I am sorry in advance if this is whining but I needed to get this off my chest and this is the only place where folks might understand.

Back on Tuesday, on my way home from work, I was verbally assaulted and threatened on my bicycle. I was riding in the bike lane past heavy traffic when all of a sudden I heard aggressive honking. Shortly thereafter a white suv came flying up next to me, trying to run me off the road. Out of the passenger side window the driver was spewing venom. At first I asked what I had done but realized that it was just a wall of hate. So I sped up toward the stopped cars ahead. Swerved between them and over to the safety of the opposite sidewalk. I didn't want this man to have the chance to get near me again.

As I walked my way up the hill he passed and yelled "You are going to hell you sick motherf@$#er!"

I was shaken at first but in a daze. Then it dawned on me what had happened, that I was attacked for being trans. He had clocked me.

I have been passing more and more lately and am rarely misgendered now so this violent misgendering really impacted me. It scared me. It was exactly the hate I was afraid of in the closet. But I faced it and he was pathetic. Even still it was hard for me to leave the house the next morning. I thought I was dealing with it okay but there was tension still in the back of my mind.

Then came yesterday at work. A coworker called me by my old name and instantly self corrected and apologized. But it sent me into a tailspin. She and the other woman I was working with have been amazingly supportive and include me without question in their world. But that ugly little voice started telling me how I will never belong and all the other horid dysphoric lies.

I broke down several times and hid away crying.

But I made it to lunch, enjoyed my food with the others in the break room. As I was headed outside to deal with the inner turmoil a male coworker called me by my old name, self corrected and apologized. I ran outside for more hiding.

The rest of the day was miserable and I felt so lonely and alien. Convinced that no one would ever see me except as the old me. My inner thoughts were getting destructive. But I pushed it all away.

Back at home I was hanging out with my friends/roommates. The people who know me best. The first people I came out to. Trusted confidants. And just as I was feeling okay...he called me by my old name, self corrected and apologized.

I ran outside for more of the worst.

I had no one to blame, no explanation just the understanding that all anyone sees is the "him" I never was. They just humored me when they said they supported me.

It is all such an awful coincidence.

I know that the negative thoughts aren't true, but it all hurts so much.

I feel like I have been negated...

Hugs, dear. You didn't deserve that. Please give yourself permission to react in whatever way comes up - fear, anger, etc.

Did you report it to the police? Probably wouldn't do much good, but it's taking some action.

I still get clocked from time to time. Not sure how, but I've tried to get used to that fact. I'm not stealth, so for me it's really more of a vanity thing, but it helps to remind myself that I am just as much a woman as a stealth girl who passes 100% A+ perfectly.

That's horrible. The man in the SUV is a sad fool. I'm sure karma has smacked him a couple times for his inconsiderate, bigoted mouth. 😯 The important thing is not to let him get to you. He's already proven himself a coward. I'd call the cops if you recognize the truck.

Thank you suzi and Harley. That helped. No, I didn't report him to the cops. I should have but I have left it a bit late to do so, next time. I sure hope there is no next time though.

Like you said suzi, I don't go out expecting to pass, it just happens more often than not. Or at the very least folks don't misgender me unless they knew me before or have access to my legal name. Even then most folks don't want to and call me by the feminine version of my old name. I don't plan to ever go stealth and am proud to be a trans woman. This man reacted like I had deliberately fooled him and I do believe he was angry at himself.

I don't know why this has affected me so much, it was just made so much worse by yesterday.

I never get the full social dysphoria anymore. I guess this week it came back with a vengeance. I know I lived with it every day for years but I don't have to so much anymore. I guess when it comes it hurts so much more because it isn't part of my daily pain, just a memory of it.

It's the start of a new week. I'd take a leisurely day, a nice cup of coffee, and just unwind. Get that nastiness out of your mind.

Quote from: Harley Quinn on September 13, 2015, 10:16:50 AM
It's the start of a new week. I'd take a leisurely day, a nice cup of coffee, and just unwind. Get that nastiness out of your mind.

