FTM Anger problems

[Wifeybear]

Hello I am new here I have been with my husband for 6 years and he has been transitioning for 5 months. I have noticed that his opinion on things have changed. Also we fight all the time like he screamed at me for running over a curb on accident. I have a me talk illness that I get treatment for and cannot handle being attacked over things that don't matter. I don't know what I could do to not let it get to me because I know he just has new hormones flowing through him but I can't help but to take everything to heart.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. yes it is the hormones but not all the hormones. It is possible he may need a reduced dose but more important, both of you should be in therapy. I lived with that in my system for far to many years but the anger can and should be controlled. That type of behavior can't be excused with the words "it's the hormones".

In addition, there may be other issues in his life that are causing the anger because transitioning isn't easy but again therapy will help control that. If he refuses to address this with therapy, you should consider separate living spaces because verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and you shouldn't experience either.

[Tessa James]

Cisgender, transgender, gay or straight, HRT or not we all have the right to be treated with respect.  I agree with Dena that this can border on abuse.  It may be understandable that we have an adjustment period as we find our selves in a different hormonal world.  I appreciate that my friends and family recognized i was sort of going through a second puberty and sometimes acted like a teenager. 

The bottom line still remains that we are each responsible for our words and actions.  Ya, words can hurt especially with screaming.  I am sorry you are having a tough time and like any couple working on our communication is critically important.  I would imagine he needs and wants your support and he needs to be able to hear about your concerns too.  Transition is a shared experience for committed couples.

[Mariah]

Hi Wifeybear, welcome to Susan's. I honestly don't know what to tell you, but I wouldn't think anger is something that should be happening from him. Secondly at Tessa pointed out. No one deserves to be treated that way and abuse is abuse be it verbal or physical. You need to let him know how you feel though because in the end the only way he is going to know he crossed a line is if you tell him. It's true as our hormones change and get fine tuned we might all be affected differently. Talk with him will at the same time letting him know you are there for him, but make sure he knows how you feel. Communication is so important. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Wifeybear]

We have talked about his anger and we both in seprate therapy. Also he acknowledges that it's verbal abuse. He had a bad upbringing where his father had treated him the way he treats me. And also told me that he is going to try to focus on how bad he treats me with his therapist and try to do better. And I just try being understanding because he is going through a lot with getting bullied at his workplace.

[Dena]

This may or may not work for you but when I first met my roommate many years ago and we reached to point of sharing an address, I made a deal with her. Normally we were wide open to each other and never closed the bedroom doors. My deal with her was if she blew up and I went to my bedroom and closed the door she wasn't to follow me in there as I needed to escape the anger. Sometime that worked and sometimes it didn't but she understood when I did that I had reached my limit and she had stepped over the line. Call it my safe place or what ever. Over time she gained control of her temper and I could go for years with needing to escape.

Therapy should help because he can learn ways to safely handle his anger. I haven't much of an anger issue in my life but in the past when I had issues, I knew enough to keep my distance from people until I cooled down. You may also find when your husband is angry, it may better to stay away from him instead of trying to comfort him. It may be best to let him have the lead on when to approach you for comfort.

As long as you are both in therapy I think there is hope that this problem can be solved.

[JoanneB]

We all speak the language we were exposed to as children, and that includes the emotional language. While he may use "My dad was like that...." excuse, knowing it hurts you should be enough to want to change that behavior. Especially if you make sure to point it out when it happens. Changing how he abuses you is not simply by "talking to the therapist" about it. It means changing how he talks to you.

My wife can tell you plenty about what an angry person I was. (BTW - I didn't start out that way. Life slowly beat me down and almost won) She grew up in an alcoholic and verbally abusive household. She WILL NOT tolerate anything close to that for long, but will let the occasional slight pass, but never unforgotten. (And I mean NEVER with her photographic memory) One of her best pieces of advice is the old favorite "Count to ten before..." Well, it really does work, if you want it to.

And then there is always "The Man's Prayer" courtesy of The Red Green Show

I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

[Wifeybear]

Well he was doing a lot better but it slowly started to regress after he started hormones. And I feel I tried everything to get through to him but he understands and knows what he's doing is wrong but he can't control it in the moment. So I got to the point where I'm like fine I'll do to you that you do to me just to shine some light on it. And I love him more than anything don't want to lose him. But I know he is scared of the damage he is doing to me.

[1xxMiaxx1]

don't let anybody abused you for any reason, what we do and say affects everybody around us not just us. don't take it speak up tell him you don't have the right to talk to me that way.

[ELLENOIR80]

I'm so very sorry to hear that this is happening. Transition is such a scary thing because of the unknowns. The effects the hormones take on mood and personality is one of the biggest unknowns and definitely the scariest for us SOs. I would suggest making a doctor's appointment to have his levels checked. Additionally, I would ask him if he is willing to make changes and if he is, consider getting a good therapist for you as a couple and for him as an individual. Communication styles and ways of thinking can certainly change when a person gets on hormones, so you guys are probably in a big learning curve right now (at least I hope that's all it is). He may be expressing frustration because he doesn't know how to effectively communicate. These are all possibilities. There may only be one answer, but then again there may be several things contributing. That's why it is so important to cover all of the bases (medical and psychological).