How can I deal with my body issues?

[Butterfly]

This requires a bit of explanation, so bear with me, please...

Right now I'm going through a sort of tough time, I guess? I dropped out of university about 4-5 months back, and I haven't been able to find a job since then. I don't have any serious work experience, so no one really wants to hire me (being visibly transqueer and mentally ill probably doesn't help either). And even though I've been trying to be more careful with my money (I have issues with not being able to say "No" to strangers who ask me for it), I ran out a little while ago. I'm also sort of homeless, since I obviously can't afford a place of my own right now, but a friend I met not long after I dropped out is taking care of me, although I'm not really comfortable with it, since at this point he literally pays for everything and I have no way to contribute. Plus I feel like moving to Connecticut when all of my medical appointments have to happen in Massachusetts was a big factor in how quickly I ran out of cash. I'm also really depressed, which isn't anything new, just a chronic condition for me.

And honestly, none of that really bothers me, except in the vague sense of "wow, this really sucks." I'm actually much more concerned with my body issues right now, because having no money means I've kind of had to put my medical/physical transition on hold. I was getting facial electrolysis for while, but I actually missed my last appointment due to not being able to afford the bus, so now I can't really continue, and I have a debt to pay off before i can even start up again (assuming my previous electrologist is even okay with seeing me anymore, which she might not be). So my facial hair is growing back now, except I can no longer do anything about it, which is kind of a big deal for me because hair has always been a big trigger for my dysphoria, even before I was consciously aware that I was trans. I also really really really want to get SRS, because I have a lot of dysphoria around my junk, but now that whole possibility seems even further removed from my life than ever before. And as much as I don't want to think about it, if nothing changes, I may end up not being able to afford HRT anymore. I have $30 left, which is what I need to cover my meds for another month (I think), but after that I'm kind of screwed.

Being on HRT and getting electrolysis didn't fix all my problems over night, obviously, but they were giving me a sense of progress that made my body feel less like a prison and more like crappy temporary housing. But now I don't even have that, and it's kind of eating me up in side, and exacerbating my dysphoria and my OCD-related body issues unrelated to me being trans. For example, the other day I kind of had an extended moment of craziness, during which I tried to cut a few moles out of my skin with a razor blade, which did not go well, and the results aren't healing very quickly either. And my eating disorder is starting to rear up again, so that's fun. Oh, and I shaved off all my hair, and my eyebrows, and I can't let my eyebrows grow back because I actually feel worse with my eyebrows the way they are than with no eyebrows at all. And to be completely honest, with my current situation and my way of thinking, if I ever have to stop HRT, I will probably kill myself. Or do something very drastic to my body that might end up killing me anyways. Or both.

...I don't really know what I'm trying to ask anymore. I just feel really disgusting and miserable and there's nothing I can do to combat the things that make me feel disgusting, so I don't know what else to do. And I feel really hopeless because I know that if I don't do something my body issues will eventually get to be too much for me to handle anymore. And I really don't want to live with my friend anymore, because I hate being such a burden to him, but I also don't want to go through all of this in a homeless shelter, surrounded by strangers. Because everyone around me seems to think I'm either a crazy man or a sex worker. And I want to avoid dying if I can, if only because I hate making other people sad. But I also can't really talk about these things because that also makes people sad.

So... what I can I do to deal with all of this? I guess that's the question.

[Swayallday]

So... what I can I do to deal with all of this? I guess that's the question.

Hi there.
My situation is the same.

Have you thought about trying to have a social worker guide you along?
& if you're not comfy with revealing too much, just talk about finishing school and that you really want to work.
Volunteerwork?

[CarlyMcx]

What is your health insurance situation?  If you are unemployed and homeless (or nearly so) you should be eligible for fully subsidized Obamacare.  If you do not have health insurance, enrollment is in November, for it to start in January.  Get enrolled, get checked out, get your meds paid for.  Obamacare is also supposed to cover therapy, hormones and SRS, but I hear that therapists who will take Obamacare are few and far between.  YMMV.

If you cannot bring yourself to do the personal grooming things necessary to be presentable enough to get a job, then it may be time to think about disability and SSI.  A diagnosed mental illness can be a qualifying condition.

There is money out there to help you, but you are going to have to do some filling out papers (or forms on the web) and some standing in line and some talking to people in order to get it.

[Laura_7]

What is your health insurance situation?  If you are unemployed and homeless (or nearly so) you should be eligible for fully subsidized Obamacare.  If you do not have health insurance, enrollment is in November, for it to start in January.  Get enrolled, get checked out, get your meds paid for.  Obamacare is also supposed to cover therapy, hormones and SRS, but I hear that therapists who will take Obamacare are few and far between.  YMMV.

If you cannot bring yourself to do the personal grooming things necessary to be presentable enough to get a job, then it may be time to think about disability and SSI.  A diagnosed mental illness can be a qualifying condition.

There is money out there to help you, but you are going to have to do some filling out papers (or forms on the web) and some standing in line and some talking to people in order to get it.

Here was a similar thread about what kind of social worker...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195742.msg1744778.html#msg1744778


hugs

[Butterfly]

@Swayallday: I actually don't really want to finish school right now, because part of my problem was that I realized I disliked my current major and had no passion for the work I was being assigned. If I ever go back, it would only be at a time when I know for sure what I want to get a degree in. Also, I really don't want to take out more loans if I can avoid it, which seems to be impossible for me, even for community college.

