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[Lebedinaja]

I started reading on this forum here since about a week, and this has driven me absolutely crazy in my mind, I started realising things ... and started really thinking about something what I always guessed about myself, but always denied.
Male -> Female, you know what I mean.

Im still not sure if I am just crazy, silly, or whatever, but I always had toughts that I there is something wrong with me. I cant say I am a woman, born in a mans body, I never played with girls toys, never liked make-up or girls clothes. But since I can remember myself, I am thinking that being a girl would be ... just better for me, it would be .. me. I was watching different Videos on Youtube, stumpled across the Transgender Channel where a woman told me: If you feel like this .. if you tought about this ... you ARE TRANSGENDER!

I dont know if I am, I sometimes wish I would be, than I could start this whole journey of pain, loosing family, loosing friends, loosing work, loosing everything - to become a real person with happiness, joy of life and stuff.

Affording the whole thing wont be the problem since I work, social acceptance also wouldnt be the problem for me since I never feeled connected to our ... wonderful society. Will family or friends accept? Dunno... I guess ultra -orthodox, -nationalistic and -conservative people wouldnt be happy about it.

So to come to a point, my problem is, I dont know what I am in my mind (M/F/..), but I always knew this thing about me ... "I would rather be a girl". So before I fail this thing and I will realise the whole problem in 20 years when its ... a little bit late to change something, I would rather like to realise this something about me now, at 18 years.
So I just created this account to hopefully talk to some people about their experience, etc.   

I may have some/many mistakes in this text, since English is not my native language.
Besides English I speak German, Russian, Serbian and some pieces of other languages, just if one of you is interested in talking in this languages... 

Wish everyone of you a good day!

[MicheleGui]

Hey Lebedinaja, welcome!

I know what you mean, I'm 19 and only recently I've accepted myself as a trans woman (being born a man and etc.)

When I was a kid I've always liked the boy toys: the plastic soldiers, the power rangers and stuff like that.
And I thought I had no interest in makeup untill I tried it.

Just remember: its not obligatory for a woman to be feminine. You probably know some cis girls who like to do "boy stuff" instead of the usual sissy things.

I hope you find out more about yourself, and I hope to keep in touch with you in the forums.

Hugs~

Gui.

[stephaniec]

therapy is always a good place to talk things out and also there is a wealth of information here.

[MichelleZelda]

Well I know you sound a LOT like me! You are not alone!

[V M]

Hi Lebedinaja 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

Things that you should read

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Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Hugs

V M

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. First, english only with me, my poor brain was never able to soak up another language and it has enough trouble with english. We discover our inter self at different ages. I figured it out at age 13 but there were signs that it existed before that. The problem with my younger behavior was that it made me appear like a well behaved, mature boy instead of the girl I was so even I didn't question it. Age 18 is a good age to start and there is much to do before you reach the decision for surgery. You should find that cross living will bring you close to your goal and will give you the time to save for SRS should you desire it. Feel free to ask us any question and we will be happy to answer what we can.

[Mariah]

Hi Lebedinaja, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[katrinaw]

Big warm welcome to Susan's Lebedinaja

I knew at 4, saw how different I was at 5, awful childhood, then mid to late teens, tried to put it all to the back of my mind, got married, kids and grandkids now... All through having bouts, needing to be who I really was, but pressed on with the life I was running. Now I am about to open up to my family, scared and will not be pleasant I'm sure.

So my advice, understand who you are, we are all in a better place today, support networks like here, therefore understand who you are and start your journey before you build a charade around you.

Haa like Dena I am a one language person, but tried learning Spanish as a kid... but never really had my mind on it!

Oh and your intro was great, I look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

[Lebedinaja]

Thanks everyone for the friendly welcome   
and also thanks for sharing your stories!

Hey Lebedinaja, welcome!

I know what you mean, I'm 19 and only recently I've accepted myself as a trans woman (being born a man and etc.)

When I was a kid I've always liked the boy toys: the plastic soldiers, the power rangers and stuff like that.
And I thought I had no interest in makeup untill I tried it.

Just remember: its not obligatory for a woman to be feminine. You probably know some cis girls who like to do "boy stuff" instead of the usual sissy things.

I hope you find out more about yourself, and I hope to keep in touch with you in the forums.

Hugs~

Gui.

Congrats that you could accept this and took  this huge step forward! If I may  ask, how was it possible for you? What were your toughts and what made you decide: I am! I am going to do this!

Welcome to Susan's Place. First, english only with me, my poor brain was never able to soak up another language and it has enough trouble with english. We discover our inter self at different ages. I figured it out at age 13 but there were signs that it existed before that. The problem with my younger behavior was that it made me appear like a well behaved, mature boy instead of the girl I was so even I didn't question it. Age 18 is a good age to start and there is much to do before you reach the decision for surgery. You should find that cross living will bring you close to your goal and will give you the time to save for SRS should you desire it. Feel free to ask us any question and we will be happy to answer what we can.

Thanks a lot!
My toughts are, I could just imagine everything ... everything is ok, me being a man/boy.
I never feeled completely good about myself before, with mind and body. This changed a little bit when I found something to "life for" little bit of macho/national/conservative/agressive behavior and thinking + working out 4 times a week. So I kind of built myself up something, together with work, its something I have reached... I dont know what I would be without it, its the fear of betraying myself. And knowing, would I decide to transition, I could never again be part of this place, this group and this way I am living now. Basically its everything I have besides family.

