Today, was bizarre, to say the least. Started with a heated talk with my mom, who was asking money for my sister (I have given my family/my sister money in the past), this year alone, I given 5-hundred to my mother. At the end, I given her 2-hundred, and I told her it was for her not talk about me behind my back (guilt trips; "If I had a little sister, I would given at least $20 now and then").
I was depressed when I left my place, and then went into some unknown city on a bus without my cell phone (no GPA). Saw a bunch of stored, found a Halloween store, and then I went in and bought my a wig. My first wig, well it's a cheap $10 one, but it had a girl on the cover, but it was based on the Pirate of the Caribbeans- enough said. I put on today, and try to really see if it's possible. I was kinda' nervous buying it, but it was a Halloween shop, and I'll never the cashier again, and it' wasn't like a pink wig in pigtails.
Too cheap/fake to wear in public, but it was worth the purchase to "visualize" at least. I saw I need only a forehead contour, eyebrow lift, and a nose job. Any more is superficial. Well I look like a dude from the profile, and from the front, I look more feminine.
I'm not a believer in make-up, besides a "red" color pencil I used on my lips and as cheek blush. I think I look best natural.... but that was experimental today, lol. Since I tried lipstick like 6 years ago, and it look like a guy in drag. (or maybe it was the wig?)
That's for today.
---------------------------------
Conclusion, I am going on hormones before this year ends, or at least get started somehow. I still have a fighting chance.
I think I let my family dictate too much of my happiness, and I am going to die unhappy. I rather just lose them, and if they talk about me, I'll just ignore them until they come to terms.
Financially, it's just me putting up excuses for not getting a better job (meaning I have to get my formal education done now). I think I am done with this "oh the 'service' taking all my time". Excuses. And the excuse that I can find a good job with my skillset.... no, it's not happening, I suck at my job, naturally. I'm not fired, because they can't fire me, and they need me.
Boyfriends and love.... I am going to put that on the back-burner until I am least semi-passable.... I am done with love for now.... I won't find what I am looking for otherwise.
