I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to explode!

[Jayne01]

Thank you chuufk and Deborah for your support. I have just spent the past hour lying in the fetal position crying my eyes out. I'm not even exactly sure why I am crying. It's possible that it is sinking in that yes I am transgender and that is terrifying to me. It is terrifying because of everything that being transgender would mean. Family, friends, work. I know it is not an impossible task. All you wonderful people are living proof that life goes on and indeed gets better. That knowledge doesn't make it any less scary.

My brother asked me to be godfather to his daughter. Of course I said yes. I would love to. But I have not come out to anyone except my wife and therapist. The christening is about 4 weeks away. I owe it my brother to tell him about my "condition". I don't know if I'm ready to come out to anyone else just yet, since I barely accept myself. But he needs to know that his daughter's godfather could potentially be her godmother some day. That is causing me quite a bit of stress on top of all the other crap going on in my head. I will speak to my therapist about it next week.

Why does it have to be so hard to just simply be alive???

Jayne

[chuufk]

I have also sat in the fetal position  for hours at a time. What you are experiencing is normal for trans. You are at the most terrifying stage where no one knows about you and you cannot understand how you will be able to tell anyone.

Oddly enough once you start telling someone it gets easier to tell other folk.

[Jayne01]

Yesterday I did a little experiment. In the morning I was working on my car for a while. During that time the dysphoria was gone. I had to make a conscious effort to think about my gender. So much so that I couldn't understand why I ever thought I was female in my brain. So I thought I should shave my legs. Not because that is what I felt I should do right then. In the past I thought women shave their legs, so I should too. But yesterday I approached it differently, because the dysphoria wasn't there at the time. So I decided to shave to see what reaction I would have afterwards. It was kind of mixed feelings. I thought, yes I like the feeling of smooth skin and the abundance of fur gone, but I was also thinking "what are you doing man?".

Well today I woke up in a very unpleasant place. I realised I actually like being shaved, and it suddenly became very real for me! It feels to me like it is the first tiny tiny step in transition, and it is like male me has no say in the matter. I think I would have been able to handle a doctor telling me I have 3 months to live better than accepting myself as transgender, let alone transition. (I hope I haven't offended anybody. I'm not saying being transgender is a bad thing, it is just incredibly hard to accept myself as transgender)

I have been awake now for nearly 7 hours and still haven't managed to get out of bed. Between crying and beating myself up (literally! I think I now have a bruise on my leg from punching myself). I want to be a man. I don't want to be a woman. Yet my brain keeps fighting me and telling me I have the wrong body and should really have all the female bits. I just don't understand. If I am transgender (MTF), shouldn't I "want" to be a woman? It's like there are 2 parts to my brain having this battle, and who wins is anyone's guess.

Than you for putting up with my ranting. I'm having a bad time lately.

Jayne

[KatelynBG]

Been there. Your brain is battling your emotions. If I had a dollar for every time I told myself to man up.... ugh, no thanks, I will never say that phrase to myself again.

[Dena]

Jayne01: I am sure you have read my post and I have left enough of them laying around I suspect pretty well everybody has. I sound relaxed, calm and well put together but that wasn't case about 40 years ago. The pressure had built to the point where I came very close to ending my life. The only thing that stopped me was I decided that there was one option for happiness that I hadn't tried and that was a medical solution. Even after that there was a good deal of crying, depression and days were I was dragging all day long because I was tired of fighting to move forward. I wanted peace. I wanted help because I didn't a clue how to pull off a transition. I didn't know makeup. I didn't know what to do with my voice. I didn't know what to do with my facial hair. I even feared growing my hair out less somebody might figure out what was on my mind.

My therapy group was like Susan's helping me with all those problems and when I could see the woman in the mirror, the pain started to fade. The doctor was really good and much of the advice I give others was given to me by my doctor.

By the time I was ready for surgery, all the pain and depression was gone and it has never come back. I am happy because I can enjoy the many small things in life that give pleasure. Sometimes walking out the door and seeing how nice the day is. Other times walking out side and seeing the excitement of a storm forming. The company of others or enjoying a past time like being on Susan's. Once the pain is out of the way there is much pleasure to be found.

You are very early in the process and the next few months will be difficult. We will help you all we can but the battle inside you is going to continue. If you stay with us, I can promise you a bright future.

[chuufk]

I just don't understand. If I am transgender (MTF), shouldn't I "want" to be a woman? It's like there are 2 parts to my brain having this battle

The problem is that you do not "want" to be a woman.  You  are a woman who can no longer tolerate her situation.

Take a few days off, let yourself go with it and see how you feel, but I suspect that the real problem is the fear of how others will react if you tell them.

[MsMarlo]

Jayne, have you actually talked to your wife about it?  That is a big step, and kind of a crossroads.  In the end though, you have to do for you and no one else; otherwise, you'll wind up hating and that is never any good.

