I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to explode!

[Qrachel]

Reading this thread again, I'm touched by how much this is a microcosm of so many lives . . . we just happen to be the ones on this stage.  I've nothing to add here  but to note how human we are, over and over again.  It's a wonder we ever got out of the swamp though somehow  we did, and somehow we will again and again and again and . . .

Blessings to use all, for we carry the spark in each of us that distinguishes us from all others.  I'm amazed and humbled to be in your company.  Your lives and the matters inside them distinguishes the mundane from the truly beautiful and we are all so very beautiful.  I'm hoping each of us sees and feels that soon - like right now and again and again.

Take good care,

Rachel

[Jayne01]

Hello. Here is a quick update.

I got my therapist appointment rescheduled to next Friday. So that's not too bad. Just another week to go.

I thought I might sign up to a gym. I need the exercise and it might help to get my mind off other things. So today I went to the local gym to check it out. I spoke to one of the girls on staff who was very nice and ran me through what they have to offer and showed me around the gym. It all sounds pretty good. The Only problem is that I felt like a complete creep. As you could imagine, someone who works in a gym would be fit and have a nice figure. My stupid ins kept thinking that I wish I looked like you, while I was talking to this girl. I was so disgusted and creeped out at myself. I don't know if going to a gym is a good idea. I feel so bad now. I feel bad about my body, I feel absolutely horrible about looking at this lady and instead of seeing a person talking to me, I was seeing a body I wish I had. What kind of person am I? How can I expect others to just see me as a person when I am this horrible creep?

Maybe I should just accept that I just don't belong in society. I can continue living the life of a hermit and look out at the world through a glass bubble and not actually be part of the world. That is pretty much how I lived my life up till now. I'm just an observer.   

Jayne

[Dena]

If you can't go to the gym, do what I do. I have a 3 mile path I walk when the weather permits. That will prove some distraction until you have had a few sessions of therapy. Once you are doing something for your self like therapy and blockers you might want to consider the gym again. This is the impossible problem. At the start of transition it seems like we will never get through it. but many people have faced it and have transitioned. You will to if you just take it one step at a time. For now just get yourself out of the house even if it's just walking the neighborhood and more will come in time.

[KatelynBG]

Hi again Jayne. I wished you lived close by (I'm in Maine) because we are going through very similar things. I work at a bank and there's 4-5 regular customers who really trigger the jealousy type dysphoria. That's a bad trigger for me as well.

As far as the gym goes, that's hit or miss I think. I used to go to gyms in college and hated the "bro" culture and the know-it-alls and the "Hey can you spot me bro?" Guys. The idiots who preened at the mirrors and preloaded protein. Ick. Gross. Not for me. I let myself go physically and ate my way through my gender issues. I got up to 320 lbs but all the pizza and bacon cheeseburgers were amazing. Also, who could look a fat guy in the mirror and think "I could be a girl someday?" So it made the denial easier. I actually didn't really see myself in a mirror for 10 years.

Then one day I realized I was suiciding by eating. I started off small, 2 servings of fruit or vegetables a day. I had an half avocado with my morning bagel and a spinach salad for lunch along with other things. After 3.months I started walking. I progressed from there, adding more and more servings of fruit and vegetables and eventually running 4 times a week. Now I am close to a vegetarian (plus dairy) and am running 25 miles a week. I started this 10 months ago and have lost 92 lbs without ever stepping in a gym. The point of this story is to say that working out at a gym may not be the answer for you, and that it's important to get your dietary lifestyle down first.

Looking back on my journey so far, if I was really being honest its myself, I'm already transitioning and made that decision the day I changed my eating habits. Or even a few months before that when I broke my fingernail chewing habit.

[Jayne01]

Hi Dena and Katelyn.

Thank you again for trying to help me. It is very kind.

We have an exercise bike and treadmill at home. Yesterday I went for a ride while my wife went for a run. It felt good to exercise. I was hoping to join a gym and a get the benefit of speaking with a trainer as well as have access to other gym equipment so as to get the most benefit rather than try to work it out on my own at home. I just wasn't prepared for the reaction I had today. It took me very much by surprise and was very disappointed for allowing myself to feel that way.

If I am trans, so what! I accept it and move on. That's what I need to try and convince myself to do. I know it is easier said than done. I need to retrain my brain to think of myself as something other than I what I have been believing I was for my whole life. That shouldn't necessarily be a. Ad thing, right?

Jayne

[Dena]

Knowing what to do is easy. Making it come true takes time and is hard. As you work your way through treatment, one day you will look in a mirror and see a woman looking back at you. That will be the day you know you have arrived and you stop wishing you were somebody else. That day happens to all of us but it won't be rushed. I hope you see her soon.

[Jayne01]

My appointment with the gender therapist I've been waiting for is finally here. I'm currently sitting in the waiting room almost an hour early. For some reason I am really nervous and I am continuously trying to convince myself not to just run out of the office. I don't know why. I need this. I guess I'm just afraid of what I might learn. Tell me again why I just can't be a normal guy??!?!? 

