Hit too close to home

[KatelynBG]

So the other day at work, the day after the ESPYs my boss caught me looking at an article on transitioning at work. I explained it away by saying that I watched the ESPYs the night before and this was a related article to a different article on Jenner's speech. He didn't believe me and he likes to tease so he asked if he should start calling me Katelyn. That touched a nerve for me and made me both scared and sad at the same time. Of course there's no way he would have known that I'm transgender or that I have chosen the feminine I need name Katelyn but it made me really nervous but sad that I had to deny it just to survive (for now).

[HoneyStrums]

In time this is going to be one of those memories that hit your boss in the face later, and if and when you do come out at work, its also going to be one of those things that make a lot of sence all of sudden.


You know the day may come that this person says that one time to many and you just go, ACTUALLY..... YES.

Hugs.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Katelyn.

Two suggestions:

1. Avoid doing non-work things when you're at work. Bosses remember that sort of thing even though everyone does it. He's spotted you once, so make sure he doesn't spot it again.

2. You don't need to let him tease you. If he does, tell him you consider that offensive and hostile and ask him to stop. Make a note of whenever he teases you. If he will not stop, you can go to your HR office or your management. Your employer is required by law to make sure you have a non-hostile workplace, and this sort of teasing is covered by that.

[KatelynBG]

1. Avoid doing non-work things when you're at work. Bosses remember that sort of thing even though everyone does it. He's spotted you once, so make sure he doesn't spot it again.

This was without a doubt the number one takeaway from my experience.

[Alex_or_Ben]

I just wanted to give you a hug, Katelyn.

I'm sure it was difficult to go through that at work. 

Alex

[Puffery]

I was fortunate to have a supportive boss however prior to transition I do recall him saying some insensitive jokes about trans people. But I guess when it actually hit close to home and realized it is a real thing that happens he became one of my greatest allies. People say mean things without thinking or realizing it could actually happen, hopefully hes just one of those who doesn't think before they speak and not one that actually means to be mean.

[KaylaMadison]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, I had similar experiences before I came out at work. For whatever reason the people in my building loved to pick my door to have conversations about trans related subjects outside of and just their conversations alone would destroy me. Later I found out that my facebook page had been discovered and pretty much everyone knew so I'll never know if those conversations were intentional or not. Bottom line though is when I did come out at work everyone has been more than accommodating and excepting, so what may be in jest or joking may be a coping mechanism to something that they don't really know how to approach and not necessarily a sign of hostility.

[StartingOver]

1. Avoid doing non-work things when you're at work. Bosses remember that sort of thing even though everyone does it. He's spotted you once, so make sure he doesn't spot it again.

Am I the only one here who regularly does non-work things at work and thinks it's normal?  Uh oh...

Not to derail the discussion, but I recall spending about five years of my career doing non-work things; screwing around on the internet, reading stuff online, staring out the window, etc.  Like, isn't that what most people do?

(Probably explains my total lack of any kind of career success though.)

[steyraug96]

Am I the only one here who regularly does non-work things at work and thinks it's normal?  Uh oh...

Not to derail the discussion, but I recall spending about five years of my career doing non-work things; screwing around on the internet, reading stuff online, staring out the window, etc.  Like, isn't that what most people do?

(Probably explains my total lack of any kind of career success though.)

Not to my way of thinking, and I'm considered VERY successful.
OTOH, I could be moreso - it's a LOT of discipline, though, and to me - not being able to do this at home? Yeah, Eff it. I'll fit things in where and when I can.
I just do DIFFERENT personal things at work. I also come in earlier than most (7:45 is late arrival for me), and stay later and/or login from home. For a while, I was putting in 80 hour weeks. And no breaks since - been an endless hurry-up-and-do-this.
I'm also in a secured lab, so that works in my favor, but I have NO illusions about people looking over my shoulder - we're monitored, logged, and there are teammates in the lab.
But if it's THAT big a deal...   Well, I'd just talk harassment or hostile work environment.  I get the work done, and no one else can do what I can - so I'm too valuable to can.

