Been lurking on here for a while and not really posting. I've been feeling down about everything and haven't really wanted to bore anyone with my depressed ramblings. Everything seems so far in the future and the sheer frustration was getting to me. I can feel the female side of me straining to get out, and keeping it locked up as I continue to appear male to the world was really getting to me.
The past couple of days though, I've started doing something about it. On Monday I ordered my first dress, some tights and some more underwear. It's only a normal black/grey striped dress, nothing special, but after ordering it I was grinning to myself. I can't wait until it comes and I can try it on; I still have a bit of trepidation about wearing women's clothes whilst my body is still male, but I've gotten to the point where I have to try it. I have to do something instead of looking at women, feeling jealous of what they're wearing and feeling vaguely like a creep for looking
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Then yesterday I looked up vocal feminisation on Youtube and had a go. I only managed about twenty minutes before I had to stop (and then my laptop messed up eating up the rest of the evening), but it felt good. It annoyed me a bit how I could still hear my male voice creeping in, but it's very early days so whatevs. The important thing is I took a step towards realising who I am, and I actually want to keep practising it instead of getting dissuaded quickly like I normally do.
Then today in work the weirdest thing happened; I started to grin, and I felt happy. It was uncontrollable, like it just came over me in a wave. I actually felt good about everything that's going on, and I still do. It felt like I've begun the process of shedding all the parts of myself that I hate, which is great. I can get rid of my stupid name, and my stupid voice which I hate (especially when it goes all croaky... ugh), and my plain dress sense which I've always kept because I didn't care enough to change it. When I close my eyes I can feel the real me just underneath waiting to break free, and that's a great feeling
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Of course, all of this may have to expedite my timetable. I doubt I can keep a lid on this for too long, and I might have to start identifying as female in certain circumstances sooner rather than later instead of waiting for therapy to start. Still, if it makes me feel this good it will be worth it
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Alex
