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You are caring more for your mother and family than you are caring for your self - that is how I read your post. I do not see anything in your post as being selfish to the harm of your mother. In some ways, you are commendable to be so loyal to her yet in other ways so detrimental to your own well-being as you decide how to move your life forward. When you address your own health needs, that does not follow that there is some kind of balance sheet that you are abandoning your family's needs; you can manage your own needs while they manage theirs.
Perhaps your father held to his father-son issue - he always would have seen you as his son no matter had you transitioned to female.
I have read so many others - here and elsewhere - describe the absence of the 'before' person as a 'death'. That occurred within my family. My father characterised my male predecessor's absence as a 'death' - not to me, but to his neighbours. When I went to manage my dad's home and estate after he died (1989), I learned that he told his neighbours that my male predecessor died. Apparently the way he knew them, my dad decided it was better to explain my male predecessor's absence to his neighbours as my male predecessor being dead than telling them I am changed. I played along with his neighbours and became the grieving daughter / sister and they acted none the wiser.
If your mom now alone is one who can support you and your transition, then your decision is easy - your transition will not negatively affect her. Please accept my comment in good effort and I apologise if this resonates harshly. If your mom can't accept you as you - can't accept your transition - then there is little point delaying yourself for someone who can't reciprocate.
Despite my life-time of feminine protesting beginning in childhood at age three, my father did not accept me post-transition. Meanwhile, I accepted my father's position; he was the one who perceived me as his son, not I, and he would have that difficulty changing his perception of me as his daughter. He refused to talk details with me; he had no idea I went all the way. On the other hand, I had a real suspicion that he would have literally died of a broken heart if I did tell him all my details, so it made no point telling him about this process that he would not understand. Our unspoken truce was that he begrudgingly acknowledged my presence as female - though he held fast to his belief that it was still merely a passing fad till the day he died; the Will he made just days before his death identified me as my male predecessor, not Sharon, though he knew that my legal identification is Sharon and female.
I attended a few group counselling sessions for people who recently lost a family member within the prior year. Some of that seemed irrelevant. Yes, I was grieving hard at the permanent absence of my father; I regret not spending more time with him, but realised that he was the one who placed that barrier between us. I so cherish that I devoted nearly every hour of his final three weeks with him when he returned from the hospital and into home hospice care upon his terminal diagnosis. Still, my father died holding little concern for me.
I came to my conclusion at my 1983 post-op recovery. My emotions were busy. I had a transitory thought of suicide - I'll teach a lesson to my family when they collect my corpse to find it female, not male. As I worked through these thoughts, I realised that my family would not care one wit and it was up to me to live my life as best and responsibly as I knew. My living well is its own reward.
About family. I sure hope yours is much better than mine was. My immediate family rejected me; only my sister and I survive and the last time she wrote to me (September 2014) was in an e-mail telling me that she wants nothing more to do with me. Nearly all extended family reject me. The few who apparently claimed they did not reject me merely cut off all contact between us.
One 'out' homosexual uncle who once lived in our home as I was growing up also rejected me. Am I so bad that he excludes my 'T' from the 'LGBT' construct? I seriously suspect that both my parents could not comprehend the differences of 'L', 'G', 'B', and 'T' during their time. Perhaps they were confused that I was a male homosexual. After all, there was a time during the 1950s and 1960s when the medical community perspective was that M-F transsexuals were male homosexuals who wanted the operation to appear as socially acceptable, 'normal' female heterosexuals to their male homosexual partner. That was a failed concept considering that no male homosexual wants his anatomy re-assigned; a M-F true transsexual requires her anatomy to be re-assigned.
I lost most all my friends when I told them of my change. Likewise as with family, those who did not otherwise express rejection merely disconnected communication between us. Apparently, none were 'friends' by any valid definition.
Pony wrote volumes of good perception here and at her link. I offer my best wishes to you, and your mother, and the remainder of all your family and friends.
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