Need to get this out

[iKate]

So I kind of remember your story, how your coworkers outed you and you felt more or less forced to go full time. That would have been good if you were ready to but apparently you weren't.

All of this is in the past now, so let's see how we can make the best of this.

I'll give you a few bullet points based on my own observations and experience.

Being misgendered. If you don't have a naturally feminine look and you aren't on HRT you will most likely be misgendered. That's just how it is, unfortunately. My early days on HRT put me nowhere near passable. I dealt with it and took baby steps coming out. Even today, almost 9 months in, I'm sure people can clock me. But I am a lot better than I was! The point here is that things will get better given HRT and frankly just time to figure things out. People calling you "sir" to your face. Some people may do it deliberately. Some may do it by pure reflex. The deliberate ones you can't do much about but you can politely ask them to stop doing it. It gets tiring, I know.

Your voice. Get an honest assessment of your voice. You would not believe how powerful the voice is as a marker. You say your voice sounds gender ambiguous, but maybe leaning femme. That may or may not be good enough. You won't know until someone tells you. Start with the voice forum. Even send me a voice recording and I'll tell you privately, honestly how you sound. Even with a shadow on my face, my voice gets me called "ma'am" or "miss" every single time. It has been a major boost to my confidence.

Your clothing. Unfortunately you're stuck with that bland uniform they give you, which doesn't give you much opportunity to use clothing to enhance your look. Outside of work though, you should dress as femme as you want. My mom give me a blunt piece of advice - throw away the straight jeans because I look like a "total guy." It hurt that she said that but she was right! Wearing dresses and skirts makes my whole image look femme. Wearing the right kind of pants also makes me look femme. Wearing the $15 straight amanda jeans from costco makes me look like a guy.

Don't expect to go from zero to stealth in one month. Won't happen. It's a gradual process, and HRT takes time to work when you get there. For transition, one needs a thick skin and needs to be able to brush off occasional (or frequent) misgendering.

Good luck, I wish you all the best. I do hope you can reach the point that you want to.

[Dena]

I just found this tread Raven and the others have given you some useful information but naturally I am going to give you my two cents worth. Passing 100% of the time isn't possible. If nothing else another transsexual might spot you and they know what to look for. In addition anyone who works around your therapist office will most likely know. When I went for my first visit with Dr Haben, the taxi driver knew because he had driven many people to the doctors office and a fair number were transexuals.

You also have develop a thick skin about this because people will know if it bothers you and if they know, they will push it even farther. You have come so far in such a short time, you expect everything to be in place but the world doesn't move anywhere as fast as you did. it will take time for people to get used to the new you. Your image may need additional refinement that will happen over time and your attitude around other people won't happen over night. Most of us take 6 months, a year or even longer part time getting the kinks worked out before going full time. I must have worked on my image over a year and I would have taken a bit longer had my hand not been forced. You did it in a couple of months so expect a few problems.

On the other hand you should take pride in the fact that you are accepted many place away from work. By now you should see what's possible and that you can live and work as a woman. Don't let a few problems destroy all the work you have done so far. You have proven you can overcome just about any obstruction paced before you so don't let others block you from your goal.

[RavenL]

ButterflyVickster, saying that I can really write made my day! I guess all the hours writing reports on history and literature classes actually did something after all. Time for another book!

Your story is kind of like mine in a way. The first day I went full time at work I went to a nightly meeting for all the overnight people. Standing and minding my own business while the manager is talking. And she looked over to me and said "dead name, how big was the frozen truck" I saw her face turn white as a sheet but she kept it together. And I didn't let it get to me just gave her the piece count. She was really worried after the meeting since I got called by my old name in front of like thirty people. But I reassured her it wasn't a problem since everyone already knew about me.

Of course I still get the occasional dead name and sir from people that know me at work. But its mostly over my radio at this point and they usually catch the mistake pretty quickly. So I really don't mind and if they do say sir I just reply din't know I was one.

iKate, I'll freely admit that I probably made a mistake going full time or maybe not. Really know way to tell right now but when I did start trying to have a double life it was pretty difficult for me. If I had to make the choice again to do it all over I would've waited a few more months and don't advise anyone else to jump in as fast as I did. But what is done is done at this point and no turning back.

As for being misgendered I've made it my goal to correct anyone that does do that. I'm not going to let it bother me plus a few female friends that are super girly looking also told me they have been called sir before.

As for the voice you've helped me out along with Dena also so it is improving. The weird thing is I do record myself speaking in my everyday voice pretty much every day. And maybe its the mic on my phone since I sound absolutely horrible. I know the voice I hear when talking is not the same as the one that other people have heard. But I've asked probably twenty five people in person to be honest and they say its fine. Or they might just be super nice in which case is kind of upsetting.

As for clothing yup khaki pants and navy blue shirts don't help me out anyway. But outside of work I'm super femme and haven't worn pants on my days off in forever. And never have to worry about jeans because I seriously hate them.

Dena, first off the photo of you is so pretty! I have realized that passing is never going to be 100% possible. I watched one of Princessjoules video's on Youtube where she got clocked while on vacation. Which I have no idea how since she looks excautly like a cisfemale at least to me. Plus I think Tuesday night at work I spotted what might have been a MtF. I couldn't really figure it out but the way she was dressed didn't look right and her walk was super stiff. Might have been nothing but I guess my radar kind of went off. Since usually when I see another female I never give them a second look.

And it is taking a lot of time for people to get used to me some longer then others. A lot of coworkers jumped right in and had no problem from day one talking to me. While others its been almost month and they still haven't said much to me. Its going to take time like you said but I do get a lot more hello's then I ever did before.

I am kind of proud of everything I have done in such a short amount of time. And knowing that a few people do look up to me makes it all worth it. However a lot of credit needs to be given to everyone on this forum. Otherwise I have no idea what I'd be doing at this point in my life.

As for today no big problems at all unless you count spending too much shopping! I did chat with a clerk again today and while I had doubts on my voice she never looked at me funny and just commented on the nice stuff I bought. Oh and I did get a total pass while at the grocery store. A nice looking guy saw I was waiting to get into an aisle and stopped and waved his arm saying "After you." So that really made me happy today! 

[Dena]

If voice is an issue for you, you can post your voice over on the voice forms for others to review and comment. I can listen to my voice without winching but I have trained myself to ignore the part that grates on my nerves and hear my voice as others do. For the moment it might just be better to let others judge your voice.

As for my picture, I don't recall when it was taken but it might be as much as 30 years ago. If you really want to grimace, send me an email address by PM and I will show you the before pictures as long as you promise you will not post those pictures on the internet.

[RavenL]

I have one app on my Samsung Note 3 that I've been using but I don't know if its the app or my phone. I played around with it today and even had my mother speak into it and it makes her sound awfully deep also. So I've ditched stopped using that one and found a much better one. Plus I can watch the pitch in real time while its recording and I've noticed where I'm alright at the beginning of my sentence and end but kind of go low in the middle. I'll post some recordings next week its been raining this afternoon and my allergies are acting up. And my fun four eleven hour shifts start tomorrow so hardly anytime for practice.

And its funny listening to my voice doesn't bother me like my old male voice did. Whenever I heard it I wanted to stab my eardrums out!

As for the before pictures I'll have to think about that not really sure.

[Jessie Ann]

However a lot of credit needs to be given to everyone on this forum. Otherwise I have no idea what I'd be doing at this point in my life.

This is such a wonderful place full of people who have incredible experience who are willing to share with us. I too don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this forum.  The people here have helped me in so many ways and some have become real life friends. The shared experiences found here make me feel so normal and made me realize that if all of these other people can make transition work so can I.

Keep up the great job girl you have so many people rooting for your success.

[noah732]

Dear Raven,

What you have written makes me wonder if your experience is similar to mine.

