Advice for dealing with a passively-unsupportive father?

[Carrie Liz]

So, I see a lot of advice on here for people with completely unsupportive parents... the type of parent who says "I outright reject you, I don't want to see you again, repent and return to God!"

But what about parents who, while they aren't completely rejecting, and they still indeed are actually talking to you, and actually are accepting of the existence of trans people in general, they think that you're wrong about being one, and they're very clearly not happy with you being trans?

My dad is like this, where even though he tells me that he loves me and tells me that he supports my "decisions" even if he disagrees with them, I can tell that me transitioning makes him VERY uncomfortable. Every time I've told him what I'm doing that's transition-related, his response has been this sort of scoff followed by shaking his head, as if he's in disbelief that I'm being serious. His tone of voice is basically "so you're taking ESTROGEN?" (I shrink down in the chair and embarrasingly admit "yes...") and then he makes this "pfft" sound, like he's in disbelief that I'm really saying this.

The thing is, in my life right now, I've been full-time for a year and a half. I've long since moved on from any doubts and any possible chance of me detransitioning. And the notion of someone still thinking that I'm male just seems completely ludicrous to me, because I look in the mirror and see a self that I recognize for the first time in my life now, while I no longer recognize old pictures of me at all anymore. And yet when talking with Dad, he finds ways to still make me guilty, to still make me feel embarrassed for being who I am, and especially for wanting gender-confirming medical intervention.

Does anyone have any advice for how I can better deal with this?

Every time I think of going to see my dad, I find myself basically talking with myself, trying to find some way to explain it to him that will let him see this thing that I just take for granted in my everyday life, help him see me for who I actually am rather than his constant passive-aggressive rejection which he does through a barrage of scoffs and head-shakings and insults along the lines of "REALLY? You REALLY want to be like this?" which make me feel so embarrassed.

[Ms Grace]

I so understand what you are saying... my father is pretty much exactly the same. 

I wish I could offer you some advice but if there's a solution I haven't cracked it yet...

[suzifrommd]

I'll give you advice, but I don't know you well, your parents at all, or how you related, so it might be totally wrong. But here is what I would do:

First, understand that minimization of your identity is a micro-aggression. It may be coming from a place of love, and it may have to do with trouble getting used to the new you, but it essentially is a way of control. He is either subtly trying to control you, or control what he see/hears about you.

So I would take this very seriously. "Dad, it really upsets me when you react like that. You mean so much to me and I really care what you think, so when you act like you're not wholly accepting, that hurts me."

If he minimizes it, "I was just..." or acts defensive, stick to your guns. "Well, it hurts me." Rehearse that and say it each and every time he does it.

It probably can't hurt to educate him and make sure he knows the basic facts:
* You didn't choose this.
* It isn't going to go away, and nothing will fix it.
* It would destroy you if you didn't transition.
* You are thrilled to be Carrie Liz and it's been a major positive in your life.

Like most daughters, I hear your self-esteem is very tied up in what he thinks of you. That's a hard thing to get away from, but maybe some imagery can help. Envision your father doing one of his put downs, and instead of figuring out some way to explain it to him, imagine reminding yourself what a fabulous, intelligent, interesting, beautiful woman you are, with or without him. Picture yourself with the strength to love him despite the way he treats your transition and appreciating his good points as a father. Every time you're tempted to have that internal dialog with him, replace it with that image.

Finally, I find prayer helps. I'm not religious, so I pray to my inner strength, but it works just as well as praying to heaven. When someone I care about aggravates me, I pray to be able to accept and love a person as they are.

Hugs, Carrie, I really hope this helps. You deserve love and support. I hope the two of you can get to a place where it happens.

