3 days post-denial and very scared and confused

[AnamethatstartswithE]

After more than 20 years of denial I have finally accepted that I am Transgender. While the shame and self loathing are gone, and I am happy for that, they have been replaced by fear and confusion. I feel like I need to relearn how to feel emotions and understand my thoughts again. I went to see a therapist yesterday and we are meeting again next week, but I don't know if I can make it that far. I haven't been sleeping very well, I ended up calling in sick today because I got about 40 minutes last night. I feel that I want to transition to female, but I'm worried that my mind might just be moving to the other extreme since I realized I wasn't male. I'm uncomfortable when I'm not in control. As I've accepted myself I've found myself having "girly" thoughts and I'm concerned that I don't know whether I'm concerned or not about that. I feel like I don't know which parts of me are real and which parts of me were the denial.  I guess I just want some reassurances that things will get better, honestly writing this out has helped.

[LordKAT]

Hello E. Welcome to Susan's.

Those confusing feelings are good reason to see a therapist. It does get better. For some people it happens quickly, for others, fear makes it harder. It takes time to overcome fear and with that will come a feeling more of peace.

I'm glad you found us here and hope you will read other peoples stories. I think this will help you to know that your feelings are not unusual at all.

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[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thanks for that.

Another issue is that whenever I do start to calm down and feel better, it's almost like there's a little denial demon that tells me: "See you're overreacting, you can just go back to pretending nothings wrong." Then I mentally go over all the reasons I know I'm trans, and it brings me back to square one.

P.S. I've also found out that "Let it go" will make me bawl my eyes out.

[LordKAT]

There is a difference between "Letting it go" and acceptance. You can accept that your friends did something wrong and work to change it, or you can just "let it go". I prefer trying to change it, even if that means I won't be a party to a friendship that isn't really a friendship. I have had similar things happen. I tried first to talk it out. If that didn't work, they weren't friends. In the event of co-workers, it took a threat of filling harassment charges, but the behavior stopped, at least around me, where it caused me the most harm.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

I'm sorry, I was referring to the song. Thank you though, it really helps to be able to connect with others.

[LordKAT]

My apologies for misunderstanding.

[Tamika Olivia]

It's scary, but it's also fun. In a way, it's kinda like dating you're getting to know and love a person, the person you are with all of the restraints off. Like dating there will be periods of uncertainty, doubt, and fear, but those are just part of the process.

Give yourself permission to explore your thoughts and impulses. As long as you don't harm yourself or others, you'll be able to find out about yourself in a safe way. It's an exploratory phase, and you don't need to make any permanent changes. Just try on the girl glasses for a few days... see how the world looks.

[KatelynBG]

I totally get where you are coming from. Since my self acceptance weeks ago I have gone through similar thoughts. I started watching Game of Thrones for the first time and I completely relate to the female characters while the men may as well be speaking a foreign language. It can be a powerful switch that flips when you aspect yourself, don't be afraid of your thoughts.

[Lebedinaja]

Thanks for that.

Another issue is that whenever I do start to calm down and feel better, it's almost like there's a little denial demon that tells me: "See you're overreacting, you can just go back to pretending nothings wrong." Then I mentally go over all the reasons I know I'm trans, and it brings me back to square one.

P.S. I've also found out that "Let it go" will make me bawl my eyes out.

ha! same for me.
My toughts:
- I am!
- wtf no!? you are just overreacting about this
- but I always knew ...
- you have just wished to, but wishing it doesnt give you the right to change everything you built up so far!
- but I know I need to

and so on, basically its like there are two .. sides. The one wants to change to be happy for some time finally
the other side wants to prevent me from change, to let everything stay how it is .. to go the safe way of ... unhapiness

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you,

I'm getting a little more anxiety now, earlier today I was walking down the street, and this guy was getting something out of his car and walking to his door. In the process he walked behind me for all of 5 steps, during those 5 steps I was terrified of him. The worst part is he was half my size! I'm getting scared that I was scared of a guy half my size while presenting as Male, what will I do when I start presenting as female?

There were aspects of the Male me I liked, he was strong, he wasn't afraid to take chances, I don't want to lose those things.

[Tessa James]

There were aspects of the Male me I liked, he was strong, he wasn't afraid to take chances, I don't want to lose those things.

And you don't have to lose them.  There are plenty of strong women and you can access that inner strength that you have exhibited before.  It may take some time to develop confidence but with practice you can find your center, your core and walk with your head high and your shoulders back. 

This is one aspect of binary thinking we can look at and adjust.  Women are strong and you may need every bit of your strength to be the change you need.  I spent years in labor and delivery and will always remember the incredible personal strength so many women revealed during the toughest hours.

If and when we transition from M to F it does not mean we suddenly have no backbone or are bad at math.  Soft and girly clothes need not reveal a lack of resolve but might suggest the strength of character to just be ourself.  Yes, we are vulnerable to those with hateful intent but the vast majority of people are good, caring or indifferent to our struggles.

Fear, shame and guilt were my real weaknesses and held me back for decades.  This is one reason I encourage others not to dwell too long in that misery.  Why add more regrets to our list?

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you for that,

I guess I'm just overwhelmed, this is not how I'd planned to end the summer. I almost am feeling I'm letting her out too fast, if I do transition It wouldn't be for at least eight months as my current contract is ending in February and I'll have to move back to the US. I'm kind of afraid right now that if I put on a skirt I won't be able to take it off. Though I do find that muttering "I wish I had the figure for that" under my breath is a heck of a lot more healthy than "I hate my life."

