Some feedback on my very long letter to womens-only gym please

[Ms Grace]

Thank you very, very much everyone for your helpful feedback. On reflection, yes it needs to be about a quarter the length, so time to get the editing shears out! I guess I went for an essay here or a four part blog post because I wanted to cover all bases but I see the point, and having worked at an organisation where we used to get lengthy crackpot letters, um, yeah...

Anyway, better to have too much to work with than too little, I've also asked the Gender Centre for feed back but in the meantime I'll see what I can do to create something a bit more to the point.

[Isabelle]

Do you actually want a membership at the gym?

[Ms Grace]

Yes but not if the environment remains as is. And if it remains as is, I'm looking to make them be more open about it so other trans women don't suffer the same humiliation.

[Isabelle]

Well, good luck with it then, I hope you can reach a positive outcome

[stephaniec]

AUSRTALIAN WOMAN SUES HEALTHCLUB CHAIN FOR DISCRIMNATION , WINS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND LAWSUIT IN AUSTRALIA

[Arch]

When approaching a writing project such as this one, I generally write down everything at first.

That draft is for me. I sometimes save it in a file for posterity.

Then, I ask what my audience needs, and I revise accordingly, usually many times. The resulting final draft is for my readers. It is often half the length of the original, but it packs more of a punch.

This is a great "for me" draft, but I think that you should revise for your intended audience and then post another draft here.

[Isabelle]

I think you need to be clear about what you expect in so far as outcomes. Like, get them to talk to some LGBT advisory group, or say, a unisex change room for transgenders with male genitals