[Mariah]

I don't have any experience in regards to fathers since mine died long before my transition, but I have an Uncle with that point of view. Who has excepted me now as his niece and not nephew and gets my name right, but still can't help but mention the repent and come back to God message. All I have been doing is killing him with kindness and being his niece. His is gradually coming around but it takes time. My advice would be for you just to be his daughter and don't change yourself for him. Kill him with kindness and hope that he changes his tune sometimes. I'm not sure that throwing words from the bible back at him would help when really this approach may go over better in the long run. Also remind him of how you feel about what he is doing. It hurts and he needs to know this. Hugs
Mariah

[rachel89]

Pretty much the same thing, except he exploded over painted toenails. This happened August 20, I have not said much to the jerk since.

[Qrachel]

Hi -

He's talking to you still and is willing to interface with you.  That's where he is at, and he'll move one way or the other when he is ready and finds the need to do so.  You can incite this process to move along but the results are pretty unpredictable. 

How about just being you when you are with him.  Don't make your transition a topic; rather, the life you are living is your life and makes you who you are.  So just be his daughter.  If he disrespects you as his daughter there's something to talk about, but then it's on him and you can and should discuss the matter.

And remember, he's transitioning too and from that perspective you can probably intuit where he's at and his basic life view about his new daughter (he's not right or wrong - he's just your dad and that's the way he is right now; tomorrow maybe different).  But even then, as you well know we aren't all that predictable in the short-run when it comes to transitioning.

Show him your love and take care of yourself, especially if you begin feeling little/less than/embarrassed when your transition comes up and he subliminally communicates negatively.  Be proud and humble and loving but at some point realize a quacking duck waddling down the path is a . . .  well, you know and watch where you step.

Take care,

Rachel

[Jill F]

...he finds ways to still make me guilty, to still make me feel embarrassed for being who I am, and especially for wanting gender-confirming medical intervention.

Does anyone have any advice for how I can better deal with this?

Every time I think of going to see my dad, I find myself basically talking with myself, trying to find some way to explain it to him that will let him see this thing that I just take for granted in my everyday life, help him see me for who I actually am rather than his constant passive-aggressive rejection which he does through a barrage of scoffs and head-shakings and insults along the lines of "REALLY? You REALLY want to be like this?" which make me feel so embarrassed.

This is abuse.  You are in no way required to take it.  Your father is bullying you and he continues to do so because you haven't laid down the law yet.  Your life = your rules.  My rules say that if you don't like it, you need to get the hell out of my life until you can come back and demonstrate that your head has come out of your ass.

Don't be embarrassed.  There is nothing to be embarrassed for because there is nothing wrong with being transgender nor is there any shame in being true to yourself.  Be proud, stand up for yourself and never back down.  If your father is embarrassed and feels bad about it, then he brought that upon himself and probably deserves to suffer from his own bigotry.

Do you have any family members who are supporting you that can help run interference with him or remind him of how much of an ass he's being? 

Please deal with this lingering problem ASAP, because the longer it festers, the longer you will suffer it.

Hugs,
Jill

[Carrie Liz]

Just to update people on this topic...

I saw my dad last week.

And, well, after 2.5 years, he seems to have gotten over it.

I had assumed that he was going to do the same thing that he did when I last saw him back in May of 2013, which is when I got the diminishing scoffs and head-shakes and dismissive language that tried to explain away how I felt. As soon as he stopped talking to me on the phone after last Christmas, and as soon as he spent that entire call basically guilt-tripping me about all of the people that I owed thanks to for getting me where I was, I assumed he was still going to be acting the same way when I finally saw him again.

I was wrong.

About a month ago I wrote a note on Facebook basically lamenting the fact that he wasn't talking to me anymore, and spent the ENTIRE note explaining why every single one of the reasons why he'd told me that I wasn't trans back in 2013 weren't true, and that I had long since confronted them and considered them. I ended the note with the following paragraph:

"So I guess what I want to say with this note is, I'm sorry, Dad. I tried so hard to be the person you wanted me to be. I fought against my trans label for so freaking long, trying to convince myself over and over again that it wasn't real, that it really was just me wanting more social freedom, or it really was just a sexual fetish, or that maybe it really was something that would go away if I just graduated college, got a good job, met a nice girl, got my own house, finally got my adult life in order.

