Stopping HRT

[Sophie Lou]

Just curious. What happens if you stop taking hormones all of the sudden?

I'm seeing my endocrinologist next week, but have kind of stopped my HRT because I'm planning on de transitioning.




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[StartingOver]

Uh oh.  Care to elaborate on the decision to detransition?  Nothing bad happened I hope?

Stopping hormones...depends how far down the road you are.  No major physical changes and it's probably reversible/concealable.  Significant boob growth may have to be surgically removed.  Lord knows if shrunken balls can recover, but if not, you can always take testosterone to boost your levels back to normal male.  As long as you've had no FFS, your face should return close to its normal male self (and the same goes for electrolysis.)

Hope it goes well.  Can't have been an easy choice at all, and in all likelihood far harder than the decision to transition in the first place.

[Sophie Lou]

I have been conflicted the whole time. I never thought I was trans til very recently at 37. I'm 38 now.

It's possible I'm just a gay man who is very repressed/filled with shame.

In some ways I also feel like I'm not being true to myself.

I need my health to be in order and I want to be better connected with myself so I can be who I truly am.

Internally, I feel like a liar a lot of the time. Like its a performance.

I think I like wearing woman's clothes, but that doesn't make me trans.




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[ainsley]

Here is my write up on my abrupt spironolactone stoppage:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,193981.msg1729090.html#msg1729090

I also stopped estrogen, prometrium and finasteride cold turkey, too.  My wife says I am not my normal self, a bit morose and not as happy and upbeat.  I feel tired a lot, too.  Nothing reversing in body changes (like hair regrowth, testicular enlargement, etc.).

Good luck with your stoppage and detransition.  I wish you the best!

[Sammy]

I have been conflicted the whole time. I never thought I was trans til very recently at 37. I'm 38 now.

It's possible I'm just a gay man who is very repressed/filled with shame.

In some ways I also feel like I'm not being true to myself.

I need my health to be in order and I want to be better connected with myself so I can be who I truly am.

Internally, I feel like a liar a lot of the time. Like its a performance.

I think I like wearing woman's clothes, but that doesn't make me trans.




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Having lived 37 years as male, it is no wonder that making such radical changes can sometimes feel like performance, or You feel like a lier. I sometimes feel like a fraud too. Wearing clothes has nothing to do with Your identity - whether You like female clothes, or not that much does not make You trans indeed, but that does not make any less trans either. If You really feel like stopping HRT - go for it, and see how it feels (maybe You will be missing estrogen and Your body will tell what is right for it. But if You decide to take that decision, please be careful as full stop may cause Your system to act in quite unpredictable manner.
Oh, and btw, we have a member here - I cant remember her nickname, but it was variation of Joanne - she actually felt very much the same way - like probably being repressed gay man - but in the end she figured out that she was more like trans and did not stopped HRT on its tracks. In no way I am advocating that You should not detransition, but... there might a chance that the issues You are facing are more complex and You might wish to proceed with caution and explore all other options or causes for Your feelings.

[Isabelle]

I stopped abruptly after years of hrt in prep for surgery. I haven't noticed anything at all. No mood changes, no nothin. After a long time of hrt it's not a great idea to stop because your body needs "sex" hormones to maintain bones and blah blah But, it doesn't sound like you've been on hrt long enough to do anything.
If you want to stop, stop. More importantly though, places like this forum are about as reliable a source of factual information as a grade school playground. Medical questions are for Doctors, not the internet.
Good luck

[Martine A.]

Reading the title, I started shivering and tears rushed.

I thought this was about a girl having to stop hrt for because her body, e.g. liver couldn't take it. Thought it could happen to me, because here I can't get hormones without doc's approval.

Oh well, let me wipe the cheeks. I am glad you are 'just' detransitioning. Good luck with it.

[Devlyn]

Big hug, Sophie! I realize that detransitioners face a tougher, longer journey than most here. We are here to support you no matter where your path leads. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Ms Grace]

I can understand your decision, I did exactly the same thing twenty years ago. About the worst thing that happened from stopping HRT cold turkey was that I started lactating. I agree you need to sort out your gender identity and how you want to live your life, the last thing you want to do is transition to female if you identify as male. I detransitioned for a lot of reasons, a primary one was that I thought I was just faking it, that if I just accepted I was born genetically male and got on with life as a man then things would be OK. That kind of worked for a short while...but look where I am now...!

