I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to explode!

[JoanneB]

During my early days on this journey I don't even want to think about how many nights I cried myself to sleep or woke up in the middle of some prophetic dream, only to cry myself to sleep.

Looking back I think a lot of the reasons why was Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the worse possible consequences. Fear of your life going even more into the toilet then it now is. Over time that mostly stopped as is fear slowly gave way to hope. Hope only came thanks to the slow hard process of self acceptance. You stop seeing the world in terms of black & white. You begin to see all the greys and eventually beautiful colors.

I still have an occasional crying jag, mostly when I get suddenly overwhelmed by my flavor of GD and it's various triggers, not always alcohol fueled. But crying each night is no longer a lifestyle. My Teddie Bear is very thankfull for that. He hates falling asleep feeling soggy.

[Qrachel]

I cried a lot for a year.  I came to see my tears as cleansing and therapeutic.  I quit fighting having them.  I still cry 15 years later and it's part of being Rachel.

Anyway, I wanted to stop by, say hello, and let you know I thought of you.

Keep taking one step at a time.   It's a long journey and pretty darned amazing even given the foibles you are experiencing.

Take care, love yourself and others,

R

[Jayne01]

Hi Joanne and Rachel. Thank you again for your support. It is nice to know you care. It really means a lot.

I just saw my therapist (not the gender therapist, that is next week). He gave me a couple of strategies to help when my mind wonders off out of control and also to help with not sleeping. Hopefully these strategies help.

Jayne

[Jayne01]

I think I may have broken my wife's heart. I gave her some information to read about gender dysphoria and also some information for family members of people that discover they are trans when they are adults. I think that might have made it real for her.

I then had to leave and go to work (night shift). She was very quiet and ended up just going to bed in the afternoon. I can't shake the feeling that I have broken her heart. It is making me crazy. It is going to be a long night until I finish work and go home to talk it over with her.

I should not have dumped that stuff on her and then leave for work. I should have been there with her to talk it over and answer any questions. I feel like a coward.

Sometimes life just sucks!

Jayne

[KatelynBG]

Good luck Jayne.

[Qrachel]

Hi Jayne:

It's easy to find fault in almost everything you do these days.  Your wife is transitioning too and has some deep seated feelings that are perhaps challenging for her; it would be unusual if that were not the case.  How she processes this is not something you can realistically hold yourself accountable for; unless of course, you purposefully do things to make her transition more difficult.  It doesn't look like you did/do from here, but what do i know - very little actually.

I'm hoping you will be easier on yourself.  You are what you are and you didn't ask to be that way.  No one is at fault.  Being sensitive and appropriately concerned about your wife is loving.  Obsessing that you are making her feel bad isn't helpful for her or you, especially because you shared information to help her better understand what's occurring in your lives.  That sounds pretty caring to me.

Anyway, take good care and the best to you and yours,

R

[Jayne01]

Hi Rachel.

Your comments are very thoughtful. I enjoy reading your posts. You seem to be very caring and seem to always know what to say and how to say it. Thank you.

I still have a few hours at work before I go home. I had some free time, so I wrote a letter to my wife that I will leave for her to read when I get home while I am asleep. I was able to put some things n the letter that I probably would have found difficult to say in person. We will both be home most of the day tomorrow, so hopefully we will have a chance to have a good talk. I love her so much. The last thing I ever want to do is cause her pain. I know I didn't have any say in making me what I am, but I still feel some responsibility for how I make others feel, especially my wife.

I guess I'm still holding on to a slim glimmer of hope that all this is just some phase I'm going through, or something else with a simple "cure". I am kind of self diagnosing myself with gender dysphoria. The therapist I have been seeing came to the same conclusion, but he has had no previous experience in this area. Next week I get to see the gender therapist. I'm sure she will come to the same conclusion, however she has quite a bit of experience with gender identity issues. So in my mind, if the diagnosis came from her it would hold more weight. I know what I am feeling is real and nt my imagination running wild, but for some reason I need a "professional" opinion to back up what I already know before I can truly start accepting. I'm not sure if that make any sense.