I am very young and I have done nothing major in terms of transition. I am not going to pretend to be more experienced than I am, but your post reminds me of myself, so I thought I might be able to help.

I am a trans guy.

Getting myself to become comfortable with the idea of living as the opposite sex was a lot like getting a manual drive vehicle going — I had to push through with herculean effort before finally getting my mind/heart to run smoothly. Initially, the only thing I knew was that I did not feel like a female. This was beyond feeling masculine; I had realized that I saw myself in the mirror as a male rather than a female. This is important, and this is the first thing you need to understand. You need to have some sort of reason like this backing up your desire to transition, some grounded truth you are certain of which you can look to when you feel unsure of things.

My transition started with a haircut. At the time, it seemed like the biggest deal in the world, and when I finally saw myself in the mirror with my new do', my heart sank. It may sound silly, but I cried a little bit that night for my hair. It was a symbol of the path I was about to go down, and I was so uncertain. I felt utter despair not knowing what I wanted, not being able to tell if I was going to regret it or not, I felt grief, and most of all, I felt guilt — for putting to rest the girl my friends and family had known for so long. I started passing as male immediately. However, all the male pronouns and the 'sir's and the 'buddy's actually made me feel a whole lot worse. It made me feel even more guilty, and the whole time I felt like I was making some sort of commitment to a very difficult and risky trek. I eventually reached a place where I was determined to end my own life.

What saved my life was coming out to two amazing, accepting friends who are very dear to me. They treated me like a male and referred to me as male with no slip-ups. I may not have been sure that I was a guy, but to them it was an unquestionable truth, and this is what gave me the confidence I needed to look at my situation with clarity. This is the second thing you need to understand. If you are not in a place of security, in which the environment surrounding you has transitioned with you, it is very likely you will emotionally distort your conclusions. I cannot emphasize enough the unbelievable difference between having people who have faith in your transition and lacking that necessity. I am finally at a place where I am completely optimistic about transitioning to male. I know my life is going to be great and I know that this is what I want.

The third and final thing that you need to know is that if you are a sentimental person, as I am, you may be simply undergoing temporary grief. Your transition has suddenly thrusted you into uncharted territory, which can make you feel alone, terrified, and longing for your past. It can also be discouraging to feel surrounded by trans people who appear so much more confident than yourself in their choices, but I believe some people are just more prone to craving familiarity than others.

I hope this was of some help to you.

Best Of Luck,
-N





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[MsMarlo]

Hey there Raven.  Sorry to hear what you are going through, but you'll get through it.  If it were easy, everyone would be transitioning; it is the pain that somehow eventually makes us stronger.

I know there have been several replies to you initial and subsequent posts, and I wish that had read it sooner.  Just step back, take a deep breath, and assess, reassessing if you have to.  Kids are going to be kids thanks to the upbringing so many of them have in this so called modern age.  The little rat bastards could use a lesson or two in manners albeit it there are SOME that mind very well.

If and when someone calls you "sir". try and take it in stride.  Just respond with something like "Sweetie, you don't have to call me sir" or "honey, don't you think that I'm past the 'sir' stage?"  Put them on the spot and watch how fast YOU control the conversation or situation.  You'll find that you'll eventually have some fun doing so.  Don't be confrontational, and whatever you say say with a smile. 

You are a trans woman, so by default you a a strong person.  You know that we are all in your corner. 

[Sharon Anne McC]

*

Raven:

Yes, all your writing experience at school was for a purpose - these posts, if nothing else - teaching your experiences to those who follow.  That's worth more than its weight in platinum.

Write.  Write some more.  Write some more again.  Writing is good therapy on its own.  Writing forces you to put your thoughts into concrete logic and re-examine yourself when you read what you wrote.  I have probably written thousands of pages and expect to write a thousand more.  I'm still learning at age 59.

Keep writing here.  I have been enjoying reading your introspective posts and the others who post great comments in reply.

Allow me to share a serious consideration as I begin.  This opening comment can help if you (or others) have any newbie doubts.  The medical term 'phantom limb syndrome' refers to when the body persists sensing the absence of a  lost body part.  I was recently at a message board with other post-op M-F sharing comments when one member asked about phantom limb and their now-missing male 'member'.  No one at that board reported any phantom experience except as maybe a very brief, transitory experience that was soon gone; no one sensed any loss, but rather all declared a gain.  I presented that question to my TS group two weeks ago.  Likewise, no one declared any phantom feeling; it did bring out a few chuckles at the very thought that a M-F would have those feelings.  Okay, M-F post-ops at a message board and a small group at a TS meeting is hardly scientific.  The point I am setting forth is that a M-F true transsexual will NOT report that loss of anatomy the way a male will.  You are still early in your transition, Raven, and your GCS / SRS is a future concept.  If you (or anyone else reading this) suspects the potential for loss and phantom syndrome, then you will need spirit-searching and discussion with your gender counsellor to assure yourself of your future.

I hope that you are sure of your next move - your court hearing for your name change.  Some jurisdictions provide that you include changing your sex identification on your legal documents - most notably and practically your first change will be your drivers licence.  Request a letter from your counsellor or physician for just in case purposes.  Social Security Administration will also change your name and sex in your file - they require a specifically-worded medical statement (see:  SSA regulation 'RM 10212.200' or at my web-site).  If you do not change your SSA record, then SSA will issue a discrepancy report to your employer which can take multiple trips to a SSA office to resolve; I first changed my SSA file in September 1978 and this year alone I had to go to SSA at least a half-dozen times within one month to re-correct their erroneous reversions of my file.  AGH!  Your complete legal change of name and sex will also allow you to get your new / revised US Passport in your new name and as female.  IRS can deny paying your income tax refunds if your name and sex do not match.  Medical services can be denied or insurance coverage not paid if your sex does not match - meaning that your presenting sex (female) must match your legalised sex (female).  I am writing this to you from my own personal experiences.

Allow me to tell you about people calling you your 'dead name' (I kinda like that term for your male predecessor name) versus calling you Raven (your female name).  Some people see their change as the 'death' of the 'before' person and the 'birth' of their 'after' person.  My family rejected me - totally.  But I give credit to my dad despite that he NEVER called me Sharon, my chosen name, and failed to use female pronouns because he could not do that.  It was not in him and he was honest about that.  On the other hand, other family - immediate and extended - called me Sharon and used female pronouns.  Should that not have made me feel good?  NO!  They did that in their derision, not their acceptance; the more they did it, the more they hoped they could demean me.  I preferred they would not have bothered.  Their efforts mattered little since they chose to break off all contact with me.  My loss is my gain.

Let me tell you more about 'dead name'.  My immediate family (father, mother, sister) and I lived geographically distant from each other by the time I began my true transition (1979).  The closest of the three was my father, about a two hours drive, once I made it past post-op and female full-time (1985).  He came to visit me several times each year, but he would not allow me to visit him; I did not know why until years later.  Meanwhile, my sister and I resided approximately 1.000 miles distant and my mother resided approximately 2.000 miles distant; neither locations were easy travelling though I went to my sister first upon my full-time and forever status.  She was cold to me.

I went to manage my dad's home and property after he died (1989) and that is how I learned why he did not want me to visit him.  The neighbours approached me and expressed their remorse how sad it was that first his son died so young and then the father died - that I must be the grieving daughter / sister.  I caught their cue and played along - it was easier than trying to explain the truth.

It was not that my father considered me 'dead' - as when someone says in rejection, 'You are dead to me.'  No, my father in his complicated un-acceptance found it better in his environment to tell his friends and neighbours that Nick, his 'son' and my male predecessor, was deceased and that my dad not allow me to visit him at his home for fear of his charade failing if someone saw me and identified me as my male predecessor.  I found it amazing that none of his neighbours recognised me in 1989 - most strange since I personally knew many of them myself when I resided with my dad as a teen / young adult at that residence (1973 - 1977).  Again, I was someone who appeared familiar to them yet they apparently had no concept to think that this woman in their presence was my male predecessor.  It is another example of something I posted in my web-site how people who may have known me in our past did not recognise me in our present - in my post-op full-time female presence.  They may have sensed some recognition or familiarity of my appearance, but they were not thinking that my male predecessor had a sex change and was now this woman in their midst.  Nope.  Their perception was me as the grieving daughter / sister.