And I have tried working with a social worker at a shelter/emergency housing program that I've stayed at before. But the last time I visited, I was told by one of the staff that I'm not supposed to access those resources if I have any form of housing outside of the shelter. Which I did by that point, since my new friend had offered to let me live with him. So I can't really continue down that path until I become fully homeless again, apparently.

Volunteer work is something I did a fair amount of in the past, but I've been staying away from it lately because it feels odd to do unpaid work to help underprivileged members of the community when I myself can't even afford food, and obviously I've been focusing on finding paid work anyway. Whatever amount of volunteering I've done in the past doesn't appear to have had any positive effects on my job search, and it seems that a lot of employers specify that they only care about paid work experience. That said, I am currently looking into volunteer opportunities in my area, if only to give myself something more to do. I'm just not very enthusiastic about it.

@CarlyMcx: I have Harvard Pilgrim Health Care through my parents, which covers things like therapy, HRT, and supposedly SRS, but I still have to make copays which I currently cannot afford. And Obamacare has those, too, as far as I'm aware. Plus transportation is another necessary cost for me because all of my medical stuff takes place in Boston and Worcester, MA, and I'm currently staying in Wethersfield, CT.

As for therapy, I've technically been in semi-regular therapy since kindergarten, but I've had a lot of difficulty finding a therapist who "gets" me. I stopped completely prior to my current situation because the whole thing had started to feel kind of like a waste of money. That said, I am still looking around for a new therapist, because all the physicians in my area who perform non-standard SRS (there don't seem to be many) require a letter from a therapist. But that's pretty much the only reason I'd go back into therapy, if I could even afford it.

Personal grooming isn't really an issue for me since that just equates to oral hygiene and showering on a regular basis. As far as I can tell, my issue with finding work is that I have no experience or marketable skills or concrete career goals, and thus no one sees any point in hiring me. I don't really know what to do about that at this point. I was actually working with a staffing agency over the phone at one point, and the woman I was talking to dropped the call after basically telling me that no company would want to hire me.

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable applying for SSI, as long as I can find any other way to make money. I feel weird being given money for nothing, which is why I'm uncomfortable with my current living situation where someone else pays for literally all of my basic needs. And I've already gotten plenty of money that I didn't deserve. I do have a disability in terms of my mental illness, but I'm not disabled in terms of being unable to do basic, unskilled work. I just want a regular, 9-to-5, 40+ hours-per-week job at minimum wage that I can do until I die. I can live off of that, and pay off my debt, eventually. I just need to get hired somehow.

-

I've realized that, in a lot of ways, I probably would have been better off staying homeless than moving in with my friend, since it would have saved me a lot of money and given me access to other resources. I would have had more time before my savings ran out, at least. But it's kind of a moot point now since I have nothing left to sustain myself on, so I can't choose to go back to the shelter program. I'm going to look into ways to make money while I'm still unemployed, like selling plasma, so I can at least contribute something to my friend besides my company. Or I might use that money to go homeless again so that I can get back in touch with my previous social worker. There's probably no point in thinking that far ahead yet though.

But thank you all for the replies and suggestions. I really do appreciate it, and I'm sorry if I sound like a nay-sayer. But really it's my dysphoria and body OCD that are giving me real trouble right now. Except I guess there's not really anything I can do for that, so I might as well just keep focusing on the job front, I guess.

[Janine]

There's a job out there for you, just keep trying, keep applying, keep fighting.

[Laura_7]

You could simply ask at small places.
Just asking if they need someone and maybe even offering to work one or two days with them as a test.

In small places its often more important that they can see who you are than a written statement.
If someone shows up, makes a reasonable impression and is willing to work they might give a chance.

Not many people want to leaf through a lot of papers to compare.
Some people like to rely on their impression, and liking.
If they have a feeling they could go along with a person it might work.

[Butterfly]

I've been kind of hesitant to say this, because I do really appreciate the replies I've received, and I don't want to seem ungrateful. But it's something that pressing on me more and more, and it's not something I can really talk about to my friends, so I have to ask.

As I said in my original post, my unemployment situation is actually not the most pressing problem in my life right now, but rather my body issues and dysphoria are. There's no question whether or not I can survive unemployment because I don't need a job to keep myself from starving. Even without outside support, there are plenty of illegal things I'm willing to do in order to feed myself, if it ever becomes necessary.

But it is questionable whether or not I can survive dysphoria. I can hardly function as person the way I am ~now~, and things are only going to get worse if I can't keep paying for treatment. And I don't think I can handle that. So my question is, when someone has already reached the point of "medically transition or die," what can they do when medically transitioning is no longer an option?

[Laura_7]

-have you inquired if there are some means for hrt for special groups at plannedparenthood, at lgbt centers or similar ?
-have you inquired if some parts of it might be covered ? You might ask a social worker.
-you might try to play a bit with hair and clothing style... so a partial transition might be possible...

and and if you feel like it please reach out...
you can call here... they also have a chat:
www.thetrevorproject.org/

www.translifeline.org