Once again Rachel, thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my posts. It really does help.

Jayne

[Claire]

I hope all goes well with your wife tonight. I really have no words of wisdom to offer you, just moral support. I'm nearing the point where I will need to talk with my wife and this worries me deeply. Everyone here keeps saying that things will get better. I hope for all our sakes they are right.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[KatelynBG]

You can count me among the folks with upcoming wifely conversations.

[cindianna_jones]

Telling your spouse is THE most difficult thing in the world. Those of us who truly love our spouse should tell him or her as much as possible right up front. She may think that because you love her, you can use that strength to overcome what you feel. Don't fall into that trap.Your love for your spouse may only confuse both of you if you use it in the incorrect context. Think of this as a medical condition that must be addressed for the both of you. No matter how everything turns out, it must be addressed.

Putting off the truth of it all will only hurt everyone involved and drag out the resolution of your medical status. But, you should know the truth before you make life long decisions. Let her know that you are in this place where you don't know the truth yet, that you love her dearly, and hope she can help.

My best to you,
Cindi

[Qrachel]

If you only knew how many wonderful people reached out and was there for me . My debt is huge, it pleases me to be able to pay it forward. 

TTFN ........ R

[jeminajay]

Your story is exactly the same as mine. I realized at the age of 45 but it tooks 3 more years to decide the transition.

Welcome!

[Jayne01]

Hi and thank you for your comments.

Still a work in progress with my wife, but going well. She is truly a wonderful person and I am privileged to have her in my life.

I have another question that hopefully some of you may be able to help me with.

Why is it that there are times when I feel perfectly content with my male self? During those times I feel a lot of shame and anger at myself for having the feelings of dysphoria. I think to myself "I got this! I can beat this". But then something sets me off. I might see a woman in the street where I think "why can't I look like her?" or "I wish I could wear those clothes" and then I'm back to square one. I'm at the point where I don't trust myself to know whether what I'm feeling is genuine or not. How can I know if I'm transgender when I don't even know if I could trust myself?

Is this normal? Does anybody else go through this?

Just something else to add. I'm writing this as I'm waiting in a doctor's office and I got called in to do some tests before I see the doctor. When the nurse was taking my details, I could see her computer screen and the gender was defaulted to Female. I felt a slight disappointment when she changed it to Male. Nothing major, but a part of me wished she didn't change it. A normal male wouldn't think like that right? This thing is so confusing.

Thanks for reading.

Jayne

[CarlyMcx]

I have another question that hopefully some of you may be able to help me with.

Why is it that there are times when I feel perfectly content with my male self? During those times I feel a lot of shame and anger at myself for having the feelings of dysphoria. I think to myself "I got this! I can beat this". But then something sets me off. I might see a woman in the street where I think "why can't I look like her?" or "I wish I could wear those clothes" and then I'm back to square one. I'm at the point where I don't trust myself to know whether what I'm feeling is genuine or not. How can I know if I'm transgender when I don't even know if I could trust myself?

Is this normal? Does anybody else go through this?

Jayne

Been there, done that, and I think it is part of the experience.  Just today I was out at work in male mode, and walking back to the car in suit and tie, started walking along with the shoulders squared up, acting male, and just for a moment, thinking, "I'm okay with this," and then driving out of the parking structure, I saw a beautiful girl in a miniskirt business suit and my God I wanted to look like her.

And of course, I couldn't wait to get home, take off the suit and tie, and slide into the short shorts and camisole top I usually wear around the house and garden.

And then after I am home and in my girl togs, I think to myself, "Who are you trying to fool?  You are a girl and you always were."

[Qrachel]

Dear Jayne:

It was very real for me (the male animus tugging at the feminine animus), sometimes painfully so as I didn't see how I become Rachel and kept Rufus in the mix . . . in the end I became Rachel and value deeply who I was.  For without my past I wouldn't be here today.  But to be clear, I had to let go of Rufus and I grieved about that.  You may be different, but I don't see how you can be two souls happily and contentedly. 

