My 10 days away

[LizK]

I went to New Zealand for a week and came home yesterday. I have already made a couple of posts in the coming out forum so I won't go over that part again other than to say. I am now out to my family including my kids with the exception of one Brother who has a job that means he spends most of his life on a plane...and he is not a pilot. I will speak to him when I can .

While I was away I made some interesting discoveries, some painful some not. My Dad appears to have some kind of short term memory loss going on which is making him really angry. He is a very intelligent and eloquent man, as is my mother, who spent his life talking for a living. I see him verbally stumble and he gets angry and on more than one occasion embarrassed...it really is quite mild and not overly noticeable. When I spoke to my Mum she told me he knew and was scared. Hardly surprising really I would be scared as well.

My mom told me her father wasn't her biological father, her real father had been a pilot in the war and was some kind of war hero and received a number of medals for it...was ironically killed on a training flight in a new plane. However all the stuff I have ever been told about the grandfather I knew was rubbish. Just one of the family secrets

I discovered that if I don't wear my underwear perfume etc etc then I pay a cost in Dysphoria

I discovered there is a good chance my mother was exposed to DSE - I have decided I don't care and it doesn't change anything

I discovered that there is a more than good chance that when I was younger I expressed myself as being a Girl and was either ignored or told it was "time I learned to play with the boys"

My father claimed he knew what I was going to say, before I came out to them on Sunday...which meant, they knew prior or something happened in the past to tell them this.

I discovered that silence brings its own answers.

and what do all these things mean to my decision about transition...they change nothing. The do make me angry some do some don't. It is a lot to take in and process.

For the entire week I suffered nightmares and one of which had me diving out of bed. My partner was so concerned she sat awake watching me to make sure I was alright and she did this for 5 nights straight. I didn't get much sleep that entire time however slept for 6 straight hours last night which is some kind of miracle for me.

I feel really quite calm at the moment and when I spoke to my partner she said she felt really happy about things and I know she was being really genuine with me.

What a week

Sarah T

[KatelynBG]

Good luck with everything Sarah. Hugs.

[Qrachel]

Good luck and welcome home . . . the family is such a power thing in so many ways.  You were brave and as time passes the negative aspects of your family relationship will have less and less power, and the uplifting parts will become great, great memories.

Take care Sarah; you were, are and will be a beautiful lady,

Rachel

[Lady Smith]

Sarah, I remember when my Mum began to develop dementia she was often angry and short tempered towards me at times.  I was my Mum's caregiver until finally I had to admit defeat due to my own health breaking down and Mum was admitted to 24 hour care.  In every way you have my sympathy as it is a difficult thing to helplessly watch a much loved aging parent go into decline.

[JoanneB]

What a week and a lot of stress. No wonder you could not really sleep.

Also a good learning experience. Any time you have "a lot to think about" I view as a good thing now. I spent a good many years trying hard not to think about a lot of things. I am slowly learning just to try to deal with what is. Not what was. Not what might be. Like, Am I a DES baby? Does yes or no change anything about what I MUST do today? No. Same goes for Klienfelter's. Will a DNA test change things? Nope

What you know you need to do will come in time.

[LizK]

Good luck and welcome home . . . the family is such a power thing in so many ways.  You were brave and as time passes the negative aspects of your family relationship will have less and less power, and the uplifting parts will become great, great memories.

Take care Sarah; you were, are and will be a beautiful lady,

Rachel

Thankyou so much for the kind words. I love my family and wish them no hurt. I have however realised that despite the anger I feel about some of the issues. I do love them and will always be there for them even if they can't for me.

Time is a great healer and I know the likelihood of them ever approaching this subject again is very very slim I can't continue to hold anger for them because it such a pointless waste of my energy. I won't ever forget but I can forgive and move on.

Thanks

Sarah T 

[LizK]

Sarah, I remember when my Mum began to develop dementia she was often angry and short tempered towards me at times.  I was my Mum's caregiver until finally I had to admit defeat due to my own health breaking down and Mum was admitted to 24 hour care.  In every way you have my sympathy as it is a difficult thing to helplessly watch a much loved aging parent go into decline.

Ladysmith you are so right it is very hard to see my Intelligent, witty, eloquent funny father stumble over words which have always been his life and have never let him down. I see the anger and frustration in his eyes and it makes my heart break. But he will not acknowledge it or accept that he need to find help so until my mother can stand it no longer things will not change. It is so sad

Sarah T