Struggling with NOT Being Afraid of Real Life Experiences. (TRIGGER WARNING)

[Stella Sophia]

Hi Ladies,

You have heard about the trans girls that are really shy and nervous about going out in real life and full girl mode etc. My problem is like that but the opposite and I wanted to take a chance to ask you girls if you struggle with this too and how to overcome it.

I am not afraid to be in full girl mode, not afraid at all. I intentionally put on skimpier outfits and dresses and dress provocatively (not slutty) but to the point that I get attention. I like to put myself in places such as transphobic bars and churches that are fundamental and are known to have violent members. (I live in North Idaho so it's not hard to come by these people and places.)

I don't know what it is but I get a rush out of going to these places alone, and at night. I like to hitch hike and stare at guys who clock me and I make eye contact with them as I go to the women's restroom challenging them almost. I don't know why I am like this I have always been shy but I feel so brave and fearless as my true female self. My wife constantly is stressed and cries as she is worried about me being hurt, I tell her I will stop but I get up in the night when she doesn't know. I just cant get enough of this, I love the rush.

Being passable in places like this and getting compliments from these kind of guys who I know would murder me if they knew I was trans, it really gives me a high and so far I haven't been caught. It's like part of me feels like I fantasize about being murdered because of the rush it gives me, I can't get enough of this dangerous feeling that I sort of don't care if I am murdered. I want to keep doing more and more dangerous things that all the trans people warn me against.

I haven't talked to my therapist about this and I don't think I need to, so is this normal? 

[Ms Grace]

There's nothing wrong with feeling excited about getting dressed up and going out but you really need to stop going to those places. It is potentially very dangerous and is essentially suicidal self harming behaviour. So, no, I wouldn't think it is normal at all. And yes, you do need to talk to a therapist about it.

I'm putting a trigger warning on your post.

[stephaniec]

Honestly, I use to live like that , I was a acid freak. I'd put myself in bad places to prove how tough I was , which was really stupid because I'm 5'5 and at the time extremely anorexic . I stood on a street corner once and tried to argue with about 15 guys who said something to me, I don't remember what. The only thing that stopped me from being hurt was a cop that was passing by at the right time. I had a death wish and there were far too many times in the period that I was addicted to drugs that I could of died. I finally got help from a therapist because a friend saw me slowly dying and convinced me to get help. Self abuse is not the way to go , I know from experience.

[Stella Sophia]

Honestly, I use to live like that , I was a acid freak. I'd put myself in bad places to prove how tough I was , which was really stupid because I'm 5'5 and at the time extremely anorexic . I stood on a street corner once and tried to argue with about 15 guys who said something to me, I don't remember what. The only thing that stopped me from being hurt was a cop that was passing by at the right time. I had a death wish and there were far too many times in the period that I was addicted to drugs that I could of died. I finally got help from a therapist because a friend saw me slowly dying and convinced me to get help. Self abuse is not the way to go , I know from experience.

Stephanie, How do I funnel the rush I get from doing this to something healthy or positive? I worry I am going to end up dead at times.

[stephaniec]

Its hard. Being an addict no one could tell me nothing.  The only reason I got help was because someone I felt love for told me I needed help.  It might of been somewhat different for me because I went back to school and had to use all my time and energy in trying to stay in school . I was pretty messed up. I don't know if you have interests that you can get yourself absorbed in but that would help. I was just lucky to be at the right time and place to take courses.

[Stella Sophia]

Its hard. Being an addict no one could tell me nothing.  The only reason I got help was because someone I felt love for told me I needed help.  It might of been somewhat different for me because I went back to school and had to use all my time and energy in trying to stay in school . I was pretty messed up. I don't know if you have interests that you can get yourself absorbed in but that would help. I was just lucky to be at the right time and place to take courses.

Yeah I understand that. I guess for me I have always been a "good boy" pretending to be a guy and doing the right things and going to college and working a steady job. Now its like I am finally the woman I have always wanted to be and not only that but I am hot and attractive, something I thought I never would be. It's like I want a constant rush and to constantly have men tell me how hot I am. I know this sounds so awful and conceited...