Long story short, consider the circumstances when someone uses your 'dead name' versus someone who uses Raven, your female name.  Someone using your 'dead name' may be making an honest mistake from habit while the other instance can be awkward or worse.  Bear in mind that you have known your own self longer than they have known you in either presence and it may simply be habit to use your 'dead name'.  I put thought into this for myself and allow this explanation.  No friend in my current life knows that I had a male predecessor.  If someone from my past (family or friend) came along and called me 'Nick' absent their negative connotation, then I might actually find it amusing or cute and bring up old times.

Good for you, Raven, deciding to have gone in full-time and remained with it - without ERT as well.  That takes an amazing force of personal strength.  I admire those who go directly to full-time transition because I know how much more difficult it is than entering as part-time transition.  Allow me to add that I am inter-sex female.  Some asked that it should have been easier for me with my innate goal as female.  Nope.  Despite my intimate anatomical mix-up and internal imperative, I had to deal with the outward external change same as any other M-F transsexual - the paperwork, the people, the employment, the schools, the legalities, the medical teams.  For my self and my decision-making, it was to my better situation to go part-time.  The biggest regret of my part-timing was when I failed to grasp that opportunity to change to female at work (where I was a federal government employee) once my supervisor began action to fire me for being transsexual; she had it backwards, she thought I was a female working as a male, and I still get a chuckle from her mis-identification.  She still might have continued firing me but at least I would have made my point.  In fact, I might have won the issue because a higher-grade employee of my agency working at Washington, DC, began her M-F transition at work late during my administrative process when that agency was firing me.  I could have argued that it was illogical to fire me while openly accepting the other employee.

You are so correct when asking for honest criticism.  Those who tell you everything is fine when everything is so wrong are not doing any favours for you.  Some mistakenly consider they are being polite, but they are not.  It is critical that your contacts, friends, co-workers provide accurate feedback so that you can improve.  Find friends who give honest advice and stay with them.  This is where a trans group should be better than other circumstances.

Work uniform attire is frequently male attire that both men and women wear - none flattering to female sensibility and there is little you can do about it when orders come from on high at a distant corporate office.  I am glad to read that work is doing well now.

You are correct about your comment about your own personal female attire.  One gender counsellor advised me to wear the most feminine clothes as possible for my style - that doing so would bring out the feminine in me.  It worked well.  I'm now past that mode.  Nowadays, I can wear jeans, a top, and no male-up and none mis-gender me; then I enjoy times getting 'dolled up' just the same when I want to do that mode for special occasions.  You will find your comfort zone.  Agreed; skirts and dresses are so much more comfortable during Summer heat.

I learned along my transition that this is a kind of triage:  some will be approving, some will be non-committal, and others will be oppositional.  Be thankfull for the approving - they are keepers; work on the non-committed - you might find a new friend; accept those who deny you because you are the better person who can accept them in the face of their rejection.

There are two women at my medical clinic who are quite friendly with me and welcome me when I conduct business at their departments.  They find ways to break from their work, talk with me, and ask honest questions to learn about the transsexual experience.  We discussed body hair the last time I spoke with one.  She told me that she is so jealous how my profuse male body hair feminised after a couple years on ERT; I have not shaved anything anywhere in nearly 30 years, yet she says she must shave her arms and legs almost daily.  Yes, I feel so sorry for her (and other females') predicament. 

I am so happy for you that your life is improving.  Okay, I'll accept credit as part of this board, but the credit is all yours.  You made the tough decisions all in less than one month and are doing well full-time.  Your transition should be successfull at this rate.  In comparison, when I turned age 26 (1982), I was still part-time, in the middle of my core transition years, and had no idea when I could make it to full-time (my full-time forever would wait three more years).

Allow my recommendation for you to shop at charity re-sellers such as Goodwill or Salvation Army.  They have good merchandise for good bargains; Goodwill holds half-price Saturdays every other week.  They are also a good resting place for you to deliver your 'dead name' wardrobe and accessories that you no longer need - a way for you to complete re-doing your household.

You recognised the niceties of others who unquestionably accept you as female - such as that man who let you in the aisle.  Their actions will re-inforce your transition efforts.  You'd be surprised how men respond positively when a woman returns the favour; give that a try for your own ego boost.  You might make good conversation at the check-out line or maybe even make a new friend with your smile.

Pictures?  I suppose that I awoke following 30 years as a Rip van Winkle and became daring.  You can see my 'before' and 'after' photographs at my web-site.  My  mind's eye sees my current self closer to my 20-years old 'before' self than the interim picture when my facial hair hit just before ERT.  My faux 'male' puberty began late (20s) and all I got was that facial hair that required electrolysis to clear.

Write your next book; I will take pleasure reading it.

Enjoy! and HUGGSS.

*

[RavenL]

I'm at work right now so not going to write alot. But Sharon you brought up something I dint know. With changing the Ssn I dint know I'd need a letter from a doctor or physician which at the moment I don't have. So I don't know where to go at this point  since my court date is less then three weeks from now. so I'm not sure how to find a doctor and get this fixed in such a short period.

Edit I've went over the post again and did some reading. Now this is why you shouldn't read stuff super quick. And why you should dig for information I wasn't thinking I could change my sex with social security without srs and the reason is stupid since I looked at out dated info. So I am still going to be able to change my name but I am still going to see if I can get an appointment with a doctor possibly. If worse comes to worse I'll just wait till my endo appointment.

I'll write more when I get home


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[RavenL]

Alright time for my next book or not. Just got off work so kind of worn down from eleven hours. Lets see where this goes shall we?

Jessie I totally agree with you and its nice just having a place to talk.

Noah, what a great post you made! Having friends around that support you does help or even coworkers for that matter. Little by little I'm building a big list of friends and I'm starting to feel accepted. Sure I might have lost a few but they were never true friends then were they? Also I feel like my work at least today really started clicking with me. Anytime over the my radio I got called ma'am and had male coworkers put more effort into holding the door open for me. Also more then a few workers offered to help me out with things today. Another guy that I used to talk to pretty much every night about stuff kind of dropped off for about three weeks talking to me. And tonight all the sudden we started talking about Star Wars. So at least for tonight I felt super comfortable where I was at.

As for being sentimental I'm not going to argue on that point. And that's something I realized that's important that I left out of my previous posts. The I guess you could call it sadness or despair of you want kind of hit me when I started watching clips of cartoons that I watched when I was 11-12. That was kind of the last time I was happy before puberty did its nasty thing on me. So I guess that really brought up those memories of a carefree life. So that might have had something to do with it. But I won't dwell on the past I need to push forward.

Again Noah that was a great post and really hits home for me. Thanks for sharing your experience!

MsMarlo, I agree on the kids part and some needing to learn manners. But at least tonight at work I had more then a few polite ones so there is hope!

As for the sir I'm not worried about it anylonger and will just take it with a smile as you said.

Sharon, that is one awesome post you have written!

I'm glad you enjoy my writing as I have yours. And I agree it really does help clear the thoughts out. So I'm trying to make it my goal to write every day rather then sit in front of the TV for an hour at night.

For the phantom limb and SRS in general. I really don't have any reservations or worries about phantom limb. As of right now if the bits were chopped off at this moment I really won't care. At the current time the only way I know things are still working is when its awake in the morning and rest of the time it knows I hate it. So I really don't see having any issues with phantom limb or SRS in general  at least at this time. I mean I've always always considered the parts ugly and even when I was five years old thought why do I have these weird things? I do plan to get SRS and like you said that is way in the future. I did confuse one friend when she did ask me about it wondering if I was going to look forward to having sex as a female. I replied "Not even, since I'm asexual." She had a really hard time understanding why I'd even bother if I wasn't going to use it. I did my best to tell her its so I feel fully female. Its funny sometimes I think people are more confused about me being asexual then transgender.   

