Eventually going to come out...

[matthewzguitarz]

Still trying to come out to my parents.. What is it, two years of trying to now, I think.

Anyways, yeah. It has gotten a bit interesting with college starting a few weeks ago, where I seriously questioned the idea of transitioning, then also questioning if I really wanted to try making a living off of music.

However, after the events of this week, I think I am once again certain I need to come out and transition, and also pretty certain I want to change my major to nursing(which was my original plan, forgot why I changed to music).

Anyways, the events that lead to this.. Not going too much into detail, but pretty much my brother stole his ATV from my parents at about 10pm Monday night while me and my mom were still at college, and my dad was in the shower. He ended up driving 12 miles to go see his girlfriend in another part of town, and crashed around 11pm, we ended up finding him around 1am when he and his girlfriend decided he needed adult help. He has now been in the hospital since then pretty much, and will have his jaw wired shut for six weeks, and a neck brace for months.

I guess that just made me think about how fast things can change, or people could lose their lives(like my brother, if his neck had broken anywhere else, he would have died immediatly, or been paralyzed, and unable to be found). And I just don't want to spend so much time trying to live in a way that I can't, because I think if this had happened to me, right now, I would likely not have the will to continue living.

Anyways, probably just going to wait until the new routine for my brother falls into place, and stuff, then come out to my parents as transgender, and begin working on the transition process.

Also, ended up talking to my brother's girlfriend and best friend more tonight(have spent a lot of time with his girlfriend trying to understand more of what lead to the accident, and to keep her from feeling that everyone hates her, and so she doesn't fall into depression over it). Turns out both of them are pretty open about all of this stuff, and it has really been the first time I have come out to anyone with my sexuality. Also nice that they aren't like my cousins who act open about sexuality and gender identity, then turned out to be very close minded/ignorant/borderline transphobic and homophobic.


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[Isabelle]

That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be.

Why are you afraid of telling them? They're going to find out anyway aren't they? So, delaying is really only hurting yourself by making you feel like you're not living an authentic life.
It's like a bandage. Just whip it off. There might be some tears but, everything will work out in the end, and if it doesn't, it's not the end yet.

Also, I'm sorry to hear about your brothers accident. My brother did something similar. They called it the "superman break" because he broke the same parts of his neck that Christopher Reeve did. By sheer luck, he didn't end up paralysed. His recovery was long and difficult. Your brother will need your support. Depression is really common after a serious injury like that.

[KristinaM]

Maybe there's no need to wait, just preface your conversation like you just described to us.

"Life is short and can change in the blink of an eye, as evidenced by recent events.  So I've got something I want to tell you guys.  Something I've kept pushed down deep inside me for far too long now."

Tada!

[matthewzguitarz]

Completely forgot about this post.. Have been having a horrible time managing life with my brother and stuff... Surprisingly haven't fallen too far behind in college with my pretty big lack of practice/study time.

I ended up just taking a bigger look at my issues with coming out, last night, and have decided that it isn't so much of a fear of being rejected, or telling my parents that I am transgender, but rather a fear that they will be disappointed in me. Which I guess I didn't really think I cared what my family thought of me, until now.

Anyways, as much as I hate putting it off for longer, I will probably wait until after my brother sees his neurosurgeon, so that my parents are a little less stressed out(hopefully). For now, just back to trying to get some sleep and study time in between making sure my brother rests enough and doesn't fall into depression(his girlfriend is helping a lot with that, besides the so far two fights they have had).


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[suzifrommd]

Anyways, as much as I hate putting it off for longer, I will probably wait until after my brother sees his neurosurgeon, so that my parents are a little less stressed out(hopefully). For now, just back to trying to get some sleep and study time in between making sure my brother rests enough and doesn't fall into depression(his girlfriend is helping a lot with that, besides the so far two fights they have had).

You are a sweet, wonderful child and sibling, clearly devoted to your family.

Your brother sounds like, despite his injury, he is adept at drawing all the attention his way.

It's great that you're sacrificing your progress for your parent's well being (though should it be the other way around?) but please, please, please make sure you don't put other people's needs above your own.

[LizK]

Hi mathewzguitarz

I have just come out to my whole family over the last 2 months and the thing I learned from it was that...there is no perfect time and  one time is not necessarily better than a another. I put so much time into making sure that everything was just "right" it was overkill. There is never a good time to do this and you will suddenly feel so much better. I do understand why you may be reluctant to come out but the relief you will gain is immense.

[matthewzguitarz]

Well, today was interesting, I think. Spent the day at my family's church for a fiesta thing, which was fun to hang out with my brother and his friends(who I have learned, despite acting homophobic sometimes, they are pretty open minded). Also found it interesting to attend mass, where the priest was trying to talk about gay marriage without directly mentioning it... And at least he did mention that it is a touchy subject.

Anyways, I am now doubting if I can make it another two or so weeks until my brother's appointment, so most likely I will just wait for a day when his girlfriend isn't around, then try to come out.  Still hoping my parents suspect something, guess I will go pray about it.. Or something(about that, did learn my lesson about asking for help on a Catholic forum, the responses sucked).

Edit: Well, even less worried about my brother and his girlfriend now. They seem to be way more open minded than I originally thought. Especially the girlfriend though, she actually admitted randomly today to having questioned her own gender identity in the past... Though, honestly, when I first met her I was wondering if she was a transman.

So, I guess yeah, my main worries about coming out would be my parents, and dealing with transitioning while in college... Then a side worry would be my older brother and sister-in-law, who both act open minded in person, but going off their Facebook posts, they are sadly narrow minded.

Now to go back to feeling weird about having someone to text now, who also understands the whole gender identity thing(still not coming out to her until AFTER I come out to my parents, since I do believe she may use that info against me).