LONG POST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Hopefully others can relate to the mountain of emotional changes that have occurred on HRT during the initial year.
Exactly 12 months ago today I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). It changed my life for good. I am a far better person than I was 1 year ago....And Oh I'm so thankful!
Just under 3 hours after my first installment of my hormones, my lifelong battle with the never-ending storm of depression and the ever-encroaching emotional numbness was gone. For the 1st time since pre-purberty, I wasn't depressed, numb, nor lifeless. I was able to FINALLY feel my own emotions. Something most get to do since birth. I never did. Until that moment. That glorious moment. I cried tears of raw happiness all the way home that afternoon. I stopped to grab a pizza to bring home at a place in the city. As I waited outside in the car, the perfect 73F degree day, I watched the trees swaying in the wind..the leaves were greener than I ever noticed before. The sky was blue, a kind of blue I never noticed, and my heart was filled with thankfulness that the life-long storm had gone away and that I could feel my emotions. I cried the whole time waiting for the pizza to take home, then cried all the way home...tears of thankfulness, tears of joy.
This happened since starting HRT:
--I could feel my own emotions for the 1st time in my life. Laugh until I cry? Cry until I laugh? Either way was now possible.
--being on the edge of grumpiness vanished at the same time
--hot flashes at times (yes, us trans gals do get them!)
--empathizing with others became much easier.
--started smiling a **lot** more
--libido disappeared. I didn't care, everything else was gained in this process. I found this to be a blessing actually.
--a certain black spot in my vision when I move my eyes to the side suddenly vanished with the start of HRT. Gone. I had this for many years. I thought I had some diabetes thing happening, nope. Poof! Gone with start of HRT!
--long time muscle spasms in my leg went away instantly with the start of HRT. Same with my arm.
--the ever-constant thought train in my head vanished. It plagued me, it kept me up at night nearly every night. Towards the end, high amounts of alcohol no longer tamed this ill. It's as if the tracks that it was on were also removed. No sign of it ever being there. Poof--gone.
--laugh openly and heartily like I haven't since before puberty. (anyone who knows me personally knows I love to tell jokes and laugh)
--no longer lonely. made many new, awesome friends that are deep in their walks of life and funny as heck!
--conquered fears and had questions answered that plagued me most of my life
--material things suddenly didn't matter as much, I value friendships and time spent with people much more
--eye brows have grown in. (Unexpected!)
--I love the woman I see in the mirror. Overweight or not, I finally enjoy being in my own skin for the first time in my life.
--ate strawberries AND olives and **liked** them, a first for me. <-----THIS!
--stopped drinking almost all beer, another first for me
--started liking wine
--my mind's eye vision of God was changed over night from him holding on to me as I'm hanging over a cliff to sitting on a park bench, being held and having close relationship. I can't understate this change enough! HUGE!
--have a closer walk with God than I ever have! Even studying the bible. (Sorry, I don't do Daily Devotionals) Yes, you can be Christian and Transgender
--found that people in the south gave me more support for being transgender than people in the north (not all of course, some in the north have been great, not as many as in the south)
--have become a more gentler and firmer soul. I have a larger heart for those who hurt. Conversely, now speak up when being stepped upon.
--have a closer relationship with my kids. And I cherish them more than I ever have.
--conquered hellacious shame from my distant cross dressing past
--can smell things much better, especially body odor (you win some, you lose some... )
--regret not buying that cute dress at Cato a couple weekends ago
--enjoy playing with my 2 dogs more than ever
--enjoy my hobby of playing drums more than ever, just need to do it more often.
--completely unexpected: Day dreams no long have negative endings, they now end happy or at least with the people attempting to strive for happiness.
--found that I value time spent talking with people more than anything
--still wish I didn't have to go thru all this, but hey, I have to in order to live fully, and that's OK by me.
--Tragically, I still can't play the piano (jk)
--self acceptance (self love) has fallen over me like a waterfall this past month. I couldn't be happier.
--breasts! Yay!
--hips! Double Yay!
--inner thigh skin is no longer honey-comb-like. It feels smooth. Like it *should* have been! This honeycomb-like skin texture was always a huge downer for me.
--I can go for 15 hours a day without stopping countless days in a row. I have more energy now as an overweight nearly 45 year old gal than I ever had in my entire life...even compared to my teen years. Amazing!
These are all because my endocrine system finally had the proper 'fuel', hormones, to operate. I'm finally a leveled, loving, human being.
This is a VERY tough road. One must be sure they need to endure it. Only the last couple months have I seen and started to fully feel and understand the freedoms I've been striving for all this time.
But it's a VERY rewarding process. To 'be'. That's it. Most never have this issue, we do. We must strive to just 'be'. Once was start 'being' ourselves, there's no feeling like it.
I am so very thankful for HRT. It has been the catalyst for amazing changes, some of them day 1.
