Coming out to kids - 16 and 23

[Claraaa]

Hello all, I have found some old threads on coming out to kids, but I am not finding what I am looking for.

We have 2 girls; 16 and 23.  The 16 year old still lives with us at home (Mom and I) and the 23 year old lives 3k miles away.  I will be coming out to both of them this weekend; the 16 year in person and the 23 year old over Skype.  I feel confident that both will eventually be very supportive, but I also want to allow for them to get used to the idea of what is going on for me.  My original plan was to talk to our oldest in person, but her plans to fly "home" did not work out and we may not see her until Christmas. 

My plan is to be open and honest with them and describe what is going on for me and how I feel like I am in the vast grey area between the two gender poles.  But I would like to be a bit more "prepared" for the questions I may get.  I am thinking more about the 16 year old.  She is not entirely ignorant here but a good deal of her understanding may come from "I Am Cait"; whose narrative I currently don't identify with.  The 23 year old majored in Woman's studies with a minor in Psych and Gender studies so I think she probably gets many of the nuances here (maybe I will learn something from her) and her questions/concerns will be more around Mom and I.

So my ask of this group is does anyone have any experiences, wisdom or references to help me out?  For instance...

• Things to avoid saying
• Words to stay away from
• I am planning on Mom and I doing it together
• Video conference vs In person?

The following is a short list of how I am going to approach this.

• Be honest
• Be patient
• Be confident
• Be respectful
• Be simple
• Be yourself
• She is loved
• She is safe

Cheers,
Clara

[Dena]

Work out your prepared speech and then throw it away. The problem with preplanning and using that plan is that people will accept the information at a different rate. Knowing what you want to express is important but when you are laying out the story they may accept the information fast or slow. Something I learned from teaching people we hired is watch their face and listen to their response. If their responses are slow or missing and they have a glassy look in their eyes, you have overloaded them and need to get them caught up. Otherwise, continue with your story,

I hope it goes well for you.

[CarlyMcx]

You may be pleasantly surprised with the reaction of your 16 year old.  In this day and age, most kids that age have at least one friend who is openly gay or lesbian, or maybe more than one, and some even have a friend, or a friend of a friend, who is transgender.

Remember, roughly 1 out of every 300 people is transgender.  I am told the average person has around 300 Facebook friends.

So I would say the odds are pretty good that your daughter has some kind of real world experience with gender variance, and kids that age are pretty tolerant for the most part.

I would not worry about it.

[Claraaa]

Quick update.  I came out to the 16 year old on Friday evening and she handled it well.  I was not as direct as I wanted to be in the beginning and my wife helped get me on track.  She is a good kid and has at times been exploring her sexual preference, so I felt that at an intellectual level she would be able to accept the trans-ness.

The interesting part will be when she is actually introduced to Clara and the reality hits.  Again not too concerned overall, but I gave her permission to speak her mind and let me know what was going on.

Talking to the 23 year old today over video conference. 

Cheers,
Clara