As for being sure of the name change yes I am completely. I have pretty much everything ready to go at this point. My name change has been put in the paper and I have the affidavit to go with it. I just need to speak with a clerk next week to clarify a few details and make some copies of documents. I've already gotten three signed letters from my therapist that in his opinion I do identify as female and its the best course of life for me. So that end is covered for me. The drivers license at least for here in New Mexico is super easy all I need is a form signed by a doctor, physician or therapist that I identify as female to get the gender changed. I'm actually going to have my therapist go ahead and sign the papers this week since the next few weeks are going to be busy.

Now on to SSA. as you can tell in the previous post in the edit I did I went way to fast reading your post. I thought I wouldn't be able to change my name with another note from a doctor or physician. And realized that's just for the sex part. And like I said the information I came across last month was outdated and thought I'd have to have SRS to get SSA to change my gender so I never looked farther. Now that I realize I can and most likely won't be able to in such a short amount of time its not a big deal for me. Yes I might have my gender listed on my SSN as male but oh well. I've never had a passport and I'm planning to leave the country anytime soon yet so that's no big deal at the moment. And really just to get my name and drivers license changed is alright for me. So I believe I can deal with have myself listed as an M with the SSA for a few months while I find a doctor or wait for the endo.

And the story about your father is really really sad I really don't know what to say. But as for the old name I got it three times today and it was corrected by the first person really quickly. Second time was by one person I've know for awhile and he hasn't been around me hardly since I went full time. We always joked with each other and I just looked at him and said "Do you think that name really fits me?" I told him it was no big deal and took it in good humor as he did with me.

I would write more but my eyes are starting to grow kind of heavy now. And I really don't care to fall asleep on my keyboard. Sharon again that is a wonderful post and appreciate the advice you have given.

Oh one final thing I got called ma'am six times today, that made me super happy!

[Sharon Anne McC]

*
Raven:

Let me be certain with you to be correct.  You can change your name at SSA without any medical statement - your affirmation to your court order should be sufficient for your name change.

SSA allows four alternative options to change your sex identification at SSA (see:  'RM 10212.200' - it is also posted at my web-site).  If you can include your court order to change your sex designation (at SSA, MVD, all legal documents, etc.), then add that and be done with it.  I seem to read in your post that you have that done (your therapist letters).  Otherwise, SSA requires at least one of the following three other options to change your sex designation on your SSA file:

   (1) a specifically-worded medical statement,

   (2) a changed birth certificate with your new name and sex as female, or

   (3) a permanent US Passport with your new name and sex as female.

You write that you lack the latter two elements.  Thus, the easiest is to add the sex designation change to your court petition.  You can ask your current therapist to write the medical letter; if that works, you can add that therapist statement as further evidence for your court order seeking legal name change and sex change.  You appear all set and done for both; good for you.  Then take your certified copy of your court order of name change and sex change to SSA.  They will make a copy for their records and return the original to you.  Be certain your SSA agent provides a SSA letter to you confirming your name change and sex change - be certain their SSA confirmation letter specifies your new name and your sex as female (see my web-site page for that specific SSA letter).

SSA required me to go to court in 2007 to obtain a new court order for them to correct their error when they reverted my 1978 record (Sharon and female) to my male predecessor name and sex - they required my action to fix their mistake.  Arizona made it easy at that time.  They processed those changes through the county Superior Court's 'Self Help' center - no lawyers needed - all same-day service.  These centers provide attourneys who help petitioners complete check-form court petitions.  In 2007, they sent me to the clerk's office to pay a small fee, wait my turn at the court room for a few minutes while the judge reviewed my papers, she called me to come forward, I submitted additional documents to the judge, she asked me to make a sworn statement, and she issued my 2007 court order on the spot.  I was so relieved.  It remains the same procedure nowadays except the court fee is 10 times more.  New Mexico has its own way.  (You can see on my web-site Arizona's simple court paper to change my name and sex that SSA accepts as well as my endocrinologist's letter.)

If there is an SSA office near you, then you would do no harm going there and obtaining a review of your prospective court papers to be certain it will satisfy SSA, otherwise SSA can reject that court document and require you to obtain something different for them.  I am writing this because SSA put me through the wringer beginning January this year when I went to them to investigate possible identity theft following a burglary at my home last year.  I encountered several intransigent SSA agents for seven months as I worked to re-submit the exact same legal and medical documents they already had in my file, as well as new documents, but required me to re-submit again.

Raven, I do not know when there might have been an actual GCS / SRS requirement in previous SSA regulations.  Times were different when I made my original SSA change.  I merely wrote a letter to SSA, mentioned my medical record with my Gallup doctor, and explained that I was proceeding with my transition to female.  SSA sent an application paper for me to complete my new name and to select female as sex.  I received my new SSA card a few weeks later (September 1978).  I was ecstatic!  I remember it as if it were happening again right now.  This was the first big move on my way to forever female.

The US Passport agency does NOT require GCS / SRS to obtain your passport in you new name and as female.  Then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton eliminated that requirement for practicality purposes.  Not all M-F go through GCS / SRS; few F-M do any more than top surgery. That prior requirement for surgery was a far more oppressive obligation against M-F because F-M were not required to have any surgery.  I recently decided to obtain a new passport.  I went to the passport agency with all my documents.  They told me they will accept my medical letters written for SSA and my 2007 court petition for name and sex change.   I am awaiting my birth certificate - or whatever the state will issue.  I requested it a decade ago as part of what I was trying to do to comply with that SSA mix-up a decade ago.  The state sent a form letter to me that my 'record was sealed', that I was 'not authorised' to receive my original birth certificate, and the craziest of all, 'your record does not exist'.  I am trying again and I made a connection direct to a vital records agent to resolve this matter.  Perhaps they are more agreeable when I mentioned my request is for my passport.  The passport office told me that if the vital records office refuses to issue my birth certificate no matter what their excuse, then the passport agency has the legal authority to obligate the state / county / city to issue my document to me to complete my passport request.  This is an interesting twist for anyone out there reading this who is an adoptee who is being denied their biological birth record.

Raven, I am glad that I helpt you understand that there are many ramifications of your name change but that you will endure many obstacles if you omit legally changing your sex designation - such as for MVD, health care, health insurance, taxes and tax refunds, etc.

You want to know another level of euphoria?  When you have your legal sex changed to female, you go to your medical appointments as female, and your medical chart now starts identifying you as female.  That will be a major boost to your confidence.  You might even want to frame your first female appointment documents and put them on your wall.  Since your chart will show female, your intake nurses will ask for your 'last period' and your 'gravida' and 'para' status (pregnancies and term births); they will ask these questions to you from now on.  Be fair to the intake nurses who may not know; savor the moment they ask you even though you must tell them you are transsexual.

You will go to mammogram screenings; their intake forms will also ask for your LMP and your gravida and para status; those questions will be pleasing to you mentally.  You will note transsexual.  Don't be afraid of mammograms, they do not hurt.  You will probably get your first perhaps one year on ERT as a baseline.  Monthly self-exam may be fun but it is also serious; cancer kills.  Christine Jorgensen died with breast cancer in 1989.