You know you're right? Y'all have really helped me on this front with your kind words. Also, I just went for a walk and had a guy wave me across a crosswalk for no reason. I wasn't at the intersection yet and there were no cars coming so he could have turned without trouble. He wanted to objectify me. Wanted to watch me walk in front of his car.

I know it is sad, and sometimes I hate it when guys do that, but right now I really needed that.

Wow that really is horrible!!!

Maybe you ought to get a helmet camera for when you're riding and start reporting d-bags like this to the cops. If the cops don't listen, then maybe the local media will?

As far as getting clocked goes, I don't think I get hard clocked anymore. Guys stare, smile look at me from head to toe and even say hello but I think they just want my attention. I get "ma'am" and "miss" nearly instantly everywhere. I haven't even had my FFS yet (it's planned but not right right now).

Don't worry, there will come a time when passing will just be passe, as it is for me now.

I just realized that I am too strong to let this get to me. I have faced so much already and survived. People have mocked me to my face, pointing and laughing, from ten feet away.  That was back in the first months.

The world is changing, nobody told the bigots that once change has begun there is no going back.

I am strong and I will persevere. I know who I am and I am absolutely confident in that knowledge. Not once during these recent trials have I considered changing for anyone. I even hid out in the women's bathroom at work. The ugly voice tried to get me to detransition or kill myself but even it realized how silly that sounded. No matter what the world throws at me it was way worse in the closet. I prefer to have meaningless strangers hate me then hate myself. Because I can forgive them just as I have learned to forgive myself.

I'm not going anywhere and I will not cower. When I was in my first days of transition I recall looking in a mirror. I said to myself "he walked like this" and I hung my head low. Then I said "I walk like this" and held my head up high. That's what I have done ever since.

This week has toughened me. Disappointed me too. But I am a stronger woman now. More confident in my womanhood. No one can take that from me!

Hugs.

Easy for me to say, but will do -- give your coworkers time. Do behave naturally because you know you belong to the women's world. Get over small trips to get to the goal.

Make a joke when they self-correct

-- Oh, you have your whole life to get used to it! Hopefully you won't need that long!
-- Et tu, Brute?
-- This gets so predictable...
-- I forgive you because you are such a nice person, but please work on it... hey, this is me!
-- Are you even trying to get it right?

Thanks Martine. Jokes are a good idea. I have made a couple with friends but they don't seem to realize I am joking. I am not very funny. I totally understand why my friends slipped, it was just awful timing and a weird series of coincidences. My old name makes rare appearances anymore so to have it happen three times in one day while I was dealing with this past week was too much to bear.

I am thankful all of this happened now. I have grown a lot in this week.

And Kate. "passing will be passé" is such a great phrase as well as something to look forward to!

When throwing a joke that pokes, have response for those whose skin just got pierced.

-- Oh you know I am kidding, right? Well, not really, but that is how I feel too, you know? Let me give you a hug.

Quote from: Martine A. on September 13, 2015, 02:42:35 PM
When throwing a joke that pokes, have response for those whose skin just got pierced.

-- Oh you know I am kidding, right? Well, not really, but that is how I feel too, you know?

Ha!

Might add -- Let me give you a hug! -- because you didn't really apologize (and you shouldn't).
I'd hope they backed off before that hug happened. If they don't, I would go for a touchless one!

Ok let me get this straight. You want me to crack jokes and hug them? You my friend are crazy!

Seriously though, thanks for the cheering up.

You got it! That is the most I could hope for!

I am aware that what I can do here unfortunately doesn't apply to every working environment. But I seriously do have space to do all of the above. And will use it. Entering hrt will probably knock me down, that is why I will have those things prelearned.

My neighbors are great... they know I trim the hedges with a chainsaw, and they've seen me cutting up car chassis with the torch. They are always very sweet... of course it could be the gun rack in the VW Beetle too... 😘