Jayne

[KatelynBG]

How'd the appointment go?

[Jayne01]

Hello,

Had my first appointment with the gender therapist. I've been seeing another "generic" therapist for a couple of months, but that was mainly to keep me sane until today. Anyway, today went well but also gave me mixed feelings.

The therapist seems to be very good and I think with her help a workable solution will eventuate. I did ask her for the magic pill that will cure me so I can get on with my life, knowing that no such pill exists, hence the mixed feelings.

At this stage, I don't think a transition would be the right answer for me, but doing nothing is not right either. I really don't have any idea what I need. Hopefully after a few more sessions some things might start to become clearer. In the mean time I must try to not let these thoughts and feelings consume my every waking moment because that is no way to live. Even if I do things to keep me distracted like work, gym, etc. These things will only work short term and not make the problem go away, but that is good enough until I can figure out  (with help) what kind of long term solution will work for me.

What are all your thoughts on my plan of attack?

Jayne

[JoanneB]

Diversions, Distractions, Denial, aka the 3 D's. They work great. YMMV may vary. Especially with how often you see the therapist and perhaps go to a TG support group meeting. After spending a lifetime avoiding both it is funny how hearing others in real life and especially hearing the words come out of your heart, your mouth, into another persons ears totally changes how you feel hearing them and the other effects it has on you.

The one positive part of the gym, or any plan you are formulating, is that YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING FOR YOU. Something about being trans and how you feel about yourself rather than ignoring or otherwise stuffing your feelings. How you'll feel after doing may change, which is perfectly OK. This is all new uncharted territory. See a big rock ahead, veer left, or right. It's OK to change plans. THey are your plans, for you

[Jayne01]

Hi Joanne. Thanks. I know distraction is not a permanent solution. I just want to keep myself somewhat sane until I figure things out, at least for the short term. I don't know that I'm ready for a support group with actual real live people face to face. After a few sessions with the therapist, I'm hoping things start clearing up a little and then I can move on from there.

I was having a bad day yesterday. I got on the exercise bike and started pedalling like s man (woman?) possessed. I was punishing myself for allowing myself to feel so down all day. On the plus side, I'm getting fitter and losing some weight in the process.

My wife is going through a lot putting up with all my mood swings. I was having yet another meltdown after I got out of the shower after my mad ride on the bike. I started babbling something about being some kind of mutant with a brain defect. Then I added not an X-Men (the movie) kind of mutant. She then jumped in and said there is only one way to be an X-Man. I was confused. I didn't know what she meant so asked her to explain. So she says, well if you have a sex change and become a woman, then you are an X-Man (ex man)! I thought that was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing.

The other thing she keeps telling me is that my "condition" is not my fault and I shouldn't be so hard on myself all the time. She tells me that when I wake up in the morning I should just open my eyes and say to myself "oh good! I'm not dead, what a great day". Just slow down and enjoy the ride rather than always trying to project into the future and planning for things that might never eventuate. How simple is that! Why do I need to always complicate things? I'm not dead or dying, I have a beautiful wife who loves ME the person. So I'm probably trans. I could have any number of other problems that would be worse. I really wish I could find the right words to help my wife understand what it feels like to have gender dysphoria. It seems like an impossible task to explain to someone who has never felt dysphoria, what it feels like. I'm happy to listen to suggestions of how I can helps wife understand. She really wants to help, but doesn't know how. She kind of feels like she's standing on the sideline watching me unravel and not know how to help. I want to include her as much as possible, and if I can help her understand, even a little bit, it would be a good thing.

Enough of my rambling. It is morning now here in Oz, I'm not dead, so I'm taking my wife's advise and getting my sorry butt out of bed and try and enjoy my day.

Thanks for listening and being there.

Jayne

[Rachel]

I go to a LGBT gym and have a trainer. This was at the advise of my gender therapist. I use a locked co-ed locker room. The purpose is socialization and exercise. My trainer is 57 and an awesome person. I have a lot more confidence now than I did a year ago.

I know all to well what you describe about jealousy. Take one day at a time and concentrate on next steps not the end.

[Jayne01]

Hi Cynthia,

Thanks. That's good advice about taking it one day at a time. I tend to look too far ahead and there are just far too many variables to predict what might happen in the future. My wife tells me the very same thing. I'm just stubborn and it takes time to break my bad habits. I'm making progress though.

I just got back from the gym. I don't have a trainer during my workouts, but a trainer did create a workout plan for me to follow. So far so good.

I need to go out and now the "lawn" (it's currently more weeds than lawn!). The lawnmower has been broken for a few weeks while waiting for parts, so the yard has gone wild. It should keep me busy for the next several hours. 

Jayne

PS: Cynthia, I noticed in one of your other posts that you might change your name to Rachel. Do you prefer to be called Rachel?