[KristinaM]

Sophie!  I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling conflicted!  I want you to know that you are very beautiful though!  I cannot tell you if detransitioning is the right thing for you, and you didn't ask for my opinion, but I feel compelled to tell you that the only right thing to do in your case is what is right for you!  Obviously... LOL.  What I mean though is that if you feel wrong, it may be because the hormones are causing you issues, or just the fact that you haven't fully adjusted yet to your new life.  37 years as a man is a lot of social and mental conditioning to overcome.

If you do stop HRT, I'd recommend a moderate taper and also consulting a therapist about your fears and feelings.  Your feelings are not wrong, you feel them for a reason, but that doesn't mean that they're right either.  When it comes to gender identity, you should do whatever makes you happy.  Not for society's sake or other people's sake, for your own.  That may sound a bit narcissistic, but your self-image is the most important thing in the world.  If you aren't happy with yourself, how can you ever hope for other people to be happy with you?

Best of luck to you, like anything else on this journey it'll take time and soul searching to figure out.  But don't let others pressure you into being something you're not.  Be true to yourself.

And again, you're quite beautiful in your avatar pic.    hugs!

[Obfuskatie]

Before you try to label yourself, give yourself permission to present as male when you want and female when you want. You may be somewhere on the spectrum between both or gender-fluid or neither, but I don't think you'll be able to figure it out without experimentation. Experimenting with drugs is dangerous, but clothes aren't for the most part.
I used to constantly battle with impostor syndrome. Part of what changed my perspective is that it's widely documented among many people, especially women. The fact I'm trans and that it bleeds into my insecurities is pretty normal. But in reality, I had to work to suppress a lot when I was a "guy." It was exhausting. Maybe get to a place where you don't feel like you have to perform your gender either way and stick there. Once you find your comfort zone, transition or de-transition to match it. Only you can figure out what is best for you.
The only thing I want to say is that the self-hating homosexual thing sounds a lot like: "it's a phase." I haven't actually heard any times it happened, except in Iran maybe, since they stone gay poor people. Most people de transition for external reasons, to my knowledge. That doesn't mean that these are the cases for you, we're all snowflakes and I'm just an armchair diagnostician. I'd highly recommend exploring therapy to find what you need to be happy. And I wish you all the luck in the world finding it!


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[Rachel]

Sophie,

We support you regardless of your decision and why you are doing it.

I recommend calling the doctor and explaining the med change before doing it.

You may want to consider seeing a gender therapist for a few months before changing your medication.

[Sophie Lou]

I appreciate all the thoughtful and supportive responses. Thank you.
I have all of this incredible rage and anger and self-hate. It's under the surface but permeates my being. I don't know how to free it. I can't seem to connect to my honest self. I don't trust myself or anyone...even though people are so loving and kind to me. I am so self absorbed. I just wanna be right and true so that I can be honest and real.



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[bibilinda]

Internally, I feel like a liar a lot of the time. Like its a performance.

Me too, but not because of internal conflict. Just because I totally hate my face, body, voice and I wish I was born a girl like my two cis sisters. I need makeup, clothes, smiling, lots of things to "get into character" that really don't come so natural to me, because of so many years of living in the wrong gender. I just cannot get rid of those memories. All that bad stuff is buried in my sub-conscious mind, manifesting itself in social awkwardness, self-consciousness, insecurity and in recurring and never-ending nightmares, every single night. Yet in spite of all that conflict, I'd do anything to be accepted as female one day.

Just curious, is it you in the picture? If so, I am sorry to say I just can't imagine you as a "guy", forgive my straightforwardness.

Cheers

Bibi B.

[Christy82]

I will say this:  You are the only one that truly knows what you need.  If you talk with your doctors and or therapist, then you will know where you are.  If you feel that you need to stop, I, along with others here, hope you the best.  This life we live is very difficult. 

[Dena]

I went back and reviewed all of your post attempting to understand what was going on in your life so I could write something that would be useful. I still have much I don't understand but I do understand some of what is happening to you.

