Hi everybody, returning member here! I'm not quite sure where I left off on my last posts, but life has been happening.
I got my HRT letter at the age of 16 and on the drive home from that therapy session, something in me just... clicked. My dysphoria was gone, content was I to be cismale. Every several months, probably four times a year or so I'd have a small relapse which I would just ignore and shove under the rug, telling myself how much better off I'd be to not have to go through transition or rely on hormones for the rest of my life.
I still know this to be true, however my dysphoria has recently returned by at a magnitude only felt at the peak of the curve and isn't showing any signs of leaving again. I've decided this time around to carefully embrace it. I've decided that if this is the way it's going to be, there's no use causing myself any more pain over it, but at the same time don't want to fall into a way of thinking that may soon disappear without a trace again.
This time around I'm critically older and much more mature in every aspect. I own my own house (Well... Kind of. I've halfway moved into a vintage RV and I couldn't be happier about it) and am much more independent than I was at the age of 16, go figure. I've purchased my own feminine clothing, a feat which I wouldn't dare attempt if I were still living at home. I've never had a private place of my own in my life, or any kind of privacy in general, really. You can imagine how critical this is to me, I'm sure.
On top of that, I have a wonderful girlfriend who is okay with the thought of me transitioning, though this is still something I'm questioning. She's better than anybody I could ask for; She loves me, loves the idea of touring the world in my camper, is a fantastic vocalist, talented dancer... And also confided in me months into our relationship that she feels she should have been born a boy and has always felt that way. I try to practice the golden rule whenever possible, she must just be karma returning the favor
So that's what's new in my life, I have to say that all things considered I think it's progressed positively. I have several theories for why my crippling dysphoria may have hidden itself. Previously I'd thought that it all may have been an act of rebellion against my parents, by getting the HRT letter I'd proven all I needed to prove and that was good enough. In retrospect, I don't believe that at all. The more likely scenario is that on some level I knew that transitioning in high school was going to be hell for me, and that it was a much better idea to just make everything better until it was a more viable option, though I could very easily be wrong.
I'll be seeing you all around!