Raven, I enjoyed reading your post where you commented about your 'Star Wars' friend coming back to you.  He will help you and your self-confidence.  Allow another 'dad story'.  When I first presented my female self to my dad, I told him quite literally, 'We can still watch Sunday football together.'  He and I watched Sunday NFL while I was growing up and into adulthood while living as a 'male' at his household; it was among the few things we ever did together in good spirits.  I said what I said because I suspected that he would think that now that I am female I would hate football - as if some magic wand came over me and said, 'Thou ist now female, thou shalt now hate Sunday football.'  In other words, I wanted to re-assure my dad that I am the same person under that new skin though my body to him was changed.  Hopefully your 'Star Wars' friends will realise that you are still the same as your 'dead name' person with much the same interests, only now you have a different exterior 'skin'.

You are well to embrace your sentimentality and make it work for you.  Some people connect this as self-hypnosis.  If watching your favourite cartoon sparks good memories, then focus on your positive memorable events.  These experiences will rejuvenate you.  I am musically-inclined, so I will find a song or composition, listen to it, focus on it, recollect upon the good memories, and find the experience refreshing to my soul.  If I want to cry, then I cry.  If I want to laugh, then I laugh.  I re-experience what happened in my past as if it re-occurred now - much the way self-hypnosis brings your past experiences to your present; I call it 'time travel'.

Thank you, Raven, for comprehending the phantom limb explanation.  This is another important element to determine for yourself to what extent you meet the definition as 'true transsexual'.  There is no going back - no reversal operation once you have GCS / SRS.  No counsellor, no family, no friend, no message board post can tell you what to do.  Your progress and your decisions are ultimately your own.  That you are confident with your perception is a good sign that you understand your future decision - no matter how many years in the future any GCS / SRS it may be.  What you wrote is consistent with M-F true transsexualism - your abhorrence of your male anatomy - and you will discuss this with your counsellor or gender identity therapist.

Raven, allow me to add something that I studied about M-F transsexuals in medical school (early 1980s); these facts seem to sustain in today's environment.  There are primarily two opposite forms of M-F true transsexualism (though life experiences are more complex than these two extremes):

   -  (1)  the male who has hated his anatomy since first awareness; this male frequently lives a celibate / asexual life and may even reject all masculine activities. 

   -  (2)  the 'super macho man' male who suppresses his female-hood by being the high school / college stud, playing all the masculine sports, serial-dating many girlfriends (the trophy is the cheerleader), enlisting in the military, marrying young, marrying frequently, fathering many children to prove his manhood, buying then discarding female wardrobes.

You seem to be an example of the first category.  Caitlyn Jenner appears to be a good example of the second category.  The second category really puzzles people because they presume that such a macho man would be a 'real' man; yet inside, that male is doing everything taught to him to suppress his female identity - suppressing your female identity does NOT work regardless of category.  I, too, was a first category type; I hated all the maleness of my anatomy and wanted it all gone.  When doctors confirmed inter-sex (1982), it made me even more hatefull why I got stuck with what appeared 'male' but was mal-formed female; confirmation legitimised my life of feminine protesting.  Also, Raven, there is nothing wrong obtaining the GCS / SRS and being asexual.  The surgery is about your anatomical self, not your dalliances with partners.  Again you quite well comprehend your true transsexualism versus your affinity (homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual, asexual, etc.).  It seems most lay people still confuse transsexualism with one's sexual activity.  It is why I disagree lumping transsexual with 'LGB' because we are not that, we are a different concept.

Thank you for your sentiment about my dad.  We had a difficult relationship.  He adopted me to be his family's male heir, but I became his younger daughter instead.  As I wrote, my entire immediate and extended family knew what was coming since I had been actively feminine protesting since age 3 - 'I AM a girl!  You can't make me be a boy!' sort of outbursts and arguments that usually followed with a beating; the family rejected me when my actual change became fait d'accompli (1985).  I never bothered telling the details to my parents when they were alive.  I told my older sister all the details last year - nearly one year ago, in fact - my legal work, my operations, my transition.  I wanted to invite her into my 2015 up-coming celebrations marking 35 years legally Sharon and female and 30 years completed transition to Sharon and female forever.  Instead, she sent an e-mail telling me that she never wanted to hear from me again.  Oh well.

It is good to read that your work-mates are making strides using your new name.  Even the best can make the occasional slip so it is good to read that you take those mistakes with good humour.  Gawd, it does feel good being called 'Ma'am', doesn't it!  I recall getting that euphoria when I was age 26 and it still feels special at age 59.  Raven, keep that feeling in your heart and never let it go.
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PS:  Raven, I have no home Internet.  I usually have access at the Public Library and a local grocery store's free wif-fi at their outside patio.  I will browse your post thread for your up-dates as often as I can to be certain all remains well for you.
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PPS:  If you are comfortable, please tell me where you live - geographically at least - to give a mental image.  I lived at Ramah (an hour's drive South of Gallup on Route 53) and taught at Pinehill High School.  I was familiar with all but the area South of I-40 and East of I-25.  I have thought of moving to either Silver City or Las Cruces.
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Enjoy! and HUGGSS
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[RavenL]

Thanks again Sharon for your advice. Not going to write a lot here as I'm getting ready for work this morning. But I'm trying to get my head around the gender change with SSA.

I've dug and dug looking online for the court order for gender change for New Mexico I'm near Albuquerque by the way. And all I can come up with is they don't have forms for gender change . And Googling has given me zero results as far as I can find. And all that comes up is info for changing my driver licenses. So right now I'm planning to go to the courthouse this Wednesday and trying to figure this one out. Along with as you suggested to the SSA to see if my current documents will see what they say. The one thing that does worry me at the moment is how the SSA guidelines for medical is worded in RM 10212.200. As my therapist only holds an MA and LLCP. So I'm not sure if that would pass with the SSA or not?

Anyway that's all I have time for at the moment. I need to finish getting ready and will try to respond to more of your post in fourteen hours.

edit got ready quicker then I thought

So I've done a little more digging around and still can't find any info on getting the court order for gender change at all. Everything that comes up is either for name change or like I said for the driver license At least for the MVD they don't care for a court order for gender change just for the name change. A signed statement by my therapist is enough to please them. He offered to sign it a few weeks ago and I actually turned him down. Since I doubt anyone cares to go to the MVD more then they have to!

Digging  around on my courts website I do have to have two separate hearings. But still can't find any documents or anything on how to go about it. I might just have myself confused right now but here is what I do have and the facts going to make this quick.

Like I said my therapist just holds a MA and LLCP. And what I have right now from him is a to whom it may concern stating that in his professional opinion I do identify as female. If you want I can even PM it to you later on tonight. But I can possibly see if you can write another one on the medical side of things.

I am going to have my court order for name change most likely on September 9th if all goes alright. And like I said the gender change has to be filed differently but they don't have the forms and I will look into that Wednesday so google is giving me no help right now.

That's all for right now

[Sharon Anne McC]

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Raven:

You mention that your therapist wrote a document to be submitted as evidence to your name change - that his report concludes you as female.  Include that fact to your court petition - your gender is female and your therapist letter documents that to be true.  That legal declaration is what should satisfy SSA.  Item #3 states that:

   -  'Court order directing legal recognition of change of sex'

Arizona has no specific sex change element in its petition forms - the law is 'silent' on this aspect meaning that the petitioner includes it on our own and makes our declaration - it is not prohibited.  The judge affirms our declaration supported by evidence of our therapist / doctor.  The check box on the Arizona form is evidence to change the Birth Certificate - that includes sex assignment.  That is what I did again on my 2007 petition.  My SSA office accepted both my 2007 court order and my doctor / endo statement.  I spent about six total hours on two different days at the Maricopa County 'Self Help' center recently to also address this sex change element.  The lawyers agreed that it is inferred in Arizona law that changing the Birth Certificate includes changing the sex identification  This is 'silent' in the law which gives the judge the latitude to rule for your favour.  That is what you will do with your petition.  (I think I am writing a circular statement here in my eagerness to get this post to you.)

