different cycles

[lucaluca]

hello,

basically i wanted to be a girl since i am 4 years old. since i am 12 i know what trans means and since then i knew i was. but still, with 27, i struggle with the decision to transition! because, there are times when i feel ok with beeing a man and there are times where i feel the urge to transition right now.
when i feel alright with beeing a guy, i still think about beeing a woman every day. i just cope it better. i am okay with beeing a guy (not happy, but okay) and therefore i think that there is no need of transition, and i should not go through this when i am okay with beeing a guy. but then after 3-6 weeks i am sooo desperate and the only thing i can think of is that i have to do something about my situation.

are you familiar with these cycles?

hannah

[Lynne]

Hello Hannah,

I think a lot of us here gone through or going through these cycles, not once or twice but multiple times before we are ready to move forward with transition. The thing is, that if you are constantly thinking about being a woman that must be something important and something not to be dismissed just because sometimes your can tolerate being a guy.

People can tolerate a lot of bad stuff but it does not mean that it is good for them in the long run or that they should continue to ignore the signs that they should change their lives.

I'm 30 years old and I have certainly experienced these cycles a lot of times, and used it as an excuse to halt my progress more than once and even as I'm at the verge of going full-time I still get these "What the hell I'm doing?" thoughts and then I have to go somewhere as a guy and I'm almost in tears. As the time moves forward and I allow myself to experience more and more of what is like being a woman the more I am sure that I want this and it is getting really-really hard to cope with being a guy at work for example.

[lucaluca]

thanks for the great answer lynne!

you are right. it is always on my mind for my entire life! and even when i feel good as a guy, i see women and wish i could be one and i act like a man, because everytime i let myself go and act "normal" (for myself) people judge me.
i am just scared that i decide to come out and regret it afterwards when i am "okay with beeing a guy" again and ask myself "oh my god, what have you done?"
but right now, i want to tell my famlily that i am trans, so i don't have to hide and act no more! but i am scared

[Lynne]

I know how scary this can be, in the end I couldn't tell my parents face to face so I wrote a letter explaining the whole thing. Then I phoned my mother from work and told her that if she is interested in what is bothering me she should read the letter I left in my room under my monitor. In the end nothing wrong happened, the world didn't end and my fears were unjustified. It takes a lot of work to help people really understand, so be prepared to explain things multiple times from different perspectives.

[Claire]

I'm 61 and trying to figure this out as well. Things swing back and forth for me as well, although it's never far from my mind. I don't think I every really feel male, just not as driven to resolve this. I've not led an unhappy life, although lately I've been feeling I need to do something about this... Maybe move towards the feminine somehow. Maybe just a testosterone blocker and/or beard removal. You should read the Jenny Boyland book "She's not there". She talks about things being 'quiet' for a while while her life was in a good place and then needing to resolve this.
Sometimes I think of this as being in 'remission' but that implies this is like a cancer and a horrible thing. Lately I've been trying to cast this as going underground or going quiet. Less negative and probably a better representation of the reality. Everyone's path is different as is their endpoint but that doesn't mean we shouldn't follow the path and discover who we really are. Although, ask me again when I am near tears about this and I may give you a different answer.


Dori.