On that path - make yourself too valuable to lose - you should be fine unless you're really doing something questionable.
Of course, in IT, you can get screwed....  No one recalls the 80-hour weeks - they just want to know why you were looking at websites all day. (I've timed our systems - 5 minutes to start Outlook? Or Excel? Or connect to a remote system? Again, Eff it, I'm doing something else. This I can multi-task and burn through quickly. The work takes hours either way. You can get it 15 minutes sooner if I never "goof off," or you can get it 150 minutes sooner if you stop monitoring me, blocking web sites I need - like CNet, and can drive encryption in the non-sensitive areas - like the secured test lab that doesn't see the stock forecasts anyway. Work SMARTER, not make work HARDER for everyone NOT in the C-suite...    But that makes sense.)

[KatelynBG]

Am I the only one here who regularly does non-work things at work and thinks it's normal?  Uh oh...

Not to derail the discussion, but I recall spending about five years of my career doing non-work things; screwing around on the internet, reading stuff online, staring out the window, etc.  Like, isn't that what most people do?

(Probably explains my total lack of any kind of career success though.)

This is an accurate description of me as well. I work in a bank though and do all of the audits for the branch and no one else has a clue how to do them, so that makes me a touch indisposable. If I'm being honest though a trained monkey could do my job and it's completely devoid of any satisfaction. Be nice to your bankers, they're just following orders and doing their best.

Actually at my last job I had a couple of MTF customers that only wanted to deal with me. My coworkers would make transphobic remarks behind their backs and I didn't put up with that. I always treated my fellow trans people with dignity and respect, and no superfluous or fake put ons. One lovely trans lady even wrote me a touching note about how I was the most respectful banker she had ever worked with and how she will never forget me. She sent it to me when I left that particular office.

Another customer started transitioning and I processed the name change and explained the pronoun thing to my coworkers. When they looked at me quizzically, I said I heard about it in NPR or something.

Sorry for the tangent but I go down memory lane sometimes.

[KatelynBG]

Ok so wth. .. my boss just... I can't even. We were talking about hunting and I said my dad took me when I was a kid and I hated it and once let an 8 pointer walk under my stand, I let it go. And he goes,"And that's when he realized he has a daughter named Katelyn."

I just don't know if he's getting lucky with this or what. Literally no one knows my femme name, not my wife, not my therapist even. It's scary but at the same time I just want to scream yes that is actually me. I tried not to look off when he said this and just replied "Hey how did you know?" Very sarcastically. Then he went on to talk about Caitlyn Jenner's show and he was Misgender ING all over the place. At that point I just ignored him until he walked away.

[KristinaM]

Haha, good, bad, or otherwise, it sounds interesting.

We hired a new manager in the company recently named Kristin, and every time I get an e-mail from someone else that starts with something like:

"Kristin has a problem with......"  (I'm in IT Support)

My heart skips a beat thinking they're e-mailing me and addressing me something like:

"Kristina, can you help me with......."

LOL, it's totally panic inducing every time.

[Dena]

I just don't know if he's getting lucky with this or what. Literally no one knows my femme name, not my wife, not my therapist even. It's scary but at the same time I just want to scream yes that is actually me. I tried not to look off when he said this and just replied "Hey how did you know?" Very sarcastically. Then he went on to talk about Caitlyn Jenner's show and he was Misgender ING all over the place. At that point I just ignored him until he walked away.

Two mysteries. Is your other name close enough to Katelyn that he might have guessed your name? Why does he have such an interest in Jenner's show? The last I heard the ratings were really dropping so why is he still watching it?

[KatelynBG]

My birth name also starts with a K, so not terribly off.

On the second point, he's been making inferences to me being less of a man or even a woman recently. Like the other day he was saying something like "Sometimes you have to walk in the room like you know you have the biggest dick there. Even if you don't feel like that's who you really are." Stuff like that is said all the time. It doesn't bother me and other than the comments he's one of the best bosses I've ever had. A more serious boss would make my workplace the most boring place in the world.

[KatelynBG]

Sorry he said his wife watches the show and he watches with her.

[KristinaM]

He probably was just thinking "Caitlyn", not Katelyn.  Due to Jenner's publicity it was fresh in his mind I'm sure, and you are "obviously" a boy who he was jesting about being girly.  Makes sense to my pseudo-male brain.  Creepy for sure, but he's still clueless.

[KatelynBG]

Yeah that makes sense. I have to hide how happy I am when he says that stuff to me though, which is a weird jedi mind trick sometimes.