Coming out support

[Chrisvertner]

I'm Chris and I've only just come to terms with being trans. I've so far come out to a few people that I trust, one who is also transgender and he and I relate closely as we are both married and have children. However, I think my circumstances of coming out to my spouse may not end with the same results. I have been married for five years. My husband is much older than me, but this has never posed issues. Until now. Because while he's certainly not conservative, he does have a way he views things. And while he would not be someone I would consider transphobic, I'm not of the belief that his wife coming out as trans will be something he can handle. Sort of a "I don't have anything against them, but you're my wife and this is different and I cant deal with it" And it scares me. I have no idea how to come out to him. My friend has offered a place to stay should things go south, and while that is helpful, it doesn't make the impending talk with my husband easier. I'm a very timid person, and I've never been good with confrontation. I'm not sure that I'm ready to come out to him yet anyways. I'm still in the fledgling stages of understanding my gender myself. Flitting back and forth between, am I or am I not. Mostly due to fear. I know I'm a man. In some ways I always have. But I'm also fighting the internal ideas that I'm not masculine enough because I like certain things considered feminine. Or that I don't mind dresses and skirts. I'm also not hugely dysphoric as of now. I do have my moments where it's too much. But at the moment, I'm not in a rush to transition. So I fight with the idea that I'm valid enough even though I know what I feel in my heart. So coming out to my husband is not something I'm truly ready for. But I'd like some advice for how to do it none the less. I love him, and I don't want to loose him. But at the same time, I don't want either of us uncomfortable. If he is not certain he would be happy with a transgender spouse, I do not want to force him to have to stay with me. Or to make him think he has to. I know it's not an easy thing for me, but I can understand it must not be easy for him either. This is a tough thing to deal with and I don't know how to go about it. There is the prospect we might be moving across the country come spring. I feel like I want to come out before then, so that we don't get moved and settled and I come out and find myself split up with no where to go. If it comes to a split up now, I have a place to go. But I still don't have a car or job as the only car we have is my father in laws that he lets us use and my husband is the only one working and I stay home with our son. I just need some help. Some advice. I have a bit of anxiety over various things and coming to terms with this is something that's been putting a great deal of pressure on that anxiety. I'm sorry if my wording in this post seems jumbled. I've never been good at sorting words out. Another reason coming out seems difficult as I don't know how to explain it or make any of this make sense. I would appreciate any help I can get right now. My friend has been great but his experiences differ from mine in that he and his husband have been together since high school and are the same age. Working things out was a struggle but in the end their relationship was salvageable. I'm very scared mine will not be.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. Coming out is not predictable and many people call it wrong but you never know until you try. We are willing to help you with the wording but there is something else I am not sure you are aware of. There is a class of people who fit the description of non-binary. They don't identify as male or female but they are somewhere in between. Your description of yourself sounds like it could describe you. We have people here who have had sex reassignment and are also non binary. It is something to think about while you explore this web site. If you have any questions I can help you with, let me know.

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[Jacqueline]

Chrisvertner

I would love to help and give advice but don't feel very qualified to do either. I can mostly just be a shoulder to lean/cry on. The biggest suggestion I would give is to try to find a therapist to work through some of these thoughts and feelings.

About 6 months ago I was in a similar situation. I was very worried about talking to my wife about this. Being transgender is something that is relatively new to me, considering my age. I was either not very self observant or really in denial. We are celebrating our 25th anniversary very soon and I was so worried our relationship would collapse. It has not. I am not saying that is true for all. It may not even stay true in a year but we are trying.

Therapy was very helpful for me to work through much of this for myself. It is hard to tell someone something you have strong thoughts about if you have not worked through much of it yourself. I could not tell my wife how far I need to go(dysphoria seems to have had the better part of me for a number of years and I kind of hit a wall). So, we are taking things slowly. Keeping honest communication lines open as possible(sounds like that might be a challenge?). We have three teenage daughters and may be able to tell them soon but have not yet.

It does sound like talking before a huge shift  would be best. Whether you stay together or not. It would be tempting to wait till after and everything has calmed down but that could be a mistake in many ways.

I cannot tell you what to do. Again, I would encourage therapy if you can. As Dena suggested, exploring and researching is a good thing. I originally thought I was a cross dresser till I researched. I found somethings fit mentally and desire wise and some did not. Ask questions here and with your friend and others. Many people have very similar stories but almost everyone's is individual. What is true for one is not always so for others.

I feel like I am lecturing and just saying obvious things now. I can say people gave me advice for coming out to my spouse. I will try to clearly mention some of them;
-try to generally know where you think you need to go
-learn as much as you can to be able to speak to these things(but don't let it bog you down so you are paralyzed)
-breathe
-stay as grounded as you can
-explain as much as you need to but don't over explain(this can be overwhelming to hear)
-breath
-be ready to answer any question you or a friend role playing can pose(sometimes "I'm not sure" is cool)
-be ready to answer the same question over and over as calmly as possible
-don't let it drop but be able to give time and space to let it truly sink in
-anger, fear, rejection are not always the root-they may show up but it may shift with some time
-breathe(see a pattern here?)

It is terrifying. At least it was for me. I wish you luck and love and acceptance. I hope your journey is relatively smooth, wherever it takes you. Feel free to reach out to us here. It is a very supportive group.

With warmth
Joanna