Acceptance is so hard.

[Karlee]

I now understand "balanced on the sharp edge of a knife"...

I don't know what I am doing or what to think, it really is so hard. I'm petrified that I'm going to make the wrong decision. I kind of feel like the confusion about my identity is a sign that I'm not living my real life, but I also feel a bit silly for having those feelings. I'm so indecisive...my mum always told me that I never do anything unless I am 100% ready, and maybe it's true for this as well.

I feel like on one day, I'm okay being me and that I should forget about these feelings. But then the next day, I get jealous of all the other girls around me being girls and that I can't, or am not, that. It's so off and on that I almost feel paralyzed and in limbo about who I am, what I'm doing, what my future will be. Some day's I just cannot concentrate.

I know a lot of people on these forums have gone through the same thing. And I feel, writing this, that I'm almost trying to justify these feelings and prove to myself that it is of substance...that the younger days when I'd fantasize about being a girl and dress up on any occasion I could, to buying women's clothes and makeup, to going out in public dressed as a girl and loving it, to taking photos and having private "girls nights" by myself and wanting to be alone with a wardrobe full of dresses, skirts, heels, makeup to myself, to play with and have a sense of femininity in my appearance and feelings. To joining this wonderful community, dieting and exercising for a more feminine figure.

Ugh, writing it out makes it seem so clear, but makes it all so scary. I feel like the signs point to something deeper inside that needs exploring, but I guess being conditioned to being "born a male" and the role I was assigned physically at birth makes it hard to accept. I've struggled with this for as long as I could remember, but nothing seems to be clear. Am I going to regret the decisions I make? I guess nobody could ever know, if you don't try.

I guess I'm filled with a lot of emotions right now, because my significant other being in a bad head space. Is that why I feel like this? Am I an emotional reflection? Or is the current environment I'm in just clearing a path for me to walk? I'm a mess.

I'm trying to find positives in all of this. I don't like being negative, or complaining, or taking attention away from deserving people. I often struggle in silence, in the background, so it's hard for me to write this right now. But I can't bottle it up anymore.

I've been on these forums, off and on, for a few years. It's so beautiful, I love it here. I took a break, because I'd hope that clarity would follow. It didn't. I regret leaving, I regret taking a break and I regret some decisions I've made. But that's the reality of life.

Has anyone felt like this before? I don't know what to do. I guess the path never clears itself. I have to get out there and face the music. It's time for self acceptance.

Love, as always.

Karlee.x

[suzifrommd]

Am I going to regret the decisions I make?

You're right that no one can know. The best you can do is learn as much as you can about what it's like to transition from those of us who have been there.

I went out once or twice a week as Suzi for the better part of a year before I went full-time. I joined a divorced/separated support group and an all-female feminist reading group (trans friendly). I learned what it was like to be a woman in social settings.

I was concerned about what life was like. It helped that I spent the day early on with two members of this site and saw that their day was as normal as mine. FWIW I haven't regretted it for a single second in the past 2+ years.

Is that why I feel like this? Am I an emotional reflection? Or is the current environment I'm in just clearing a path for me to walk?

None of the things you describe will make you trans. If you are trans (which only you can know), you've been trans your whole life. I guarantee you your current circumstances didn't bring them on.

A psychiatrist early on tried to imply that my interest in transitioning was spurred on by by problems in my marriage. He didn't know what he was talking about.

Has anyone felt like this before?

Yes. Many, if not most of the women on this site have gone through a similar stage. I certainly did. It was very foggy, but it slowly cleared up. It helped me to do a lot of reading and posting here. People were amazingly helpful.

Hang in there, Karlee. Things will become clearer as you work on them, I promise you. And we're here to help.

[Jacqueline]

Karlee,

Have you been in therapy? It does not tell you what to do. However, it does make thinking through things easier. Especially if your partner is not in a spot to be able to listen and reflect, openly.

Yes, I believe that many of us feel like you describe.

Good luck. I wish you love, acceptance and peace.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Kellam]

I just cried reading your post Karlee because I was where you are not too long ago. It took me a full year of effort to reach self acceptance. 30 plus years of denial too. I had so many of your fears and eventually I realized I had to know, that I had to try to be me in full.

You will find your way when you are ready. Don't force yourself or dwell in regrets. Have patience and show yourself some compassion. You can be you, it is going to be okay.

[Karlee]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I know from past experiences that this forum is full of beautiful people who make you feel so accepted, warm and loved, and it really does put it all into perspective.

Suzifrommd, your responses really did make a lot of sense. Sometimes it takes talking to someone who's been there before to truly make it hit home and feel inside that you're not alone! It is, at the end of the day, up to me to work it out for myself, because everyone is different. Thank you for your wonderful insight.

Joanna, thanks for your insight. I definitely do need to find a therapist, it's high on the list. Thank you for your warmth, I appreciate the time you've taken to help me.

Kellam, I know how you feel! Something tells me I need to explore. It feels good to know that you've been there and come through to achieve happiness and self acceptance, I am so happy for you! Thank you for your kind words.

I feel more inspired to walk this journey. I know I'm not alone and I have beautiful people around. It's time to stop sitting around and waiting, and start doing. Experimenting and living.

Love,

Karlee.x