so this might be a weird place to share something like this. but i feel like i have to do it somehow??
i wanted to share my opinions and why im most likely not going to transition.. i dont expect anyone to actually read this, but its nice to just have it somewhere. put into words.
so growing up i was as comfortable you can get about being female assigned at birth. i loved dresses and pink and princesses and everything girly. i even wanted to have boobs when i was little. but at the same time i loved playing with mud and being active and outspoken and i was brave and adventurous and i loved both dragons and barbie dolls. i guess you could say i was very androgynous in a sense. i didnt care i was just me. i noticed how girls would always sit with their legs together and how certain things were 'gross' and bugs were scary. so i just copied them. i dont actually know why?? to fit in i guess?? i didnt think much of it.
but i was never really fully feminine. yea i had long hair but i just did whatever i felt like.
then puberty came. i slowly stopped wearing dresses. i guess you could call me a tomboy. but i still didnt care.
i spent ALOT of time on the internet. 10+ hours infact. this is also where i started developing anxiety. i went from easily being able to make friends with strangers to barely even being able to hold a basic conversation, let alone look people in the eye.
and then i thought about it. i dont know when or how it popped up but it did. and i picked it up from my friend too. i have a feeling she might feel the same as me. we have known eachother since we were seven. we are both artists so we draw alot. i would always draw boys, i still do. i like their anatomy.
i looked up videos of trans people and did so much research. but i didnt know what to make of it. i didnt tell anyone.
i started presenting myself differently on the internet. i would choose the 'other' option or hide the gender. sometimes i would even pick male but it felt like a guilty pleasure??? i used to be obsessed with sites like IMVU. theyre basically sites where you make an avatar and you talk to people around the world. i would feel like i was lying for picking 'male' and having a male avatar. it felt like a secret i had to keep. but i felt so comfortable. sometimes i would even gain that confidence i once had back.
one time i made alot of friends and they all thought i was a boy. 'alex' was my name. not one i would nomally have picked for myself but i sorta chose it outta the blue. i got really close to a girl. ive never been in love with a girl before ive always had guy-crushes. we never said it but everyone knew we had a thing. she was just so cute and i could never hurt her. so i couldnt do it anymore. i knew it had to stop. i was gonna hurt her and id rather hurt myself. so i kinda just dissapeared and never came back. recently i just checked her profile just to see how she was doing and it turns out shes currently dating a ftm. funny huh?
but yea. then i decided to leave that 'me' behind. i forget about it completely and i actually felt happy. maybe not 100% comfortable and satisfied but happy.
then it sort of starts popping up again. maybe a year ago from now? i dont actually know to be honest. i befriended someone and as a joke we decided to visit this site we used to go on as kids. we wanted to play as two characters from a webcomic we liked and mess with people. those characters happened to both be male. so as it turns out, there were actually alot of cool people on that site. so we became close to some {one girl in particular but on a totally platonic level} these people genuinely thought we were these characters we played as, and in some weird way part of their personalities actually became parts of our own. i was excited to log onto that site and play that character. cause those people on that site genuinely thought that was me. it was like a little bubble where i could feel like myself. i was always the funny one with the sharp comebacks.
once i was at a con dressed up as that character. so i was wearing a binder, and actually kind of passed, even though i was short. some girl on the train said ''mom is that a boy or a girl?'' and me and my friends just giggled with excitement. another person used male pronouns around me. i just kind of stared at them, not knowing what to really say. i couldnt bring myself to correct them. ''its actually she/her'' didnt feel right.
i started going back to doing tons and tons of research. every night i would hope of waking up as someone else. but of course that never happened. i cried alot. and i contemplated transitioning. some days id be abselutely sure that id do it and other days id be sure that id be taking this secret with me to the grave. it was a struggle. i wanted a distinct answer, a road to follow. but there was none. i was in charge and i didnt know what to do. it was a constant everyday conflict. it was a mess. i went back into skipping school alot. i completely cut myself out of my social life.
then one day i sort of just made up my mind. that i was not going to do it.
this might seem very sad to some, but im okay with it. i know its not the ideal life but we all have our things. no life is perfect. i didnt wanna be sad all the time. i was tired of crying.
one of the major reasons why i chose not to do it was that i know myself and how im not ever going to be 100% satisfied. sure i can go on hormones but i will never be as tall as i want to be.
im half danish half persian. persia is a very narrowminded country. i KNOW my family isnt going to understand. now my mom might actually be the most accepting of my immediate family i dont think her family will even be able to understand the concept. plus my dad has this idea that the meaning of life is basically to procreate. SURE i can come out to him and not care. but i know that its gonna hurt him forever. its always gonna be in the back of their minds. its never going to be the same.
i can be OK living as a female. sure its not perfect but ive come to accept that im just weak. weak and a coward. im scared. i dont wanna hurt anyone. its just too much for me. im not as brave as you guys. i admire all of you so so so much but i just cant do it. coming out to my classmates and aquaintances. i really really cannot do that. it scares the sh*t out of me to the point where im fine with being female.
another part of me is also like?? how do you know youre transgender? ive looked it up and i still dont know. what if i regret?? i dont wanna wait forever but i also dont want to regret. this is not just some small decision.
i dont know. im really okay with it. if theres such a thing as reincarnation, then maybe in another life i can be 100% happy and myself. thank you for reading.