For most of us, transsexualism has been a companion for a very long time. Even people who come to terms with it latter in life know they had a history from when they were much younger. That makes it clear in our head that it isn't going away and even in our weak moment we know the feelings we felt will come back at the same force we once felt them. That is what keeps our transition on track even when we are unsure of continuing.

You state you have only felt the feelings for a couple of years which make you different that most of us, but it doesn't determine that you are or are not transexual. What you are feeling could also indicate you are non binary. I am not really sure the life you had before you started down this road is right for you but I don't have a clue what is right for you.

I would suggest you remain in therapy with a gender therapist while your hormones return to their original levels as I am not really sure what will happen to your thoughts and feelings. You are going to have much to explore and I also fear that depression could occur. Also follow up with your Endo so you are aware of your hormone levels before you might make the decision to discontinue therapy. The care you had that got you to where you are today will be needed as you detransition because you have made one attempt to resolve your issues, and you feel it has failed. You may have the feeling that there is no place in life for you but that isn't true. What is true is that you may not have found it yet.

I wish you all the best and take care of your self. If you need to talk, you know where to find us.

[iKate]

Internally, I feel like a liar a lot of the time. Like its a performance.

First of all, I sincerely wish you all the best, and I will give you a BIG HUG.

But this kind of struck me.

Personally, I haven't had that feeling at all. Yes, sometimes I did feel like my efforts were in vain. But now, I have smoothed most of that out and I really don't worry about what people think. In fact, going full time has taken all the effort out of presenting. It's literally now just get up in the morning, get ready and go. I really don't make a big deal out of it now and thinking of it that way for me was just plain weird. When I cross dressed I would always feel like I'm accomplishing something, like painting a picture or building something. Now, I am just, meh.

I am sad that you're detransitioning but maybe that is what you need to see if you're trans or if you're a gay man who likes to wear women's clothing.

Be happy.

[Sophie Lou]

I'm kind of in the middle right now (gender presentation-wise) my hair is still long and I have andro clothes and will probably stay here and feel things out (see a therapist and try to stop worrying constantly)before I pull the plug on transitioning. I think one good thing is that I'm caring less what people think of me visually. That seems positive.



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[Ange]

One of the good points about thinking about it for 10 years without doing nothing, is that I had the time to clear up pretty much everything that needed to be. I think most trans rush into transition without being mentally fully prepared, and some issues that could have been dealt with before are being painfully dealt with in the spur of the moment. (well at least there is no time lost in the process  )

I'm no advocate for waiting. Anyway.

That being said, I'm only 3 monthes into HRT now, and just discovered I've been in love with a man for a long time now (like 10 or 15 years -_- ) without even noticing it. So I started wondering if I was not a gay man all the time. But as I thought about it, all the things that led me to transition came to resurface, and I clearly understood that no, I was not just a gay man.

Now determining what part of me was the real reason of my transition was difficult and took me years. I had to eliminate all the fake or side-effects reasons to find out that it was, clearly, just a problem of me and my body, and the way we were, for some reason, unable to interact.

I wouldn't make love with a man as a man. That wouldn't work for me. Beside, I'm bisexual so it's not only a problem with men. I managed to successfuly make love countless times with women, but something always felt wrong.

I'm just very bad at being a man, physically speaking. That's all there is to it. I feel at home when I have boobs, a vagina, fluffy cheeks and a lot less body hair. Don't ask me why. It's just the way it is.

Maybe I am a sort of gay man - honnestly, that's fine by me. I still need transition, gay or not. So I don't care. That's how I feel good so I'll do it. That's my identity, whether or not it was created by genetics, education, or total randomness... I don't really care.

Hope you'll find your answers !

(PS: you're lovely as a girl. I know it won't help if you stop transitionning, but at least I am not lying)

[Lynne]

I'm kind of in the middle right now (gender presentation-wise) my hair is still long and I have andro clothes and will probably stay here and feel things out (see a therapist and try to stop worrying constantly)before I pull the plug on transitioning. I think one good thing is that I'm caring less what people think of me visually. That seems positive.

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It's great that you are able to care less about what other people think, that can help a lot in worrying less. I hope you can get rid of the anger and self-hate you described in your earlier post, it can mess with your head in ways you may not even realize yet. Good luck in your journey!