[stephaniec]

Everyone has their fantasies . I've use to be pretty bad and did a lot of things that I still think of from time to time. I don't do them because I have things I do. I have been thinking quite a lot lately of some things that I use to do that aren't quite healthy because the hormones are opening up my brain cells a lot and making fantasize about doing things,  but so far I've been able to restrain the impulses. A lot of the reason that I can restrain is simply from the fact the I have a therapist I really like and can't wait to get to see her each week. She kind of keeps me from certain behaviors.

[Stella Sophia]

Everyone has their fantasies . I've use to be pretty bad and did a lot of things that I still think of from time to time. I don't do them because I have things I do. I have been thinking quite a lot lately of some things that I use to do that aren't quite healthy because the hormones are opening up my brain cells a lot and making fantasize about doing things,  but so far I've been able to restrain the impulses. A lot of the reason that I can restrain is simply from the fact the I have a therapist I really like and can't wait to get to see her each week. She kind of keeps me from certain behaviors.

I'd like to ask about those fantasies but I don't want to pry. I think I might need to utilize my therapist more often.

[stephaniec]

well, I don't know if I'll get into trouble from the MODS , but I hope not. I just want to be honest and if I can help it would be good . I use to be a prostitute.

[Stella Sophia]

well, I don't know if I'll get into trouble from the MODS , but I hope not. I just want to be honest and if I can help it would be good . I use to be a prostitute.

I see, thank you for sharing *hugs you* that must have been really difficult for you, I am fortunate enough to say I haven't gone down that road or been forced to see that as an alternative. 

[stephaniec]

It's definitely not a healthy life style.

[Martine A.]

That sounds like you like adrenaline of such actions. It is asking the aggressive part of the population to react and at some point that will happen. You'd agree that is not how a typical female feels. Maybe you would like to talk to a therapist about it?

Myself I am not shy, I go out as I am and do my thing. But I avoid potentially dangerous places and situations.

[Rejennyrated]

None of your post is particularly shocking, I think we all realised that there are some people who thrive on living dangerously like that, and within reason its their life to live as they choose.

However I'm sure you dont need me to tell you that a lot of them do end up as statistics. We know there are a lot of trans murders, and many of them will be the result of this kind of behaviour. So you do need to understand and accept the possible consequences. It is only therefore the last sentence of your post that I find troublesome.

I haven't talked to my therapist about this and I don't think I need to, so is this normal? 

Clearly there are other transpeople who do this same thing, and to that extent you might argue this was normal, however that doesnt mean that you don't need to talk with your therapist about it, because clearly you are putting yourself intentionally in harms way, and that could be for any number of reasons which are not normal.

It is the therapists job to enable you to understand your own behaviours so that you can avoid those which may prove harmful to your life. Out of control, this may prove fatal, so I do think there is a need to at least explore the motivation to see where it comes from and learn how the tiger you are riding may at least be ridden successfully.

The alternative leads to a possibility that the trans community will witness another death, and that's not going to help anyone.

[Stella Sophia]

None of your post is particularly shocking, I think we all realised that there are some people who thrive on living dangerously like that, and within reason its their life to live as they choose.

However I'm sure you dont need me to tell you that a lot of them do end up as statistics. We know there are a lot of trans murders, and many of them will be the result of this kind of behaviour. So you do need to understand and accept the possible consequences. It is only therefore the last sentence of your post that I find troublesome.Clearly there are other transpeople who do this same thing, and to that extent you might argue this was normal, however that doesnt mean that you don't need to talk with your therapist about it, because clearly you are putting yourself intentionally in harms way, and that could be for any number of reasons which are not normal.

It is the therapists job to enable you to understand your own behaviours so that you can avoid those which may prove harmful to your life. Out of control, this may prove fatal, so I do think there is a need to at least explore the motivation to see where it comes from and learn how the tiger you are riding may at least be ridden successfully.