Raven, you will not need to worry about a separate medical statement when SSA accepts your legal court order that declares you to your female name and your female sex.  SSA requires only one of the four items, not all four.   SSA can't demand more than one from their list.  This is why I am focussing on your court order to document your name change and sex change.  When your court order affirms your name change and sex change, then you no longer need worry about your medical statement to SSA.

You are good, Raven, to ask SSA if your therapist's rating meets their definition.  If they agree it does, then your therapist's letter - written as SSA requires in the form SSA requires - should add as back-up to you court order.  If not, then ask for specifics how and why the qualifications do not meet SSA requirements.  Actually, I would guess from the form they gave to me, the medical statement probably must come from a degreed medical practitioner.  Again, this point about a medical letter is moot when you get your court order to declare you female.  That court affirmation is your priority.

Worst-case is that you will need to wait for your endo.  Another angle for right now could be your endo reviews and consults with your therapist and your endo writes the medical letter.

Good if you can get your drivers licence as female.  Go for it.  That little 'F' will do wonders for your psyche - it did for me.  I had a big grin for weeks, months even; it may have faded into some routine, but I can still recall my euphoria of that day I applied for my licence (scared as I was presenting as female to an MVD clerk who probably never dealt with such an application) and the day my first licence as Sharon and female came in the mail (overwhelmed in relief and joy and happiness and so many other senses).  I am still so amazed how well it went for me.  But as I posted, I come from a different era.  Processes - even accounting for different states - are probably quite different now though it seems the way you mention New Mexico is easy to assert female on your licence with your therapist's approval.

I must be charmed.  I can hardly ever recall a bad experience at MVD - I have lived at many states and went to many different state MVD offices and none disappointed me.  I have rarely had to wait long, most the clerks and agents have been quite helpfull, I have found surprises at some visits - including their own 'self-help' centers to quicken the process.

Raven, you asked about sending your therapist's letter to me to review.  Instead, let me know if you can you read on my web-site the letter my endo wrote, then it would seem easier for your endo to copy my endo's SSA letter (but need to make date adjustments), then you should be fine.  or I can e-mail / PM my endo's letter to you to copy.  I'm new at this site - let me know how to PM an attachment to you.  Is it sending an image?  How?

My endo's letter is not accurate but I only cared that she wrote whatever it took in her letter to get the job done at SSA; I offered to write the letter so that it would be 100% accurate, but she declined.  I am her first transsexual and have been guiding her through this.  I had a medical examination with my new primary this past Monday (17 Aug 15).  I asked her how many; she humourously counted on her fingers and said 'Seven'.  Anyway ...

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Okay, Raven.  Since you reside near Albuquerque that battle is easy - no long drives from Quemado.  Hee hee.  That was what I was hoping for because if you need to make repeated runs to SSA Albuquerque, then at least it's a commute and not a cross-country drive.  Be prepared to spend an entire day at SSA if it is same as Phoenix - long waiting time for your number to be called and being bounced from one agent to another

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[RavenL]

Well lets see how long I can type before falling asleep. If you don't mind Sharon I'm going to cover something on your second to last post that I wasn't able to touch on this morning and last night.

I'll freely admit I was wrong on having to get SRS for the gender change by court order. That was confusion on my part since somehow I crossed that with getting my birth certificate gender changed. Which will happen one day but I was born in Alabama so that should make things somewhat fun. Sometimes I'm too much of an information sponge and soak up more info then I  can process oh well.

Its funny you mention when I get my first appointment papers listing me as female and maybe hanging them up. As I've already considered even doing something along those lines with my name change once that's done. I even have the two newspapers with my name change notice and I'm trying to figure out something to do with them.

On the mammogram screenings that's something I've alreay been planning on. I know the risk for me is really low versus a cisfemale but there is that small chance. Plus I do have the specter of cancer hanging over me daily as that's what did kill my father. Not sure if its genetic or all the airplane fuel fumes he breathed in during the 1950's. Regardless I'm taking the issue very seriously at this point and one reason I've really been starting to watch my health.

Going back to the SRS angle now and phantom limb. As it stands right now I might possibly be able to get SRS within the next three to four years. I've already pretty much calculated out most of the expenses and started saving the amount every month now to reach my goal. I realize that yeah its a major life changing thing that pretty much means never going back to the old you. And while I can't put myself three or four years in the furture I know most likely right after having it done is perfectly normal to wonder what did I just do. I've done a lot of reading and know its a huge step and a lot to take care of for the first few months, year and really the rest of my life.

As for my abhorrence of my male anatomy here is something interesting. During my first few therapy appointments my therapist had me think as far back as I could to when my gender started becoming an issue. I came up with a few times when I was young. And being the over achiever that I am went home and for the next week while lying in bed went through my memories. But something interesting he said was months even years later I'd most likely remember other things about my gender being an issue. Well that happened when I spoke about me wondering why I had such ugly things between my legs. I hadn't thought about that since I was five years old and now almost twenty two years later I remember it. The mind is really interesting the way it works.     

As for the two category's of MtF's I won't argue the point that I fall within the first one. As the second one does not fit me at all since everything you listed I've never done in my life. But something interesting that I'm just thinking of and I kind of covered it with my therapist. He did ask me one day why now did my true self come out? At the time my answer was "Well I do study some medical things just as a hobby and I know now that research shows the brain isn't done developing to around my age. And maybe that's why its finally become an issue for me." I was happy with that answer at the time. But I believe I've covered some of this on another post.

Before this year kind of the middle of last year I was alright not great but dealing with things. I did feel off in someways but kind of stuck it in the back of my head. Now thinking back September 2014 was when things did start changing and I might have the reason. During my first job was at a JCPenney call center and I worked with pretty much 95% females all the time apart from like the other three guys counting me that were there. And I was super comfortable mostly around the older women. Now at my current job that I've been with since August 2011 I pretty much worked with females till last September when I transferred to the warehouse side, I work at WalMart by the way. Big difference everyone I worked with was male and well I didn't fit in at all. I replaced a female supervisor that stepped down since she pretty gave up trying to control really rowdy guys. And just to make it clear I have absolutely nothing against males at all. And a few of the guys were really nice towards me but the majority were hyper masculine macho types. And needless to say that world wasn't for me and even worse since rumors had been floating around that I was gay.

Then was when I started noticing that I didn't fit in and couldn't relate to them at all or males in general. I should note that throughout my life I've only had one guy that I would consider a friend otherwise all female. I mean when they would talk about females I'd just be standing there when I got asked what did I prefer. If one of them commented on a female worker/customer I just couldn't relate to it. Its hard to explain but I kind of started realizing the male world isn't for me. But I still tried to make it work for me and started having a few guys come over to my home every week or so to play video games or watch movies. This was in late October early November. And this is where things started to kind of change the first few times things were great but I still felt left out. I'd watch movies and play games with them but felt as if I couldn't relate to them. I'll admit I did have fun a few times but I found it draining on my emotions. It was January early February when things did start getting worse for me. My mind starting telling me hey something is wrong this isn't you! I didn't listen and started trying to force myself to be happy. This led to buying a lot of stuff I didn't need. Mostly action figures and older video games. Just so I could say I had them and so my friends could say how cool it was that I had them. But my mood started to darken and I was in a pretty much consent state of depression for six months to were I had people worried about me. Till I started figuring stuff out and well here I am.

I would like to reply to more points on your post but when I started typing it was Sunday and now its Monday and I need sleep. Thank you again Sharon!         

[Sharon Anne McC]

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Raven:

Thank you - I received your e-mail.

We'll worry about instructions later - as long as you can extract my endocrinologist's letter from  my web-site.

Check with your endo and ask if he and your therapist can combine notes to add to your civil petition to include getting your sex legally changed.  That will make all the difference.  You can use that everywhere - school, bank / credit union, MVD, IRS, credit cards, Passport, renting an apartment, buying a home - anywhere and everywhere you have your legal presence.  Whereas, the medical letter for SSA will only serve its purpose at SSA.  This is why I am trying to encourage you to do the court petition for both name and sex change because your court affirmation will go much farther than your SSA letter.

