't see it personal, its just something to spend their time.

And its likely they are supportive. With the media attention now many people are aquainted to the subject.

You probably meet a lot of nice people there, and can have some fun.

And if children should ask, you might explain just in a casual way.
Like born a girl, feeling inside like a boy, and changing the outside to match the inside.
And maybe that its a rare condition but there are people who have it.


hugs

[Tamika Olivia]

One of the more helpful things I've heard is that unsupportive parents don't deserve any real estate in your mental landscape. Evict them, and to jump metaphors, don't listen to the ghosts of them you have in your head. Trust the people you've chosen to share your life, trust that you made good choices in selecting those people, and that'll make it easier.

Nor easy, mind, but easier.

[AlB]

Thank you all.
Unfortunately, moving out isn't an option right now. We have very long waiting lists for apartments/rooms where I live, and I don't have the money to buy something.
But I've also thought about taking a break from my parents when I move out. They don't really do anything good, so why bother having them in my life. At least until they accept that this isn't a phase and that it doesn't change.

I'll try to write down the conversation, thanks. Being relaxed about it is easier said than done, but I'll try. I have to do it, I don't think I can drag it any longer.

[Ms Grace]

Unfortunately sometimes the only way to move through the fear of doing something is just to confront it head on. If you avoid it then you miss out regardless.

Many years ago I realised there was a publisher of educational comics in the same street I lived in. As a person who draws comics it was a golden opportunity but I did nothing about it for months. I was too afraid of rejection. Then suddenly I was in a tight spot financially and I finally decided to approach them about possible freelance work. I walked up to their door, portfolio in hand, stood in front of the door, finger poised above the doorbell. I walked away a few step, then walked back. I was petrified. What if they said no? Then I decided that was the worst that could happen and pressed the doorbell. As it turned out, they needed someone that week, they liked my portfolio work and so I got a freelance job... then ongoing freelance work... then a part time job and eventually some years later became the editor.

Now where would I have been had my fear gotten the better of me? Without all those opportunities that's for sure. Yes, they very well could have said no. If I had been a week earlier or later the likelihood was they wouldn't have needed me for that job.

Anyway, my point is, it's just a phone call...yes, an awful lot is riding on it. If you don't make the call you lose out. If you do make the call there is a chance you will lose out, but there is also the more likely chance you will get the internship. The only way you'll know is to make the call. If you don't get it, like with anything in life, it's time to regroup and reexamine options. But if you don't make the call you'll be doing it anyway. You can do it.

All the very best - not just with the call but with your folks too.

[gennee]

 Ms. Grace's advice of facing the fear head on is a sound one. I was very nervous when I told my wife that I was trangender. Naturally, she was shocked  by this revelation. You shared with your parents already and now the ball is in their court. They are probably digesting what you told them. Give them time. If they have questions be prepared to answer them. Educate yourself about transgender topics. Congratulations on coming out.