The alternative leads to a possibility that the trans community will witness another death, and that's not going to help anyone.

Yeah, well, if im the next murdered girl make sure my pic is cute.

[StartingOver]

I am not afraid to be in full girl mode, not afraid at all. I intentionally put on skimpier outfits and dresses and dress provocatively (not slutty) but to the point that I get attention. I like to put myself in places such as transphobic bars and churches that are fundamental and are known to have violent members.

I don't know what it is but I get a rush out of going to these places alone, and at night. I like to hitch hike and stare at guys who clock me and I make eye contact with them as I go to the women's restroom challenging them almost. I don't know why I am like this I have always been shy but I feel so brave and fearless as my true female self. My wife constantly is stressed and cries as she is worried about me being hurt, I tell her I will stop but I get up in the night when she doesn't know. I just cant get enough of this, I love the rush.

Being passable in places like this and getting compliments from these kind of guys who I know would murder me if they knew I was trans, it really gives me a high and so far I haven't been caught. It's like part of me feels like I fantasize about being murdered because of the rush it gives me, I can't get enough of this dangerous feeling that I sort of don't care if I am murdered. I want to keep doing more and more dangerous things that all the trans people warn me against.

I haven't talked to my therapist about this and I don't think I need to, so is this normal? 

Um, sorry to have to post this, but the responses so far have been woefully lacking.  YOU NEED TO STOP THIS BEHAVIOR IMMEDIATELY.  It's extremely dangerous, far more so than you perhaps understand.  It's absolutely nowhere near normal, like not even close.  There is something wrong with you if this is what you're actually doing.  While we all have our quirks and preferences, what you have described is waaaayy outside the boundaries of acceptability.

You need to see your therapist NOW and explain what you're doing.  You need help.

Yeah, well, if im the next murdered girl make sure my pic is cute.

This is beyond tasteless and I found it extremely offensive.  Probably the most offensive thing I've ever read on this board to be honest.

Please, get some help.

(Girls, there's a time and a place for taking a "yeah, whatever floats your boat" attitude to these kinds of things.  But when there's very few other people out there who actually care what happens to us - and more than a few out there who would be rather happy to see one less transgender girl on the planet - I think we do need to take a bit of responsibility for looking after our own and calling out highly dangerous activities when we see them.  Or maybe that's just me, although I'd be extremely disappointed if that were the case.)

[AshleyT]

Well, as an adrenalin junkie myself I can relate to the thrill-chasing, although I have always perceived my own version to be based on instinct weighing up the risk (in terms of meeting people and the things I have done with them), or based on environmental factors I can control (ie, free climbing, where the risk is not dependent on the actions of others).

However, your own exploits bear a striking resemblance to my ex-gf (now my best friend and one of the biggest supporters of my transition). I'm not saying there's an underlying correlation to you, as she had far deeper issues of which her risk-taking was just one of several symptoms and I know nothing about you, but I do know from experience where it can lead.

She would go out of her way to put herself in dangerous situations. It was not a case of seeking death but very much that she didn't particularly care if she lived or died. She used to hang around in the local crack dens, not as a crack user but as an escape from her then life, partly because she found the people there fascinating and non-judgmental. However, she also had a sense of her own invincibility and a self-belief in her own strength and ability to handle herself that was sorely misplaced. One day, one of the girls in the house just flipped and went psycho on her - and having her head repeatedly smashed into a stone floor, unable to defend herself, brought home to her with frightening reality that she wasn't the immortal that she thought she was. It was one hell of a wake-up call. It also very quickly turned her from not caring about living or dying to definitely not wanting to die - she only didn't because someone intervened.

Since then, she uses that as her 'momento mori' moment ('remember we have to die') and in fact that has become her own self-policing catchphrase to remind herself of her own mortality.

