Surprised by my own reaction

[LizK]

Today I had to write a letter to my "proposed Psychiatrist" giving a general overview of my life and what it happening to me. This is just get an appointment for Therapy. Apart from the difficulty I had with writing this I had an interesting reaction when I went to post it.

I got in the car and the moment I put the keys in the ignition the Dysphoria started. Every self-doubt I have ever had about my gender came pouring in but from a distinctly male view. The whole time I was driving to the post box I had these continual thoughts of "don't do this, don't start, you will be sorry, you are imagining it all, you will never make it, you know this is not for you, man up, man up, man up like a mantra as I parked the car (man up, man up, man up). I went to get out and hesitated which was enough for all these feeling to come piling in again. I eventually got out of the car and got about 2 meters from the post box and like a scream in my head a voice pleadingly said " are you really going to post that and give up the last of your male ego" I had a big grin on my face as I pushed the letter into the post box saying to myself "you better believe it" I actually felt better after doing it and by the time I got home I was fine.

Human beings are such strange creature at times...we hang on to stuff no matter how much damage we are doing to ourselves while we are hanging on.

[KatelynBG]

I recognize these feelings in myself sometimes, they're fighting a losing battle. I had a wave of this myself this morning when I got back from my morning run. Some dumb song was on Pandora about some other guy stealing your girl and I imagined some guy wine and dining my wife and taking her to bed and the male ego came full on. It's hard.

Edit- I'm pre-everything and still presenting male.  Also I just noticed I wrote "some guy" and not "some other guy" and I'm sure that means something.

[katrinaw]

Hi Sarah, that is so normal, certainly I have felt it too many times, especially looking and thinking of my family of loved ones... I eventually crossed that line (HRT) over twelve years ago... exhilarating!

Congrats and best wishes for starting your journey

Katy xxx

[Lex Six]

I understand this completely. It's scary thinking about how drastically your life is going to change. Living in fear is no way to live though and when you let the fear go.... Oh it feels so good.

[Jacqueline]

Sarah,

I'm pretty pre everything too and in no position to give advice("but that's not gonna stop me"-10th Doctor).

Been doing therapy for 6 months or so and may be starting HRT in another month or so along with electrolysis.
I get those doubts jumping me from behind often. Not as often as they were. I am glad you are feeling better. I think it is much better when you can face things and emerge stronger.

This is not a negative comment but might be seen as one. However much the male panic (self preservation?) wants you to stop and not go any further. It is too late. The genie cannot be shoved back in the bottle. And even if it can, you can't put the lid back on. It will come back later. Better to accept and move forward sooner than later.  I think every trans person I have seen being honest wishes they had started earlier.

For the first time in a few years, I have lost weight, my blood pressure has dropped, I am happier. This, all with those doubts and fears hitting me occasionally.

So, carry on as you did. Have few or no regrets and keep walking up to that mailbox and office and DMV and, and. and... keep moving as far as you need to to be you.

Wishing you a smooth journey.

With warmth,

Joanna

[LizK]

This is not a negative comment but might be seen as one. However much the male panic (self preservation?) wants you to stop and not go any further. It is too late. The genie cannot be shoved back in the bottle. And even if it can, you can't put the lid back on. It will come back later. Better to accept and move forward sooner than later.  I think every trans person I have seen being honest wishes they had started earlier.

I don't see this comment as negative I just think its true. It has never left me, no matter what I do, I can push it away or down or sideways. None of it matters it always comes back...the more I expose my fem side the better I feel and just knowing that I am on the road to finally getting some help after all these years leaves me feeling optimistic and a pleasant glow deep inside. I wish when I was 19 and I tried to find help, that I had got it rather than the disaster that happened.

Thank you all for commenting on the post I made and appreciate your input. It is good to know that what I am experiencing is normal. It felt like a significant point for me to post my letter in which I basically poured my heart and soul out for 2 pages ending in a desperate plea for help.

I had another nightmare again last night...it drove me out of bed but as least I didn't get left with the intensity of feelings that I had with the same dream the other day. Didn't go back to bed...didn't want to go back to sleep. So far I have had this dream 3 times I remember, and at least once that I don't within the last 10 days.