I wish I had my license already and I could get you down here to Mobile; I would counsel you and anyone else who needs it at a nice discounted rate (as any member would get) or pro bono if it were necessary.  It can get noisy, yes.  The noise will not go away; you have to learn how to control it and to not let it control you.

Let me know how it is going, k?

Always,
Marlo

[Jayne01]

Thank you all so very much for your support. It helps even though sometimes it may not seem that way when you read my rants, but slowly I'm understanding.

Dena, thank you for sharing a little about your past. I hope I can come through this and be as happy and relaxed as you seem to be.

Marlo, yes, I have spoken with my wife. She has been amazingly supportive and understanding, more than I deserve actually, with my frequent meltdowns.

I met my wife at her work for lunch today. I actually felt a lot better after lunch. We are both riding in a charity bicycle ride for cancer this weekend. I'm looking forward to it and getting my mind off things for a couple of days.

Thank you everyone once again for your support. It means a lot to me.

Jayne

[Jayne01]

Hi again. Sorry if my last post didn't make too much sense. I wrote it late at night when I should have been asleep.

I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Must have woken up on the happy side of the bed instead of the self pity grumpy side I woke up on yesterday.

I really want to sincerely thank you all for your continual support. You are all such nice people taking time to help complete strangers. Before joining this forum, I used to think the world was running out of good people. I'm glad that is not the case.

On a different subject. I found this makeover app for my iPhone the other day. I was having fun changing hair styles and applying makeup to myself. The app is really cool. My skills at hair and makeup, not so much!  I created some....lets just say interesting.....versions of myself. I was wondering what I would look like as a female. More practice needed, unless I'm going to audition for a circus!

Jayne

[Kylie1]

Excellent thread!  It's so nice to know people have gone through what I'm going through and have thought the same thoughts as me. 
You're all the most wonderful bunch of supportive ladies I've ever seen. 

Thank You!

[Paige]

You're all the most wonderful bunch of supportive ladies I've ever seen. 

This should be said more often.  Without you ladies here, I think I would have gone crazy quite some time ago.

Paige

[Jayne01]

I'm really happy that this thread is helping other people. I was feeling a little selfish thinking only I was benefiting.

Jayne

[iMarcella]

I remember doing this myself. It was the night I finally broke the barrier that kept me fromg accepting that I am trans. I cried, I was afraid of the implications. First thing that came to my mind was "no one will know." However, if no one will know and I'll live like this without transitioning, life would be terrible for me. So I cried coz I'll never be complete..

Then I realized something, everything can be planned. Now, I'm planning on moving out, going to a different city far from people I know and live a new life. It'll take long before I could save enough, but I'm getting there. There are sacrifices, family is one of them, but I need to start a new. A rebirth.

[JoanneB]

I'm really happy that this thread is helping other people. I was feeling a little selfish thinking only I was benefiting.

Jayne

I have to think a lot of "Oldye Timers" are here because we've ran the gauntlet and survived. Anything, any hint, any clue, any trick, any insight etc., that we've picked up along the way we are eager and anxious to share.

So is it being selfish accepting a gift given freely?

[Jayne01]

Hi iMarcella and Joanne. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your support. Getting s range of advice from "Oldye Timers" and new is really fantastic.

I'm back in a weird place. The dysphoria hasn't really been there today and most of yesterday. It has left me questioning once again if I am really transgender or is there something else going on. It is very confusing when this happens. Some days I think yes I am female and want full transition, surgery, the works. Then other days it's more like "dude! What are you thinking. You are happy just as you are". Don't be surprised if in a day or two I put another post up here in the complete opposite mindset.

Jayne

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Hi Jayne,

You and I are in similar positions, I "came out to myself" at the end of August. I have similar feelings, where some days I feel fine and wonder what the fuss is about, and others where the dysphoria is terrible. When you're feeling good it's natural to question your transness, things would be so easy if you weren't. I can't read your mind but for me I know that the simple fact that I couldn't sleep for three days after coming out to myself, and that the more I experiment with femininity the better I feel means that I am on the trans* spectrum no matter what.

My therapist has told me that I need to not think about transitioning or not as some sort of either or proposition. I should view it as "what steps can I take to make myself feel more comfortable" if that means hormones and surgery so be it, if it doesn't need to go that far then great. I think you might want to try thinking about it that way.

None of us asked to have this, whatever path you end up choosing yo should feel some amount of pride that you've faced down something few people can imagine dealing with.

E

[JoanneB]

Hi iMarcella and Joanne. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your support. Getting s range of advice from "Oldye Timers" and new is really fantastic.

I'm back in a weird place. The dysphoria hasn't really been there today and most of yesterday. It has left me questioning once again if I am really transgender or is there something else going on. It is very confusing when this happens. Some days I think yes I am female and want full transition, surgery, the works. Then other days it's more like "dude! What are you thinking. You are happy just as you are". Don't be surprised if in a day or two I put another post up here in the complete opposite mindset.

