Has anyone come our subtly at work?

[FriendsCallMeChris]

I have a new job with a 6 month probationary period. I'd rather be known as a brilliant engineer rather than that person who HR made us change pronouns and restroom habits for.  Has anyone had a successful plan, where they changed so subtly, no one paid attention to it?

[KristinaM]

I don't really have any advice for you and would like to hear the answer if anyone has it.  However here's my story if it helps at all.

I've been on HRT for 2 months now, and been at my current job for just over 2 years.  I've been wearing girl pants, heels, earrings, nail polish and occasionally a touch of makeup at work over the past 3-4 months.  I'm also growing out my hair, which is obviously quite obvious.  I've had some questions, people have noticed, but I've avoided the T word as much as possible except with 2 of my coworkers b/c I trust them to keep quiet.

I'm transitioning as slowly as the hormones will allow, however slow that happens to be.  I don't have a timeline though.  I figure once I hit male-fail (being gendered female more than 1/2 the time regardless of attire) is when I'll start talking to HR about fully transitioning on the job.

[MsMarlo]

Hi Chris.  I was wondering at what stage are you in transitioning? 

Here at my work (I'm a cop) they know but no one is saying a whole lot of anything partly because of fear, partly because of ignorance.   Although I'm definitely showing, I wear an outer ballistic vest and my boobs are kind of hard to see.  But as you can tell by my picture the rest of me shows a tad  lol.

Anyway, they have made the bathrooms gender neutral at City Hall.  When I graduate in November with my Masters I'm taking a break before I start my doctoral program.  I will remain in law enforcement but only on a part-time basis. 

You need to check on HR policies and if they have any transgender (or LGBTQ in general) provisions.  You are kind of between a rock and a hard place because if they have any issues with you being transgender, they could fire you for any other reason (unless you have a personnel board like we do and are protected under their umbrella). 

[FriendsCallMeChris]

I'm about 2 months on half dose T.  I present as masculine female,  the female part be a they hired a woman and because I just can't physically pull off the male look yet. But that is changing,  voice wish and feature wise. My comp has strong LGBT freindly policies, although I don't think the T part has ever been tested before.  I really don't want it to be a big  deal. I just don't know how to avoid the whole announcement thing.  Right now, we're in temporary offices w a  unisex restroom but that changes in November.  And even thought you I  go by the male version of my name, my boss is careful to say Ms. First name and she. I think he's actually trying to protect me from being misgenfered (and to keep himself comfortable with traditional boxes) . So my coming out is going to  be  hard on him
One good thing, I'm damned good at job. I'm over qualified and have done this work before.  I want to be known for skills, not for my LGBT status.  And yes. There's still that probationary thing.

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Wow, that was longer than it was supposed to be. Apologies for the length

[paula lesley]

I feel it is very much an age dependant thing I'm well old so for me it was a case of " here I am " you either talk to me or you don't. You are a beautiful person and it's you living your life. Other people will have to come to terms with it in there own way. I'm an engineer ( also quite brilliant  ) A little Gender realignment does not change your abilities, it enhances them.

Paula, <3 X.

[Sammy]

If Your changes will be very subtle, people will still see You in Your birth gender, they will accept those changes which happen in front of their eyes are fairly normal and with time they will totally forget that You used to look differently. They will assume that You always looked like this and will treat You way they always treated You. Be careful with this, because I ended in a situation when I would come to work dressed 100% female (not the skirts, but stuff which both genders can wear except it is tailored differently for women) and nobody would say a thing or even notice. And then I would run into new co-workers who would gender me female in front of everyone else. Last two weeks I spent talking with people and explaining them things and the "best" thing I heard was "When I look at You, I am seeing a guy" - I was like "Oh, really, You must be the only one, lol?"

