Faux acceptance?

[captains]

Hey all. I'm in a weird place rn with gender and family, and I'm wondering if any of y'all had been here before.

To set the stage: I'm newly out to my parents. My mom has known for a little over a year, my dad for just a few weeks. I'm very lucky. Although they were surprised and alternately disbelieving and distraught, they're also very liberal and generally accepting. Trans issues are generally treated with respect in my house.

... Except for mine. My gender is forgotten about until it's some big freakin' joke. Any time I'm gendered even CLOSE to correctly -- any time I get called a boy, or even a "thing" (the only gender neutral word my mom can think of to describe a person, apparently) -- it's said with a wink and a laugh. Often literally. Everyone is in on the hilariousness that is me not being female.

"Oh, we'll make (birthname) set the mousetraps because she's the man." "(Birthname)'s our little HANDYMAN! She's so cute .. I mean strong.  " Cue chortles.

I know my parents love me, but it's so obvious they think my trans identity is some silly phase to be treated with the same petty indulgence as, I don't know, a toddler's newfound obsession with dinosaurs. "Aww, are you my little T-Rex today?" I'm an adult. I'm 22, a financially-independent medical student, and I don't appreciate this patronizing weirdness. Not to be contradictorily juvenile, but it hurts my feelings.

At first it was pleasant, even exciting to be acknowledged at all, but now I feel a little bit like a dog being tossed a chicken bone. It seemed like a treat, but eventually, I'm gonna choke. I hate feeling so dumb and small.

And at the same time, I feel guilty for not being more grateful. It could be so much worse. Maybe I'm asking too much? And, I mean, this is better than before, with all the crying and calling me all the time and making me constantly reassure them that I was fine with being misgendered or whatever. I dunno. I dunno.

Has anyone else experienced this? I would really value advice, commiseration, anything.

[LizK]

Hi Captains

At 22 you are not in any "phase" and I think you have every right to feel the way you do, Out of simple respect it would be nice if they at least tried. I can imagine it is also fairly tough for your parents they may not let on too much but on some level they are struggling. This does not give them the right to ride rough shod over your emotions because they don't know how to deal with theirs. They need to understand that this is a serious situation for you. If they don't "get it" then maybe its time for a new approach. You know what works best with your parents, if you can remember, think about when you were younger and you really needed them to listen to you what did you do? Will it work now? Something close

I wish you luck

Sarah T

[Ms Grace]

Just misgender them back - see how much they like it.

[suzifrommd]

Just misgender them back - see how much they like it.

I'm concerned about this. Kind of turns it into a game. When I was bullied as a kid, my bullies always liked it when I called them the same things they called me, because it bothered me and not them.

It isn't a game. It is rude, aggressive, insulting, and invalidating. Let them know, in a very serious tone, that you consider it as such. You are being emotionally abused. Please treat these aggressions accordingly.

[Yakayla]

I'm concerned about this. Kind of turns it into a game. When I was bullied as a kid, my bullies always liked it when I called them the same things they called me, because it bothered me and not them.

It isn't a game. It is rude, aggressive, insulting, and invalidating. Let them know, in a very serious tone, that you consider it as such. You are being emotionally abused. Please treat these aggressions accordingly.

I totally agree. They're not taking you seriously at all. And on top of that, they're bullying you about it. It's really not cool. I'm not sure if they doing it intentionally or not, but you need to confront them about it or it will never stop.

[Elis]

We're in the same kinda position. I'm 21, live at home and only came out a few months ago. And my dad and brother still use my birth name and pronouns. But if they choose to stay ignorant it's not my problem. And when I move out I'll never have to deal with it again. Just keep pushing through, it's only temporary for now.

[captains]

Thank you for the replies, everyone. I feel much less alone.

We're in the same kinda position. I'm 21, live at home and only came out a few months ago. And my dad and brother still use my birth name and pronouns. But if they choose to stay ignorant it's not my problem. And when I move out I'll never have to deal with it again. Just keep pushing through, it's only temporary for now.