I will also try something in the meantime - I will try sending my endo letter as an attachment to reply to your e-mail and we'll see how that works.  Nope - when I clicked the link in your e-mail to me, it led to your post here at this site.  I do not mind sending my clear endo letter to you as long as it stays between you and your medical team - and does not go elsewhere.

Also - note that the receipt you want SSA to give to you will be the document you see dated 17 Jul 15 at my web-site.  The copy SSA gave to me has that smudgey black border, my name, and it clearly states 'record corrected to show her gender of a female'.  To be clear, I had to push SSA several times to get them to print that receipt for me - I had to repeatedly be insistent that I NEEDED / REQUIRED their letter identifying my SSA name and sex on that document.

See, Raven, my point was that I spent an accumulation of several days and tens of hours just this year alone going to the Phoenix SSA office and getting them to correct their error that they created.  You mention MVD aggravation - here is SSA aggravation.  In one week alone, I spent all day Wednesday at both the SSA and MediCare offices and received their assurances that my file was corrected to Sharon and female only to return two days later and spend all day Friday to find that both SSA and MC reverted my file back to male during those two elapsed days.  Why?  How?  Who?  SSA and MC refused to give any answers to me.  Both SSA and MC agents then told me to return the next Friday to determine if they held my corrected file to Sharon and female.  I spent another entire Friday waiting in line at  both SSA and MC checking with their agents to be certain that my file was still Sharon and female.  I'm guessing that the date of 17 Jul 15 was that second, follow-up Friday when SSA reluctantly printed my receipt with my name and female.  Hopefully, this reversion will not happen again, but when it does (note my lack of confidence), I then have their own receipt of what they were supposed to have done to correct their errors - for whatever that's worth.

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Raven, you mentioned getting your birth certificate changed.  It would do no harm enquiring what Alabama requires.  They may or may not require GCS / SRS.  Or if they, too, only require a medical letter (such as from your therapist or endocrinologist), then you could be home free with those letters.  Or maybe you can submit your court order that affirms your name change and sex change to female.  Again, that's the greater good of your civil petition - it goes far-reaching into everywhere you need.

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Allow this quick comparison that I had to deal with regarding my version of GCS / SRS.  I had little reluctance - no I had full self-assurance that I was doing the correct action for my self and my future.  In comparison, I pondered for days, weeks, months, and yes years whether to get single piercings of my ears so that I could wear earrings.  That may seem odd to some but not to me.  I was fully assured of my GCS and all its ramifications.  That procedure was quite necessary and totally natural.  On the other hand, though such a simple act, I needed serious consideration when it came to my pierced ears.  I eventually got my ears done - I don't remember - 1988 or 1989.  You and others in our predicament can comprehend this balance.

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You are doing well in your foresight planning your GCS / SRS.  There are many surgeons out there who are excellent and many who could be described as butchers.  Obviously you want to find the best you can.  This procedure is a one-shot deal - corrective surgery could be very complicated.

There was a surgeon or center at Albuquerque at one time in the past - if I am not mistaken.  So many come and go.  There was also the Dr. Stanley Biber clinic at Trinidad, Colorado.  Sadly, Dr. Biber is deceased.  The surgeon who took over his practice moved it to San Francisco.

There is a surgeon here at the Phoenix area.  he is quite expencive - nearly $40k for a first-stage operation plus another $10k for a required second-stage six months later.  This two-stage process has its own complications.  Ask yourself whether you really want it done in two stages.  This would require your first stage and recovery then your second stage six months later and more recovery.  You will be in either pre-op, peri-op, or post-op, and recovery for perhaps one year with his two-stage procedure.  Can you lose one year from all your life that way?  The single-stage is done and recovery is a few weeks immediately post-op plus light activities for another few months - all far less than that two-stage.

There are at least two highly recommended GCS / SRS centers at Thailand as among the literal best-in-the-world:  Chettawut (Chet) (for Dr. Chettawut Tulayapanich) and Preecha Aesthetic Institute (PAI).  Their entire packages of the surgery, recovery, accommodations, meals, transportation, incidentals can be well less than $15k.  These two centers apply different surgical philosophies.  It will do you well to learn and study what each does to further your understanding what process you will consider (they have their own web-site as a start).

You do not need a medical degree, Raven, but here you want to do everything you can to study anatomy and physiology to understand the anatomy of both male and female and the analogies of the systems - whether by taking an actual college course of at least by reading and studying medical books.  I had no difficulty finding these resources at the Gallup Public Library nearly 40 years ago so Albuquerque ought to be well-stocked.  You can also try attending medical seminars at a hospital or if UNM has a medical center.  These 'CME' classes are totally free but are limited to people with a medical interest - hey, you have one.  Education will help you decide what process and philosophy you prefer. I have come to know one M-F who went to Chet and one who went to PAI.  Each chose for her own specific preference of the clinic's philosophy and each are satisfied with her results.  Keep active at these and other boards where you can discuss your operation options with those who have actually gone to where you consider going.

You will be spending much time in introspection as you progress through your transition.  It is good for your soul to sort through your experiences and feelings.  Back to more writing if that helps you organise your thoughts.

Thank you, Raven, for continuing to share your personal history.  Sharing your self with others - especially strangers - can be difficult at times.  I hope you can feel comfortable around the people at this web-site.  As for you to me, I am very real and I've been through my process so I am very empathetic toward others - been there done that sort of experiences that I want to share with others - to impart my experiences and what I learned to make it easy for you in the next generation who will walk our well-worn path.  That is among the reasons I began my own web-site.

Raven, you can include me among those with whom you choose to share because I can understand your past as that self-abhorrant type with the added issue of anatomy that was not correct.  As one M-F recently put it, they were those horrid 'male dangley parts' that did not belong there according to our mind's eye.  That you recognise this self-hatred of your intimate anatomy is important; it is an outlook of the M-F true transsexual and it identifies your disconnect from your hated anatomy.  No male - straight or gay - wants to experience the loss of those 'male dangley parts' (oh, my spirit friend is gonna wish she copyrighted that phrase) whereas you, me, and others of our M-F true transsexual perspective can see nothing more than to eliminate them (no phantom syndrome) and the whole host of male characteristics:  facial hair, voice, muscles, body hair, bone structure, internal organs. 

You know that all too well.  You gathered with your male friends or co-workers and they talked guy stuff that carried no interest with you.  They talked about the prowess of their 'male dangley parts', their beards, their manly voice, their body-building physiques, and 'getting the girl' - those 'hyper masculine macho types'.  You went through those males' mis-comprehending that they considered you homosexual; they had no grasp of transsexual.  Same here - the first two years at one job the abusive whispers were that I was homosexual (but they used terms I will not repeat here).  Then when my supervisor exposed me as transsexual and began action to fire me for that, it was five years of 'She's a he.  No, he's a she.' because no one understood transsexualism.  Stay strong, Raven, you are the better person among those who might jeer at you. 

As an apparent 'male', you feel more comfortable among the company of other females; this is a good sign of your female socialisation process.  I likewise found solace with female friends as friends; they had no idea so they saw me as a dutifull male and reliable company who made no sexual pressures upon them.

We have so much in common.  I can remember my similar times when other males would talk of their 'achievements'; I felt more like the fly on the wall than a participant. 

I grew up with Jeff - our families were family friends from neighbourhood, church, school.  I frequently stayed at their home as almost a second home.  I stayed with Jeff at his home for a time after my dad and I returned from our two years at Greece.  During that time as Jeff and I were between 11th Grade and 12th Grade, Jeff would talk of his exploits in the dating world.  Meanwhile, I did not get it either - I couldn't grasp his male perspective though I took note in my blossoming female perspective.  I made excuses such as that I had to devote time to my schoolwork as my reason not being socially active in that way.  Between the end of 12th Grade and my first year of college, I again resided with Jeff and his family for an extended time during that Summer (1974).  It was back to Jeff telling me of his male achievements.