Jayne

It is a good 6 years now that I took the first real step of my journey and went to my first ever TG support group meeting in August. I have had MANY WTF Am I Doing  meltdowns in the early years. I still have doubts about myself which goes along with overconfidence about how through the shear force of will I can once again "Get over it".

One of the first absolute truths I remind myself constantly of is:
"I know what does not work"
After a good 30 years of working really really hard at doing the shear force of will, distractions, diversions, and denial route it had finally sunk in that that does not really work without a lot of anger and self medication with alcohol and food. In other words, completely loosing your soul in the process.

The other absolute truth I am reminded of is every morning seeing that happy joy filled woman looking back at me in the mirror. I am not even part-time really and definitely not full. Yet I see her, I see the real me, most days. Yes, there are the darker days when I force myself, I think, to only see the "Sad Old Man".

There are days, the WTF days, I think about my wife and the effect this is having on her. I think about loosing my job if I came out. I think about how I am too oldye for this crap. I think about being a pariah in the community... "One of Those People". I think way too much about loosing the very well earned respect of my co-workers where being a freak will over-ride being the hero engineer 10 to 1. Yet, I've seen the promised land, and crossed over to it. I know first hand the joy of being out in the real world as the real me and having achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.

Oh, the other absolute truth... I am really really good at beating myself up to the point of self destruction. Thankfully I have my live in reality therapist, aka my wife, to hit me up the side of the head with the metaphysical 2x4 to help bring me back to the real world.

This also supports my corollary of "99% of passing is attitude". That and two disastrous experiments back 30 plus years ago with transitioning and having the "Some guy in a dress" attitude envelope me.   

[Lilian]

I have been awake now for nearly 7 hours and still haven't managed to get out of bed. Between crying and beating myself up (literally! I think I now have a bruise on my leg from punching myself). I want to be a man. I don't want to be a woman. Yet my brain keeps fighting me and telling me I have the wrong body and should really have all the female bits. I just don't understand. If I am transgender (MTF), shouldn't I "want" to be a woman? It's like there are 2 parts to my brain having this battle, and who wins is anyone's guess.

Than you for putting up with my ranting. I'm having a bad time lately.

Jayne

Jayne, I feel a lot the same as you.
The thing that keep coming to my mind, is that if I am really a transgender, there is a lot to go through, and I don't  want to take that path.
Many times in my life, I did the question "If I could have a female body, like magic or some god power, like I was born that way, would I get it?" The answer is a huge YES. But having to do the transition, dealing with all the things that come with, I just dont have the courage for that. And admire those who has it.

In time, I get this makeup app that you said, and the feeling when I first saw a female version of my face was so amazing! But I just can't imagine someone else seeing me like that.

Well, and thanks for sharing your story, it is really good to see another people dealing with the same thoughts.

Bye

[Jayne01]

Thank you all again for your support. Just got home after cycling about 210km over the weekend. I'm feeling sore all over, but it was fun and was for a great cause, to raise money for cancer. My wife did it with me this year, and she isn't really a cyclist. I'm so proud of her. I wonder if the lack of dysphoria over the weekend was because there were a lot of other things going on???

E, I'm glad you are also going through something similar. Well, not glad you are actually going through it because it sucks. But I'm glad I'm not the only one. Sounds like good advice from your therapist. I'm seeing my therapist again on Tuesday. Doing a 2 hour session this week, so hopefully we can get through a fair bit.

Joanne, I'm guessing from everything you and others have said that with time, things will get clearer in my head about who and what I am. I too am an engineer that has earned a lot of respect with my co-workers. I don't know what effect it would have if I came out to them, but I suspect I would at least lose some respect and would have to work hard at re-gaining that respect back. I try not to think about that too much, otherwise I would make myself crazier than I already am. I can also relate to you live in therapist. I am lucky enough to have my wife hit my on the side of the head (figuratively speaking) whenever I start beating myself up. She is forever telling me that I am way too hard on myself.

Brunx, taking the path of transition is a really scary thought. I often ask myself if I had that magic button what would I do. I think almost every time my answer is to press the button. On the other hand, if there was a different magic button that only removed the dysphoria and everything else remained unchanged, then I think I would push that button before the one that made me a girl. My reasoning is, if the dysphoria was not there, then there would be no problem and life would just happily go on. Too bad these hypothetical buttons don't exist. I could even be happy to then just toss a coin and go for either button.  You're welcome about me sharing my story. Telling the story helps me a lot, so I should be thanking all you wonderful people for reading and replying.

Jayne

[Lilian]

Well, this button that could remove the dysphoria would solve the problem. But if I had the choice between these two buttons, I would still pushing the one that made me a girl.