I am sorry in advance if this is whining but I needed to get this off my chest and this is the only place where folks might understand.
Back on Tuesday, on my way home from work, I was verbally assaulted and threatened on my bicycle. I was riding in the bike lane past heavy traffic when all of a sudden I heard aggressive honking. Shortly thereafter a white suv came flying up next to me, trying to run me off the road. Out of the passenger side window the driver was spewing venom. At first I asked what I had done but realized that it was just a wall of hate. So I sped up toward the stopped cars ahead. Swerved between them and over to the safety of the opposite sidewalk. I didn't want this man to have the chance to get near me again.
As I walked my way up the hill he passed and yelled "You are going to hell you sick motherf@$#er!"
I was shaken at first but in a daze. Then it dawned on me what had happened, that I was attacked for being trans. He had clocked me.
I have been passing more and more lately and am rarely misgendered now so this violent misgendering really impacted me. It scared me. It was exactly the hate I was afraid of in the closet. But I faced it and he was pathetic. Even still it was hard for me to leave the house the next morning. I thought I was dealing with it okay but there was tension still in the back of my mind.
Then came yesterday at work. A coworker called me by my old name and instantly self corrected and apologized. But it sent me into a tailspin. She and the other woman I was working with have been amazingly supportive and include me without question in their world. But that ugly little voice started telling me how I will never belong and all the other horid dysphoric lies.
I broke down several times and hid away crying.
But I made it to lunch, enjoyed my food with the others in the break room. As I was headed outside to deal with the inner turmoil a male coworker called me by my old name, self corrected and apologized. I ran outside for more hiding.
The rest of the day was miserable and I felt so lonely and alien. Convinced that no one would ever see me except as the old me. My inner thoughts were getting destructive. But I pushed it all away.
Back at home I was hanging out with my friends/roommates. The people who know me best. The first people I came out to. Trusted confidants. And just as I was feeling okay...he called me by my old name, self corrected and apologized.
I ran outside for more of the worst.
I had no one to blame, no explanation just the understanding that all anyone sees is the "him" I never was. They just humored me when they said they supported me.
It is all such an awful coincidence.
I know that the negative thoughts aren't true, but it all hurts so much.
I feel like I have been negated...
