This Is My Story

[vanessa.w]

First I'm gonna talk about my life now then tell you about my child hood. So i am 22 i have a son, i know im young but things happen and i have too handle my responsibilities. i belive im transgender but not 100 percent positive.I think about transitioning i would love to have breasts and more of a girly figure and most of all become more of a woman. I honestly feel more motivated a female. When i go to the gym and wear my tight sweats and panties and girl shirt i feel motivated and independent. I feel happier going out dressed up even though im still scared and nervous. But that's just cause i feel like people are judging Me. I need to also inform you that ive been dressing up as a female and i post them on the internet. But lately the feeling been coming and going for the last couple months i say I'm transgender then i all the sudden start thinking I'm not and that i don't want to be one, maybe its the complications that comes along with it idk i know my sons a reason i just wouldn't want to complicate his life I anyway. The feeling keeps coming and going. I also keep deactivating my account and reactivating it. During the time i believed i wasnt i told my friend witch is a guy the only guy i ever told and he wastes understanding but i told him i want anymore but then i asked him what if told you this before what would you of said, he said he would of supported me and after that it came back i reactivated my account with my pictures and then i shaved my whole body and did my eyebrows girly. Then idk it went away again now its back so that's why I'm writing this. Now lets go on with my child hood to now.


I remember crossdressing at a very young age. I remember around 5 my sisters dressed me up as a girl. I also remember getting teased a lot as a child being called a girl and all. Buttons when i was 6 or 7 i remember dressing up in a dress cause i was playing dress up with my sisters but i also put on underwear i didn't have to but i did. So around the same time i remember wearing womens underwear under my guy clothes. I also would sit down to pee. And i remember another time wearing a pad with them. I also wore them to school but twords the middle of the day for some reason i wanted to take them off cause i felt it was wrong. Then at age 11 and 12 i remember wearing womens underwear and getting caught by my family members they asked me why i was wearing them i told them i just wanted to see how they feel. So at age 12 i was really into womens underwear so much i would masturbate while wearing them. So im assuming this is a pantie fetish but theres more. So around 13-14 i started wearing more clothes and pleasure myself. And all this became frequent. And i also would sleep in Them it made more feel sexy and i liked how i looked I Them. I also always wanted to secretly get Caught and for someone to find out. So im assuming i have a crossdressing fetish cause i get aroused by it. Idk. But i remember dressing up as a girl for holloween. At 17 i liked it but as soon as i got home i had to pleasure myself. So i turned a 18 still doing it dressing up. Now is where it gets confusing for me.
My son was born in October 2014. I was 21 years old. For that holloween me and my girlfriend decided to do a Gender swap so i dressed as a girl and went all out shaved my legs did my make up. I was nervous cause i felt people were judging me idk. But i went home and just relaxed in the clothes and went to sleep. This is when i started to dress up and post the pictures on the internet. My girlfriend did not know about it, i know you should never hide anything from your partner but this all was a big secret. So i started to buy more clothes and all. I never knewwhat transgender was and i started to look it up but i told myself i wasn't cause i liked they i look and i get aroused when I'm in the clothes so idk. So then i wanted to tell my girlfriend about the crossdressing so i wore panties too her house and she saw them and asked why i was wearing them i said i need to do laundry. I did it again but with different color and i told her i feel more comfortable in them. She asked me of i was gay i told her no I'm attracted to women. Meanwhile i was researching more on gender identity. I began to realize that crossdressing was not enough for me and that i would rather live as a female. Then i began to think maybe that's not enough, i though would i give up my sex life too be a woman and the answer was yes. So then my girlfriend was over my house and she found all my clothes she was really angry and started to yell at me and she asked me again if i was gay i said wearing women's clothes has nothing to do with my sexuality. So she excepted the fact i liked to crossdress. We went shopping and all so yeah. Then one day she saw pictures off me on my phone dressed up and she was mad that i was posting them online. I told her that i would stop everything even the crossdressing. But a week later i was doing it again. Was it for attention, maybe support, or even a way share it or a way to get away idk. She found out i told her i couldn't stop, idk its like the girl in me wanted to be free. Then i asked my girlfriend what if i was transgender she said well are you i said im not sure and she said how you not sure, is either are or you aren't & i said im not gonna say i am cause I'm not 100 percent sure. She's really upset she said after all this time you couldn't tell me and i didn't know what to say cause i did realize all of this to just recently. Then in August i told her i really think i am. She told me she would be there with me through it all. But she wanted me to see a therapist first to confirm it & She told me she would still try to be with me even though she's not attracted to women. But shortly after she broke up with me. I was okay with it. And we were still friends. But a week later i told her that i don't think i was transgender cause for some reason it just went away. She was really upset cause she though i did it just to break up with her then she had sex with me then moved out my house. Then shortly after all the feelings came back again. That's pretty much it up to this point. I know its kind of long but i would love to hear feed back and what you all think. Feel free to ask any questions.

[TG CLare]

Dear Vanessa;

I can certainly understand your feelings and can identify with some of the things you have written here. Many of them are quite familiar to me on my own journey.

I liked the feel of women's clothing as a younger person. It wasn't until my later years, much later, actually, I began to occasionally slip on some women's clothing. It felt so good and natural yet the mores of society began to scream in my head that it was wrong for a man to wear articles of women's clothing. I'd repress the feelings until I couldn't any more. I'd go back to wearing something for a while and eventually take it off again.

I was invited to a charity party one day and was challenged to show up as a woman. I did, but my heart must have been beating so fast and my blood pressure would have been astronomically high from the fear and stress. I felt as if everyone knew what I was and was watching me. Once I got inside the venue I calmed way down. I felt so calm and at ease dressed and it was then I realized what was missing.

After that I dressed at home as often as I could. My girl friend didn't like it so I just didn't tell her. I went to Hallowe'en events as a woman, MASH parties as Klinger and it was great! No one suspected my alternate lifestyle! Dressing at home became my deepest, darkest secret from everyone including my girl friend.

Eventually I began to under dress when I left the house and was "busted" one day when a female co-worker ran her finger playfully down my back and found the band of my bra. I must have jumped like I was touched by a hot poker and we talked about my feelings and the like and she promised to keep it a secret and as far as I know, she did.

My girl friend had me arrange to see a therapist to be "cured" but all that did was to ignite a fire inside of me that won't be put out. Through the therapy I discovered I had Gender Identity Disphoria. At the time it was called GID and the d was for disorder.

She wishes I was gay and could handle that but has accepted I'm trans but it hasn't been easy for the pair of us. We are just friends now and any future I may have had with her has gone. At least she still supports me which is more than I can say for others I know.

So you are not experiencing anything out of the ordinary and I can understand the feelings that you have inside. I would feel female and then supress it until it came back again. Each time it was harder to put her away. It is tormenting to say the least!

My suggestions would be to seek professional help, it certainly can't hurt but please find a clinic with trans experience. Do not do anything that may alienate you from friends and family until you are certain you are trans. Also, don't do anything that cannot be undone easily such as surgery.

Vanessa, transitioning is not an easy road to travel. Some people just know for sure at a young age for sure, others, like us eventually realize we are female years later. I think the younger ones will have a much easier time.

I wish you much luck on discovering yourself and remember you are not alone. There are many of us who have been in your place and each person`s transitioning story is different. Only some aspects are the same, everything else is unique.

Love,
Clare