As I said, her actions were symptomatic of a much deeper issue that came with several other behaviours and symptoms which may or may not be relevant in your case (she is in long-term therapy). My point is just to say it's something you need to address, and more importantly please, please be careful - don't let it get to the same point before you wake up to your own mortality.

[Rejennyrated]

Um, sorry to have to post this, but the responses so far have been woefully lacking.  YOU NEED TO STOP THIS BEHAVIOR IMMEDIATELY.  It's extremely dangerous, far more so than you perhaps understand.  It's absolutely nowhere near normal, like not even close.  There is something wrong with you if this is what you're actually doing.  While we all have our quirks and preferences, what you have described is waaaayy outside the boundaries of acceptability.

You need to see your therapist NOW and explain what you're doing.  You need help.

This is beyond tasteless and I found it extremely offensive.  Probably the most offensive thing I've ever read on this board to be honest.

Please, get some help.

(Girls, there's a time and a place for taking a "yeah, whatever floats your boat" attitude to these kinds of things.  But when there's very few other people out there who actually care what happens to us - and more than a few out there who would be rather happy to see one less transgender girl on the planet - I think we do need to take a bit of responsibility for looking after our own and calling out highly dangerous activities when we see them.  Or maybe that's just me, although I'd be extremely disappointed if that were the case.)

A little asside here, if I may - which I hope may clarify something. Don't misunderstand me I'm not trying to approve of this behaviour, but because of my status as a trainee doctor I have certain restrictions placed on me as to how I can express myself.

You of course have the freedom to post more directly. Whether I may think it or not, I do not have that freedom... because I'm bound by the conditions applied to all medical practicioners (and trainees) that require us to respect patient authonomy, and unless we are sectioning someone we have to be measured, respectful and moderate in tone at all times. It may surprise some, but we are simply NOT allowed to tell people what they "must" do, and could indeed could get struck off if we pushed a point. So we can advise or encourage - but never tell, or tell off.

Just wanted to clarify that as a general point irrespective of this particular thread, because I think unfortunately sometimes patients dont always understand the way the medical profession operates, and therefore can misread our measured approach as tacit approval or disinterest, when in reality it is neither.

[StartingOver]

Rejennyrated, absolutely understood, and I appreciate the clarification.

Everyone else:

1 - We're never as passable as we think we are (no matter what compliments we receive in the "Do I pass?" vanity threads).  Most of us are easily recognizable as transgender women; nothing wrong with that, but be very careful in situations where you (wrongly) assume that you're stealth and rely upon said stealth for safely.  Watch your back.

2 - "RLE" includes presenting our typical female selves while working, shopping, studying, and socializing; all relatively safe activities.  RLE does not - and has never! - included going to going to transphobic bars, getting "clocked", then making eye contact while we waltz into the women's restroom.  RLE does not - and has never! - included putting ourselves in situations where murder is a predictable end result.  This thread is hopelessly mistitled as a RLE thread; it is anything but.

3 - Stella Sophia, I don't mean to bust on you but I'm genuinely concerned.  Far more so than I've ever been with anyone on this site.  The last thing you need at the moment is anything that even vaguely rationalizes your behavior or gives you the confidence to continue such activities in the future.  You truly need to listen to your wife, listen to us (or me, at least), and get yourself some mental health assistance immediately.  Seriously.  I mean there's occasional disturbing things on this site in terms of people in abusive relationships and people in rough places in their lives, but yours really does go above and beyond in terms of the "wtf?!?" factor.  Your life can be better than you've described.  You're playing Russian Roulette, honey, but I don't think you know the gun is loaded.

[JoanneB]

Now its like I am finally the woman I have always wanted to be and not only that but I am hot and attractive, something I thought I never would be. It's like I want a constant rush and to constantly have men tell me how hot I am. I know this sounds so awful and conceited...

I totally acknowledge my male roots and have waaaayy too much insider info on how just about 90% of the male population thinks. Don't kid yourself. All they are looking for is free ->-bleeped-<-.

[Stella Sophia]

Thank you for making me feel like I am legitamately crazy everyone.