But it didn't.

I finally got away from the bullies who tormented me in middle and high school for being effeminate. I believed that I wouldn't have this problem anymore if people were nicer to me. They finally were. But it was still there.

I tried praying it away, trying to become an ideal Christian, begging God to take away my dysphoria and make me normal. But no matter how much I prayed, it was still there.

I fell in love. It was so easy to get hung up on dysphoria while I was lonely and alone, so I thought that maybe she'd help me get over it. And for a time I thought she was the one, we were so close and loved each-other so much that I thought we might get married. But it was still there.

I got my first real job. Finally I had a purpose in life and felt accomplished. But it was still there.

I tried just being a gender-nonconforming guy. I tried letting myself do absolutely everything that I wanted to do while still being male. But it was still there.

I tried holding out hope that it was just a fetish, that it would go away if I got rid of my sex drive. But it was still there.

I'm so sorry. I wish so badly that I could just be the person you want me to be.

But I'm not. At the end of the day, no matter how I tried to change the circumstances in my life to make me feel otherwise, to just accept the body and the gender assignment I was born with, to not feel that fundamental feeling of mismatch anymore, nothing did anything more than make it more easy to tolerate. It never fixed it. And now, this far along, I can say that all of these things that people try to say to discount trans people aren't based on reality. They're just based on society trying to rationalize away something that's fundamentally a biological medical condition just because the existence of trans people makes people uncomfortable.

After posting that note on Facebook, Dad sent me a message saying the following:

"I have always supported your decision(s) and whether or not I agree with them doesn't change the fact that you are free to do what you wish and I fully support your rights to do so. I do not respond to your facebook posts because of someone else that is in your friends list, [my mom], not because of you! As for phone calls, I am usually busy when you call and I have been caught up in so much drama that I haven't had the energy to call back."

And, well, when I saw him, there was none of that prior behavior. He gave me a big hug as soon as he saw me, he introduced me to people as his 'daughter,' he made an effort to use my right name and pronouns all weekend, correcting himself whenever he messed up, we played volleyball, played poker, he payed for me to stay at the camp there with him for the weekend, (I'd come prepared to pay for myself,) and we had a nice long talk where it was just us getting caught up, sharing things that had happened in our lives and how we were feeling, with absolutely no diminishing/rejecting language whatsoever. I even said, when he was wondering if I'd be allowed on a women's "B" volleyball team or not, "Nah, probably best to not push that for another couple of years when the bottom matches the top." And he said nothing negative in reply. After a year straight of my primary fear of SRS being that he'd never accept it, he actually seemed okay with it.

So it looks like the problem is over.

He was surprised when I first told him that I was transitioning 2.5 years ago. And I'm sure he still wishes I didn't have to transition. But after so long of not seeing him, and after me being full-time for so long, it seems like he's finally accepted it. And I feel like seeing me again, seeing me as a girl and yet still happy and upbeat and enjoying life, and talking to him just like we've always talked and still basically being the same person despite being a different gender now, I think it was good for both of us.

So thanks for your support everyone. I did confront him on it, I got a reply, and whether or not it had any effect on him I don't know, but the problem is over.

Also, I've mentioned this on another topic, but I recently found out that I have anxiety, so a LOT of these worries were just my mind running away from me after 8 months of silence. I have a bit of a problem with worrying about the possible worst-case scenario happening, and needlessly letting small problems turn into big problems in my head because of that anxiety. I spent way more time than I'd like to admit basically talking to myself in Dad's voice, preparing to answer to all of the possible negative things he might say to me. After months and months of doing that, not a single one of those negative conversations panned out in real life.

So yeah, I feel kind of dumb for letting my mind run away with me on this.

[stephaniec]

good for you, always good to here the good outcomes

[iKate]

That's awesome. My dad simply doesn't speak to me but I think that's deeper than just transition. He generally just doesn't like me I think.