Hi, Chris;
For people who have finally accepted themselves as trans, it's a very scary road. Many have been emotionally injured because their search for what's normal for them is discouraged by society.
My first stepfather was from Georgia and would physically and emotionally abuse me for showing the least hint of femininity, fearing that if he didn't act to 'make a man out of me', I would turn into a ->-bleeped-<-got. He wanted me to play football and other rough ultra-male sports, and tried relentlessly to push me into activities I didn't care for. Others have had similar experiences of varying intensity.
For the trans guys, it's generally a wee bit easier (notice I said 'generally', individual cases can vary widely.) Sadly, most societies code maleness as being preferable to femaleness. But it's still a difficult path for one to take who feels 'the calling', and well-meaning people will make it difficult for the trans-guy to break out of the societal cage.
So, many of us, while we are driven to transition, never learn to accept that we deserve to be our true selves. It always feels as if we're sneaking into a place we don't belong, or stealing an essence that doesn't belong to us. And if we can just somehow keep that part of us hidden, we won't get kicked out of the tent.
It's very hard for some of us to accept for themselves that our trans-selves DO belong -- DO have as much right as anybody else to be wherever it is we wish to be.
I've asked my therapist about this, having heard enough stories about post-SRS depression, and being concerned that I might also be susceptible. She said she was aware of it, too, and that we were going to work on my accepting that I DESERVE to transition, and that I accept that there is nothing wrong with my being a trans-girl. We don't talk much about gender issues, but we work through the kind of crap that might be thrown at me when a small percentage of people detect my trans-ness and decide to air their bigotry about it. What my therapist and I are doing is sort of an emotional drown-proofing, I guess you could call it.
Throw into the mix that boys and girls each have different approaches to sexual intimacy. Basically, girls are attracted to emotions/feelings/personality -- ripped abs or well-cut arms and legs by themselves are not a turn-on, but what it tells us girls about the guys' dedication (and the fact he can afford to spend that much time in a gym) is an indication of some quality that is attractive. I've always fallen into this category -- my partners' looks didn't matter, but their personality was the turn-on.
Boys on the other hand are into body parts. I'm sure you have heard of guys describing themselves as leg-men, etc. They focus on only one part. While at Cindi's place, someone (Dennis, I think,) mentioned a guy that was on his fifth divorce. He would marry a blonde of a particular body shape and between the ages of 25 and 30, then buy her a breast augmentation. When she fell out of his tolerance (usually because she had the audacity to turn 31), he'd divorce her and find another and buy HER a boob-job. He was on his FIFTH divorce, and bankrupt because of it. But he couldn't stop, and was already shopping for #6. It's an extreme example, but it illustrates the point I'm trying to make. And many bio-girls are traumatized by their male lovers losing interest because they've had a kid and now have stretch-marks, or they've lost that sveldt figure, or any number of superficial things. And they take it hard because inside, they're the same person, and now their partner has rejected them.
So, Chris, I would say the kindest thing you can do right now is to give the girl you love the chance and the space and the opportunity to BE an ordinary bio-girl, and help her to keep that
secret... You don't need her there by your side to fight for trans issues. You don't even need to fight in public. You can contact elected representatives by e-mail or phone. You can donate to organizations such as Transgender Law Center or Human Rights Campaign (I've met the San Francisco coordinator.) There are many things you can do without exposing yourself and being a lightning-rod.
Speaking of which, my sister works for the California Department of Motor Vehicles, and I got a rare opportunity to find out how much of a lightning rod I was when I appeared at the
Real ID Town Hall (scroll the pointer to 1 hour 14 minutes to see my bit.) She went to a conference of state DMVs to discuss Real ID that was held in Texas. She told me that for the first half hour, all they could do was talk about the two transsexuals, and she was trying not to giggle because one of the two transsexuals was her brand-new oldest sister! (My line, "Do I look MALE to you?" is an underground hit, I hear..)
Chris, your dilemma is difficult -- You're torn between a loving relationship that is growing but still needs nurturing, and the desire to do something good for many people you will never know and who will likely never show appreciation for what you would like to have done for them (and yourself.) On the other hand, that they may not know nor appreciate your (potential) contribution may allow you the peace of mind to back-burner your activist aspirations and give your girlfriend (and yourself) that which you both need.
I can't tell you the answer. I only hope I've illuminated the problem, and perhaps given you a better idea of the paths you have available.
I hope you may choose well, whatever your choice may be.
('Auntie') Karen
