Dysphoria is gone, now thinking about stopping HRT

[Maybebaby56]

There is one doctor whom I work with who would argue that HRT should be used as the ultimate diagnostic test of proper transness as opposed to "some sort of fetish" - (his words not mine) - because if someone likes the changes, which will likely include a change to their libido, it is more likely that they are properly trans. That beng the case if you like what has happened then stopping is unlikely to be a good plan as the dysphoria will almost certainly come back.

I guess I really am transgender, then.  I started spironolactone and finasteride last month, a very low dose, and two weeks ago my endocrinologist upped the spiro and fin, and added estradiol patches.  About two days after slapping that first patch on my rear end, I was looking in the mirror, and I had the oddest feeling. I liked myself.  Or at least I was content. I have suffered my whole life with a poor sense of self-worth, never liking myself, never happy with my life, no matter what I may have accomplished. This feeling was a shock!

The feeling abated somewhat, unfortunately, but I could not describe what it was.  Then it dawned on me, that feeling was lack of dysphoria.  I had always just assumed that gender dysphoria was all about the anguish of "not being female", or some sort of body image problem.  My dysphoria was much more basic than that.  I have never liked myself.

So now I feel rather asexual.  I used to love to dress.  The clothes and shoes, the lingerie, the makeup and jewelry. I would spend hours on the weekends, dressing up and luxuriating in the feel of femininity. That's mostly gone now.  Instead I feel fine just throwing on a t-shirt dress, and some nice dangly earrings or hoops, and that's it.  But I'm happy.

I can't see stopping HRT, or my transition, though.  Granted, I am not risking a lot yet.  My kids don't know, and I certainly look like a man at work, even with my shoulder-length hair and pierced ears.  My beard is nearly gone. I'll be done with electrolysis by the end of the year, if not sooner.  I am getting some serious man-boobs though, lol. I can definitely feel them. That worries me a bit.  I had planned on going stealth for at least another year.

I am really thankful for all the comments in this thread.  Transition is always a little scary. It's comforting to know other have been down this path.

Terri

[Autumnleaf]

Thank you ladies for all the advice. 

If HRT helped, then it's highly likely you fall somewhere on the trans spectrum.  Most cis males would be repulsed by the changes HRT induces.

I think so too Luna, I have to admit that I love the changes and constantly check myself daily, although I the sensitivity is a bit annoying.

As others have stated, it's your call as to whether to stay on HRT or not. I think Cindi hit it best at this stage it really be no different than the purge that many of us did time and time again for awhile. If you do stop, you always restart eventually if need by. Hugs
Mariah

I feel the same way, if I stop, it's going to come right back.  I can't remember the amount of times I purged and had the need to start again.

i felt the same as yourself, i stopped taking my hormones for 6 months and all it did was confirm that i could never go back to being a man,

i suggest you should stop taking hormones and really work on your innerself to understand if you truly want to transition

You know, I thought about stopping many times but I don't know if I'm more afraid to stop or continue with hrt.  I think part of that is where the confusion is.

I thought about stopping HRT in the first 2-3 months of being on Spiro and E together.  I was suffering all sorts of panic attacks and anxiety.  I didn't believe my doctors when they said I was fine.  My psychiatrist said I likely had panic disorder.  I was sooo close to stopping, but deep down knew I had to give it a chance.  The bodies hormone levels are all over the place in the early stages.  Not completely correct for a Cis-Male or Cis Female... so the brain was likely sending me warning signs that something was wrong, when it was just part of the process.

Stephanie, I totally relate to the mixed up emotions from the hormone balance, I was all over the place too, emotionally and mentally (still am!) so I'm hoping some of the confusion goes away.  There are days, sometimes even hours or minutes where I will feel that all this is totally right and other times I think "what the hell am I doing."

for me i can never stop. i on low dose, but still i drank the koolaid. Just knowing the mental state i was in before and where i am now removes any doubt. i too woork in construction. I wouldnt stand a chance coming out, so i low dose. low dose for about 2 years no major changes, i wear loose clothing.At least life is bearable somewhat, a recent bout of depression i believe was caused when the pharmacy switched generic patch brands, and for 3 months life became hell. Had doctor prescribe a twice a week patch, and things have gotten better. I cant see the harm if you feel this will be better for you, and you will know soon enough. Just dont forget how you feel on either road so you can remind yourself, why you chose a certain path.

I actually work for a government agency so there's that......I have to leave if I want to fully transition without the hassle from other individuals in the agency.  For at least a year, I think that I would be able to hide my physical changes but I do have to worry about our annual physical, written, and drug testing (don't think they test for estrogen.)

There is one doctor whom I work with who would argue that HRT should be used as the ultimate diagnostic test of proper transness as opposed to "some sort of fetish" - (his words not mine) - because if someone likes the changes, which will likely include a change to their libido, it is more likely that they are properly trans. That beng the case if you like what has happened then stopping is unlikely to be a good plan as the dysphoria will almost certainly come back.

I totally agree, and that's what I'm afraid of.  Stopping, thinking I'm ok, then realizing that I was trans all along and having to go through all that mental and emotional angst because of the dysphoria.