[Qrachel]

Hi:

Most of us have been there in our own time and way.  You took a brave step and began your journey publicly; you're now swept away.  And for what: You're fine, those stupid feelings - ehhh, what were you thinking . . . . ad nauseum.  Yeppers, B-T-D-T!  We all have, I'm +15 years and there are days I could just, well - go shopping!  It's life and after this initial period of doubt, dread, and guilt, etc. you'll still have stuff to deal with just like every woman on the planet.  BUT and it's a biggie, you will be you, YEA!

Who you were, are and will be who you want to be and you get to decide.  It takes a little time but the true you will come out.  I was quite concerned that I had to lose me to get me.  I did give somethings up, but chose to do so and even changed my mind once or a 1,000 times - still it all came together and that's where a therapist can really help.  I'm new here too, but I see you have people supporting you.  You can really benefit from that support so keep in touch and let life happen. Keep talking to people, keep getting out, keep taking little steps - just one every day and forget tomorrow, except for therapy.

You are an amazing, truly gifted person, more so than you can imagine but you soon will!  Go slow, go fast . . . but go and remember in the end (an that's every second of every day) you are in charge of your journey.  Because you have started to make things real that crazy little voice that has always has something to say (and 99.9% it's not helpful) is going shouting at you to STOP - from my experience the voice knows nothing.  My little voice is so po'd at me now it just tells me I'm dumb and waits for me to stop smiling about life, never gonna happen.

Your sisters in the great tribe of women have been waiting for you.  We welcome you and love you for who are - a beautiful girl now finding herself.  It's amazing and keep sharing, hourly if necessary.  Your sisters and some who are just like you listen to you, learn from you, are inspired by you, support you and glory in your gift shared.

Peace in the sisterhood and welcome to your life,

R

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you all so much for these words of encouragement. I'd talk about how weird it is, and confusing, and lonely, but you ladies have all been there too. It seems unreal that I'm actually looking at a gender transition. I have often dreamed of just showing up to work one day in a 3/4 length blouse and a pencil skirt. I even kept trying to think up scenarios where I could transition but pretend I didn't want to. I guess shame does that to you. I am starting to respect my girl side though. She was able to push through decades of repression, she even tricked my male half into doing things like doing a triathlon as an excuse to shave my legs. I'm actually going to an event in scotland next month, she wanted me to get a kilt there, I think I should oblige. She is pretty crafty. Maybe I'm oversharing, I've always been an introvert, maybe the girl me will be all bubbly and talkative, I don't think I'd mind that.

[Tessa James]

Maybe I'm oversharing, I've always been an introvert, maybe the girl me will be all bubbly and talkative, I don't think I'd mind that.

We love people who will share with us!  And you just may find your girl self will be that bubbly and talkative person.  I have found that many of us are rather fond of talking about our trans journey initially.

I still have my first skirt---a kilt

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you so much Tessa, you look great in your avatar picture by the way.

[Tessa James]

Thank you so much Tessa, you look great in your avatar picture by the way.

Thank you sweetheart!  Of course, now I want you here more than ever!

[CarlyMcx]

Transitioning is not a sprint, it is a marathon.  While I have seen some transitioners go from dude to girl in a little under two years,   (And God bless you if you can do that) for a lot of us who have been in denial and lived as men for a long time, we have marriages, careers, complex relationships with friends and relatives, and obligations to others to deal with. 

And of course there is the terrible internal conflict, especially if we have been told since we were small children to "man up" and have had boatloads of shame and guilt shoveled into the backs of our minds in association with a man acting the least bit feminine in any way.

For me it has been almost a year since I started the process of shedding 52 years of denial, and six months give or take since I came out to my wife and started dressing female around the house.  Therapy is in the near future, mainly because it took several months for me to set up health insurance (I am self employed), and hormones some time after that.

So take your time and do not feel bad even for a second about letting yourself enjoy the process if discovering yourself.  If you are anything like the rest of us, then you have spent a lifetime distracting yourself from the gender thing by taking care of other people around you.  This is the first thing you do truly for yourself, so have it and cherish it as if you discovered a long lost teddy bear in the attic.

And "Let it go" is in my Ipod, too.

[JoanneB]

Six years after the fact and I still struggle with shame and especially guilt, as I know my struggle is greatly affecting my wife. Scared and confused comes with the territory. The "Now What?" "How the F?" and "Am I crazy?" feelings will ebb and flow. Along the way hopefully, like myself and many others, you find joy, you find peace. You learn and you grow. Best of all, you can always ask for a "Do Over". As long as you are breathing, you allowed to make mistakes, misjudgements, or other F-ups, and still get a chance to try something else

[Lyndsey]

I know that feeling that you have. I want to transition years ago, but I couldn't for fear of all the ridiculing form others. I was never comfortable in a mans world. I always found my way to talk with the girls and seamed much more at my comfort zone. I came out to family and friends in 2012 and it has been a rough road ever since. I was stealth since 2008 till 2012 Some of the ones who I never expected to be cool with it were very supportive and some of the ones that I thought would be ok are having a very hard time or disowned me. My father died in 2007 and if he had been alive even my mother said he would have killed me. After an year or two I had decided that I couldn't keep it in anymore so I started seeing my psychologists and it was the best move I have ever made. You will have some friends that are true friends stay by you and you will loose some. But always remember you are not alone. I feel blessed for having this path the God has chosen for me. And I knew it would be very very hard . know that I have been out for a few years and I have SRS on October of this year with who I think is the best Doctor in the world, Dr. Marci Bowers . I had to wait over a year for her but I know it will be worth it to me. Then I will feel complete. But even after you feel complete there will always be something else. Just remember be who you are and love your self. Because you have to do that before you can be happy and fall in love with someone else. [emoji173]️[emoji126]


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