[daps]

Seriously tho, that's a good point. I don't actually live at home, I'm just visiting and helping out during a big family transition (heh) period, so for me, the end is actually in sight. I don't like their attitude, but soon it'll be a distant irritation.

Best of luck to you, man. It sucks, but obviously you've got a good head on your shoulders.

[captains]

I totally agree. They're not taking you seriously at all. And on top of that, they're bullying you about it. It's really not cool. I'm not sure if they doing it intentionally or not, but you need to confront them about it or it will never stop.

I'm sure it's not intentional. I've only spoken up once (In a rare moment of emotional honesty, I mentioned that being out and not being gendered correctly was much harder than being misgendered while in the closet because there's a real vulnerability in asking for something and being denied.) and it lead to all kinds of tears and apologies and over-the-top hand-wringing until eventually, I was the one saying sorry. Aggravating, but the feelings were definitely sincere.

I guess I bring some of this on myself. I'm at a place in my life right now where the most important thing in the word to me is my education and my career; I can't afford to take time and transition. On top of that, I have a lot of fears about being out as a trans physician, so I've chosen not to move forward medically and legally. I think the fact that I'm not "full trans" has given my folks the impression that I don't really care, or that this isn't real or serious or important to me.

It is, though. I had hopes that I'd be able to straddle the cis and trans world in my personal life, and that the people close to me would be able to understand where I was coming from and treat me accordingly. Skip the girly descriptors and indulge my subscription to Men's Health. I don't ask for a lot, yknow? I'll tolerate the wrong pronouns, whatever, I just don't want to be laughed at. Call me "dude" and I'm beaming. Why is that so hard?

Shrug. I wish I knew how to un-want this.

Thank you for your replies, everyone. Your support means more than you know.

[BenKenobi]

I partially know how you feel. I don't live with my parents any more but i do see them fairly often. When i got my haircut my dad kept calling me "guy" or "dude" every so often but I'm not out to either of them.

But honestly i wouldn't tolerate it if they misgender me on purpose. I would set them straight and be like "look. I get that you're accustomed to calling me by my birth name and sex for over 20 years and that's hard to break. But making fun of me and this situation is only adding to the stress." yadda yadda yadda whatever else you want to add. Really, it's not like we can wave a magic wand and *poof* we're the body we want to be in. This is a real financial strain, especially for folks like us that are in school.

[Jacqueline]

Captains,

At the risk of coming across as supporting your parents as well as being closer to their age(as well as a parent myself)...

Is it possible they are trying to fit what might be a new idea of you  into their old paradigm? Do/did they tease you or others about dating or things, that the subject might find embarrassing but they were just kind of "having fun". I know my wife and I sometimes do that with our daughters. I think I am a little more sensitive but my wife sometimes takes it too far and we have to apologize. Just trying to make the tensions, that are in all families, more tolerable.

Similarly, I only came out to myself as MTF(yup pretty deep in the D closet for a long time) 6 months ago and to my wife 4 months ago. Every so often I will say something and she will respond to it "jokingly". Like "Yeah, maybe you should stick with "boy's" pants because "girls's" don't have pockets. For the most part, she does this in private. I know her pretty well(only married 25 years) and know it is her way of coping with a situation that has been hard for both of us recently. The old if you don't laugh about it...

I am not saying your parents are right or even that is what is happening. Just trying to keep another perspective open. I also hope I don't make you feel any more guilt. Perhaps you need to have another uncomfortable talk with them and tell them how it feels. In a way that does not put all the wrong on them. That only creates defensive reactions and often passive aggressive responses.

I do hope you can work it out. I am sorry you feel this way. It seems so unfair to have understanding for all the world but you.

Good luck.

With warm wishes,

Joanna

[iKate]

Just misgender them back - see how much they like it.

Not that simple. I did that to my wife and her response was, "meh."