[FriendsCallMeChris]

I feel it is very much an age dependant thing I'm well old so for me it was a case of " here I am " you either talk to me or you don't. You are a beautiful person and it's you living your life. Other people will have to come to terms with it in there own way. I'm an engineer ( also quite brilliant  ) A little Gender realignment does not change your abilities, it enhances them.

Paula, <3 X.

From one brilliant engineer to another, thanks for this!  I just want to settle into the new job--and the new life--without a lot of hoopla. I'm very much not into drama.

[FriendsCallMeChris]

If Your changes will be very subtle, people will still see You in Your birth gender, they will accept those changes which happen in front of their eyes are fairly normal and with time they will totally forget that You used to look differently. They will assume that You always looked like this and will treat You way they always treated You. Be careful with this, because I ended in a situation when I would come to work dressed 100% female (not the skirts, but stuff which both genders can wear except it is tailored differently for women) and nobody would say a thing or even notice. And then I would run into new co-workers who would gender me female in front of everyone else. Last two weeks I spent talking with people and explaining them things and the "best" thing I heard was "When I look at You, I am seeing a guy" - I was like "Oh, really, You must be the only one, lol?"

Good point, Emily.  I hadn't even thought about that.  Figuring out how to interact with everyone is the hardest part of transitioning for me.

[Stevie]

   I transitioned openly over the last couple of years. My plan was to transition as I lost weight, I slowly added  feminine attire as my old clothes got too big, went form 385 lbs to 188 lbs and have been presenting as female for close to year now, I had hoped as I did this the people I work with would naturally just start treating me as a women.  I have worked with some of these people for close to twenty years so that was not how things worked out, my plan for transition by osmosis only partially worked. 
  I was accepted socially  by the women at work they asked me to join them at their table for lunch and  work out with them during break times, so that part worked. They all noticed how much more at ease and open  I am now. Some of them have told me they did not really me know before and that they really like me now that they do.
The guys I work with didn't notice or didn't care even when I started carrying a purse and  wearing dangly earrings. I have had long hair since the 1970's and never wore it a ponytail always had sort of a feminine hairstyle so that may have played against me with them.
Even though were I work has less than twenty people I had to get my friend who is our HR rep to call a meeting so she could explain what was going on and how I wanted to be addressed,  people still get the pronouns wrong but they are trying.

Apologizes for the lack of brevity, I did stop myself from writing more though

[Sammy]

Exactly - so, Chris, if You expect that people will figure everything out by themselves and that will spare You some interaction... they won't understand anything (unless someone has had previous experience with trans relative or co-worker, but even then...) and there still be people You will have to talk to. And +1 about guys who dont pick up any clues as opposed to women.

[FTMax]

I didn't come out to my boss until I had been on T for a month, and that was only because he put me on the spot about getting my passport updated (I had wanted to wait until I had the paperwork to update my name/gender marker). I didn't come out to the whole team and clients until I came back from top surgery at the beginning of May (5 months on T at the time). No one was surprised when I finally did, as they had seen me getting more and more masculine over the last few months and I already looked very dudely pre-T.

It is very easy to hide in plain site if you're a masculine presenting female. I would strongly advise you to do so until you're no longer probationary. You have no security in a probationary position, even if there are legal protections for transfolks. They don't need a reason to get rid of you. When you're no longer probationary, it would become solely about the quality of your work. That would be my recommendation.

[Rachel]

I am a Mechanical Engineer and have my PE. I also am a Senior Director and Department Head. I have been with the same company for 28 years. I have been in transition a little over 2 years.

My company is very LGBTI friendly and we have 14 trans identified to HR and 2 transitioned fully. I meet with the transition team Tomorrow. We have a new person in HR, in the diversity section, that has been a team lead with several people at a previous job.

I gradually told 70 people over the last several years. My hair is very curly and just touches the bottom of my neck. I have full A breasts. Unless I tell a person I am trans they do not know.

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Cynthia, (hey, I'm a PE, too! Trying to get reciprocity in my new state, though.) your company sounds like a great company to work for.  My company is proud of being very diverse.  I don't know if there are other trans* folks in the company.  They have a Gay and Lesbian diversity committee, but no B or T in that alphabet.