[Qrachel]

Life is what happens while you're planning for it!

Boy (ahhh, girl), that was so true for me.  You do need to keep it together but that isn't really a plan for living. It is only a plan for survival at best; at worst it sucks you dry (and did me until I nearly committed to an early end).

Try living a bit.  It's actually what we humans are designed for.  You'll find quickly so much of the fears and hesitation were just terribly unhelpful and way over-blown.

Just some thoughts as I looked back over the last 15 years.

Take care,

Rachel

[Jayne01]

Hi Rachel,

How true! I feel like my whole of. Have been planning for it, as you said, and instead I think life is just passing me by and I am missing out. Don't get me wrong, I have had some great times that I would change for anything, but as a whole I think I do more planning than living. It's kind of something that was drummed into me as a child, "plan for the future so you can have a good life and have what we didn't have". I kept hearing that kind of thing a lot throughout my childhood.

Sometimes I just get the feeling to sell everything, and take my wife and just travel the world until we can't travel any more! Maybe a bit extreme, maybe not. 

It seems there is more to my current "condition" than being trans.

I'm currently on the train to go see my therapist. I'll make her work for her money today! 

Thanks for your kind words of wisdom.

Jayne

[Paige]

I really wish I could find the right words to help my wife understand what it feels like to have gender dysphoria. It seems like an impossible task to explain to someone who has never felt dysphoria, what it feels like.

Hi Jayne,

I wish there was a way too.  My wife just doesn't understand.  I often think that if she could take testosterone for a short period of time she might understand a little better.

Take care,
Paige

[Jayne01]

Hi Paige, thanks for your reply.

I still haven't figured out a way to to explain what I'm feeling to my wife in a way that would make sense. Having said that, sometimes I think she might actually understand better than I do. She is so incredibly amazing, understanding and tolerant of my complete mental breakdown I'm having. My wife will be coming along to the therapist with me this week. I want to include her as much as I can. I'm hoping the therapist might be able to better answer some questions than if I just tried to muddle through it on my own.

I'm sure it is some kind of breakdown I'm having. All I seem to want to do lately is crawl into a tiny corner and just cry. When I look around our house and see photos of my wife and I on holidays we have been on and look at the smile on our faces and know they were genuine smiles of happiness, well, that just brings me to tears. I feel like I'm somehow in the process of erasing that person from my wife's life and also from my life and it makes me very sad. I'm stealing that away from my wife. I don't know what to do. It really hurts to think about it. I was happy in these photos. What happened. Am I not the same person anymore? Am I just erasing that happy person from existence? I feel so lost. I don't even know what I am. It hurts my head thinking about it. My mind just goes back and forth between male & female and everything in between.

I want to apologise for most of my posts coming across as long rants of "whoa is me" self pity. One day I will post something happy on here. Well..... my wife is still with me and is accepting of me and loves me for who I am. That's happy! I'll try and keep out the negative stuff sometime. But for now I need to vent a little, so if you are reading this, thank you for being there. I already feel a little better by just letting some steam off.

Jayne

[KatelynBG]

Believe me when I tell you Jayne, you're doing ok. I get what you are going through (I am in quite a similar situation) and you are ok right now.

[Jayne01]

Thanks Katelyn. I generally feel ok with the occasional total meltdown.

[chuufk]

I'm sure it is some kind of breakdown I'm having. All I seem to want to do lately is crawl into a tiny corner and just cry.

Been there. Done that.

When I look around our house and see photos of my wife and I on holidays we have been on and look at the smile on our faces and know they were genuine smiles of happiness, well, that just brings me to tears. I feel like I'm somehow in the process of erasing that person from my wife's life and also from my life and it makes me very sad. I'm stealing that away from my wife.

That is more or less what has happened. That is what my wife and her friends said to me and I denied it at the time. I insisted I was still me, but I was not. "He" was a fake. People liked him but he was not really me. Eventually, those who hung around got to know me and told me that the genuine me was much, much nicer than "him", but your analysis is spot on. The plus is that the future will be better for those who stand by you.

I have finished my transition and I now feel the calmest and most relaxed and happiest I have ever been in my life. There is hope for the future even if that is a long way away. Today's truth is that you transition then you will upset people's lives but if you do not transition you will upset people's lives and probably in an even worse way. You have to do something and if transition brings eventual peace to you and those around you then it will be the least bad option.

I want to apologise for most of my posts coming across as long rants of "whoa is me" self pity.

Your world has been turned upside down. You are in fear of losing everything and everyone. You have not yet learned to manage with living in a social role that you were not raised in. It is not easy. You have a short time to learn everything that a woman has spent her life learning. It is entirely reasonable that your posts are full of pain and confusion and looking for support.

This is not my first time here and many years ago my posts were just like yours. Now I respond to other people who go through what I went through. Perhaps in time you will do the same, but for now all I can say to you is that this stage you are at is one of the most difficult and upsetting stages of transition but if you keep at it then you will get through it.