We are more sensitive about it.

[captains]

Is it possible they are trying to fit what might be a new idea of you  into their old paradigm? Do/did they tease you or others about dating or things, that the subject might find embarrassing but they were just kind of "having fun". I know my wife and I sometimes do that with our daughters. I think I am a little more sensitive but my wife sometimes takes it too far and we have to apologize. Just trying to make the tensions, that are in all families, more tolerable.

Thanks for the advice, Joanna. I do think that's a good point, and honestly, I don't mind a little teasing at my expense. Life is weird! I'm able to laugh about it, and at myself.

It's just... that sort of gentle mockery isn't really the timbre this is all taking. My parents never teased me about other embarrassing stuff, but my perception of that kind of thing is that, while you may be the butt of the joke, you're also in on it. With my folks right now, though, it's almost like they think it's going over my head. When they gender me correctly, it's with this fond indulgence that you might use for a pet or a very small child? Y'know, like when a kid is really into their imaginary play, and you say "Sure, honey. You're a very big dragon!" while winking at the other adults at the dinner table.

It really wouldn't trouble me if that was a "sometimes behavior" but I guess why I find it frustrating is because I'm never given the respect of being subtly or seriously gendered male/neutral. My trans-ness is forgotten about entirely until it's being used in jest and, idk.. it feels bad I guess. I get called she/her/daughter/lady/-woman when I'm being spoken to normally.

And then all of a sudden my mom will be like "Aw, look at (birthname)'s leg hair! She's our hairy little thing. You're our tough lil guy, aren't you? Time to change the lightbulbs, little man." Which, like. WTF?

I've always been "the grown up" of my family -- I had a lot of responsibility, and I was treated like an adult from a young age. Now, it's like I've been demoted. It's strange. I feel strange.

For what it's worth, I would really value advice on how to bring this up w/ the 'rents in a sensitive, understanding way. I hate conflict, and I really don't want to come across as unnecessarily aggro, but everything I say seems to be perceived as an attack. I'm not sure if it's me or them, but either way, I could definitely use some outside help.

Thanks again.

[Jacqueline]

Cameron,

Sorry I did not see your name last time.

I am not an expert but I could throw a few things out that might open or be part of a conversation.

I think if you could sit down with few distractions(may be hard). Suggest you have some things you wanted to talk to them about and perhaps ask for some advice on some subject.(don't know if that works for you) It might be awkward but maybe if you had an index card with several things to talk about. Parents like to feel needed.

Can you think of a time when as a teen or young adult you said or behaved in a way that made your parents feel badly? It would be better if you know of an instance where you behaved in a particular way or said something that you did not realize hurt them. Perhaps you could start a conversation with a "remember when I ... I know it made you feel ... (then move to your point)when you do this with me, I feel like a 9 year old." Or some such thing. Reflective listening is always good("from what I hear you say"...-then phrase what they said so they understand how you heard it).

Conflict is not always a bad thing. Many creative things are born out of it and many relationships become stronger when worked through. The goal is to avoid negativity if possible(While talking about how they made me feel bad? I know.) Not blaming but clarifying how it makes you feel, I guess is the name of the game.

One more thing I will admit. You are fully an adult. However, many parents have trouble seeing their young adults as anything but children. Even though the goal as a parent is to raise an adult, not a child. That is part of why it is so important for kids to get out on their own. So their parents can see how much they truly have become adults and can make it on their own.

I don't know your parents so I don't know how they will react to any of this or if what I describe is how they feel.

I feel like I am throwing a lot of simple answers and sentences around at human relations. I know it is not simple.

I hope your next steps go well and smoothly. I hope you can get on the same page as your parents(more visa versa). Good luck.

With warmth,

Joanna

[rachel89]

I'm out, but I'm not really sure they get it either. I think they are in denial right now and just think its just a phase because not everything in my life so great right now. I am kind of annoyed by it.