But I still can remember early times, I was never that way, never angry, I could smile and be happy (can't nowadays). I can remember weaking of of dreams where I was a girl and I was just walking around a street with white buildings and flowers everywhere. I can remember, when I was a very little kid, I wished: Dear God, please let me get out of bed as girl tomorrow. When I was daydreaming, I always tought about a strong girl correcting all the problems that are out there, never about a strong boy, fighting for what he wants.

I guess everyone here was confused about it. My difficult main problem is:

Will I regret not transitioning? Will I realize that I should have done it in decades - needing to life unhappy on or leaving everything I have behind me to get another 2 or 3 decades living as true and happy me?

or will I regret a eventual transitioning? Will I regret throwing all my brothers/friends, work, my thinking, my existing world - away and will I realize im not a man, Im not a woman, I have nothing - I am nothing - I cant return.

Big warm welcome to Susan's Lebedinaja

I knew at 4, saw how different I was at 5, awful childhood, then mid to late teens, tried to put it all to the back of my mind, got married, kids and grandkids now... All through having bouts, needing to be who I really was, but pressed on with the life I was running. Now I am about to open up to my family, scared and will not be pleasant I'm sure.

So my advice, understand who you are, we are all in a better place today, support networks like here, therefore understand who you are and start your journey before you build a charade around you.

Haa like Dena I am a one language person, but tried learning Spanish as a kid... but never really had my mind on it!

Oh and your intro was great, I look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

Also thanks a lot, also for your story! How were you able to get this whole thinking in the back of your mind/ignoring it? I wish you more than good luck for your way, I hope that everything will turn into a happy way for you.

You are true about this charade... I may have already built it up .. but would it be real, theoretically I should be happy and not questioning this whole thing.



Languages thats something one grows up with, the more languages one knows, there easier he understands the many different systems and aspects.
If you create many creative things in your childhood, you will later be able to create wonderful things.
If you play computer games for your whole childhood ... you will be even better in playing computergames later.
If you concentrate a loot on mathmatics in early and later schooltime and you start making it your hobby ... then you will get a special sense for figuring out mathematic things ....
And if you spent your childhood with different languages, than you will be able to catch them quite quickly, but its always a matter of practice.

[MicheleGui]

 Accepting myself was a bit tough at first. I had an amazing childhood and have no regrets of my life as a boy.

But eventually, I got to a point were I felt a constant discomfort. I was sure of myself, that I was a girl, when I first dressed up. I felt comfortable. It felt right and natural, and not like a fantasy, a costume or something.

And you asked how was it possible for me. Well, there's a metaphor I like to use:

You know these times when you're leaving for a trip and you packed up everything you need but you feel like you're forgetting something? And then you double check your bag and everything's in place, but you still feel like you're missing something.
I finally realized what was missing, and now I know I can't go on my trip untill I get it and put it in my bag.

This is how I feel x100.

I don't know exactly how can someone be sure enough to transition. I just know that I am. And I hope you find a way to solve your questions and doubts. I'll be here giving you support.

[Lebedinaja]

Accepting myself was a bit tough at first. I had an amazing childhood and have no regrets of my life as a boy.

But eventually, I got to a point were I felt a constant discomfort. I was sure of myself, that I was a girl, when I first dressed up. I felt comfortable. It felt right and natural, and not like a fantasy, a costume or something.

And you asked how was it possible for me. Well, there's a metaphor I like to use:

You know these times when you're leaving for a trip and you packed up everything you need but you feel like you're forgetting something? And then you double check your bag and everything's in place, but you still feel like you're missing something.
I finally realized what was missing, and now I know I can't go on my trip untill I get it and put it in my bag.

This is how I feel x100.

I don't know exactly how can someone be sure enough to transition. I just know that I am. And I hope you find a way to solve your questions and doubts. I'll be here giving you support.

To ask further, how did you come up with the idea, that you are comfortable with being a girl?

this metaphor ... wow ... absolutely true words, it makes a lot of sense, will keep that in mind, thanks!

[Dena]

I guess everyone here was confused about it. My difficult main problem is:

Will I regret not transitioning? Will I realize that I should have done it in decades - needing to life unhappy on or leaving everything I have behind me to get another 2 or 3 decades living as true and happy me?

or will I regret a eventual transitioning? Will I regret throwing all my brothers/friends, work, my thinking, my existing world - away and will I realize im not a man, Im not a woman, I have nothing - I am nothing - I cant return.

There is always an element of doubt and it was something I faced in the transition because we didn't have much of a clue what caused transsexualism. There was always that thought in the back of my mind saying what if you are making this up and it isn't real. I had every medical test available at the time run on me and they always indicated I was a normal male but yet in therapy they said I was normal except that I wanted to be a girl.

The transition isn't something you walk out and do tomorrow. Many things need to come together and at best, you are talking a year of cross living. Most of us have a year or two of part time getting rid of the beard and giving the hormones some time to work before we move into full time cross living. In my case, I selected my surgeries so SRS was the first thing that would prevent me from returning to the male role. I had a year of part time and two years of full time giving me plenty to time to make sure I would be happy as a woman.

If you take a conservative path, you will learn enough about yourself to avoid dong anything that would even harm your social life. Just take it a step at a time. We don't care if you decide the transition isn't right for you We know for some people it isn't and it would be a big mistake for them to go forward. What ever you decide, you are welcome here and we will help you however we can.

[MicheleGui]

To ask further, how did you come up with the idea, that you are comfortable with being a girl?

this metaphor ... wow ... absolutely true words, it makes a lot of sense, will keep that in mind, thanks!

Well, I don't know. I just spent a lot of my life knowing that something wasn't quite right. When I first read about gender identity and transgender people, some pieces started to fit in the big picture.

The rest was a lot of reflexion and help from a psychologist and some good friends.