Ah, asexuality... Society makes us think we are forced to have sex and a healthy sexuality. That we NEED to have sexual desire, else we are likely sick or have mental problems. It's a real pain in the ass and I think it's insulting and disrepectful to what we are and feel. Honnestly, me and my wife both are pretty much asexual. We had sex a lot of times, and it was good, but how to say it ? We don't really care. We never experienced attraction, hotness... I have tenderness, a ton of it, but sexual attraction ? I'm not sure I ever got that. It took me a long time to figure it out.
Yesterday I was reading a french trans help website, and there was this epic sentence : "androcur is castrating us, getting rid of sexual desire which is the very core of our happiness and well being". Wow. Good lord I have no word to say how utterly stupid and insulting this is. So if I have no sexual attraction I'm unhappy, sick, and I should be treated as soon as possible ? THANK YOU.
However, now that this is said, there's a few thing that should be noted :
- Sexuality as a whole (be it hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, a-) is something always changing over the course of your life (gray sexuality and such, well explained in the link you send us). I had times when I was totally asexual, and times when I was a bit sexually attracted to women. Sometimes a bit sexually attracted to men. Though I have to say that I was mostly asexual all my life, there was time when I actually felt a little of that. And while unnecessary, it was enjoyable. So I don't reject it or the possibility of it and I think you shouldn't.
- Being transgender is likely to cause heavy troubles in your sexuality and taking decisions about sexuality can be very difficult. I'm going to get a vagina, but honnestly, except for the need of being "balanced", I'm not even sure if I'll use it with a boy, or a girl, or if I'll want to use it with -anyone-. It makes decisions on this side a bit hard. Since I'm mostly asexual, why would I care about sensitive preservation and pleasure ? But then, I am curious about it. I don't want to rule any opportunity out. And what if I'm suddently super attracted to the guy I'm in love with ? Then that would be a shame if I'm not functionnal.
Trans people getting super sexual after their SRS is not unheard of. SRS is changing something at the core of your sexuality. Woman getting a boner hours before the SRS, after years not having any. Wet dreams in the recovery room. Etc. That's normal. When you get SRS, you relearn your whole sexuality. It might change in the process.
You're trans, which means you're doing very dangerous, complex, and life-changing stuff that should be handled with super extra caution. Don't rule anything out. You might very well not need testosterone, and you might very well need to cut your clit. But before making those choices, I advise you to do everything possible to make sure these are the right choices.
By the way, maybe you don't like anything about testosterone, which is something I can understand. I enjoy oestrogene, but I quite like being tall with little boobs, because it's who I am. It fits me. Maybe testosterone doesn't fit you and that would be a huge mistake to take it. There's no "good way to be a boy or a girl". Normativity is a pain in the ass. Just be who you are.
Now this aside, I think I understand what you're going through with hating your clit, even though it's totally a strange thing for me. I have heavy dysphoria but never hated my penis. Ultimately penis = clitoris. It's the same tissues and things, shaped differently. But I understand at some point you might hate it so much that there's no way you'd even want to fix it. You just want to scrap it totally. You don't want to hear about it anymore. Your relationship is over. That's harsh on your poor little penis-to-be but maybe it's unavoidable.
Now on a last note, as Isabelle said (I'm quite fond of Isabelle
), if ultimately what you feel best for you is no testosterone + cutting clit + phallo, then go for it by any mean. And be happy. I'm positive you'll find a surgeon, though it will be a lot harder than for the average trans.
Good luck !