Still, I would rather develop an initial reputation of being good at my job instead of being 'different.'   But I'm physically changing pretty fast, at least to me.  But these folks don't know me, so maybe they won't notice the changes until I want them to?  FTMAX, I think I'll try to play it the way you did as long as I can.  I've just got to steel myself for being called 'she' when I know I'm really a 'he.'     

[MsMarlo]

Hi Chris.  Yes, your LGBT status should be secondary.  Sounds like the workplace at least has some strong policies in place; that is always a good start. 

I can't help but think of an Orange County (FL) deputy who came out at work one day.  He came to roll call in his female persona; talk about subtle!  That definitely threw everyone from the Sheriff on down for a loop.  I'm not sure what all came out of it eventually but I d know that HR scrambled to put some new policies in effect. 

In any case, you're doing well by gradually easing into things.  While most will probably accept you as who you are, there will be some that do not, and for them I say oh well.  You live your life for you and not them. 

Keep me posted, or us rather, on how things are going. 

[iKate]

At my job they had a small meeting and that was it.

People have been finding out drip by drip.

I mean people will know because your name will change too. I assume your voice will change too (training). I took care to hide myself before I came out.

Now nobody really talks trans with me except a few allies and HR because I have to take time off to go to court to get my name legally changed.

Eventually though I'm leaving to get a fresh start.

[JoanneB]

Over the years with other MTFs in my support group they did the slow change until it got to the point that they were only fooling themselves that they were still passing as males. Making it official was not a big thing. Old, bald and ugly types like me can't do subtle. If/when I come out it will be more like an atomic bomb

As one brilliant engineer to another I can absolutely assure you that no matter what official "Policies" there are, if management wants you out, you're out. Even if you are the the one brilliant one among two or maybe three other engineers there. I've seen it happen to others and eventually to myself. Having been in upper management I've seen/had to do it. These days only a PHB will be stupid enough to say, "Sorry errr Ms Jones, we need to dump your ass because you are one of those transformer types and I, I mean we can't have that here at Dewy, Screwem, and Howe. Please, don't beg, this comes from the top, and is all here in writing"

[FriendsCallMeChris]

At my job they had a small meeting and that was it.

People have been finding out drip by drip.

I mean people will know because your name will change too. I assume your voice will change too (training). I took care to hide myself before I came out.

Now nobody really talks trans with me except a few allies and HR because I have to take time off to go to court to get my name legally changed.

Eventually though I'm leaving to get a fresh start.

I like the drip by drip way.   That's what I'm hoping for and if there is a need for a big announcement later,  everyone just raises an eyebrow and says' that explains it' then goes on about their business.

Thankfully, I started out with the male name I want to be called. It's the male version of my birth name. Yes, they think it's quirky, and one person asked how I  got such a nickname. I just shrugged and said that's what everyone calls me.  Since I'm doing low dose T, I think the voice might drop gradually.  I dress fairly andro/masculine which is pretty common in my field, even for the women, because it's practical and fits the safety requirements.  Right now, b/c we're in a temporary building, we only have one bathroom on our floor and it's unisex.  But that will only last until the end of the year.   

[FriendsCallMeChris]

, if management wants you out, you're out.

this is what worries me.  I just can't tell what prejudices people might have in private.  So, I definitely want to make my first 6 months and first review, with hopes that things are casually progressing to the point of not really making a statement.  I'm hoping to hold off saying anything to anyone, including HR, until I get enough vacation days built up and schedule top surgery.  That date is still nebulous.

[Stevie]

I like the drip by drip way.   That's what I'm hoping for and if there is a need for a big announcement later,  everyone just raises an eyebrow and says' that explains it' then goes on about their business.

By the time we had "the meeting'' where I work no one was very surprised. which is what I was hoping for.