As time passed and I spent more and more time as Rachel the bifurcated feelings went away and I was left with loving memories of who I was combined with the hopes and dreams of my future as Rachel.  For me it wasn't an event; rather, it was a process taking abut three years to really settle things after I started my RLT.

Now some 15 years later, I find it hard to remember what it was like before - the events of my past life I have but the deep soul of a man's relationship to those matters is just barely present, barely wraith like.  And for the record, I'm glad it's that way, for it works really well for me.

TTFN,

R

[Dena]

Why is it that there are times when I feel perfectly content with my male self? During those times I feel a lot of shame and anger at myself for having the feelings of dysphoria. I think to myself "I got this! I can beat this". But then something sets me off. I might see a woman in the street where I think "why can't I look like her?" or "I wish I could wear those clothes" and then I'm back to square one. I'm at the point where I don't trust myself to know whether what I'm feeling is genuine or not. How can I know if I'm transgender when I don't even know if I could trust myself?

Is this normal? Does anybody else go through this?

I spent years going through that when I was young. I think when you are distracted by something or someone else and you get the transsexual thoughts out of your head for a short time, you wonder why you want to be a woman. My pet theory which I can't prove because I never was on blockers is that the sexual drive cause by T increases the desire to be a woman. I think even without T the feelings still exist because once they are turned on they never completely go away. I still feel sexy sometimes and that is similar to what I felt before I transitioned. The difference is post surgically the feelings make sense. Before I transitioned, they were just plain wrong.

[Qrachel]

I spent years going through that when I was young. I think when you are distracted by something or someone else and you get the transsexual thoughts out of your head for a short time, you wonder why you want to be a woman. My pet theory which I can't prove because I never was on blockers is that the sexual drive cause by T increases the desire to be a woman. I think even without T the feelings still exist because once they are turned on they never completely go away. I still feel sexy sometimes and that is similar to what I felt before I transitioned. The difference is post surgically the feelings make sense. Before I transitioned, they were just plain wrong.

Agree with Dena completely on this point.  Pre-op my endo and I fiddled with the meds to help and it did.

R

[Jayne01]

Hi Carly and Rachel. Thanks for being the and continuing to help.

It really does feel like a roller coaster ride, the switching back and forth of feeling female and male. I wish there was some definitive way to diagnose whether I am transgender. If I fall and break a bone, the doctor will give me an X-ray and say "you have a broken bone". It would be nice to get some kind of scan or blood test or whatever, and the results say "yes you are" or "no you are not" transgender. I think that would make it a lot easier to accept myself and move forward with whatever is necessary to treat the condition.

I'm still telling myself it's a matter of the mind and I can be strong and overcome this. Even though so many have said that it is hard coded in the brain since before birth. The engineer in me is looking for the proof. I'm slowly accepting, with emphasis on the slow!

With so many that have been through this and are still going through it, you would think that should be sufficient "proof" for me, however it still seems I need to work it out for myself, while accepting help and guidance from others.

Jayne

[Jayne01]

Hi Dena and Rachel.

I agree that distraction may have a lot to do with thinking "why do I want to be a woman". Your mind is busy doing other things and you are not thinking about gender one way or another. You just feel like a normal person. It's when the mind is not too busy doing other things that the gender thoughts creep in. And the less busy the mind is the more the thoughts take over. That's how it is for me anyway. Does that mean that is the true me trying to get out? Maybe....probably. I can't keep distracted 24/7.

Jayne

[Dena]

There are two ways to diagnose if you are transgender. The first involves an expensive brain scan but I go with the cheaper less invasive test. What are you doing here if you are CIS? The feelings you have are real and it is normal for them to come and go depending on the time of day and what you are doing. RLE when you go full time will give you a better idea what is going on. For me before surgery I knew I would never be happy as a male and my future was to become a woman. I had doubts up to the minute the lights went out on the surgical table but I have never had a doubt post surgically. Now is not the time for a final decision because you are far to early in the transition process. As they say, I ARE an engineer as well and you really want the answer as soon as possible but it isn't going to be that easy. You still have a fair amount of work ahead of you before you will find the answer.