So now I feel rather asexual.  I used to love to dress.  The clothes and shoes, the lingerie, the makeup and jewelry. I would spend hours on the weekends, dressing up and luxuriating in the feel of femininity. That's mostly gone now.  Instead I feel fine just throwing on a t-shirt dress, and some nice dangly earrings or hoops, and that's it.  But I'm happy.

I can so relate!  Except the happy part that is.  Before hrt, I HAD to dress up.  Now, its more like, "Hey, I just want to be comfortable."

Thank you for the responses, I think I'll continue with hrt for now.  I might detransition, I might not.  But for now, I think I'll continue.

Autumn

[Dena]

I actually work for a government agency so there's that......I have to leave if I want to fully transition without the hassle from other individuals in the agency.  For at least a year, I think that I would be able to hide my physical changes but I do have to worry about our annual physical, written, and drug testing (don't think they test for estrogen.)

A government agency is the one place where I would think you would have real job security and protection from harassment. If you do have problems on the job and they aren't corrected, sue and then retire for life. That was an option I never had because it used to be legal to discriminate against transsexuals.

[Autumnleaf]

A government agency is the one place where I would think you would have real job security and protection from harassment. If you do have problems on the job and they aren't corrected, sue and then retire for life. That was an option I never had because it used to be legal to discriminate against transsexuals.

I actually do have job security and protection.  I also don't think I would get harassed.  It would be more of a subtle ostracism and distain from others and just my discomfort transitioning at a place that happens to be bleeding machismo.  I plan on leaving soon anyway.  I'm sorry to hear that you were harassed, it sucks going through all of this on top of people acting like you have the plague or something.

[AnonyMs]

I guess I really am transgendered, then.  I started spironolactone and finasteride last month, a very low dose, and two weeks ago my endorcrinologist upped the spiro and fin, and added estradiol patches.  About two days after slapping that first patch on my rear end, I was looking in the mirror, and I had the oddest feeling. I liked myself.  Or at least I was content. I have suffered my whole life with a poor sense of self-worth, never liking myself, never happy with my life, no matter what I may have accomplished. This feeling was a shock!

The feeling abated somewhat, unfortunately, but I could not describe what it was.  Then it dawned on me, that feeling was lack of dysphoria.  I had always just assumed that gender dysphoria was all about the anguish of "not being female", or some sort of body image problem.  My dysphoria was much more basic than that.  I have never liked myself.

I got a strong feeling of euphoria when I started HRT and every time I get a new implant, and unfortunately it does die off after a little while. I asked my endo about its and he explained its homeostasis, or the body adjusting to a change in the hormone level. Its a wonderful feeling while it lasts though, and I can't wait for the next one.

Even after the euphoria dies off I'm left feeling normal, which is great, and makes me wonder if I've ever felt normal in in my life before. Certainly not in recent years.

[Dena]

I actually do have job security and protection.  I also don't think I would get harassed.  It would be more of a subtle ostracism and distain from others and just my discomfort transitioning at a place that happens to be bleeding machismo.  I plan on leaving soon anyway.  I'm sorry to hear that you were harassed, it sucks going through all of this on top of people acting like you have the plague or something.

More by my employer. In those days the only ones with rights were minorities and the LGBT were not included. We knew it going in so if it happened, we expected it.

[Tessa James]

I'd be deathly afraid if I had to stop HRT at this point. Just a thought.

I am in that camp too and once had an anxiety attack when I left my "man away" drugs at home when on a trip.  I asked to have them sent overnight post.  Going back is the stuff of nightmares for this girl.  And then I do understand the cycles of denial and purge and the weight of the work place.  Harsh choices sometimes.

[brenda w]

I have to have dot physicals every 2 years I don't think the doctor is allowed to disclose anything I tell them. I also take frequent drug test and you are correct they don't check for estrogen. A more interesting conversation recently with my therapist, I told her I feel good but I don't feel feminine, she said she has seen this before in patients who have to switch back and forth in gender roles, and that for some its easier to  stay in male mode, which I completely agree with in my situation.

[Maybebaby56]

I actually do have job security and protection.  I also don't think I would get harassed.  It would be more of a subtle ostracism and distain from others and just my discomfort transitioning at a place that happens to be bleeding machismo.  I plan on leaving soon anyway.  I'm sorry to hear that you were harassed, it sucks going through all of this on top of people acting like you have the plague or something.

I can relate. I, too, have a federal job, in the Department of Defense.  Yes, I have strong legal protections, and while I don't think I would be overtly harassed, I think I would be quietly excluded. I work in an applied military R&D environment, and internal networking, and "being one of the guys" is practically a job requirement.  Funding is very competitive and very much subject to office politics. Program managers give money to people they know and like.  That is something I was taught early in my career. I fear no one would want to work with me. My experience, past success, and technical credentials will matter little.

[LizMarie]

People starting then stopping HRT is so common that among therapists who have large trans clienteles, they discuss this openly. Here's one article by a therapist who discusses seeing this problem over and over, even in some individuals repeatedly who refuse to believe that they are better off staying on HRT.

In the end, only you can decide. But ask yourself this - if HRT calmed your dysphoria, will you resume HRT if it comes back? And if it calms it again, will you stop HRT again? Over and over? Who are you kidding at that point?

My advice, not being a medical expert, would be if you're really serious, then stop. But if dysphoria returns and resuming HRT fixes it again, then it's time to admit to yourself that you are trans and you need to transition.

http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm