Feeling out of control

[Asche]

I've been seeing myself as trans for about 2 years now, and will be going in for my first appointment to get hormones in about a week.

Lately, I've been having recurring anxiety attacks, feeling that somehow I or my life is out of control.  It's as if I were going downhill in a car or a soapbox derby cart and neither the steering wheel nor the brakes worked.  I keep bouncing around and haven't yet hit anything.

When I think about it (when I can think about it), tt's not so much what I'm doing in life as who I am that feels out of control.  It's like I don't know from one day to the next who I am or who I'm going to be tomorrow.

I'm guessing it has to do with transition, but not because I can draw a line from one to the other.

Has anybody else felt like this?

[Laura_7]

There are a few rare constellations this month until the end of the month.
Well a few old things might come up... unresolved issues...
you might think about it and about possible solutions...
and maybe just let go...
maybe do a few things...
and trust that it will get better...


If you feel like it please reach out... there are helplines, and they also have a chat...
http://glnh.org/hotline
http://translifeline.org

[suzifrommd]

Has anybody else felt like this?

Pre-transition, I think I could easily have headed down that rabbit hole. I spent (and still spend) a lot of mental energy trying to sort out my gender. I think I was lucky, because, odd as it sounds, my interest in transitioning was independent of my understanding of my gender. I wrote my first post here about how I wanted to transition long before I had accepted myself as Trans. I started making plans to transition while I was still sorting it all out. My therapist encourages that sort of thinking. Whenever I brought up my gender, she discouraged me from trying to figure out "who I am" and concentrate on how I wanted to live.

Your anxiety attacks sound frightening. In my life, anxiety comes from two sources:

1. An unpleasant truth I'm avoiding facing.

2. An uncertain decision that I don't know how to make.

The anxiety shows up long after I've buried something in one of those two categories, a physiological and psychological cost of ignoring it.

I wonder if it has to do with uncertainty about how transition will affect your life?