During my 12th Grade and into young adult life, I developed a best friend relationship with Clint.  He was little different than Jeff - all his talk of male exploits.  Maybe some were true - maybe some were puffery - it made no difference, I had no shared perspective.

Raven, you wrote, 'It's hard to explain' yet I know exactly what you experienced because I am among those of us who were there, too.  No doubt many else at this site.  We can all relate for those of us in that self-abhorrence category.  We have all been there done that and can quite well relate.  I knew it made no sense when I heard whispers behind my back calling me homosexual.  I never was homosexual and I always knew the difference between gender identity and sexual attraction because my case was that pesky, ever-present feminine protesting - 'I AM a girl!  I am NOT a boy!' since at least age three - that is clear evidence of gender identity disorder.  The failed anatomy added to my distress.  When my doctors resolved my inter-sex by exploratory shortly into transition, eventually everything made more sense retrospectively.

*

Allow me to write, Raven, that during these past few days you have become more confident about your self and your goals.  Your words are of planning and action, not words of a dark mood or depression.  Fabulous!!!  You may not want to re-read your first posts to see where you started.  Your later posts and communications are self-assured - that's what you want.

*

Take Care - Enjoy! - Huggss

*

[RavenL]

Sharon, the bad thing is I haven't had an appointment with my endo let alone meet her yet. I went ahead and scheduled my appointment last month and the soonest she has available is November 4. I've looked around and  the next closet endo is in Santa Fe with the same wait time plus a hundred mile round trip. So right now all I can really do is wait it out at the moment.

And don't worry I'm planning on doing the court petition for the gender change. I'm running over to the courthouse Wednesday to ask them in person what I need to do.

As for the birth certificate as Alabama's law requires right now they would only change it after SRS. And unlike some states they make a note on the certificate that at time I was male But who knows the world is changing really quickly and a few years down the road it might change hopefully.

Its funny you bring up pondering on getting your ears pierced and not worrying about SRS. As of right now I'm kind of the same way. I know what I want at least at this point and time. And think time to time about getting my ears pierced but for whatever reason I'm worried that it will hurt. But on the other hand I have no issue with the unwanted things cut off and gone.

As for the SRS itself from what I've researched most likely I will go with one of the Thai surgeons as it seems they do the best work. I have no desire to have a two stage operation and would prefer to have it done once and done right the first time.   

As for studying everything I can on anatomy and physiology. I've been trying to get back into that habit when I was younger I'd pick up medical books for fun. Its just at the moment my life is kind of going a million miles an hour with everything that's going on. But hopefully once I finally get some stuff straightened out I'll have more free time. I mean still trying to redo my home. Starting buying stuff tot redecorate just need to figure out where to put it. Plus looking at painting once the weather cools down and don't get me started on my yard. And the other thing while it might seem small I am having to build an entire new wardrobe. While I have plenty of warm weather clothes at this point I am now having to build my winter set. Plus I have been trying to go out with a friend at least once a week if our schedules work. But hopefully by mid next month or early October I can finally start pursing other things.

As for sharing my story you are welcome and its no big deal for me to share it with strangers. Like I've said I'm happy to help people out and if just one person gets courage from my writings it makes it all worth it.

I need to wrap this up before I get ready for work or I'll be late. Working in diary all day today so I get to wear my nice comfy boots and jacket

I do want to touch on my writing now versus last week when I made the first post. Yes there is a huge difference between me now versus me then. Writing everything out has helped me greatly and as I told one friend I still have the bad habit of keeping my emotions bottled up. Something I started when I was thirteen or fourteen before then I could cry really easily. Then started telling myself no its not how I should act. But now if something does bother me  I realize now I can't hold it back or I'll get to the spot where I was last week something I don't want again. And while my therapist appointments are helping me out they are only an hour a week. So I can only get so many feelings and thoughts out in that amount of time. But with the writing I can really explore what I am thinking and feeling for almost an hour each day now. And its really helped me set my mind towards what goals I want in my life. 

[RavenL]

Another book if anyone cares to read my ramblings. Didn't have much time the past couple of days to do anything apart from work.

This week has been different really to say the least. I haven't received any weird looks from anyone. And even the dreaded looks from children I never saw or picked up on. Just one little girl in the shopping basket got all excited as I walked by saying "Daddy looks is that mommy?" That did bring a smile to my face. I did get another child that told his dad "Dad, that's a really tall girl." Being tall doesn't bother me at all and I wear three inch heels and own it. And had another gentleman tell me excuse me ma'am which is another plus. And something I never had happened to me before. As part of my job everyday I count almost all of the outs we have on the grocery side of the building. And as I'm counting I have a lady touch me on my arm and ask for help. In four years I've never had that happen before. But have seen postings on here that females touch other females much more then males. And one last thing I was watching a truck getting unloaded, its policy a manager has to be present. And the delivery guy comes out real quick sir and looks at me and changes it to ma'am right after he gets the r out. So this entire time this week I didn't get misgendered at all.

Another nice thing another guy I've known for four years stopped talking to me after my transition. I mean he would still talk to me but since I am his boss he kind of has to. But I ended up working with him yesterday to fix his diary department. And we actually just acted normal and he finally called me Raven after not calling me anything for a month. And it was nice that he told me I'm a lot better then the other person that covers for me on my days off. Actually I got told that three different times yesterday. Along with that I have noticed that male coworkers will even open the door for and let me go first. So I guess after a month now people are starting just to see and treat me as female. Which is making things 100% easier on my mind now.

I should add that since I was working in diary I wore a nice jacket and boots made for for winter. And I got so many comments on how good I looked and even the store manager commented how much she likes me boots. So I do feel that slowy but surely I'm starting to fall into female society at my job. I did get the dead name a few times but at this point I'm letting it go. As I know its not being done on purpose just accident. Another plus is it seems like I have a lot more workers even coming to me for advice and they appreciate having someone to listen to them and help them out.

The one little storm cloud over my week is last night I kind of had the bad feelings try to come over me. But I'm going to say that might have been from a lack of sleep as getting three hours does not do anyone any favors. As I've been told here I'm doing this for a reason and I don't need to doubt myself. Whatever I got nine hours of sleep and felt awesome this morning. One thing I do want to do is how to figure out to get rid of those feelings. Its getting kind of unnerving having it happen to me once or twice a week. One thing my therapist suggested even if I'm not religious is look into Buddhism since it focuses more calming yourself then anything.

I didn't go to the courthouse or SSA today. I had a lot of housework to do and mainly focused on getting that done. I did make a small drive to a home decor store called Kirkland's today. And had another thing happen that's never happened as I was walking towards the door a customer was walking out and she held the door open for me as she walked out and said "There you go" Really nothing big but it really made me happy. Might go back tomorrow since they have some art prints I really like and some floor lamps. 

Also had some time to work on my voice today as well. I think I found where I'm comfortable at I just need a beter way to record myself. As my phone makes me sound awful but using the app on my phone I'm able to see that my pitch is not going down low. I made sure to stop as soon as my throat started hurting. But today was pretty much awesome!

As for tomorrow I'm planning just to make it my fun day! Going to make some sunny side up eggs for breakfast. And then do my grocery shopping for the week. And after that maybe lunch, therapy appointment and then shopping till I drop at the mall. Just need to figure out what I want to wear.

Planning on Friday to do the boring courthouse stuff and SSA. Since Friday is usually my kick back and do nothing day anyway.

[Dena]

And the short version is you have settled into the daily grind and everything is going well.
Yes, I am reading every word you write when I find the tread but I don't comment on everything.

[RavenL]

Daily grind indeed. Up, work, home, TV, bed and repeat! Now if I could just win the lottery and retire to a nice beach.